【写作小分队】轰炸写作~526~!!!

探险者

问一下，现在的机经都怎么得到的，好像小马都收费了？不知道有没有5.20的机经，麻烦传一份啊，谢谢了
这是这次作文的修改

Some people think that a university professor should focus time on doing research; while others think that the main role of a professor is to educate students in a university. What's your opionion and why？

黄色为亮点，红色为修改建议
Education remains the role of contention permanently in that education serves as the most important role in the future development of children, who have the potential power to drive the growth of the world. In terms of the education in university, it is without doubt（undoubtedly更好） that professors contribute to it to a great extent while it is undecided whether the professor should concentrate on doing research or education students（educating students）. From my point of view, I am on the side of the former statement utterly.

First of all, the research with which professors handle（handle做及物动词有解决，处理的意思，因此觉得这个with没有必要） can provide the lastest （latest）information for students and thereby improve（improving，thereby后面是名词或者动名词） their academic ability. It is acceptable that the technology updates so rapidly that knowledge students obtain in universities always lag（延迟，好词） a lot. Professor Zhang, who is a famous professor not only in my university but also around the country in the biology science, once published an essay about the DNA on The Science. After that, the（这个冠词是没必要的，可以删去）students in the biology college raised a lecture and invited professor Zhang to introduce the lastest theory about DNA to them. From the lecture, those students benefit a lot by learning more information about DNA，which（我觉得这个which的指代不是很明确，可以变成非限制性定语从句，指学生学习这件事可以使他们怎么样；如果是指information，应该也可以） makes them more knowledgeable， and thereby（hence，这里用hence更合适，还是thereby的用法问题，楼主可以在词典中查一下，看看例句是怎么用的） more competitive. Therefore, professors in universities should be inclined to do researches rather than educate students.这一段论述的很好，前后的衔接包括举例子也不错。看到很多长的例子都写成流水账，楼主的这个说的很清晰啊。

Another equivalently essential point is that professors' research may boost the reputation of universities, which benefits both students and universities themselves. Tshinghua University, a university famous for its academic status in China, possesses abundant outstanding researches（这个说成research projects是不是更好） held by professors in Tshinghua（Tsinghua） University. Through those eminent achievements, Tshinghua（Tsinghua） University gets an extremely high reputation among all universities in China. Furthermore, when my colleagues and I consulted staff from different universities about the（这个the多余，删去） all kinds information to decide which university I would like to enter（这一句后面有些啰嗦，建议改为about what information propmote them to make the final decision）, we all regard the academic achievements as the dominant factor. As soon as we got the idea that the specific university has many professors who are adept to conduct researches, we were impressed by that university. Therefore, for the sake of(用的太好了，for the sake of本身有为了提高或in order to bring advantage to的意思) the universities’ reputation, professors are supposed to focus on doing researches.

Admittedly, some opponents may claim that more attention to the research will definitely decrease（s） the quality of teaching which is connected directly(副词的位置是行为动词前，be动词后，所以directly用在is的后面) to the students（如果这一句换成下面的表达方法，觉得更简洁：Admittedly， considering the quality of teaching which is directly connected to students, some opponents may claim that more attention to the research may do harm to that）. This claim, however, ignores the fact that teachers are those people（这里those可以直接指代those teachers或者those people，因此这个people是多余的） who have most（替换成closed觉得更好，显得二者联系更紧密） connection with students normally. What's more, the researches（用the research是常用的表达方法） can also benefit the teachers and trigger them to be more knowledgeable, contributing to improvements of students. Therefore, the most ideal way is that professors do researches and spread those to teachers（是不是professor和teacher在这里有所不同，这点不太理解，如果是老师之间的传播，可以用spread to others）; and subsequently, the ideas（opinions，这个可以多进行替换） will be delivered to students.

Based on all the evidence mentioned above, which is convincing and can integrate to become more persuasive, I insist that only when professors focus time（用more time体现出比较的含义，从而显示出对自己观点的倾向） on doing research can universities raise their reputation and students become more competitive.

1.觉得绿光大大的文章写得还是挺好的，每一段的观点都很清晰，而且都很有条理的论证。我觉得作文必须切合评分标准的前提下再去对语言进行增色，而你的这些做的很好。最后一个观点的最后一句不是太理解，在文中标出了

2.你的文章出现了一些语法错误，一些是比较基本的，这个应当引起注意，因为这是评分中比较看重的，我第一次的作文，独立是good，但也指出了grammar和articulate（表达清晰）的问题，说明这很重要。一个常见的问题是定冠词the的使用，包括在students前的使用。

这一点给个例子，来自新东方戴云老师的作文网络课堂

People working in big company are supposed to be able to use computer.

两个语法错误：company，这样单独用前面要有冠词，而且是必须有，所以是a/the company，如果是复数，不需要冠词，直接companies；后面的computer是同样的问题，改为computers或者a/the computer

There is an evidence that advertising profoundly affects human being the world over.

Evidence不可数，an去掉，不能加不定冠词

3.关于词语和句子的增色，这个不需要刻意的做。在每次写完后，可以在别人修改的基础上自己再修改。对于词语，可以多样化，比如名词和形容词的转化，important和of great importance；同义词表达，同义词组；important，fundamental，matter（v.）;在形容词前加一个副词，remarkably high，在名词前加形容词，这样语言就多彩了。

4.句子觉得多用些新句式，比如你自己用的那个subsequently，blabla是个状语前置，这个多用，挺好的。有时候对自己的观点适当的使用强调句可能比单纯的therefore进行段尾的总结更好，而且更自然。

miss绿光

别不好意思！！来给我改的都爱死你们了！不着急的！

miss绿光

  才几天不写就已经退步成这样了...论点混乱,语言冗余...狠拍吧亲^^

10.8.28 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The main purpose for people who have jobs is for money rather than social status.

We pay efforts and subsequently, money and social status come into our hands, raising the discussion that which is our intention for having jobs? Granted, we are prone to manage nothing without money, but definitely, social status counts more in our hearts.

First of all, we live to gain self-actualization, including social status. According to the Maslow's Hierarchy Need Model, physiological needs lie down on the bottom; on the other hand, self-actualization occupies the top. Analogous to this model, money and social status, both of which we gained in jobs, are ordered differently. We acquire money to satisfy the physiological needs,namely food and clothes, whereas we obtain social status to realize ourselves,which is on the top of the need pyramid. Self-actualization includes the respect from others, revealing the fact that the most possible motivation to work is social status rather than the money.

Additionally, money doesn't matter vitally to us. Those famous and rich people do donations every year. If they work for money merely, why do they make such great amount of donation? Bill Gates donated 1.6 billion dollars to control malaria in Mozambique and more  than 2 billion to reform the local education system. Another businessman, LiJiacheng, the most wealthy person in China, donated 1 billion to build fund project for students from quake-hit areas. They offer money they earned in their jobs to charity, showing that money cannot serve as the initiative to work. By donating, they lose their money while raise their social status. On that note, money doesn't matter as vitally as social status.

Admittedly, some opponents may argue that the direct intention for work is to earn money. However, the direct intention always doesn't function as the real motivation. In fact, money is just a means of living, the more important is to achieve ourselves, including receive others' respect and obtain higher social status. Therefore, the real motivation for us to have jobs, is to possess social status rather than to make money merely.

To sum up, we work to achieve ourselves, that is, to gain social status. What's more, if everyone has  job only to make money, how can the society go forward? By making efforts to achieve ourselves, we conduct things that benefit not only ourselves, but also others and even the whole world.

sang824

We pay efforts and subsequently, money and social status come into our hands, raising the discussion that which is our intention for having jobs? Granted, we are prone to manage nothing without money, but definitely, social status counts more in our hearts.(简洁明了，赞)

First of all, we live to gain self-actualization, including social status. According to the Maslow's Hierarchy Need Model, (好高级的例子吖)physiological needs lie down on the bottom; on the other hand, self-actualization occupies the top. Analogous to this model, money and social status, both of which we gained in jobs, are ordered differently. We acquire money to satisfy the physiological needs,namely food and clothes, whereas we obtain social status to realize ourselves,which is on the top of the need pyramid（感觉which在这里怪怪的，改成just as the top of the need pyramid illustrates会不会好点）. Self-actualization includes the(没有特指,建议删除) respect from others,revealing the fact that the most possible motivation to work is social status rather than the money.(感觉这句话逻辑有点混乱，自我实现包括他人尊重，揭示了社会地位比钱更重要显得好突兀。建议修改Self-actualization,a core attainment of work, reflects the physiological needs such as respect from others,revealing the fact the...)

Additionally, money doesn't matter vitally to us. Those famous and rich people do donations every year. If they work for money merely, why do they make such great amount of donation? Bill Gates(好例子) donated 1.6 billion dollars to control malaria in Mozambique and more  than 2 billion to reform the local education system. Another businessman, LiJiacheng(好例子), the most wealthy person in China, donated 1 billion to build fund project for students from quake-hit areas. They offer money they(感觉累赘，建议删除) earned in their jobs to charity, showing that money cannot serve as the initiative to work. By donating, they lose their money while raise their social status. On that note, money doesn't matter as vitally as social status.

Admittedly, some opponents may argue that the direct intention for work is to earn money. However, the direct intention always doesn't function as the real motivation. In fact, money is just a means of living, the more important is to achieve ourselves（文章多次出现achieve ourselves,可以适当用self-realization相应替换）, including receive others' respect and obtain higher social status. Therefore, the real motivation for us to have jobs, is to possess social status rather than to make money merely.

第三个观点会不会和第一个观点有点重复，还是在重复自我实现。可以写钱尽管重要，但是没有钱也能赢得尊重.blabla

To sum up, we work to achieve ourselves, that is, to gain social status. What's more, if everyone has  job only to make money, how can the society go forward? By making efforts to achieve ourselves, we conduct things that benefit not only ourselves, but also others and even the whole world.

personal opinion:
总体觉得绿光的文章简洁，表达流畅，观点清晰
第一个观点例子好高端吖嘿嘿。第二个观点例证充分。
不足之处是文章不足400字，我觉得最后一段让步的时候可以再展开一点点钱是很重要..比如blabla,但是我还是认可social statue

第一次修改，不足之处多包涵嘿嘿。

期待绿光428的好消息，加油！

miss绿光

@sang的建议都十分十分中肯!
the的乱加毛病我一直都有...!!!!
还有句子有时候长了就逻辑混乱..
thx a lot!!!

CCcarol

我来拜读！！！

abjure

绿光的大作贴。

超级无敌小鹤鹤

== 这都挖出来了。。。。