pengxudong的写作贴，求不留情批改

pengxudong

第一次参加互改，这是我的9月5日的作业：综合+独立

sherlock1992

红色修改 蓝色建议 高亮表赞

Young people are considered to be the futureof a nation and there are a number of rules in societies to regulate theirbehaviors. Are the rules in societies today too strict for them? In my opinion,although some think the rules are too strict, I tend to consider that theserules are appropriate and young people are actually benefited from most ofrules.

    Some people claim that young people are undertaking too muchobligations.(这里最好再多加几句话来步步推进，否则红果果的一句话是不是尴尬了点） For example, in China, students are required by the government tostudy in schools at least nine years. However, people may declare that thisrule is too strict because students should be given the right to choose whetherto study in schools. Some students may tend to receive education at home sincehome education is more customized and more suitable for the development ofchildren's personalities.  童鞋，建议在段尾再加语句总结性的话，使得段落成总-分-总结构或许会更好哦

    However（童鞋，这里不是转折，用second/moreover/besides等继续论证观点吧）, most of rules in societies are actually beneficial to youngpeople. It is known to us that many discounting rules are set up exclusivelyfor young people. For instance, in England, young people aging from sixteen totwenty-five can gain one thirds of discount on train tickets, which isanappealing regulation（这里用rule比较合适） since it takes into consideration young people'sinability to pay high-priced tickets. 这段的例子不错，只是仍旧和第一段一样存在缺陷。。。下段同

     In addition, there is also a law called Protection of Children Act inChina. This law serves to be an extra protection for children apart from otherlaws for people. Regulations such as children who commit crimes must be judgedprivately in courts or should be given more education rather than being sent toprisons like adults,（逗号去掉） can demonstrate that young people especially children aregiven more care from societies.

    As far as I am concerned, I totally disagree with the statement thatrules in societies today are too strict for them. Furthermore, I think most ofrules serve to give assistance to children and keep them from going astray.

小结：啊啊啊啊啊，小结了，兄台，您的作文：
1.有点短，托福字数最好上个400什么的（话说我也怎么上过）。。。
2.兄台的语法知识很扎实，举得例子也挺不错的，除了论证的几段开头太短，结尾没有外，对了还有例子可以再详实些，都不错。。。
3.童鞋加油，你的提升空间一定会很大的。

bye~

pengxudong

这是我的9月6日的作业：综合+独立
多谢指导

pengxudong

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-9-6 20:03
红色修改 蓝色建议 高亮表赞
Young people are considered to be the futureof a nation and  ...

1。是的啊，段落中还要加些话来步步推进，另外增加总结性的话，形成总 分总结构更好
2。 我觉得是转折呀，我的第二段是说有些人认为规则太多，然而第三段和第四段却说规则其实对年轻人有利，因而就不多了。同学你认为呢？

再次感谢同学的点评，其实我的最大问题就是文章结构总把握不好

sherlock1992

pengxudong 发表于 2013-9-7 04:40
1。是的啊，段落中还要加些话来步步推进，另外增加总结性的话，形成总 分总结构更好
2。 我觉得是转折呀 ...

第二段中的however表明在第二段中已经进行来转折，对原观点已经进行了反驳，所以第三段并没有转折，而是另一个论据。

sherlock1992

pengxudong 发表于 2013-9-7 04:40
1。是的啊，段落中还要加些话来步步推进，另外增加总结性的话，形成总 分总结构更好
2。 我觉得是转折呀 ...

第二段中的however表明在第二段中已经进行来转折，对原观点已经进行了反驳，所以第三段并没有转折，而是另一个论据。

wanggang0411

综合改完了, 细节COVER的很好, 文章开头可以再提高下, 加油.

pengxudong

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-9-7 09:35
第二段中的however表明在第二段中已经进行来转折，对原观点已经进行了反驳，所以第三段并没有转折，而是 ...

好的同学，我懂你意思了，谢谢呀

pengxudong

wanggang0411 发表于 2013-9-7 17:17
综合改完了, 细节COVER的很好, 文章开头可以再提高下, 加油.

恩，说得很有道理。
不过我查了字典，其实doubt可以加s或不加s，
不过你的建议改成refers several arguments to refute是比doubt原句更好的表达，谢谢了

wanggang0411

pengxudong 发表于 2013-9-7 04:27
这是我的9月6日的作业：综合+独立
多谢指导

都改完了, 记得多修正, 多写, 加油