羊咩咩yw的写作贴~~求猛拍，for my dream~

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

With the increasing development of our society, people focus intensely on the factors that affect their health both physically and psychologically. An positive living environment filled with big art museum, music performance center and various recreational facilities is considered essential. When asked if government should spend more money to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational, my answer is definitely yes.这个开头真心不错


First of all, a museum is such a place where display the most essence part of a city's, or even a country's art culture. It provides an opportunity for citizens and travelers to admire beautiful and elaborated art works. In addition, building a art museum is money-consuming, only government has enough money and right to build it. What's more, a large number of these culture heritages' fate remains vulnerable. To halt the accelerating losing of these art works, government must spend more money to build art museums. On the country, according to a recent research on the internet, over 85 percent of cities have enough recreational facilities since 2010, however, only 25 percent of countries have or plan to build art museums. It is concluded that building more art museums is more urgent than building recreational facilities.

Second, it is acknowledged(这个用过去式) that music is power, music is company, and music is knowledge, it plays a（an） indispensable role in our life. Watching a music performance while working is the most efficacious way of relaxing our mind. However, the truth is that there are not enough music centers for people to enjoy their leisure time, in most case, they can hardly buy a single ticket. I still remember last time, I was so excited because Langlang, a famous pianist in China, came to our city to give us a concert. The music center in our country is so small that my friends and I could not get tickets even though we came to the ticket center in 6 o'clock am. I was down and blue at that time. If the government can spend more money to build a larger music performance center, more people can have this opportunity to watch Langlang's concert. Yangyang你写的越来越好啦

Last but not least, people in（介词不用） nowadays tend to do exercises in gym. It not only provides people more advanced facilities, but also a coze atmosphere to hang out with friends. What's more, the professional instructors in gym can give people practical advices to help them build their figures. So it is unnecessary for government to spend more money on building recreational facilities.

To sum up, in order to provide us a more wonderful living environment, I call upon the government to spend more money to build art museums and music performance centers.

Yangyang你好厉害，嗯，MU A, 再错就罚自己100遍。

CCcarol

羊羊~ 我明天来给你改综合噢~ 要开学了~ 有点儿忙！~ 明天晚上前一定来改好！~

羊咩咩yw

8.31 独立

When asked about if people who go outside are more successful and happier than people who stay in village, we need to first define the essence of success and happiness. As far as I am concerned, the essence of happiness lies in the company of  family members and friends, and of success bases on one' s interest. Therefor, I disagree with the statement that people who go outside are more successful and happier than people stay in village.

First of all, people who go outside have to face more challenges and obstacles than people who live in villages. These extra challenges and obstacles, such as culture difference and living conditions, may bring them much more pressures rather than happiness and success. What's more, It seems attractive at first glance that people who go outside can have more opportunities to find good jobs, or could enjoy more comfortable living conditions, but gradually people's belief in these illusions begins to crumble when a recent research on the internet demonstrates that over 85 percent of people live outside villages need to pay 3 times higher price for life necessities, houses and transportation fees. That is to say, they must sacrifice the time spending on companying with family members and friends for making more money to support their life, let alone becoming more successful and happier.

Second, besides having to undertake more pressures, people who live outside may easily feel longly, especially in some special days, such as birthday and Christmas eve. Like I first mentioned that the the essence of happiness lies in the company and supporting of family members and intimate friends. People who live outside can hardly feel the supporting from family members and friends. I still remember last year, I had a bad experience on my part-time job in Shanghai, I could not get along with my workmates, what's more, because I was a undergraduate student, I had no access to my interest job. I was so sad during that period of time. I wanted to call my mother and my friends , but I was afraid that they might worry about me. So I take all the pressures on my own shoulder, and I was unhappy when I went outside.

To sum up, people's happiness and success are based on their own but not the place  where they live in, we cannot deny the truth that people live in big cities can have more opportunities to become successful, and we also cannot to overstate that fact that people who live in little villages can also find their own way to be happy and successful. Therefore, the statement that people who go outside are more successful and happier than people stay in village is incorrect in most cases.

TPO 5
The professor are not in agreement with the reading passage, which provides three theories to explain the use of the settlements of Chaco Canyon. He provides three ideas to oppose the main points of the reading passage, as presented bellow.

The first theory in the reading holds that the Chaco were purely residential. However the professor cites that it is the outside of Chaco that looks like a resident, but the inside cast doubt on this theory. He presents that if people had once lived in this place, there must have many fire works. The truth is that there are a few fair works in these place.

The second theory in the reading argues that the Chaco structures were used to store food. The professor disagree with this agreement by saying that there are no maize containers have been found in this place. In addition, there are no supplies of maize have been found in there.

The last theory mentions that because a large number of broken pots have been found in this place, it may be used as ceremonial centers. While, the professor cites that besides these broken plots, there are a lot of other materials have been found in that place. What's more, these plots also can be used as regular truth. So it is not a good evidence to for this theory.

羊咩咩yw

不有问题呢~~

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

When asked about if people who go outside are more successful and happier than people who stay in village（其实我觉得这样的开头不是太好额，yangyang，嗯）, we need to first define the essence of success and happiness. As far as I am concerned, the essence of happiness lies in the company of （, 这里加个逗号把of去掉） family members and friends, and of success bases on one' s interest. Therefor（therefore）, I disagree with the statement that people who go outside are more successful and happier than people stay in village.

First of all, people who go outside have to face more challenges and obstacles than people who live in villages. These extra challenges and obstacles, such as culture difference and living conditions, may bring them much more pressures rather than happiness and success. What's more, I（i这又不是句子开头）t seems attractive at first glance that people who go outside can have more opportunities to find good jobs, or could enjoy more comfortable living conditions, but gradually people's belief in these illusions begins to crumble when a recent research on the internet demonstrates that over 85 percent of people live outside villages need to pay 3 times higher price for life necessities, houses and transportation fees. That is to say, they must sacrifice the time spending on companying with family members and friends for making more money to support their life, let alone becoming more successful and happier.（这一段就是不错）

Second, besides having to undertake more pressures, people who live outside may easily feel longly（lonely）, especially in some special days, such as birthday and Christmas eve. Like I first mentioned that the the essence of happiness lies in the company and supporting of family members and intimate friends. People who live outside can hardly feel the supporting from family members and friends. I still remember last year, I had a bad experience on my part-time job in Shanghai, I could not get along with my workmates, what's more, because I was a undergraduate student, I had no access to my interest job. I was so sad during that period of time. I wanted to call my mother and my friends , but I was afraid that they might worry about me. So I take all the pressures on my own shoulder, and I was unhappy when I went outside.（这段也不错）

To sum up, people's happiness and success are based on their own but not the place  where they live in, we cannot deny the truth that people live in big cities can have more opportunities to become successful, and we also cannot to（把to去掉） overstate that fact that people who live in little villages can also find their own way to be happy and successful. Therefore, the statement that people who go outside are more successful and happier than people stay in village is incorrect in most cases.

整体举例还好啦。
另外yangyang要开始练习速度了，嗯，  我怎么那么多错词，

CCcarol

红色为错误，蓝色为修改建议，绿色为段后总结，高亮为精彩！
The professor mentions that many scientists are not in agreement with the reading passage, which (从句用的很赞！~）suggests that dinosaurs are endotherms. (这里建议分开成两个句子~ 可以表达的更清楚一些~）She provides three main ideas to oppose the main point in the reading passage, as presented bellow.First of all, she mentions that the temperatures in the polar region was more wormer than today, wormer enough for no endotherms animal to survive in that period. What's more, when temperature became colder, the polar dinosaurs can migrate to other wormer place orjusth5beraete(是打错了么？不知道这儿要表达啥？）. So the dinosaur fossils of polar region cannot prove （that） the dinosaurs are endotherms.Second, she mentions that legs underneath body dose not necessary mean they allows sustained physical activity. It also can be explained that the legs can undertake more weight of dinosaurs. And large weight is a characteristic of dinosaurs.Last but not least, she admits that many dinosaurs do have haversian canals, but they also have growth rings which indicate the period when they would stop grow. (解释的很到位！~) It provides evidence that dinosaurs can stop growth or slow growth during cold periods. On the country （contrary）
, even though in cold period, the endothermes also can growth rapidly.

不好意思~ Carol改晚了~~~
整体表达的很清楚~ 除了一些小的语法问题~ 听的很仔细呢~~~
有改的不好的地方~ 请尽管指正~

332211abc

The professor are not in agreement（直接DON’T AGREE比较好）with the reading passage, which provides three theories to explain the use of the settlements of Chaco Canyon. He provides three ideas to oppose the main points of the reading passage, as presented bellow.

The first theory in the reading holds that the Chaco(专有名词最好不要简写，另外两处出现的也不一样) were purely residential. However the professor cites that it is the outside （in the outside, it looks like）of Chaco that looks like a resident, but the(删) inside（of house） cast doubt on this theory. He presents that if people had once lived in this place, there must have many fire works(应该是fire palce生火的地方，你写的是烟花，比较严重). The truth is that there are a few fair works in these place.（在一处地方，HOUSE不是几处）少写一点, enough rooms

The second theory in the reading argues that the Chaco structures were used to store food. The professor disagree with this agreement by saying that there are no maize containers have been found in this place. In addition,(主次颠倒，没发现痕迹是主要线索，没罐子是次要线索) there are no supplies(trace) of maize have been found in there.

The last theory mentions that， because a large number of broken pots have been found in this place, it may be used as ceremonial centers. While, the professor cites that besides these broken plots, there are a lot of other materials have been found in that place. What's more, these plots also can be used as regular truth. So it is not a good evidence to （support）for（删） this theory.

另外我觉得第一段稍微有些长，第三段有些短。全篇大概在250+10比较好。

羊咩咩yw

9.1 独立

Agree or disagree,in order to be succeed,you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.

I disagree with the statement that in order to be succeed, people should be more like others than be different from others. In my point of view, the essence part of success lies in people's sense of changing and innovation. Only such person who has the above characteristics can make a big difference during his whole life.

To begin, the strong moral appeal in this statement cannot disguise the apparent discrepancy in it. It is acknowledge that hardly can one be succeed if he or she is like others, on the country, a lot of great people's successful stories tell us that it is their innovation that make a real difference in this world. If Newton did not ask himself the question that why the apple drops on the ground every time, there is no the law gravity in this world, and if people did not used their great ability of innovation to create air planes, cars, subways and internet,ext, they cannot provide us such a advanced society. No one can deny the fact that innovation lead to development. That is to say, in order to be succeed, people should be different with others rather than like others.

Furthermore, in most cases, the majority's view is not always right, it takes bravery to stand up against the majority' s view. Only in this way can one make himself or herself outstanding among others and finally being succeed. Steve Jobs is a true inspiration for everyone who seeks to be different. We all like his i-phone because it gives us an fantastic innovation experience,  we can use it to listen to music, surf the internet, locate the restaurant, almost every thing. How great and successful this innovation is.To be different from others is innovation. I still remembered that when I was 5 years old, my first teacher, a dancer, told me that if you want to make a difference in dancing style, you should learn to innovate, even though it is different with other dancer's common style.

To sum up, just like I first mentioned that the essence part of success lies in innovation. Being successful dose not necessary mean one should be like others. It is possible, but not very probable. Therefore, the statement that in order to be succeed, people should be more like others than different from others is incorrect at some extent.

TPO 6
The professor claims that the criticism in the reading passage is largely result from prejudice and ignorance of how far the encyclopedias coming. There are three points he makes to oppose the main idea of the reading passage, as presented below.

First of all, she argues that the traditional encyclopedias has never been closely perfect accurate, people can hardly find a really comprehensive accurate article on or off line. What's more, the errors in the online encyclopedia can be easily corrected, however, the errors remain in the traditional one for decades. Therefore, the reading is wrong to claim that communal online encyclopedias often lack academic credentials.

Second, she points out that there two strategies aroused to protect articles from corrupting by hackers. The first one is putting the crucial fact in a read-only format that nobody can change. The other on is having a special editor whose job is to monitor the changing of articles and eliminate the changes of the article.

Last but not least, she claims that the traditional encyclopedia has limited spaces so that a group of editors  choose information with judgments that do not cope with the major interests from a large group of people. However, the online encyclopedias do not have space problems, so they can reflect people's interests. Again, it is different from what the reading passage demonstrates.

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Agree or disagree,in order to be succeed,you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.

I disagree with the statement that in order to be succeed, people should be more like others than be different from others. In my point of view, the essence part of success lies in people's sense of changing and innovation. Only such person who has the above characteristics can make a big difference during his/her whole life.(感觉这样的开头倒是不错)

To begin, the strong moral appeal in this statement cannotdisguise the apparent discrepancy in it. It is acknowledge（d被动语态） that hardly can one be succeed if he or she is like（is 和like 用一个就行，两个动词就是两个谓语了，这里，yangyang。就是用liking也不是很好） others, on the country,a lot of great people's successful stories tell us that it is their innovation that make a real difference in this world. If Newton did not ask himself the question that why the apple drops on the ground everytime, there is no the law gravity（law of universal gravitation in this world, and if people did not used their great ability of innovation to create air planes, cars, subways and internet,ext, they cannot provide us such a（an） advanced society. No one can deny the fact that innovation leads to development. That is to say, in order to be succeed（be后面加adj successful 或者把be去掉）, people should be different with others rather than like others（them，用代词变化）.

Furthermore, in most cases, the majority's view is not always right, （so加个连接词，其实我是建议用复合句把这两个连起来，比如which，that啦之类的）it takes bravery to stand up against the majority' s view. Only in this way can one make himself or herself outstanding among others and finally being succeed. Steve Jobs is a true inspiration for everyone who seeks to be different. We all like his i-phone because it gives us an fantastic innovation experience,  we can use it to listen to music, surf the internet, locate the restaurant, almost every thing. How great and successful this innovation is（！,菇凉，感叹句要用着符号额）.To be different from others is innovation. I still remembered that when I was 5 years old, my first teacher, a dancer, told me that if you want to make a difference in dancing style, you should learn to innovate, even though it is different with other dancer's common style. （这里不用太多例子，感觉用前一个，再深入一点就好啦，两个太多）

To sum up, just like I first mentioned that the essence part of success lies in innovation. Being successful dose not necessary（这里用adv，necessarily）mean one should be like others. It is possible, but not very probable. Therefore, the statement that in order to be succeed, people should be more like others than different from others is incorrect at some extent.

整体还是不错的。改后我们再互改一次好不yangyang。最近忙是吧，额，
yangyang你要背200 句和几篇文章，还要分析他们怎么提出论点，用什么句型提出，证明，和总结。 你看一篇文章五段，一段五个句子，你只要掌握25个就可以得心应手啦。

fuzhengrui

你也来看我的把  欢迎欢迎

谢谢~~你给的意见对我很有帮助呢， 我再好好改改~有空多来拍我的作文吖

-- by 会员 羊咩咩yw (2012/8/31 18:57:28)