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[写作小分队]crystal的作文贴,求建议,求进步

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41#
发表于 2012-11-20 21:31:50 | 只看该作者
Currently, people live more dependently on others, especially our friends. In other words, we cannot live in a world without friends. While, considering the criterion of choosing friends, there comes an issue—whether it is important to choose friends that have fun with or choosing friends that will help you when you need them. It is nature that people from different backgrounds might have diverse viewpoints on the same argument. As to (建简明扼要说TO )me, however, just as the saying goes” a friend in need is a friend indeed”, I hold the opinion that a helpful friend is much more appealing.

First and foremost, having fun with a friend is temporary, but helping each other has far-reaching(好词) influence on our life. For instance, I have a lot of contacts of people that I make acquaintance in the party. But the numbers of this kind of friends is so large that it is possible(应该写Impossible吧) for me to make close contacts with them though we have a lot of fun at that time. More typically, we lose our friendship due to some realistic reasons, such as one of us moving to another city. To make my demonstration more comprehensively, I would like to refer to the story of my father, who is a businessman. Once a time, he took me to participate in a party with him. It seemed that all of them were very familiar with each other like friends. But I was surprised to hear that my father could not call up all their names. My father than(小粗心then哦) explained to me that fun is a feeling having nothing to do with relationship with each other. And, to the contrary, the most long-lasting friends are those people who can help the opposite side.(你这个例子是不错,但感觉你能说下对比就好了,比如他们的交流只是建立在金钱上,一到关键时刻,只会袖手旁观,这样的话你的help这点就点中了,会回perfect. )

Moreover, another essential point worth being mentioned is that when people get into trouble, they may be not in the mood to have fun, in which case friends that have fun with cannot play their role. According to a recent published paper, from a well-known psychological professor, reveals that when people fall into a trouble, they would like to assume physical pain in order to ease their psychological depression. As a result, having fun will not only solve problems for them but also making (你这个not only 前后动词不对称)them more depressed after the fun. However, the presence of a helpful friend is another thing, (加个and )they will drag us out of the trouble.(这个例子吧~ 感觉内容是好,而且很新颖,BUT BUT BUT 阿, 你后面说啥心理压力问题阿,跟你说的主题句貌似擦肩而过哦~)

In addition, those friends that we have fun with are usually those people who either are not willing to offer help or have no ability to help us. From common sense and the experience from my daily life, I once experienced a robbery and lost all the possessions. Helplessly, I asked my acquaintances for help, in the end none of those I usually have fun with offered me a hand. I was moved that the one that I never regarded as a friend eventually helped me. And after that, we became best friends and began to know well with each other.(这个例子不好~而且前后不搭调了点点~首句说的是他们没能力帮助,我以为说他们也不会在你成功路上有所贡献,你后面却说一个不熟的帮了你,感觉逻辑关系不好~)

To sum up, choosing friends have many intends. As for me, I cannot emphasize the importance of choosing friends that are willing to help us when we face a problem. (结尾草率了哦)

LZ的语言功底还是不错的. 内容再衔接好的话是很不错的文章~
42#
发表于 2012-11-21 13:40:41 | 只看该作者
亲, 我今天晚上10:30回来帮你改写作文OK么,我的也只有那个时候上传了,因为待会去教室没得网~我今晚一定帮你改完,我的你第二天前改完都OK.

抱歉~~~
43#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-11-21 16:29:55 | 只看该作者
没问题
44#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-11-21 16:32:20 | 只看该作者

11.20独立 老师应该花更多时间做研究还是教课?

Asked what professors will do to become recognized, the responses in universities have a boilerplate answer: the greatest contribution from researches will be to keep entire society appreciating their knowledge. I, given the chance, also prefer to endorse that researchers should have primary consideration.

First and foremost, further evidence of researches’ potential comes from the benefits they generate in our world. Several years ago, cancer cannot be cured due to lack of technology in the medical field. Thanks to the medical researches these years, a person needn’t to be anxious or depressed after hearing being attacked by cancers. Also, recently professor Wang from Peking University made a significant discovery about Aids. His paper reveals that it is possible the aids could be treated within ten years in the near future. If what he predicts is true, patients who suffer from the Aids will not die. This is undisputable a piece of surprising news to our world. However, were not devoted himself into his research, Wang would not have this discovery so early in his lifetime, as a result postponing the contribution to our world.
Moreover, another essential point worth being mentioned is that researches done by professors benefits students a lot. On the one hand, professors may introduce what their research findings to the class. These findings are more up-to-date knowledge, which will arouse students’ interests to a large extent. On the other hand, beside direct benefits, there is an indirect one as well. As we know, the professors’ researches contribute to the reputation of schools students study in. We cannot neglect the fact that big titles of schools do play an important role in their students’ careers. The higher reputation the schools have, the more easily the students will hunt a job after graduation.

In addition, fame and high-pay earned by doing research are also motivation for professors to move on. To make my demonstration more comprehensively, I would like to refer to professors in our school. Giving lectures is regarded as their responsibility. No matter how well they teach in the classes, we cannot attribute the students’ outstanding performances to lessons they attend. Because the outcome is affected by too many factors, among which students’ own talents and efforts cannot distinguished from it. More commonly, the professors’ pay and fame are valued more based on their researches. The more papers they published, the higher pay and fame they will obtain, driving them to be more devoted to academic.

After ruminating over all these factors, it is more advantageous for us to make decision alone. As far as I am concerned, I come to the notion that professors should dedicate themselves more into doing researches.
45#
发表于 2012-11-21 23:39:38 | 只看该作者
抱歉来晚了~~
Asked what professors will do to become recognized,(你第一句看着很别扭,木懂你的意思~~) the responses in universities have a boilerplate (这词不错)answer: the greatest contribution from researches will be to keep entire society appreciating their knowledge. I, given the chance, also prefer to endorse(词汇亮点) that researchers should have primary consideration.(你后面这个从句感觉不完整,你要换种表达~)

First and foremost, further evidence of researches’ potential comes from the benefits they generate in our world.(第一眼看完,好纠结的表达方式,potential 觉得没必要出现了.) Several years ago, cancer cannot be cured due to lack of technology in the medical field. Thanks to the medical researches these years, a person needn’t to be anxious or depressed after hearing being attacked by cancers. Also, recently professor Wang from Peking University made a significant discovery about Aids. His paper reveals that it is possible the aids could be treated within ten years in the near future. If what he predicts is true, patients who suffer from the Aids will not die. This is undisputable(亮点) a piece of surprising news to our world. However, were not devoted himself into his research, Wang would not have this discovery so early in his lifetime, as a result postponing the contribution to our world.

Moreover, another essential point worth being mentioned is that researches done by professors benefits students a lot. On the one hand(固定搭配,删掉the ), professors may introduce what their research findings to the class. These findings are more up-to-date knowledge, which will arouse students’ interests to a large extent. On the other hand, beside direct benefits, there is an indirect one as well. As we know, the professors’ researches contribute to the reputation of schools students study in. We cannot neglect the fact that big titles of schools do play an important role in their students’ careers. The higher reputation the schools have, the more easily the students will hunt a job after graduation.

In addition, fame and high-pay earned by doing research are also motivation for professors to move on. To make my demonstration more comprehensively, I would like to refer to professors in our school. Giving lectures is regarded as their responsibility. No matter how well they teach in the classes, we cannot attribute the students’ outstanding performances to lessons they attend. Because the outcome is affected by too many factors, among which students’ own talents and efforts cannot distinguished from it. More commonly, the professors’ pay and fame are valued more based on their researches. The more papers they published, the higher pay and fame they will obtain, driving them to be more devoted to academic.
(建议你这几个理由换下位置,你这个可以放到第一去~ 因为你第一个感觉范围宽些)
After ruminating (亮点词汇)over all these factors, it is more advantageous for us to make decision alone. As far as I am concerned, I come to the notion that professors should dedicate themselves more into doing researches.
看得出你的语言文字不错,功底扎实~
Excellent !







The reading passage casts light on three ways to address the decline of Torreya. The professor in the lecture covers the same topic, however, with a totally opposite attitude that all these three ways will not provide us with satisfactory solution. The professor also utilizes three distinctive points to justify his viewpoints.

To begin with, the professor refuses the idea of the reading that we can reestablish Torreya in the same location in which it thrived for thousands of years. On the contrary, the professor contends that reestablishing Torreya in the location cannot make effects. To be specific, the professor claims that on the one hand, the global warming has caused the overall temperature to rise. As a result the microclimate will never be a favorable habitat for Torreya. On the other hand, the professor points out that wet land there was drained and becomes drier already, not suitable for Torreya to grow any longer. Evidently, the professor’s idea is incompatible with that of the reading.

Moreover, as well defined as it seems in the reading that moving Torreya to an entirely different location is another option. (你这个表达~~~有点混乱,糅杂,简化成:About another option in the reading that…)The professor challenges this final down once again, and he asserts that a kind of tree called Black locust spreads quickly after being moved to a new area and causes a lot endangered trees to die. Clearly, taking the unpredicted outcome into consideration, the professor doubts the correctness of the point in the reading passage.

In addition, the reading passage points out that preserving Torreya in research centers may be a possible choice for us. The professor's statement contradicts with this point. According to the professor, in the research center, Torreya will not be able to resist disease because the research center has not the large enough capacity to ensure the genetically diversity(看了你的,我貌似应该听错了,呵呵) of Torreya. Apparently, the credibility of the conception in the reading begins to shrink when thinking about the limitation of a research center.

To sum up, the professor precisely discerns the drawbacks of the reading and convincingly reveals that the fundamental arguments in the reading needs to be reexamined with close scrutiny.

综合GOOD 不错哟~我看来还是明天得重听第三点.
46#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-11-24 21:26:18 | 只看该作者

11.24 综合,TPO14

The reading passage casts light on the benefits of salvage logging. The professor covers the same topic, however, with a totally opposite attitude that though salvage logging may have short-term benefits, it has more serious long-term damage. Likewise, the professor utilizes three diverse points to justify his own perspective.



To begin with, the professor refuses the idea in the reading that forests are chocked with dead trees. On the contrary, the professor contends that cutting down all the dead trees not necessary provides better condition for live, healthy trees. To be specific, the decomposition of the dead trees provides nutrition for the live trees. So removing the dead trees can affect the nutrition of live, health trees. Clearly, the professor's idea is incompatible with the reading.



Furthermore, as well defined as the points made in the reading, the professor's statement contradicts with the reading. He asserts that on one hand, the spruce barks do not cause many damages without cutting down the dead trees before, and on the other hand, decaying wood provides habitat not only for harmful insects, but also offer the suitable habitat for birds and other insets. Having taken into the long-term effects, the professor argues that the advantages of dead trees overweigh the disadvantages. Clearly, the credibility of the reading begins to shrink then.



In addition, the reading passage also points out that salvage logging has economic benefits. The professor once again challenges the final down by arguing that the benefits are temporary. Because the transportation fees using the vehicles like helicopters are very high and the jobs it creates usually benefits the experienced employees in the other areas, not the local people. Evidently, the professor doubts the correctness of the point in the reading.



To sum up, the professor precisely discerns the drawbacks in the reading and suggests the fundamental reasons and evidences in the reading needs to be reexamined with scrutiny.
47#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-11-25 19:03:44 | 只看该作者

11.25 TP013 综合

The reading passage casts light on the negative effects of private ownership of rare and important fossils. The professor covers the same topic, however, with a totally opposite attitude that the benefits of this phenomenon overweigh the disadvantages. Likewise, the professor also utilizes three distinctive points to justify his perspective.

First and foremost, the professor refuses that idea in the reading that the public suffers because of less exposion to these fossils. On the contrary, the professor asserts that private ownership of these fossils make it possible for some level public institutions like public schools to own them and show them to the public. Cleary, the professor's idea is incompatible with that of the reading.

Furthermore, as well defined as the points in the reading that scientists are likely to lose access to some of the most important fossils and thereby miss out on potentially crucial discoveries about extinct life forms. The professor challenges the final down by arguing that before the private owners decide to buy fossils, they will pass them on to the hands of scientists to test the value of them. Instead fewer chances to touch these fossils, the scientists can have the priority and chances to see them. The professor's statement doubts the correctness of the point in the reading.

In addition, the reading also states that commercial fossil collectors often destroy valuable scientific evidence associated with the fossils they unearth because of the limited knowledge concerning fossils. However, the professor's point once again contradicts with the reading'. He contends that comparing with the bad effects of keeping a lot of fossils unearthed and unknown to our world, such damage is not worth mention. Evidently, the credibility of the point in the reading begins to shrink.

To sum up, the professor discerns the drawbacks of the points in the reading and convincingly reveals that the fundamental arguments in the reading need to be reexamined with close scrutiny.
48#
 楼主| 发表于 2012-11-25 19:51:10 | 只看该作者

11.24 独立

Perhaps on issue in this world is as significant to friends as honesty. Despite various responses people may have on the topic concerning the issue regarding whether it is possible to completely honest their friends. I, given the chance, prefer to endorse that completely honest should have been take primary consideration when making and keeping a friend.

First and foremost, every person hates to be cheated in all cases. Maybe someone may concerns that white lies are necessary in special conditions. However, I hold the opposite view with that perspective. To be specific, my grandfather causes a cancer last year. All our family members decided to hide the truth, only telling him that he could recover soon. Just as I expected, my grandfather knew very well about his body condition and became more anxious and depressed about our responses. I believe, all people have the right to know all related to themselves, including bad news.

Furthermore, another point worth being mentioned in that telling lies may become a practice, if not being prevented at the early stage. According to a psychology research conducted by professor Wang in Peking University reveals that people are unwilling to mend the drawbacks of themselves until they receive the idea they are really wrong, or they will reject to make a change. My friend Tom is an exact example, he always tell lies to the classmates, such as our professor will cancel the class this afternoon or the library will close tomorrow, etc. Since nobody bothered to criticize him, he now regards telling lies as interest, let alone corrects the bad habit.

In addition, completely honest is also essential to friends who are in the same workplaces with you, even though the truth is contradicted with your boss’s. Never imaging that keeping silent will bring you promotion, rather causes a big loss to your company and you and your friends to be fired. When it comes to this, I would like to refer to an experience of myself. When I interned for a phone company, a college of mind found a big bug in a new product that was waiting to be marketed. He hesitated to report his finding to the company. As a result, this bug causes the whole company to collapse and all the employees to lose their jobs.

After ruminating over all the three reasons, it is great advantageous for us to make a decision alone. As far as I am concerned, I would like to not that friends are likely to keep entirely honest to their friends and I value the completely honesty as the most important factor to evaluate a person.
49#
发表于 2012-11-25 22:16:20 | 只看该作者
The reading passage casts light on the benefits of salvage logging. The professor covers the same topic, however, with a totally opposite attitude that though salvage logging may have short-term benefits, it has more serious long-term damage. Likewise, the professor utilizes three diverse points to justify his own perspective.


To begin with, the professor refuses(refutes会不会更好一点?仅供参考) the idea in the reading that forests are chocked with dead trees. On the contrary, the professor contends that cutting down all the dead trees (缺词,is 或者does)not necessary provides better condition for live, healthy trees. To be specific, the decomposition of the dead trees provides nutrition for the live trees. So removing the dead trees can affect the nutrition of live, health trees. Clearly, the professor's idea is incompatible with the reading.


Furthermore, as well defined as the points made in the reading, the professor's statement contradicts with the reading. He(She?我听的是女版的)asserts that on one hand, the spruce barks do not cause many damages without cutting down the dead trees before, and on the other hand, decaying wood provides habitat not only for harmful insects, but also offer(s) the suitable habitat for birds and other insets.(这句有点长,可以分开成两句) Having taken into the long-term effects, the professor argues that the advantages of dead trees overweigh the disadvantages. Clearly, the credibility of the reading begins to shrink then.


In addition, the reading passage also points out that salvage logging has economic benefits. The professor once again challenges the final down by arguing that the benefits are temporary. Because the transportation fees using(直接用of吧) the vehicles like helicopters are very high(fee一般用expensive?cost用high) and the jobs it creates usually benefits the experienced employees in the other areas, not the local people. Evidently, the professor doubts the correctness of the point in the reading.


To sum up, the professor precisely discerns the drawbacks in the reading and suggests the fundamental reasons and evidences in the reading needs to be reexamined with scrutiny.

1.听得很全
2.模板很强大,但是痕迹有点明显,稍微修改一下?
拙见见谅


50#
发表于 2012-11-25 22:36:05 | 只看该作者
Perhaps on issue in this world is as significant to friends as honesty. Despite various responses people may have on the topic concerning the issue regarding whether it is possible to completely honest their friends. I, given the chance, prefer to endorse that completely honest should have been take primary consideration when making and keeping a friend.

First and foremost, every person hates to be cheated in all cases. Maybe someone may concerns that white lies are necessary in special conditions. However, I hold the opposite view with that perspective.(这句观点表达的不错,结合下面的例子非常convincing) To be specific, my grandfather causes a cancer last year. All our family members decided to hide the truth, only telling him that he could recover soon. Just as I expected, my grandfather knew very well about his body condition and became more anxious and depressed about our responses. I believe, all people have the right to know all related to themselves, including bad news. (这个例子好)

Furthermore, another point worth being mentioned in that telling lies may become a practice, if not being prevented at the early stage. According to a psychology research conducted by professor Wang in Peking University reveals that(有according就可以omit掉了哈) people are unwilling to mend(amend the drawbacks of themselves until they receive the idea they are really wrong, or they will reject to make a change. My friend Tom is an exact example, he always tell lies to the classmates, such as our professor will cancel the class this afternoon or the library will close tomorrow, etc. Since nobody bothered to criticize him, he now regards telling lies as interest, let alone corrects the bad habit.

In addition, completely honest(adj作主语了) is also essential to friends who are in the same workplaces with you, even though the truth is contradicted with your boss’s. Never imaging that keeping silent will bring you promotion, rather causes a big loss to your company and you and your friends to be fired. When it comes to this, I would like to refer to an experience of myself. When I interned for a phone company, a college of mind(mine?) found a big bug in a new product that was waiting to be marketed. He hesitated to report his finding to the company. As a result, this bug causes the whole company to collapse and all the employees to lose their jobs.

After ruminating over all the three reasons, it is great advantageous for us to make a decision alone. As far as I am concerned, I would like to not(?) that friends are likely to keep entirely honest to their friends and I value the completely honesty as the most important factor to evaluate a person.


 我们大概用一个模板。你的points develop的很好,一些句子再refine一下就更完美了。很有启发~谢谢!
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