喵总的作文贴！！跪求大家拍砖=。=

喵喵了个咪 · 发表于 2012-3-30 20:14:51

拖延了一个多礼拜，终于下定决心要开始练作文了。。。
5.20就考了。。不能再拖了。。。

跪求大家拍砖~如果拍，请往死里拍

喵喵了个咪 · 发表于 2012-3-30 20:20:12

3.30独立
Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

With the develop of the technology, the people receive the information more and convenient so that we could get in touch with superstars in many ways. So past decade has witness the remarkable changes in the citizen’s attitude to the entertainers and athletes. However, is that true to pay more attention to these stars’ privacy? Maybe it’s necessary for many people to abandon enrich their spare time. Nonetheless, for me, nothing is more evident than that it’s so tedious.

My main reason, conspicuous and ubiquitous, associates with the point that entertainers and athletes have their own daily life. They also need a private space to conceal their secrets as you who will absolutely angry with somebody catch a glimpse of your secret. At the same time, it should also be emphasized that the citizen needn’t to pay more attention to the superstars. They are same to us except different career. We could do something else to relax ourselves such as reading and do some sports. A third and still important consideration is that the media should not make the fame and position of entertainers and athletes so untouchable. That will increase the rate of people’s curiosity.

Some opponents might argue that famous entertainers and athletes are public celebrity. Making people happy and comfortable is their work. As long as citizen are glad, they can know everything from anyway. Persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. In fact, if you are the famous person who is liked by lots of people, what life would you like? Maybe no one want let everybody know his/her secret.

Obviously, all the evidence confirms an undoubted conclusion that famous person deserve to have more private zoom than they have today. Because respecting a person need to respect his/her privacy.

婷婷connie · 发表于 2012-3-31 23:17:40

哇，第一篇？
今天突然发现没有电了，明天改完了贴在这啊
Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now.

（With the developmentof the technology, ~~the~~ people receive~~the~~ informations(这里泛指就行)more and convenient（是更多更方便？） so that we could get in touch with superstars in many ways.）这段话可以删去 So(这个地方用so怪怪的)past decade has witness the remarkable changes in the citizen’s attitude to the entertainers and athletes. However, is that true to pay more attention to these stars’ privacy? Maybe it’s necessary for many people to abandon enriching their spare time. Nonetheless, for me, nothing is more evident than that it’s so tedious.(开头一定要简短，真正考试的时候没有那么多时间写的，通常格式：引出背景，然后把双方的观点摆出来，再点明自己的观点)

My main reason, conspicuous and ubiquitous, associates with the point that entertainers and athletes have(enjoy right to master) their own daily life. They also need a private space to conceal their secrets as ~~you who will~~every person wouldabsolutely be angry with somebody whocatch a glimpse of your secret. At the same time(simultaneously这个高级), it should also be emphasized that the citizen needn’t(need not)to pay more attention to the superstars. They are same to us except different careers. We could do something else to relax ourselves such as reading and do some sports. A third and still important consideration is that the media should not make the fame and position of entertainers and athletes so untouchable. That will increase ~~the rate of~~ people’s curiosity.

Some opponents might argue that famous entertainers and athletes are public celebrities. Making people happy and comfortable is their work. As long as citizen are glad, they can know everything from anyway(这句话不通). Persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. In fact, if you are the famous person who is liked（supported） by lots of people, whatkind of life would you like? Maybe no one want(is willing to)let everybody know his/her secret.

Obviously, all the evidence confirms an undoubted conclusion that famous person deserves to have more private zoom（room)than they have today. Because(because不能独立引导一个句子，把之前的句号改成逗号)respecting a person need to respect his/her privacy.

Conclusion: 对句子的逻辑性把握还不够,注意主谓一致哦，是第一次写吧？

喵喵了个咪 · 发表于 2012-4-1 19:55:09

TPO22 integrated

The lecturer talks about the opposite states of the ethanol fuel willbe a good replacement for traditional gasoline, and he gives demonstration to argue against the three part of the passage.

First, ethanol fuel will product large volume of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. It is a big problem to over environment. But we must realize that when the plants are growing, the plantsneed carbon dioxide to take photosynthesis. It will reduce the gas of burning ethanol fuel in the future.

Second, animal's food and the material to produce the ethanol fuel are not much relevant. Because we can use some parts of plants that are not eaten by animals to produce the fuel. And it would not influence the source of food for animals.

Third, at beginning, to make the ethanol fuel cheaper may need the government subsidize. But it won't be a long term. The increase of production will lead the price of ethanol fuel to drop. Research show that the price will drop probably by forty percent.

综合处女作

Crystaljoy · 发表于 2012-4-1 20:32:58

wow o wow~~~

jasonliu119 · 发表于 2012-4-1 21:38:27

The lecturer talks about the opposite states of the ethanol fuel willbe a good replacement for traditional gasoline, and he gives demonstration to （你的意思是“给出证明”？是你自己发明的么？感觉没见过这样表达的，建议用“provide sufficient evidence”或者省去）argue against the three part of the passage.

First, ethanol fuel will product large volume of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. It is a big problem to over（over可以这样搭配的么？） environment. But we must realize that when the plants are growing, the plantsneed carbon dioxide to take photosynthesis. It will reduce the gas of burning ethanol fuel in the future.

Second, animal's food and the material to produce the ethanol fuel are not much relevant. Because we can use some parts of plants that are not eaten by animals to produce the fuel. And it would not influence the source of food for animals.

Third, at beginning, to make the ethanol fuel cheaper may need the government subsidize. But it won't be a long term. The increase of production will lead the price of ethanol fuel to drop. Research show that the price will drop probably by forty percent.
不错不错，结构清晰，语句挺流畅的。
不过缺点很明显啊，你还没有了解综合写作的要求。
我觉得，你没有明确指出哪些是阅读的观点、哪些是讲座的观点。我对综合写作的理解是：阅读观点+讲座观点+讲座细节+阐明讲座与阅读观点的关系（抵触？or 同意？）。此外，要多用从句什么的，你文章句式太简单了，就算阐明了上述几点，不能得高分的。
建议你先看看几篇TPO范文再动笔，继续努力吧！

喵喵了个咪 · 发表于 2012-4-4 15:15:06

4.4独立

With the developing of our country, more and more skyscrapers are building up around us which show how convenient and comfortable the daily life are. Recently, people have shown an increased interest in a question that should the government build the new house instead of old historic building? For me, I strongly disagree this statement which pointed that protecting old historic building is waste time and money for the development of our city.

My main reason, pervasive and persuasive, associates with the point that the old historic building are unrecoverable heritages given by our ancestor. If we destroy the historic sites, what would we left for our children? At same time, what would our children think about us? For instance, Yuanmingyuan Imperial Garden as we all know was destroyed. What we could do today is just to visit the ruins and image original of it.

It should also be emphasized that old historic building must have a historic story. The historian could discovery what happened several hundred years ago. With the research of these building, scientists may realize how ancestors living and culture developing. For example, we could know Chinese daily life from their old architecture such as long eaves, curved roofs and red pillars.

On the surface, some opponents might claim that the old historic building make our city not modern what seems like undeveloped. Persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. Each nation has their own culture, and the historic building is a window to show the culture to world. If a nation does not have historic building, having beautiful skyscraper, what can?

Taking into account all these factors, we may safely draw the conclusion that protecting old historic building is necessary for our nation culture. It is more important for government preserve these building than build new housing.

喵喵了个咪 · 发表于 2012-4-5 16:06:53

4.5 综合 TPO1

The passage displays a topic that four-day week have lots benefits to five-day week. But in the lecture, the narrator disagree that point. He think it may not take the positive effects to the employees like passage says.

First, the passage says the shortened workweek would increase profit while the lecturer realize that the increasing profit would be cut by the ascent cost to providing training and medical benefits. Because the less work time company have, the more employee it need. And more computer and office space is must.

Second, from the passage, we could know that more needed employees could reduce the unemployed rate, the reason just like what the lecturer said at the first point. On the countary, the speaker think less work time will overload the stress to employees and will improve the expectation to the boss. So that they want employees do five-day’s work in four day. This may make people give up this job.

Third, the passage says lots people are willing to get more free time instead of higher salary. But the narrator is worry about it presents risks that more relax time would reduce quality of people’s life. And it also can influence the employees’ stability.

Herisson0509 · 发表于 2012-4-5 19:01:00

With the developing（development） of our country, more and more skyscrapers are building（builded）up around us which（这里不需要which 多余了）show how convenient and comfortable the daily life are. Recently, people have shown an increased （increasing）interest in a question （换an issue）that （加个whether 要不然不成句子）should the government build the new house instead of old historic building? （?去掉）For me, I strongly disagree this statement which pointed that protecting old historic building is waste time and money for the development of our city.（这里有些偏离主旨了应该换成it is not important to protect old historic building for the development of our city.）

My main reason, pervasive and persuasive, associates with the point that the old historic buildings are unrecoverable heritages given by our ancestor. If we destroy the historic sites, what would we left for our children? At same time, what would our children think about us? For instance, Yuanmingyuan Imperial Garden as we all know was destroyed. What we could do today is just to visit the ruins and image original of it.（论点和论证感觉衔接的不够好说服力不够强）

It should also be emphasized that old historic building must have a historic story. The historian could discovery what happened several hundred years ago. （历史家可以发现几百年的事是通过什么发现的要表达完整）With the research of these buildings, scientists may realize how ancestors living and culture developing.（这里是要表达神马意思啊文化发展吗动词形式用错lived and their culture developed ）For example, we could know Chinese daily life from their old architecture such as long eaves, curved roofs and red pillars.（what the ancients’daily life be like through those old architectures such as long eaves, curved roofs and red pillars.）

On the surface, some opponents might claim that the old historic building make our city not modern (outdated)what seems like undeveloped. （多余了）Persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. Each nation has their own culture, and the historic building is a window to show the culture to world. If a nation does not have historic building, having（having放在这不合适直接换only）beautiful skyscraper, what can?（what can 想表达什么？）

Taking into account all these factors, we may safely draw the conclusion that protecting old historic building is necessary for our nation culture. It is more important for government to preserve these buildings than build new housing.

总结：语言表达较中式化似乎是通病感觉有很多你是想说却表达不出来慢慢就好了一开始都这样

结构性不够好

语法上面有些欠缺多积累高级词汇吧简单的尽量少用

多用些连接词吧略少了

字数太少了平时练习至少得350 他们每次都写400+ 压力大啊

可能是你练的太少了再去多看看范文多练练就好了加加油

Crystaljoy · 发表于 2012-4-7 00:22:52

喵咪，

刚开始练习的时候可以不及时，多码字，多修改。

可以看看大本营方法帖里面几个大牛讲的经验。特别要注意：

综合作文：
1. 首先是2~3分钟的阅读，大概是两三百字的短文，这里我们要迅速抓住文章的重点——topic sentences，并且迅速抄下来。
注意：阅读不需要我们抓细节，我们要做的就是把要点记下来，然后对接下来听力要讲到的内容心里有数。
（写作判分的标准是阅读内容记下重点，不要求细节；但是听力的内容是要记下重点以及细节，细节不全就扣分，而且扣的非常狠）。

阅读结束之后转到听力——关键的一步来了，尤其是如果我们没有看过机经的话，这一步一定要精神高度紧张，全神贯注，我自己的做法就是像当同声传译那样把所有细节从头到尾记下来。

2. 在小作文当中要铭记的一点是：听力永远是反驳阅读的内容的。所以我们在阅读短文抄要点的时候就可以试着去想每个要点的反面是什么，这样到听力的时候就不会慌。另外还有一点：小作文中不能加入自己的观点和想法！！！综合写作只需要我们记下来要点转换为作文，不需要我们加入自己的看法，切记。

独立作文：
1> 字数问题：绝不是越多越好，而是以论点阐述清楚、论据清晰有力为标准。450字是个比较好的选择，如果你想说的特别多，500字也不错。绝对不要少于400字，否则乍看上去文章就很短，给判卷人的第一印象就打了折扣。
2> 结构问题。最保险的当然是五段式结构啦。开头结尾各一段，中间两个论点正面阐述，然后自圆其说增加一个论点。
3> 考场上要控制好时间。建议审题和列提纲在七八分钟左右，最多不要超过10分钟。写完一定要检查，不要犯低级的语法错误和拼写错误，这是所有阅卷人最讨厌看到的东西。

喵总的作文贴！！跪求大家拍砖=。=

Jason改

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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