喵总的作文贴！！跪求大家拍砖=。=

喵喵了个咪

8月21日It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends.

Maybe it will happen in your life in the future, when you are moving to a new city. Some old friends have lost of touch with you. And you cannot find the way to re-touch with them. What would you feel about this? Missing is necessary, but not effective. That is to say, for me, nothing is more evident that it is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends.

My main reason, pervasive and persuasive, associates with the point that old friends are more helpful when you are in trouble, because you have a deep relationship and know much about each other. For example, when I just entered the university campus, everyone is strange to me. I cannot make close friends with them. So I keep in touch with my old friends in high school to share my experience in the college. And they can give me some idea for how to get along with new people. Ireally appreciate to them.

At the same time, it should also be emphasized that you can play with your old friend outside in your city. It is very convenient for you all to watch a movie, play basketball and eat some delicious food no matter what the time is, because you are so close to meet. But if you are in different city, it could not happen unless one of you to visit other one from far away. That seems too sad to see an old friend after a long interval.

At the first thought, some opponents might claim that move to a new city or a new country can make some new friends to instead of old ones. But persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. As we all know, not only making close friends is difficult, but also get close with someone strange is hard too. In order to make new friends instead of old friends is not necessary. The reason is that you have to waste lots time to build trust with new friends, but old ones need not to do so.

Taking into account all these factors, we may safely draw the conclusion that It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends.

婷婷connie

8.21 改文
8月21日It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends.

哈哈，来给喵挑错啦~

Maybe it will happen in your life in the future（这个地方感觉不对，是发生在生活的未来？生活自己就包括了过去、现在、未来，建议把in the future去掉）（把逗号改成：）, when you are moving to a new city. (前后应该是一句吧)Some old friends have lost of（去掉） touch with you. And you cannot find the way to re-touch with them. What would you feel about this? Missing is necessary, but not effective.（这句木有读懂为什么用effective诶） That is to say, for me, nothing is more evident that it is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends.



My main reason, pervasive and persuasive, associates with the point that old friends are more helpful when you are in trouble, because you have a deep relationship and know much about each other. For example, when I just entered the university campus, everyone is strange to me. I cannot make close friends with them. So I keep in touch with my old friends in high school to share my experience（experiences,用作经历时有复数形式~） in the college. And they can give me some idea（s）for(改成about) how to get along with new people. Ireally appreciate to（appreciate是及物动词） them.



At the same time, it should also be emphasized that you can play with your old friend outside in your city. It is very convenient for you all to watch a movie, play basketball and eat some delicious food no matter what the time is, because you are so close to meet. But if you are in(a) different city, it could not happen unless one of you to visit other one from far away. That seems too sad to see an old friend after a long interval.



At the first thought, some opponents might claim that move to a new city or a new country can make some new（接连用了三个new，换成different之类的） friends to instead of old ones. But persuasive（plausible） as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. As we all know, not only making close friends is difficult, but also get(getting动名词)close with someone strange is hard too. In order to（去掉，这句缺少主语）make new friends instead of old friends is not necessary. The reason is that you have to waste lots （of）time to build trust with new friends, but old ones need not to do so(这一句逻辑有问题，不能说老朋友不需要花时间建立信任，而是很久以前就形成了).



Taking into account all these factors, we may safely draw the conclusion that It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends（为了展现语言多样性，换一种表达：that disadvantages overwhelm.outnumber advantages of a move to a new place in terms of the maintenance of old intimate friends.）.



Conclusion：

1.大错误没有，不过要注意一下单复数的介词使用~

2.文章写得很有条理

3.可以在语言多样性上追求一下

4.加油啦~

喵喵了个咪

8月23日 独立 For future career success, is relate well to other people more important thanstudying hard at school?



The argument about what is the most important for a person’s future career is a popular topic in citizen’s daily life. There are advantages and disadvantages about the problem that which of the relationship of people and good achievement in the school is the most important for the future career success. According to the experience about my friends and some famous person, I can easily reach the conclusion that relating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.



My main reason, persuasive and pervasive, associates with the point that the experience such as the ability about how to deal the relationship with others in society is more important than the knowledge learned from books. In order to prove this view, Bill Gates is the greatest example. He is not highly educated when he created the Microsoft. Just starting with his friends and using their talents to open up a new information era. His experience could make a positive effect for my opinion.



At the same time, it should also be emphasized that friends are the most precious wealth for a people’s whole life. But the knowledge which is studied in the school might not be used in the future career, because future is unpredictable. What a person’s career would be? It is unknown. For instance, My teacher Miss Lee is an English teacher of my university. But she was studying physics when she was undergraduate student. Her career is far away from what she studied in the school. This example can also prove my view.



At the first thought, some opponents might claim that the knowledge from the school is fundamental for a person into the society. Persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. In fact, there are much more people who are not have a good education in modern society. The knowledge is not a necessity for a people to live. But without friends, without others’ help, we may not survive in this crucial world.



Take into account all these factors, we can safely draw the conclusion that good relationship is a assurance of career success. That is to say relate well to other people is more important thanstudying hard at school for future career success.

超级无敌小鹤鹤

喵总加油！

chasedreamabc

At the first thought? 这个可以用在第三层吗

超级无敌小鹤鹤

At the first thought? 这个可以用在第三层吗

-- by 会员 chasedreamabc (2012/8/24 16:28:22)

嗯 这儿这个用错了

Serena0710

The argument about what is the most important （这里需要加一个名词，不加时不行滴~~~比如加一个element！）for a person’s future career is a popular topic in citizen’s daily life. There are advantages and disadvantages about the problem that which of the relationship of people and good achievement in the school is the most important for the future career success. （这句话读着很困难，虽是长句，但会压分。1. There are 句型用的老掉牙外加很累赘。2. Advantages and disadvantages 图样图森破！记住以后用pros and cons. 同样的表达，更高的分数。）3. Which 其实不表二者之一，请用either …or… 我本试图帮你改一下这个句子，但是我没太明白你这个句子的意思。你根据我说的自己再写一个行不？新句子请写在回帖里我帮你再看看~)According to the experience about （about 改为of）my friends and some famous person, I can easily reach the conclusion that relating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.



My main reason, persuasive and pervasive, associates with（用在此处表达不是特别合适，再斟酌） the point that the experience such as the ability about （喵喵好钟爱about啊~~哈哈~继续换成of！） how to deal the relationship with others in society is more important than the knowledge learned from books. In order to prove this view, Bill Gates is the greatest （意在表达最好的例子？那就不要用great，这有种感觉是最伟大的例子。。。囧。。。） example. He is not highly educated （highly educated 意味受过良好教育，常识告诉我们，这家伙绝对是受过良好教育的。。。可以说：he didn’t accomplish his bachelor degree education）when he created the Microsoft. Just starting with his friends and using their talents to open up a new information era.（这句话没谓语，不完整） His experience could make a positive effect for my opinion. (个人认为这句是充字数的废话。。。)



At the same time, it should also be emphasized that friends are the most precious wealth for a people’s （people是负数，不能用a,改为person，或for one’s whole life.）whole life. But the knowledge which is (which is 可以去掉) studied in the （改为at）school might not be used in the future career, because future is unpredictable. What a person’s career would （will） be? It is unknown. For instance, My （my）teacher Miss Lee is an English teacher of my university. But she was studying physics when she was (a) undergraduate student. Her career is far away from what she studied in the school. This example can also prove my view. (这段观点有点尴尬吧。。。以后用不到知识不代表知识就不重要。嗯，不太有说服力哦，还有依然是最后一句，略显无力。。。。)



At the first thought （可以用在第三层？？？？和abc一样的疑问。这里用一个additionally衔接的会更好）, some opponents might claim that the knowledge from the （去掉the）school is fundamental for a person into the society. Persuasive as it （改成that claim） seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. In fact, there are much more people who are not have （啊哦~错鸟~~） a good education in modern society（ in fact, a lot of people are not well educated in modern society）. The knowledge is not a necessity for a people to live. But without friends, without others’ help (请按语法合理合并：without friends and other’s help(, we may not survive in this crucial world.



Take (taking! 不然句子有两个谓语) into account all these factors, we can safely draw the conclusion that good relationship is a (an) assurance of career success. That is to say(逗号！) relate well to other people is more important than studying hard at school for future career success.（有个很好的表达，play a more important role.）



总评：



1.我不知道喵喵考没考过G，语法方面有些问题。

2.句式真的不够简洁。字码的多不代表高分。

3.语言表达很欠缺。有本书很好，answers to all TOEFL essay questions 多看看，吸收地道的表达。

4.文章的后两个观点，说服力不够强。显得很牵强。

5.

PS. 喵喵请原谅，我批改的话语说的比较直接。虽然我自己水平也不高，但是我认为所有有助于小分队队员进步的都是负责任的行为。话糙理不糙，LZ想打人就忍忍吧（偷笑）。

超级无敌小鹤鹤

总评：

1.我不知道喵喵考没考过G，语法方面有些问题。

-- by 会员 Serena0710 (2012/8/24 17:49:25)

喵喵要哭了。。。 上个月刚考完G。。。

Serena0710

总评：

1.我不知道喵喵考没考过G，语法方面有些问题。

-- by 会员 Serena0710 (2012/8/24 17:49:25)

喵喵要哭了。。。 上个月刚考完G。。。

-- by 会员 超级无敌小鹤鹤 (2012/8/24 18:12:25)

额。。。不是故意的。。。

喵喵了个咪

8月24日 独立 Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.



When coming to this colorful world, we are attracted by various media. They teach us knowledge, open our sight and develop our thinking. What is more, movies and television become the most effective media in people’s daily lives hitherto. Lots of people believe that media are the irreplaceable factors to let a person know what he wants. However, as far as I could see, there are more negative effects for teenagers who do not have sufficient of self-control.



My main reason, pervasive and persuasive, support the point is that spending too much time to watch movies and television is harmful to the children’s health. Not only the radiation produced by screen would injure their sight, but also less physical exercise which instead by sitting in front of the screen might cause them overweight. A data investigated by the China Daily says that there are 45% of the young people under 12 years old are overweight and 75% of the young people under 18 years old are wearing glasses. This survey may be convictive about the view that movies and television have serious negative effects on the way young people behave.



At the same time, it should also be emphasized that what content are contained into the movies and television must receive parents’ attention. With the highly completing communication of our society, we could find whatever television program and movies we want through a computer so that we need not have to go to the cinema or sit in front of TV. That is to say, teenagers may watch some scenes are violent, sexy, horrific and so on without the examining of government. If the children have seen these kinds of picture, negative effects may harm the children’s tender heart.



Admittedly, some opponents might claim that youngster could learn lots of knowledge from movies and television. Persuasive as it seems to be, a close analysis would reveal how flimsy it is. In fact, without these kinds of media, children can also learn from the books and internship in society. Before the television is invented, people can also study by their hard working to be the person they want. The media with high-technology could not be an excuse to one’s lazy.



Obviously, all the evidence confirms an undoubted conclusion that movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.