【写作小分队】轰炸写作~526~!!!

晨依Jacqueline

亲爱的绿光~晨依明天晚上再给你修改大作哦~~
嘻嘻 还是绿光的综合处女作呢~~先小小地晚安下咯~

miss绿光

亲爱的绿光~晨依明天晚上再给你修改大作哦~~
嘻嘻 还是绿光的综合处女作呢~~先小小地晚安下咯~

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/4/11 23:40:35)

恩，我还真是没写过综合~你多指点一下哈~不明白套路><!谢谢晨依！MUA!

晨依Jacqueline

TPO7综合修改
红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，黄色为精彩（不知道为什么那个高亮弄不出来了）
The issue is about whether(据我了解好像没有这样用的呢，可不可以换个句式说The issue of whether the certification...is under discussion.) the certification that wood companies receive can benefit the company in Unites States eventually. The reading passage holds the view that such certification cannot achieve the goal while the professor in the lecture stands on the totally opposite side.(the professor in the lecture略显麻烦，直接lecturer或者professor就可以啦~)

The passage first mentions that so much advertising are performed to American consumers that American won’t count onthe eco-certification label. (+However, the professor indicates that the passage neglects...我觉得应该突出一下是listening反驳了reading的观点，)The passage completely neglects that, however, American(s)treat various kind of advertisement in different ways. American customers can distinguish the advertisements that are made merely for the company’s sake from those that are made by the certification institutions. What’s more, American customers are confident in the independence of those certification institutions. In fact, the certifications made by the independent certification institutions, especially which hold international trust, are favored by American customers.

Secondly,the passage(可以乱七八糟的替换下哈、author啊writer啊，etc)points out that American customers are unlikely to choose those products with certification labels because the eco-certified wood will be more expensive than the uncertified (+ones)and because American customers are price-oriented to a great extent. Thoroughly opposed to the opinion, the professor in the lecture clarifies that American customers are not only count on price when they choose merchandises, which just occurs when the price of one product is higher or lower than other products of the same category obviously. That is to say, if the difference among the products is not too apparent to ignore,such as(for example/for instance) less than 5 percent, American customers will take other factors into consideration.On the other hand,(有个问题，可以前面不加on one hand然后单独用吗?) American customers value protection of environmentremarkably, which probably leads them to buy products with certified labels.

At last, in the world of boom development, it is vital to protect own business frominvasionof foreign competitors. If many American customers intend to buy those eco-certified products but there has no supply for those product domestically produced, they have to buy foreign products.(我觉得这个地方有点意译了、、、)To go furthermore,foreign products will crowd in the United States market. Apparently,in the passage, the claim, that it is not always convincing to keep up with the development in the rest of world since American wood companies don’t market most of their products abroad, cannot stand because the focus is the foreign rivals rather than the foreign customers.

【Conclusion】
1 不得不说的是，绿光真的很用心，把reading部分截了图~而且晨依真的大开眼界了，有这么多精彩的替换和表达，各种高亮词汇~这一点晨依要像绿光学习！
2 个人感觉绿光的作文词数稍微多了点，当然在考场上有限的时间里能够写出这么多来也很好啦，不过我个人感觉过多了就显得文章不够精炼了。
3 因为综合写作要求我们概括观点、细节，并且挑明reading和listening关系，所以我们不需要变换太多的花样来转述或者解释听到的和看到的内容。阅读部分提炼观点简单一两句话表述清楚就可以，听力部分也是写出professor的观点和details就可以，不需要太多同意转换就好的。绿光的文章一看就是听力听的很明白，但是在表达的时候有点同义转述的意味，会让ETS的评分员感觉你只能大体听懂意思而不是听得很精确，所以如果尽可能把听力的原汁原味的东西写出来会让他们觉得你很牛的~
4 然后很重要的一点，绿光一定要注意在文章中点出来reading和listening的关系，每段最好都能提一下，一般就是反驳的关系啦~~感觉这篇文章中有此意识的萌芽但是还不是很成熟和突出呢，可以看看模板句子。还有就是可以变化一下人称，比如reading--listening，author--lecturer，writer--professor，passage--speech等等。
5 最后针对绿光帖子最前面的问题，说一下个人观点，就是其实综合不像独立那样可以写出很多花样来，顶多就是在模板的变化上灵活一点点，其他的内容还是尽量尊重“原著”哈（阅读可以用同意表述，听力尽量写原文~）、绿光可以看看范文总结下模板~
6 总结的总结，绿光的语言运用能力和听力水平都是很腻害的啦，继续保持就Ok~稍微把重心偏一偏，顺着ETS的意思来写，注意上面几个小的问题就perfect啦！（晨依发现自己真的好啰嗦哦、就写这些吧供绿光参考！加油↖(^ω^)↗）

gre呀gre

绿光好！ 我这会才到家，今天实在是太难受头太疼了，所以我明早再修改你的独立作文好吗？4.11的作文实在没精神写了，就不用帮我改啦~ 真的很不好意思哦，这两天太忙了，明早我一定改！

miss绿光

绿光好！ 我这会才到家，今天实在是太难受头太疼了，所以我明早再修改你的独立作文好吗？4.11的作文实在没精神写了，就不用帮我改啦~ 真的很不好意思哦，这两天太忙了，明早我一定改！

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/12 20:40:11)

我的是非常不着急的~~哈哈~不过你的作文是bechasing改~你去ta的帖子里面留下吧~
忙忙的孩纸注意休息哈~

miss绿光

个人感觉绿光的作文词数稍微多了点，当然在考场上有限的时间里能够写出这么多来也很好啦，不过我个人感觉过多了就显得文章不够精炼了。
因为综合写作要求我们概括观点、细节，并且挑明reading和listening关系，所以我们不需要变换太多的花样来转述或者解释听到的和看到的内容。阅读部分提炼观点简单一两句话表述清楚就可以，听力部分也是写出professor的观点和details就可以，不需要太多同意转换就好的。绿光的文章一看就是听力听的很明白，但是在表达的时候有点同义转述的意味，会让ETS的评分员感觉你只能大体听懂意思而不是听得很精确，所以如果尽可能把听力的原汁原味的东西写出来会让他们觉得你很牛的~
然后很重要的一点，绿光一定要注意在文章中点出来reading和listening的关系，每段最好都能提一下，一般就是反驳的关系啦~~感觉这篇文章中有此意识的萌芽但是还不是很成熟和突出呢，可以看看模板句子。还有就是可以变化一下人称，比如reading--listening，author--lecturer，writer--professor，passage--speech等等。
最后针对绿光帖子最前面的问题，说一下个人观点，就是其实综合不像独立那样可以写出很多花样来，顶多就是在模板的变化上灵活一点点，其他的内容还是尽量尊重“原著”哈（阅读可以用同意表述，听力尽量写原文~）、绿光可以看看范文总结下模板~
总结的总结，绿光的语言运用能力和听力水平都是很腻害的啦，继续保持就Ok~稍微把重心偏一偏，顺着ETS的意思来写，注意上面几个小的问题就perfect啦！（晨依发现自己真的好啰嗦哦、就写这些吧供绿光参考！加油↖(^ω^)↗）
==============================
晨依写了这么多我都要感动死了！高亮的地方全是绿光不了解的，这么多，有木有！晨依给了我这么多highly useful info有木有！过来让我熊抱个！

gre呀gre

绿光好！ 我这会才到家，今天实在是太难受头太疼了，所以我明早再修改你的独立作文好吗？4.11的作文实在没精神写了，就不用帮我改啦~ 真的很不好意思哦，这两天太忙了，明早我一定改！

-- by 会员 gre呀gre (2012/4/12 20:40:11)

我的是非常不着急的~~哈哈~不过你的作文是bechasing改~你去ta的帖子里面留下吧~
忙忙的孩纸注意休息哈~

-- by 会员 miss绿光 (2012/4/12 20:41:32)

好的，thx~ 真不好意思了，我明天早上一定改好！

晨依Jacqueline

个人感觉绿光的作文词数稍微多了点，当然在考场上有限的时间里能够写出这么多来也很好啦，不过我个人感觉过多了就显得文章不够精炼了。
因为综合写作要求我们概括观点、细节，并且挑明reading和listening关系，所以我们不需要变换太多的花样来转述或者解释听到的和看到的内容。阅读部分提炼观点简单一两句话表述清楚就可以，听力部分也是写出professor的观点和details就可以，不需要太多同意转换就好的。绿光的文章一看就是听力听的很明白，但是在表达的时候有点同义转述的意味，会让ETS的评分员感觉你只能大体听懂意思而不是听得很精确，所以如果尽可能把听力的原汁原味的东西写出来会让他们觉得你很牛的~
然后很重要的一点，绿光一定要注意在文章中点出来reading和listening的关系，每段最好都能提一下，一般就是反驳的关系啦~~感觉这篇文章中有此意识的萌芽但是还不是很成熟和突出呢，可以看看模板句子。还有就是可以变化一下人称，比如reading--listening，author--lecturer，writer--professor，passage--speech等等。
最后针对绿光帖子最前面的问题，说一下个人观点，就是其实综合不像独立那样可以写出很多花样来，顶多就是在模板的变化上灵活一点点，其他的内容还是尽量尊重“原著”哈（阅读可以用同意表述，听力尽量写原文~）、绿光可以看看范文总结下模板~
总结的总结，绿光的语言运用能力和听力水平都是很腻害的啦，继续保持就Ok~稍微把重心偏一偏，顺着ETS的意思来写，注意上面几个小的问题就perfect啦！（晨依发现自己真的好啰嗦哦、就写这些吧供绿光参考！加油↖(^ω^)↗）
==============================
晨依写了这么多我都要感动死了！高亮的地方全是绿光不了解的，这么多，有木有！晨依给了我这么多highly useful info有木有！过来让我熊抱个！

-- by 会员 miss绿光 (2012/4/12 20:43:35)

晨依来抱啦~期待和绿光一起进步，么么~再来共享个小文件~~

daisyの小夢想

4.10 独立

Due to the dramatically rapid development ofthe whole world, it is accepted that the cotemporary ideas and notions whichare prevalent and reasonable during that period probably become obsolete in fewyears, let alone in a long time. Based on this perception, the assertion is put forward that theadvice from grandparents is no longer helpful for their grandchildren becausethe changes could be world-shaking. As far as I’m concerned, however, I am on the opposite side of theclaim and my stand will be testified to a great extent by the following.

First of all, the grandparents, because oftheir ages, (have experienced) experience a lot, letting them know (sothey know) how to do the right things and how to avoidconducting errors. Such experience and rationality grandparents possess is of greatvalue to their grandchildren by directing proper and exact solutions to whatthey are in trouble with. Furthermore, it is experience that often counts mostwhen we make decisions in either emergency or ordinary situation. Take mygrandfather, who was a solider during the Anti-Japanese War in China, as anexample.(这句不能作为完整的句子噢，改为Mygrandfather… is an example.) Once my familywent vacation to the mountains in regions far away from home, during which(which指代不清) we are puzzled how to go downside when the sunset would occur(before sunset). As a little girl then, I was too scared to keep calm and my parentshad conflicts with my grandfather about the choice of paths. My grandfathermanaged to persuade my parents by stating his experience that he had wentthrough mountain ways when he was a soldier, and finally, we arrived at the bottomof the mountain safe and sound before the sunset.

Additionally, the truth, whatever it is, neverfades with time passing and age can never serve as the criteria to judge thevalue of one’s opinion. Changes take place every second in every corner in theworld, though, many elder people achieve the feat. Nearly seventy, RonaldReagan was still selected to be the president of the United States. Anotherfamous person who won the Nobel Prize at the age of only 35, Yang ZhenNing keptstudying in the physics area and he was awarded King Faisal International Prizeat 2001, at which time(when) he was already 79 years old. Taking these facts into account, how canwe refuse to take our grandparents' advices just because the changes are hugeduring the 50 years?

Admittedly, some opponents of my view hold thatolder are the people, more conservative they become. The extent of the conservation(对话的长度？), however, has little to do with the value of thegrandparents’ final decisions. Bare decisions are made merely according to how much deciders are conservative or aggressive (how conservativeor aggressive deciders are); in fact, grandparentsare rational enough to take all beneficial perspectives and potential risksinto consideration, which probably led to the truth eventually. (不是很懂这段要说什么><)

5oyears maybe a long time for humans’ life span; it is, however, just an instantin the historical endless flow. Therefore,although there are dramatic differences between the world in this second andthat 50 years ago(??五十年前的建议。), grandparents’ advices, which includes their whole-lifeexperience and the truth they found, can still show us the bright way to theright end.

语言很丰富，句式复杂多样。好像都是很长的句子，适当可以长短句结合。
真佩服绿光能在那么短时间写出这样水准的文章^^ 加油~冲30吧。

gre呀gre

4.11作文改正：Agree or disagree? Colleges oruniversitiesshould offer students a better job preparation before they startworking.



Faced(Facing)with (如果要用face with的用法，face这时必须用名词形式) the trend to （a）fiercer competition around the world, how to enter the career as arelatively competitive and qualified applicator has been raised into heatdiscussion. The claim, that students should be provided（for） a better job preparation bycolleges or universities before the students begin working,gains some support while burdenssome critics as well（赞！）. From my perspective,however, Isupport such provision due to the following three aspects.

First of all, better job preparation candefinitely contribute to the improvement in competitiveness of students, whichbenefits both their application and their whole career. Take my university,which holds different kind（kinds） of programs for job preparation fordifferent grades of students frequently, as an example. In my university,departments, especially the business department, highly value the jobpreparation and often invite outstanding ones who have already becomesuccessful in their career to share experience with students, because it isaccepted that every student will enter the wok eventually, which triggers theimportance of preparation before going to work. Therefore, my university has a lotactivities that attract students to take part in and thereby to improve theircomprehensive abilities. In terms of the class I’m（I am，托福写作貌似不能用缩写） in, those job preparations teach us a lot.Based on the significantimpacts brought about by the job preparation, I am in favor of such programunswervingly.

In addition,it is undoubted that suchpreparation raises the reputation of colleges or universities since allstudents desire to enter schools who offer more platforms for them to improvethemselves. Because of the excellent job preparation, my university not onlybenefits students but also raises reputation of itelf. Every student, when come（comes） to capture information about myuniversity after the college entrance examination,expresses his or hersatisfaction on face as soon as the student knows the policy in my universitytowards pre-job training, which is more positive compared with that of otheruniversities. Furthermore, the parents who accompany their children coming toconsult also are impressed and thereby they tell other parents about thisadvantage of my university, raising reputation among different social circles.Therefore, job preparation is required for the college’s or university’s sake.（例子和上一段的貌似是一样的，可以把这个例子安在别人身上，或者通过对比，说别的学校没有而本校有这个项目，会使得例子更加多样化~）

Admittedly, it is reasonable to considerthe rising cost brought by the preparation and（to） wonder whether the incremental costis worthy investing. That claim, however, ignores that fact that cost shouldnever serve as the paramount factor in our decision making since the outcome iswhat we need to acquire and which we obtain to move forward. Taking thepragmatic benefits better job preparation offers into consideration,I approveimprovements to be taken into practice.

There is some potential sides effects,though, every coin has two sides and better job preparation can exert more benefitswithout question. Therefore, after balancing the benefits for the students andthe schools, and potential worry about the rising cost, I insist on thepreparation of better jobs before students go to work, which sheds light on the roads where studentsand schools are stepping on.（赞！）
写的真的挺好的，几乎改不出错误来，就是一些很小很小的点需要注意~ 个人建议哈~如果再能编一些数据神马的放在里面就更好了！显得文章很客观，有数据支持，数据的具体数字和来源自己编就好啦~  文章稍微有点长，将近500个字了，不知道考试的时候能不能按时打完？如果打字速度快就没事儿啦~ 加油！写的很好的！！