诚求各位高手狠狠批

lillian馨

作文水平实在次，特别逻辑与结构上的组织上，内容上如何丰富~~~诚求各位高手狠狠批，多多给出意见~~~小女纸在此多谢多谢了

lillian馨

Some parents believe that children should have different jobs from them because they want their children to have a more decent job with higher salaries, or they want their children to have a job though which children can have a different social circle. I agree that it is good for children to earn more money and make friends with different people. However, I think there is something more important to consider, making me to hold the view that children should have a similar job with parents.

The threshold reason is that with a similar job, parents can directly transfer their experiences to children, leaving children less pressure. As we all know, with the quickened development of society, people are faced with increasing competition, making it very hard for the young, especially the students after graduation without experiences, to enter a totally new working environment. If parents can tell the children their knowledge about the job during past 20years, it will be totally easy for children march in the right direction. My friend Vicky and her father are all teachers, with the instruction from her father, Vicky quickly learned the methods to attract the attention of students, avoiding the stress to deal with a totally new job.


In addition, similar work contributes to the better relationship among family members. Do you have the experience that when you were a student, your parent will talk about your study in the school as long as they know your textbook? I have encountered this kind of situation. Likewise, if your parents know your job, they will talk about your jobs too, offering you an opportunity to communicate and making you closer. What’s more, I think similar job can reduce the possibility of conflicting. Imagine you are an inventor who prefers risk with high benefits, and your father is an accountant who is very prudent and conservative. When you want to invest in a big project with certain potential risk, at this time you father will come out to persuade you or even impede you to make this investment, making a divergence at a certain extent.

To sum up, in consideration of the enormous pressure of children in the competitive society and the harmonious relationship among families children should have the same job with their parents.

lillian馨

The lecture opposes the assumption adopted by the reading passage which states environmental pollution takes the responsibility for the decline of sea otters and asserts that predation causes the decreased number.

After all, the speaker says the fact that the absence the dead otters on the beaches is consistent with the predation hypothesis and ambivalent with infection’s function. After killing the otters, predators would detour them, leaving no bodies on the shore. In contrast, the reading attributes the death of otters to ocean contaminations which leads to vulnerability of infection.

What’s more, the professor claims it is likely that ocras have no choice but to change to the smaller prays due to the decline of their superior preference whales.  However the passage eliminates this possibility because of ocras eating habit and cites the pollution as the only explanation.

Finally, in the lecture it is said that the uneven pattern of otter decline can be illustrated by the accessibility of the living locations. To be specific, if otters are reachable to octas, the populations decrease dramatically while in rocky areas which is not easily to predators the level of decline is not apparent. The reading, on the other hand, states the environmental factors, which results in uneven pattern of pollutants explain the decline.

lillian馨

12.16

It is cool to fly from the very north to the farthermost south in our country within several hours, isn’t it? However, when considering the requirement of daily life, we seldom have to cross whole area of China. And from the perspective of practicability and flexibility, I definitely hold the view that the automobile plays a greater role in social life than airplane does.

To begin with, a car correlates more with daily life, winning it an advantage of practical applicability over a plane and making it convenient to people.  Our daily  routine contains a lot of activities such as going to work, watching a movie, or going for a travel during weekeeds if possible. No one can deny that it is easy to go to workplace, cinema and scenery spot by car but impossible by airplane. we can reach the car once getting out of the house whereas it is still in my imagination to see a plane in front of my apartment. So cars do bring about great benefits to our life that planes can not do presently.


In addition, the flexibility of cars can endow us the possibility to deal with other contempory things or even unexpected urgencies. It is true that with a car we can set off or halt at any time as long as we want, but a plane has regular timetables and won’t change at random. In the last summer vacation, my families members were determined to drive to Xizang in the east of China from my hometown Zhengzhou, which is in the middle of China. But several hours later after we left, my father reveiced the message that my grandmother was ill suddenly and needed our help. We had to return immediately. It is lucky that we drived  the car rather than took the airplane, otherwise we would have had no choice but to get to the site directly and then came back.

Admittedly, there are occasions that we can only take the airplane as the priority such as going abroad for further study, participate a meeting in a foreign country and traveling around the world. However in my experiences, the opportunity to study abroad, to attend a meeting in joint venture or to tralvel throughout world is not common people with averaged income level can afford. The number of those people only accounts for a small portion of the whole population. For most people car is the kind of veicle that affects the life a lot.

To sum up, considering the great extent of availability and flexible usage, I undoubtedly believe it is the car that has a great influence on society.

阿伦艾弗森

Some parents believe that children should have different jobs from them because they want their children to have a more decent job with higher salaries, or they want their children to have a job though which children can have a different social circle.（注意你这句话的主谓一致） I agree that it is good for children to earn more money and make friends with different people.（用指代吧，不然重复了） However, I think there is something more important to consider, making（这样的话make 的逻辑主语就是I了  I make me……有语法错误）me to hold the view that children should have a similar job with parents.

The threshold（这词多做分水岭讲……）reason is that with a similar job, parents can directly transfer their experiences（做经验讲不可数）to children,leaving children less pressure. As we all know, with the quickened development of society, people are faced with increasing competition, making it very hard for the young, especially the students after graduation without experiences, to enter a totally new working environment.（如果是这样的整句最好动词和动词之间并列，不然结构太过凌乱。） If parents can tell the children their knowledge about the job during past 20years, it  （指代不明）will be totally easy for children （to）march in the right direction. eg:My friend Vicky and her father are all teachers, with the instruction from her father, Vicky quickly learned the methods to attract the attention of students,(这句话两个谓语却没有连词) avoiding the stress to deal with a totally new job.


In addition, similar work contributes to the better relationship among family members. Do  （did）you have the experience that when you were a student, your parent will talk about your study in the school as long as they know your textbook?（注意你的时态）I have encountered this kind of situation. Likewise, if your parents know your job, they will talk about your jobs too, offering you an opportunity to communicate and making you closer.（这种结构的句子很难让人看出offering的逻辑主语时谁） What’s more, I think similar job can reduce the possibility of conflicting. Imagine （that）you are an inventor who prefers risk with high benefits, and（but）your father is an accountant who is very prudent and conservative. When you want to invest in a big project with certain potential risk, at this time your father will （前提是假设，最好用Might）come out to persuade you or even（to） impede you to make this investment, making a divergence at a certain extent.（这种句子不大好，这样子Making的逻辑主语就是father而不是父子了）

To sum up, in consideration of the enormous pressure of children in the competitive society and the harmonious relationship among families， children should have the same job with their parents.

1.你喜欢将doing 句型放句末，但是要注意逻辑注意问题，而且有些句子用并列结构更好，doing反而累赘
2.时态问题


一点拙见，还望共同进步~！

阿伦艾弗森

The lecture opposes the assumption adopted by the reading passage which states （that）environmental pollution takes the responsibility for the decline of sea otters and asserts that predation causes the decreased number.（阅读的观点是只有环境污染对otters有影响）

After all,（这个词是毕竟的意思） the speaker says the fact that the absence （of）the dead otters on the beaches is consistent with the predation hypothesis and ambivalent with infection’s function. After killing the otters, predators would detour them, leaving no bodies on the shore. In contrast, the reading attributes the death of otters to ocean contaminations which leads to vulnerability of infection.

What’s more, the professor claims it is likely that ocras have no choice but to change to the smaller prays due to the decline of their superior preference whales. However the passage eliminates this possibility because of ocras eating habit and cites the pollution as the only explanation.

Finally, in the lecture it is said that the uneven pattern of otter decline can be illustrated by the accessibility of the living locations. To be specific, if otters are reachable to octas, the populations decrease dramatically (有一个连词要出现两个谓语)while in rocky areas which is not easily to predators， the level of decline is not apparent. The reading, on the other hand, states the environmental factors, which results in uneven pattern of pollutants explain the decline.

lillian馨

Some parents believe that children should have different jobs from them because they want their children to have a more decent job with higher salaries, or they want their children to have a job though which children can have a different social circle.（注意你这句话的主谓一致） I agree that it is good for children to earn more money and make friends with different people.（用指代吧，不然重复了） However, I think there is something more important to consider, making（这样的话make 的逻辑主语就是I了  I make me……有语法错误）me to hold the view that children should have a similar job with parents.

The threshold（这词多做分水岭讲……）reason is that with a similar job, parents can directly transfer their experiences（做经验讲不可数）to children,leaving children less pressure. As we all know, with the quickened development of society, people are faced with increasing competition, making it very hard for the young, especially the students after graduation without experiences, to enter a totally new working environment.（如果是这样的整句最好动词和动词之间并列，不然结构太过凌乱。） If parents can tell the children their knowledge about the job during past 20years, it  （指代不明）will be totally easy for children （to）march in the right direction. eg:My friend Vicky and her father are all teachers, with the instruction from her father, Vicky quickly learned the methods to attract the attention of students,(这句话两个谓语却没有连词) avoiding the stress to deal with a totally new job.


In addition, similar work contributes to the better relationship among family members. Do  （did）you have the experience that when you were a student, your parent will talk about your study in the school as long as they know your textbook?（注意你的时态）I have encountered this kind of situation. Likewise, if your parents know your job, they will talk about your jobs too, offering you an opportunity to communicate and making you closer.（这种结构的句子很难让人看出offering的逻辑主语时谁） What’s more, I think similar job can reduce the possibility of conflicting. Imagine （that）you are an inventor who prefers risk with high benefits, and（but）your father is an accountant who is very prudent and conservative. When you want to invest in a big project with certain potential risk, at this time your father will （前提是假设，最好用Might）come out to persuade you or even（to） impede you to make this investment, making a divergence at a certain extent.（这种句子不大好，这样子Making的逻辑主语就是father而不是父子了）

To sum up, in consideration of the enormous pressure of children in the competitive society and the harmonious relationship among families， children should have the same job with their parents.

1.你喜欢将doing 句型放句末，但是要注意逻辑注意问题，而且有些句子用并列结构更好，doing反而累赘
2.时态问题


一点拙见，还望共同进步~！

-- by 会员 阿伦艾弗森 (2012/12/16 16:44:51)

感谢艾弗森~~~改的真的很细心~~~时态问题确实写着写着就忘了。还有句末doing的形式，经你指出才发现用了这么多这个句式，以后学着用并列！不过有一个问题是我在GMAT语法里面学的句末的doing的逻辑主语并不一定非得是句子主语的，可以做结果状语，也就是说前面句子的这个事情引发了后面doing那个结果。

lillian馨

12.17     要不要在小组工作中倾听他人意见
Are you agitated with the person in your group who always considers himself superior and neglects others’ opinions . For most people, I think, the answer may be yes. And so it is for me. As a matter of fact, I believe that listening to other members’ suggestion can not only benefit the group but also improve ourselves.

To begin with, lending a ear to partners endows you an opportunity to learn from them and enrich ourselves. Everyone has his merits. When working with several colleagues, you are likely, to a great extent, to identify someone who does better than you in some aspects. Thus, listening to their ideas would definitely refresh your mind. Four organizers including me in the English club were determined to recruit several members who have excellent communication ability. we would simply make every competitor introduce himself in one minute, a regular process existing from the establishment of the club. However, one of the organizers Vicky contended that this method should be abolished and would make many qualified applicants slip from our fingers. And she proposed her own idea that we should distribute several people in a group discussing an issue and achieving the conclusion of their group. Judging from this process, we picked out the superior, whose communication ability far outweighed that of people we selected before. Vicky’s opinion made me know that we should listen to other’s opinions which may include creative thoughts.

In addition, listening enables the task of a group to proceed successfully. It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. I can’t thought of a better example than the case of myself. My roommates and I cooperated to accomplish a paper the professor had assigned to us. We had to choose a topic, and after class I immediately talked to teacher about my idea without asking for the advice of my roommates. Later, when it came to searching for materials, my roommates just chat and did nothing at all. Then I asked them the reason why they showed no interest, they just said: you choose the topic on your own, so do it yourself. Until then did I realized that I should have listened to their ideas before choosing the topic.
Admittedly, we have to acknowledge that listening to other people’s opinions may consume a lot of time, from the discussion of the very beginning to the final agreement of the end. Whereas in my mind, once an excellent idea has be proposed, the others would not come up their less idealized opinions, substantially decreasing the need to discuss continuously and time to achieve an agreement. In other words, this process is actually not that time-consuming.

To sum up, listening is an indispensable part of cooperation.

麦田往事

Are you agitated with the person in your group who always considers himself superior and neglects others’ opinions. For most people, I think, the answer may be yes. And so it is for me. As a matter of fact, I believe that listening to other members’ suggestion can not only benefit the group but also improve ourselves.

To begin with, lending an ear to partners endows you an opportunity to learn from them and enrich ourselves. Everyone has his merits. When working with several colleagues, you are likely, to a great extent(likely和to a great extent 是否语义重复了), to identify someone who does better than you in some aspects. Thus, listening to their ideas would definitely refresh your mind. Four organizers including me in the English club were determined to recruit several members who have excellent communication ability. We would simply make every competitor introduce himself in one minute, a regular process existing from the establishment of the club. However, one of the organizers Vicky contended that this method should be abolished and would make many qualified applicants slip from our fingers. And she proposed her own idea that we should distribute several people in a group discussing an issue and achieving the conclusion of their group. Judging from this process, we picked out the superior, whose communication ability far outweighed that of people we selected before. Vicky’s opinion made me know that we should listen to other’s opinions which may include creative thoughts.

In addition, listening enables the task of a group to proceed successfully. It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. I can’t thoughtthink of a better example than the case of myself. My roommates and I cooperated to accomplish a paper the professor had assigned to us. We had to choose a topic, and. But这里用转折关系是不是更好一些after class I immediately talked to teacher about my idea without asking for the advice of my roommates. Later, when it came to searching for materials, my roommates just chat and did nothing at all. Then I asked them the reason why they showed no interest, they just said: you choose the topic on your own, so do it yourself. Until then did At last, I realized that I should have listened to their ideas before choosing the topic.这里对第二个原因加一个总结就更好了
Admittedly, we have to acknowledge that listening to other people’s opinions may consume a lot of time, from the discussion of the very beginning to the final agreement ofin the end. Whereas in my mind, once an excellent idea has be proposed, the others would not come up their less idealized opinions, substantially decreasing the need to discuss continuously and time to achieve an agreement. In other words, this process is actually not that time-consuming.

To sum up, listening is an indispensable part of cooperation.

两个原因加一个让步段，逻辑结构相当工整。你的文章以我的水平几乎找不出什么大的问题。尤其是语言，插入语和词语的替换都十分丰富和灵活。我真心要好好学习下。

如果这篇文章你没有修改过一次成功的话，那我真要膜拜你了

lillian馨

Are you agitated with the person in your group who always considers himself superior and neglects others’ opinions. For most people, I think, the answer may be yes. And so it is for me. As a matter of fact, I believe that listening to other members’ suggestion can not only benefit the group but also improve ourselves.

To begin with, lending an ear to partners endows you an opportunity to learn from them and enrich ourselves. Everyone has his merits. When working with several colleagues, you are likely, to a great extent(likely和to a great extent 是否语义重复了), to identify someone who does better than you in some aspects. Thus, listening to their ideas would definitely refresh your mind. Four organizers including me in the English club were determined to recruit several members who have excellent communication ability. We would simply make every competitor introduce himself in one minute, a regular process existing from the establishment of the club. However, one of the organizers Vicky contended that this method should be abolished and would make many qualified applicants slip from our fingers. And she proposed her own idea that we should distribute several people in a group discussing an issue and achieving the conclusion of their group. Judging from this process, we picked out the superior, whose communication ability far outweighed that of people we selected before. Vicky’s opinion made me know that we should listen to other’s opinions which may include creative thoughts.

In addition, listening enables the task of a group to proceed successfully. It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt. I can’t thoughtthink of a better example than the case of myself. My roommates and I cooperated to accomplish a paper the professor had assigned to us. We had to choose a topic, and. But这里用转折关系是不是更好一些after class I immediately talked to teacher about my idea without asking for the advice of my roommates. Later, when it came to searching for materials, my roommates just chat and did nothing at all. Then I asked them the reason why they showed no interest, they just said: you choose the topic on your own, so do it yourself. Until then did At last, I realized that I should have listened to their ideas before choosing the topic.这里对第二个原因加一个总结就更好了
Admittedly, we have to acknowledge that listening to other people’s opinions may consume a lot of time, from the discussion of the very beginning to the final agreement ofin the end. Whereas in my mind, once an excellent idea has be proposed, the others would not come up their less idealized opinions, substantially decreasing the need to discuss continuously and time to achieve an agreement. In other words, this process is actually not that time-consuming.

To sum up, listening is an indispensable part of cooperation.

两个原因加一个让步段，逻辑结构相当工整。你的文章以我的水平几乎找不出什么大的问题。尤其是语言，插入语和词语的替换都十分丰富和灵活。我真心要好好学习下。

如果这篇文章你没有修改过一次成功的话，那我真要膜拜你了

-- by 会员 麦田往事 (2012/12/18 17:04:42)

额。。。。。我是用了30分钟的好几倍的时间写的。。。。。。第一段还是昨天晚上写的。。。所以。。。以后尽量限定时间完成！！