诚求各位高手狠狠批

lillian馨

12.19    A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.


Isn’t it cool to encounter a job promotion because of your outstanding performances during the investigation recently? Aren’t you excited to receive to the premiums due to your novel idea to improve the finance products? Of course just as everybody enjoys the pressure a job brings, so do I. And I even suppose the process of happiness pursuit is more positively affected by a job than by social life.

To begin with, a job endows you salary, more or less, which can serve the physical and mental requirement of both of your own and you family members. Nobody denies the fact that the basic needs, such as salt, oil, clothes, water, all account for a certain part of finance in a family. A feeling of being hungry for a day is not that good. Apart from material facet, the wages also bring you spiritual enjoyment. I can’t think of a better example than my father, who says that there is nothing else that can make him happier than the moment I receive a gift from him with big smile. And it is the money my father earns with his job that pays for the gift.

In addition, a job offers you an opportunity to acquire a sense of achievement, making you acknowledge your merits to this world. During work, you may unavoidably confront difficulties, if you can solve a tough problem with your wisdom, you would be the one every one praises.  My brother, a portfolio manager, promised to a businessman to carry out an investment plan to gain 30% profits under the circumstance that all his colleages thought it was an impossible task. He did market research thoroughly and carefully.  When the final date came, to his surprise, he got 35% of profits. Never did he have the feeling that he was the focus superiors speak highly of, a kind of accomplishment anything else cannot exceed.


It’s true that social life is an indispensable part of life since we can’t always bury ourselves in the work. We should at least have recreation activities, such as going shopping with friends, watching a movie with a relative or going for travel if available. But from my experience, it is only a small part of our life since we have activities related to work from Monday to Friday, and even on weekends we have to prepare ourselves for the next week. What’s more, the pleasure resulting from social life is built on the foundation of a job which provides economic support for the ticket for a movie, commodities having been bought, and travel cheque.

To sum up, I can safely draw the conclusion that happiness relates more to job than to social life.

lillian馨

12.20   Young people today are more likely to help others than young people in the past.

With the quickened development of economy and education, nowadays people are definitely more likely to help others due to both the improved economic ability to lend a hand and the increased level of awareness of assist others than those, especially young people, thirty years ago. My view can be demonstrated by the following reasons.

To begin with, the better economic situation contributes to the possibility to give the poor a hand. 30 years ago, a large number of young people could not support their families or even satisfy their own daily needs, such as clothes and foods, not to mention to donate their old sweaters or surplus rice to those who were cold or hungry.  Whereas recent years the averaged incomings of most families are surging, so there is no need to care about several pences if they have the property that is worth of millions of dollars. My father often told me that when he was young he was ready to give his neighbor a piece of bread, which was the food for a whole day of my father, the fear of hunger made his thought fade. However I, as a young girl of modern time, often distribute my old clothes to the kids living in the mountain areas since it does not affect my requirement for daily needs. It is the better economic condition give us the chance to help others.

In addition, the booming level of consciousness to endowment also comes from school education and advocate of social media. No one can deny the fact that in the school we learn not only academic knowledge but also the disciplines to be contributors. So many students are praised because they  share their umbrellas with classmates. Similarly, we could always hear a a piece of audio on the bus: if the pregnant , the old , the illness, or the disability are standing next to you, please give your seat to them, thank you. all these activities encourage us to do others a favor as long as we can. However, 30 years ago the whole society seldom amphasized this matter or stimulated this behavior with compliments, leading less motives for people to concern others. Thus with the inspiration from school and the reminding from society  the young are more  likely to  help others.


To sum up,  taking into consideration of the increasing prosper, the quality education and support of media, we can come to the conclusion that people are more likely to help others.

zhisheng2200

12.19A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.





Isn’t it cool to encounter a job promotion because of your outstanding performances during the investigation recently? Aren’t you excited to receive to the premiums due to your novel idea to improve the finance products? Of course just as everybody enjoys the pressure a job brings, so do I. And I even suppose the process of happiness pursuit is more positively affected by a job than by social life.（我不知道这个suppose是不是还有特殊用法，感觉在这里语气弄的挺别扭的）



To begin with, a job endows you salary, more or less, which can serve the physical and mental requirement of both of your own and you family members. Nobody denies the fact that the basic needs, such as salt, oil, clothes, water, all account for a certain part of finance in a family. A feeling of being hungry for a day is not that good. Apart from material facet, the wages also bring you spiritual enjoyment. I can’t think of a better example than my father, who says that there is nothing else that can make him happier than the moment I receive a gift from him with big smile. And it is the money my father earns with his job that pays for the gift.



In addition, a job offers you an opportunity to acquire a sense of achievement, making you acknowledge your merits to this world. During work, you may unavoidably confront difficulties, if you can solve a tough problem with your wisdom, you would be the one every one praises.My brother, a portfolio manager, promised to a businessman to carry out an investment plan to gain 30% profits under the circumstance that all his colleagues thought it was an impossible task. He did market research thoroughly and carefully.When the final date came, to his surprise, he got 35% of profits. Never did he have such a feeling thatwhen he was the focus superiors speak highly of, that a kind of accomplishment is what anything else cannot exceed.(原话感觉有歧义，我改的也不一定对)





It’s true that social life is an indispensable part of life since we can’t always bury ourselves in the work. We should at least have recreation activities, such as going shopping with friends, watching a movie with a relative or going for travel if available. But from my experience, it is only a small part of our life since we have activities related to work from Monday to Friday, and even on weekends we have to prepare ourselves for the next week. What’s more, the pleasure resulting from social life is built on the foundation of a job which provides economic support for the ticket for a movie, commodities having been bought, and travel cheque.



To sum up, I can safely draw the conclusion that happiness relates more to job than to social life.

LZ写得非常好，逻辑有序，语言流畅，用词很多地方也很精彩，我改的时候就再想得多读几遍好好学习一下。
我水平也有限，修改地方可能也有不对的地方，LZ感觉不妥可以继续交流。
最重要的是我感觉LZ的逻辑写的很好，很简单就把道理说清楚了，而且最后也写了500字。我写500字感觉就想摞砖块一样，写的很累，别人看着可能也累。有机会LZ可以看看我的作文，提提意见，多谢~
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-784934-2-1.html#last

zhisheng2200

对了，忘了说开头标的那几个红字了？LZ一定是学金融的吧，开头举的例子都是金融工程相关的，感觉上来就全是这方面的有些唐突和绝对了，换几个更普通的例子感觉更好。

lillian馨

对了，忘了说开头标的那几个红字了？LZ一定是学金融的吧，开头举的例子都是金融工程相关的，感觉上来就全是这方面的有些唐突和绝对了，换几个更普通的例子感觉更好。

-- by 会员 zhisheng2200 (2012/12/20 22:31:50)

哈哈~~zhizheng好眼力呀。。学金融的呀！刚开始的那例子我再琢磨琢磨换换~~嘿嘿

vanessa923

黄亮精彩，蓝色建议，红色错误哈。
With the quickened（也可以用fast-paced?) development of economy and education, nowadays people are definitely more likely to help others due to both the improved economic ability to lend a hand and the increased level of awareness of assisting others than those, especially young people, thirty years ago. My view can be demonstrated by the following reasons.

To begin with, the better economic situation contributes to the possibility to give the poor a hand. 30 years ago, a large number of young people could not support their families or even satisfy their own daily needs, such as clothes and foods, not to mention to donate their old sweaters or surplus rice to those who were cold or hungry.Whereas(这个词用得很好，我好久都没看到了(in）recent years the averaged incomings of most families are surging, so there is no need to care about several pences if they have the property that is worth of millions of dollars. My father often told me that when he was young he was ready to give his neighbor a piece of bread, which was the food for a whole day of my father, the fear of hunger made his thought fade. However I, as a young girl of modern time, often distribute my old clothes to the kids living in the mountain areas since it does not affect my requirement for daily needs. It is the better economic condition give us the chance to help others.（真的很赞！！！例子也不错！！！）

In addition, the booming level of consciousness to endowment also comes from school education and advocate（advocation） of social media. No one can deny the fact that in the school we learn not only academic knowledge but also the disciplines（这个词用得不太好） to be contributors. So many students are praised because they share their umbrellas with classmates. Similarly, we could always hear a a piece of audio on the bus: if the pregnant , the old , the illness, or the disability are standing next to you, please give your seat to them, thank you. all these activities encourage us to do others a favor as long as we can. However, 30 years ago the whole society seldom amphasized（emphasized） this matter or stimulated（also wierd) this behavior with compliments, leading less motives for people to concern others. Thus with the inspiration from school and the reminding from society the young are more likely to help others.


To sum up, taking into consideration of the increasing prosper(prosperity), the quality education and support of media, we can come to the conclusion that (young)people(today) are more likely to help others.

你写得真不错，角度也分析的不错。受教了。

lillian馨

12.21      To increase economic growth, government can neglect environmental concerns

It is cool to achieve your dream with the fewest efforts, isn’t it?  Similarly, it is exciting to acquire the profits without paying price for what you have caused to the environment, isn’t it? However, When considering the the pursuit of economic growth, I concede that environmental concerns are indispensable issue which may affect the whole population .

To begin with, the surroundings we live in are closely related to the physical conditions of the citizens. It is common sense that the last several years have witnessed the increased pollution of water and air. The kettle in my home has been covered with a coating of sediment, which definitely comes from water contamination. Astoundingly, research shows that 50% of lung diseases correlate with the toxic ashes in the air, which ,to a great extent, lie in the exhaust of manufacturing factories.  What’s more, the toxic in the air can form acid rain, which can erode the soil and the people’s skin. Thus, government shouldn’t ignore the environmental pollutions which have substantial influences on physical conditions.

In addition, one of the significant environmental matters is global warming of the earth, which can exert great pressure on the existence of whole population. Judging from the trend from past several centuries, scientists have concluded that in the next one hundred years, the sea level is likely to arise 20 to 90 centimeters and it is worth of mentioning that 10 centimeters’ rise might devour all the coastal cities on earth. From the visible aspects, it has been three years since I came across a snow in my hometown. And the chances of rainfall have also decreased during the past 5 years. To avoid the havoc of global warming, environmental conservation is the urgent affair.

It is true that we can obtain the highest incomings to satisfy our needs for materials without the consideration of environment, but simultaneously this behavior indeed  result in a terrible living condition and unhealthy bodies, both of which may lower the working efficiency and emotional complaint and in turn deter the process of economic growth. More importantly, compared the existence of lives and strong bodies, prosperous economy pales since the former can easily accomplish the goal of the latter whereas it impossible to afford the invaluable health and recurrence.

To sum up, considering the destructive power, government should never overlook the environmental concerns.

artemisan

修改12.21      To increase economic growth, government can neglect environmental concerns
【红色是我修改部分，亮黄是好词好句，蓝色的我自己也有疑问的地方】
It is cool to achieve your dream with the fewest efforts, isn’t it? Similarly, it is exciting to acquire the profits without paying price for what you have caused to the environment, isn’t it? However, When considering the pursuit of economic growth, I concede that environmental concerns are indispensable issue which may affect the whole population .

To begin with, the surroundings we live in are closely related to the physical conditions of the citizens. （这句话我老读着怪怪的，课时又不知道该怎么改，麻烦高手赐教）It is common sense that the last several years have witnessed the increasing pollution of water and air. 【The kettle in my house has been covered with a coating of sediment, which definitely comes from water contamination.】正常的水煮煮也会留下水垢的吧？这个例子我觉得不妥 Astoundingly, research shows that 50% of lung diseases correlate with the toxic ashes in the air, which ,to a great extent, lie in the exhaust（n.废气） of manufacturing factories.  What’s more（递进）, the toxic air may contribute to acid rain, which would not only erode the soil as well as architectures but also hurt people’s skin. Thus, government shouldn’t ignore the environmental pollution which has substantial influences on physical conditions.

In addition, one of the significant environmental matters is global warming, which has greatly pressured (我认为这里用pressure的动词形式更好)our existence(我猜想你的大概意思是温室效应已经影响到人类的生存了，所以我一开始想用which poses a great threat to our existence,但是觉得可能threat有点过，pressure更好，因此这样改。原来的the existence of whole population 我觉得有点罗嗦了，所以直接这样改了。).Judging from the trend in the past several decades, scientists have concluded that in the next century, (我猜想你觉得前面用了century后面又用重复，所以采用了一个比较罗嗦的方式，但是污染真正是从工业革命开始有了比较大的危害的，所以用decades应该不为过，后面用century也不会重复)the sea level is likely to rise（arise常用于无形的东西，指“上升，出现或发生”等义；rise常用于有形的东西，指“上升，升高”） 20 to 90 centimeters and it is worth of mentioning that 10 centimeters’ rise might devour all the coastal cities on earth. From the visible aspects, it has been three years since I came across a snow in my hometown. And the chances of rainfall have also decreased during the past 5 years. To avoid the havoc（学到了一个新词，=destroy） of global warming, environmental conservation is a urgent affair.

It is true that we can obtain the highest incomings to satisfy our needs for materials without the consideration of environment, but simultaneously（我永远只能在阅读里认识它但不会用在作文里。=at the same time） this behavior indeed(adv.) worsen our living conditions as well as(想不出其他平行词了……) our bodies, both of which may lower the working efficiency and thus in turn hinder(我个人觉得阻碍经济发展用这个要比deter好，也可能是我词汇量不够，不知道deter更适合) the process of economic growth. More importantly, compared the existence of lives and strong bodies, prosperous economy pales since the former can easily accomplish the goal of the latter whereas it impossible to afford the invaluable health and recurrence.

To sum up, effective measures should be taken by the government before things get worse. Environmental protection is a matter that no country can afford to ignore.


【总结：作者写的还是不错的，有些句子还是值得学习的，尤其是词汇，说老实话，这篇文章里面有的词汇我还是查词霸的……不要歧视鄙人的词汇啊】

lillian馨

Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends. a. joing a sports team, b. participate in community activities,  c. traveling


Some people would like to say that sports team serves the best opportunity to make new friends since team members experience defeat and success together. Others may state that participating in community activities can win them friendship because they share the pleasure of assisting community residents. In my opinion, however, it is travel that endows most incentives, including economy and security aspects, which lead people to be mutual friends.

The first incentive correlates with travel expenses. Few can deny the fact that people are willing to spend as less money as possible no matter what they do. Similarly, conditions allowing, they would definitely save their pockets during a tour. And cultivating friendship with other tourists is most direct method. Hotels and airlines often offer a discount for group tourists. The cost of three monuments bought together is substantially cheaper than those purchased separately by three different tourists. At the same time, tourists can pool the same cab to scenery sites. All these occasions are what I came across when I travel to Yunnan, one of the most beautiful province in china, saving me half of my budget I had expected. Thus, lower travel expense pushes people to make friends during travel.


In addition, to ensure the travel security, people are also likely to make friends. It is common sense that if there is a friend who can accompany you during a journey, you tend to be less afraid of money or camera being stolen. You can ask your friends to take care of your baggage when taking a rest. What’s more, a friend can remind you to be careful when you encounter a potential theif. I can’t take a better example than the case of my ancle, who had a travel in Chengdu province as a student. He was so immersed into appreciating his beautiful pictures taken that he did not pay attention to his wallet. A person thought my uncle was just a single traveler, so he attempted to steal his wallet It was the friend my uncle just met on the site that noticed this scene. And finally he avoided the loss.  He said that he chose to make friends to ascertain safety of property when having a trip. Therefore, considering this aspect, it is more possible for people to rely on new friends.


It is true that due to the common success, defeat , or pleasure, people in the sports team and the group of  community activity have the chances to be friends, but travel provides people with the most direct motives to make friends, an advantage that sports team and community activity group could not compete. So travel is the best way to make friends.

starlee

这篇文章我看了下，语言表达上都蛮好的，我很的词汇量太少有些单词还真不认识It is common sense that if you don’t think of others’ opinions they are likely to ignore your thoughts too, leading the whole program to carry out slowly or even halt.      think of 译为“想起”，think about才是“考虑，思考”是否后者更合文意呢？