[写作小分队]crystal的作文贴，求建议，求进步

ningjie111

11.3独立

Nowadays, to be a university professor isthe popular career of the intellectual, both respected and well-paid. When it comes to the criteria tojudge a university professor, people’s views diverge. Someone arguesthat the main role of a university professor is to educate students rather thanto do research. But others have opposite view on this. In my perspective,professors are supposed to give priority to doing research.

First of all, the research could have greatimportance in the real world and could one day lead to real breakthroughs, likediscovering a new method to cure cancer. This research could make a difference (to) our world. It, therefore, seems fair that aprofessor should spend more time doing research than giving lectures tostudents.

Moreover, if a professor’s research wassuccessful it could benefit the university and the students in two ways. On theone hand, the university would be able to receive grants and funding(fund) tocontinue with further research. This money would help the university improvetheir research facilities, which(which的指代有就近原则指代facilitates)would benefit the students who use these facilities. On the other hand,recognition of the research would improve the reputation and standing of theuniversity, which（同上） issomething that would also benefit the students who studied there byassociation.

Additionally, a professor who continues todo research is more likely to keep up with recentdevelopment and forefront of the field, making him or her more a knowledgeable teacherand more likely to be an enthusiastic teacher, willing to share new discoverieswith students. （这个句子有点奇怪。如果是三个分句并列应该ismore to do…., do…, and do….. 建议改成is more likely to keepup with recent development and forefront of the field and make him or her morea knowledgeable and enthusiastic teacher who is willing to share newdiscoveries with students）

To sum up, researches not only benefit theteachers themselves, but also bring much more advantages to students,university and even the whole world. It should, therefore, be given precedence over teaching, which does notmean that professors could neglect their duties to their student, but focusmore on their researches.
先改一篇独立。。。语言表达不错哦！赞一个先！不过字数有点少只有390个词。。。独立最好能写到450以上。例子不够，显得文章有点苍白。有些时候不是很有把握的长难句尽量不要用。蓝色有疑问，红色修改及建议，高亮是好句！

ningjie111

（这个句子有点奇怪。如果是三个分句并列应该ismore to do…., do…, and do….. 建议改成is more likely to keepup with recent development and forefront of the field and make him or her morea knowledgeable and enthusiastic teacher who is willing to share newdiscoveries with students）

这句没有盖好 建议：is more likely to keep up with recent development and forefront of the field and make him or her a more knowledgeable and enthusiastic teacher who is willing to share newdiscoveries with students.

SophieS123

11.14 独立
Nowadays, burden from work, study or livingalways creates too much pressure, and we need a chance to escape from thereality(有这个词吗）. Usually, some people would like to choose to take a vacation, going tosome places with beautiful sceneries to relax themselves, or some people liketo go some popular places to eat some delicious food. However, I prefer tospend my vocation with my good friends wherever we go.
To begin with, staying with our friendsduring vocation can enhance our friendship. Since in daily life, we are toobusy to spare a period of time to communicate our recent doubts and thoughts withour friends. Vacation is a good chance for us to make a close contact with ourfriends. For example, last summer vocation, a friend of mine from my hometowncame to Beijing, spending the whole vacation with me. Because that summer wastoo hot, we did not go to any tourist attractions, but only stayed near myschool. As students, we cannot afford to a lot of expensive food or hotels. Instead,she lived in my dorm. Every night, we talked about everything happened in ourlife after we came to university, just like five years ago. It seemed that thoughtime passed, our friendship had not change. After the vacation, she told me,this vacation was her most unforgettable one.
Furthermore, a vacation with friends canhelp us to build（感觉别扭） an unforgettable memory. I had trips to many places. However, Icannot remember most of those when I tripped alone, but I cannot forget anytrips I went with my friends. My memory is very clear about where we go, whatwe talk at which time and even how happy we were at that time. Those experiencesare our shared memory（感觉不太恰当）. It is those memories that constitute our happy life.
In addition, when we go to some unfamiliar placesfor vacation, we may encounter some emergencies, and at that time, a friendaside is very helpful. Once a time, I went camping in a small mountain.Unfortunately, we were caught with a snow for three days. Our planning wasdestroyed and even consumed all the food we took there. What was worse, wecould not make connect with our families. At that time, I was very frustrated.Thanks to my friend, Candy, she encouraged me all the time and we hugged togetherto warm each other and thought all the ways to protect ourselves. Luckily, thesnow stopped and we hold each other up and struggle down the mountain. Withoutmy friends, I may be freezing helplessly on the mountain.
To sum up, considering the safety, friendshipenhancement and unforgettable memory go vacationing with our friends can bringsto us, food or good vacation is negligible.
结构清晰 语言简单易懂 观点不错，呈现出一边倒的趋势， 个别有一点小语法错误

Crystal的秋天

When people chase happiness, people think of different ways, including having a high-pay job, having some social life, or going trip to relax them. As far as I am concerned, a job is the fundamental source of happiness.

First of all, a job satisfies people's basic living requirement, without which, there won't be happiness. And at the same time a high-pay job usually improves the quality of people's living condition. When food or houses are not accessible for a person, she or he must live in fear, worrying about tomorrow's living. During the financial crisis, a lot of people lost their jobs. And at that time they were very depressed, anxious about their living cost and their children's education fees. That's way so many people eager to find a job, even though the job could not compete with their previous one.

In addition, many people obtain happiness from the sense of achievement, which they could get from a job. Just like those workaholics, they work hard not only because the money earned from a job, but also the self-satisfaction they could achieve in the job. When applying what they learned in schools to the practical work, completing a difficult project by themselves, making a big success and profits for their companies, they won the applaud from others and the self-confidence in the meanwhile.

Finally, without a job, we are too embarrassed to have some social life, such as friends' get-together. For example, when I went to have a party with my classmates, some of them usually did not present in the party. At first, I am very confused about the phenomenon. However, it was so surprising that last summer vacation, a classmate of mine came to the annual party. When we asked him why he never came in the previous parties, he told us that he was embarrassed that he was in the bottom of his career those years. And at that time, he refused to see anyone and surrounded by a feeling of failure, though he missed us very much.

To sum up, a job is of great importance for us to obtain happiness. Without which, our living demand cannot be met, our psychological condition cannot be satisfies, and sometimes even social life may become impossible for us.

ningjie111

11.3 综合 TPO23

The reading passage casts lights on threepossible reasons for the declining of yellow cedar. The professor's lecturecovers the same topic, however, with a totally opposite attitude that all thethree reasons in the reading passage is not convincing. Likewise, the professoralso utilizes three distinctive points to justify his perspective.

To begin with, the professor refuses theidea in the reading passage that the cedar bark beetles cause the decline ofyellow cedar. On the contrary, he asserts that yellow cedars are more resistantthan other tress to the attack of insect parasites. To be specific, theprofessor's claim is grounded on a characteristic of yellow cedar, which meansthat there is a kind of chemical which are poisonous to insects. Apparently, professor'sidea is incompatible with that in the reading.

Moreover, as well defined as it sounds inthe reading that the decline of yellow cedar population attributes to brownbears, the professor's statement once again contradicts with the passage. Theprofessor contends that bear cannot be the reason and provided with the evidencethat no matter whether there are bears or not, the yellow cedar populations(thepopulation of the yellow cedar) declined similarly in mainland and island.

Additionally,the professor points out that the changes of climate are also not to blame.Because, if the freezing damages the population, then the yellow cedar shouldbe damaged more in high cold area, however, it is not the fact. The lower andwarmer area's populations (建议改成the population ofcedars in lower and warm area)are damaged moreseriously. The professor doubts the correctness of the points made in thereading.

In conclusion, the professor preciselydiscerns the drawbacks of the reading passage and convincingly reveals that thefundamental argument in the passage should be reexamined with close security.
综合写的很好哦，基本没什么要改的。

浅吟天

When people chase happiness, people think of different ways, including having a high-pay job, having some social life, or going trip to relax them(themselves好些). As far as I am concerned, a job is the fundamental source of happiness.

First of all, a job satisfies people's basic living requirement, without which, there won't be happiness. And at the same time a high-pay job usually improves the quality of people's living condition. When food or houses are not accessible for a person, she or he must live in fear, worrying about tomorrow's living. During the financial crisis, a lot of people lost their jobs. And at that time （其实这里有一个递进关系的，失了工作所以忧郁，前面也用过这个词组了，换成thus，as a result这类的把）they were very depressed, anxious about their living cost and their children's education fees. That's way so many people eager to find a job, even though the job could not compete with their previous one.（这段讲了两点，一满足生活需要，二提高生活质量。但后面的失业的例子我觉得更适合第一点。同时，这只说明了the importance of the job， no relation to the happiness！！后面还应该扯一些，来点题）

In addition, many people obtain happiness from the sense of achievement, which they could get from a job. Just like those workaholics, they work hard not only because嫁一个 of the money earned from a job, but also 并列because of the self-satisfaction they could achieve in the job. When applying what they learned in schools to the practical work, completing a difficult project by themselves(自己和自己竞争？没看懂), making a big success and profits（前面的a管不到这个profit，去掉把） for their companies, they won the applaud from others and the self-confidence in the meanwhile. （个人觉得最后一句有点奇怪，但我不确定怎么改native, 我改成they won the applaud from…by applying….这样不会特别头重脚轻，看前面看了好久没找到想说的。不过还是不好，doing并列的太多了）

Finally, without a job, we are too embarrassed to have some social life, such as friends' get-together（这是个短语吗？我确定一下，然后记下来）. For example, when I went to have a party with my classmates, some of them usually did not present in the party. At first, I am very confused about the phenomenon. However, it was so surprising that last summer vacation, a classmate of mine came to the annual party. When we asked him why he never came in the previous parties, he told us that he was embarrassed that he was in the bottom of his career those years. And at that time, he refused to see anyone and surrounded（嗯 我觉得这两个不并列。改成because he was surrounded by a…） by a feeling of failure, though he missed us very much.(这个列子不是特别恰当 放着这里。它说明了工作是社交的基础，但没说工作比社交快乐)

To sum up, a job is of great importance for us to obtain happiness. Without which, our living demand cannot be met, our psychological condition cannot be satisfies, and sometimes even social life may become impossible for us.
（看了结尾，我彻底茫然了，马上去看题目要求，your job has greater happiness than your social life.要求我们比较两者谁快乐。不是两者谁是获得快乐的基础。 Btw,按你的理解，这个结尾是很不错的，扣题+精炼概括前面每段了，这个我还做的不好）

加油！

浅吟天

黄色 好的， 红色 有问题的， 绿色 评论
When people chase happiness, people think of different ways, including having a high-pay job, having some social life, or going trip to relax them(themselves好些). As far as I am concerned, a job is the fundamental source of happiness.

First of all, a job satisfies people's basic living requirement, without which, there won't be happiness. And at the same time a high-pay job usually improves the quality of people's living condition. When food or houses are not accessible for a person, she or he must live in fear, worrying about tomorrow's living. During the financial crisis, a lot of people lost their jobs. And at that time （其实这里有一个递进关系的，失了工作所以忧郁，前面也用过这个词组了，换成thus，as a result这类的把）they were very depressed, anxious about their living cost and their children's education fees. That's way so many people eager to find a job, even though the job could not compete with their previous one.（这段讲了两点，一满足生活需要，二提高生活质量。但后面的失业的例子我觉得更适合第一点。同时，这只说明了the importance of the job，no relation to the happiness！！后面还应该扯一些，来点题）

In addition, many people obtain happiness from the sense of achievement, which they could get from a job. Just like those workaholics, they work hard not only because嫁一个 of the money earned from a job, but also 并列because of the self-satisfaction they could achieve in the job. When applying what they learned in schools to the practical work, completing a difficult project by themselves(自己和自己竞争？没看懂), making a big success and profits（前面的a管不到这个profit，去掉把） for their companies, they won the applaud from others and the self-confidence in the meanwhile. （个人觉得最后一句有点奇怪，但我不确定怎么改native, 我改成they won the applaud from…by applying….这样不会特别头重脚轻，看前面看了好久没找到想说的。不过还是不好，doing并列的太多了）

Finally, without a job, we are too embarrassed to have some social life, such as friends' get-together（这是个短语吗？我确定一下，然后记下来）. For example, when I went to have a party with my classmates, some of them usually did not present in the party. At first, I am very confused about the phenomenon. However, it was so surprising that last summer vacation, a classmate of mine came to the annual party. When we asked him why he never came in the previous parties, he told us that he was embarrassed that he was in the bottom of his career those years. And at that time, he refused to see anyone and surrounded（嗯我觉得这两个不并列。改成because he was surrounded by a…） by a feeling of failure, though he missed us very much.(这个列子不是特别恰当放着这里。它说明了工作是社交的基础，但没说工作比社交快乐)

To sum up, a job is of great importance for us to obtain happiness. Without which, our living demand cannot be met, our psychological condition cannot be satisfies, and sometimes even social life may become impossible for us.

（看了结尾，我彻底茫然了，马上去看题目要求，your job has greater happiness than your social life.要求我们比较两者谁快乐。不是两者谁是获得快乐的基础。Btw,按你的理解，这个结尾是很不错的，扣题+精炼概括前面每段了，这个我还做的不好）



加油！

浅吟天

"但我我对题目的理解是，“是工作还是social life 可以给我们快乐？” 总觉得，have happiness怪怪的，不过我不知道我的理解对不对啊 "

我和你的理解一样的~~~不过我觉得可以更扣题一点~~看看别人写的把，我觉得写的挺好的

Crystal的秋天

The reading passage is suspicious about theroles of buzzers. The man covers the same topic in the lecture, however, with atotally opposite attitude that buzzers are not misleading customers to buyproducts. Likewise, the man also utilizes three distinctive points to justifyhis perspective.

To begin with, the man refuses the idea in thereading that buzzers are those people who have motive for misleading thecustomers. On the contrary, he asserts that though buzzers are paid by thecompany, they are truly products users. To be specific, the man claims that hewas hired by a phone company to say something about the phone he bought justbecause the he really found it is very good. Apparently, the man’s idea isincompatible with that in the reading.


Moreover, as well defined as it sounds, the readingargues that customers are easily cheated by buzzers. The man’s statement onceagain contradicts with the passage. The man contends that it is stupid to thinkso and provided with the evidence that the customers usually asked him a lot ofquestions about the price and service about the products and how long he hadused this product when he was a buzzer. If he cannot answer the questions, thecustomers would not believe him and buy the product.

Additionally, the passage points out that, peoplewill be less trustful of social relationship as the consequence of this kind ofmarketing method. The man challenges this conclusion by arguing that one theone hand, the company does not necessary to hire buzzers if their products arevery bad, and one the other hand buzzers can share their feeling about using aproduct to customers. Each person will have a feeling about a product and ifthey agree with the points of buzzers, people will become more trustful andeven more open in our world.


In conclusion, the man precisely discern s thedrawbacks of the reading passage and convincingly reveals that the fundamentalargument in the reading should be reexamined.

Crystal的秋天

Due to the problem of overpopulation, therecomes up a new way of work—working at homeinstead of working in the company. However, not all people are willing to acceptit. Some people concern about the loss of efficiency of employees, while some worryabout the sense of cooperation pales then. As far as I am concerned, there isof little necessity for the anxiety.   Moreover,it brings us more advantages as follows.

To begin with, working at home improves ourenvironment by relieving the congestion of public transportation and cuttingdown the emission of greenhouse gases. When people are allowed to work at home,there is no need for so many people to pour into the streets, subways and buses.As a result, the phenomenon of crowed transportations will be relieved.Besides, the consumption of cars will decrease, which are helpful to reduce thedischarge of greenhouse gases and improve our environment in the end.

Furthermore, transportation costs take up alarge part of people’s living expenses, so working at home means that peoplecould save the transportation costs and then make better use of their income. Ionce did an internship in a company which is one hour way away from our school.Every day, I need to catch a bus first and then transfer to a subway back andforce, paying ten RMB for it. Though it seems not much, for an intern’s pay itis not the same thing. On the contrary, if I can work at home, I need not topay for it but can complete my task at the same time.

In addition, it not only will not decreaseefficiency of employees as some people expected, but also lead to efficiencyadvance. According to a famous research conducted by some professors in ourcountry, a small break in the noon can refresh the employees’ state of mental,leading to a 10 percent increase in their working efficiency. When people workin the company, it is not possible for people to have a break, either because ofuncomfortable environment in the company or because of the anxiety about thecriticism from employers. While, working at home cannot cause these worry.

To sum up, working at home not onlycontributes to the efficiency and living quality of employees, but also benefitsour whole society. There is no reason for us to keep it from become a modernway of working.