beiyezi 的作文贴，虚心求教~~~谢谢~

beiyezi

对啊，我看错了啊，我还以为我改你的，我等啊等，就是没看见你的作文~~

tracyn

综合是我给你改，不过，你的那个综合的作文好像发错了呢，好像不是TPO8的综合吗？？？这没办法改呢~~
你再看看~~

beiyezi

好， 我下午补上~~

beiyezi

9月5日
In order to solve the problems of the present and the future, people should review the past.





Should people look back on the history to figure some problems of present and future out? In a sense, it might be tempting to agree with the idea, based on some of the difficulties we are facing now might similar to some situations before and we can use the solutions to deal with them. However, a far more compelling argument can be made that, except for familiar matters such as curing flu or fever, there are also unfamiliar situations out there which people can not solve by reviewing past nowadays.

Admittedly, there are innumerable events happened that even can draw back to the birth of the university. Some of them are useful. Consider the development of medicine, which plays a crucial role in society and their solutions determine our future destiny. In the spring of 2003, almost one thousand people killed by SARS amount 13 countries in the world. And finally people controlled the diseases and the medicine will definitely useful if SARS comes again in the future. Accordingly, several records of history provide a lot of advises that help us react fast and make cogent decisions to solve these problems.          

Nevertheless, current issues and anticipated events occur in a different time even compared with just past few decades. The changes of society are so dramatic that some of experiences become helpless and might be even misleading. For example, global environmental problem is a major concern into future. Gradual water pollution, continuous global warming, and faster species extinction will ultimately harm human beings fundamentally in the future or merely the near future to some extent. On the one hand, governments need to act immediately to stop the destruction activities of human. But, on the other hand, with the increasing population, governments can not afford to close hundreds of industries which would cause more people unemployed. This hard place has never happened or has never been this severe. People are dealing this without experiences.  

In sum, events that happened might help people today to solve problems that is going on or will take place. But not all of the problems can be deal by this way because of the different backgrounds.

beiyezi

The reading passage and the lecturer aredebating about the accuracy of the Chevalier's memoir. And the professor emphasizesthe accuracy of the memoir by propose three evidences to against the critics.

Firstly, the professor mentions that theloan implies Chevalier used to borrow from others dose not means that he waslying about his poverty. Because he usually spent a lot of money on the partiesand gambling but it took a few days to convert his money into cash. So when Chevalierruns out of cash, he might turn to borrowed money.

Secondly, speaker explains why Chevaliercould remember things happened years ago accurately because he took notes overthe years that can helped him remind things. And also the content of theconversation that occurred is verified by one of his friend.


Third, the lecturer points out that someprisoners with more powerful friends could not even get them out of the prison.So it is impossible for Chevalier came out the prison by his jailers. And arecord shows that one old cell's ceiling in the prison had been repaired beforewhich confirm the truth of he coming out of prison from the hole of the cell hemade by himself using a tool.

ykhjy

9.4 独立 修改  蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 紫色批注建议
agree/disagree：an efficient leader will alwaystry to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making

When I watch the classic American comedy ’Friends’, I [am] impressed by  Monica, a character who [is] craving on controlling everything in her life especially people, and she ultimately fails to be a leader she wants to be. For instance, when she was the head shelf of the restaurant, she yelled and yelled but not people listened to her. Clearly,she made mistakes by deciding the jobs on her own and did not consider other people. Thus, it is a proven fact that making everyone joins the process of decisions making is one of the keys to be a successful leader.


Firstly, the progress of a company is based on workers' doing their job with good mind state. Once people feel he or she is[does]not belongs to the team, the destruction of the whole group begins. And letting members of groups thinking about the ideas together with supervisors is the solution. I can think of no better illustration of this point than the prevailing books ’HarryPotter’. One of the reasons why you know who [would be] being defeated is because he is[was] so personal that he never shared his [plan about the] next action with subjects and just ordered other people around by violence. Apparently, a group managed by force or violence is vulnerable no matter how strong the army is. On the contrary, Harry and his friends planed everything together and acted as an unbreakable team.

Secondly, the phrase ‘every one of the groups’ dose not means that every single one bellows [你是想表达低于一等么，可以用 be inferior to] the head of the group. You never see a president discussing issues with all people in a nation. Just with governors.[这不能成为一句话，主语和谓语都没有。要表达完整。比如说：you can only witness that the president makes negotiations with his or her governors.] Further more, with the increasingly compartmentalized of an organization [语法不对，你可以说 nowadays as an organization is increasingly compartmentalized]; every decision maker [总觉得很奇怪，不要太中式了，避免语法错误，保险起见，啰嗦点也比语法错误好] has their [要与前面的 maker 相对应，应该用his or her] own range of power and limited numbers of people to manage. Thus, it is reasonable for a chieftain to make sure (that) nobody being [would要注意这里是一个从句，也就是说这里也是个句子，要有谓语。] left[leave].

Finally, the efficiency is no[not] determined by the numbers of people who work together. Instead of contribute[contributing;按语境来说，low efficiency 是坏的方面，用contribute 这个词不是很好，可以用result in、lead to 之类的] to the low efficiency; it helps headers come up with high quality thoughts [啥意思？]quickly. This is why big companies need to spend time on the meeting. Some international businesses even have the regular to operate remote meetings. Headmen do not have the ability to figure every problem by themselves.
 
In a word, an efficient leader [is] supposed[这里意思应该是leader 被认为该干嘛，应该用被动语态] to spare no effort to make sure everyone of his group joins [主谓要一致]the decision making because itis necessary for the development of the team. Also it helps managers making[make, 固定搭配 help sb do/to do sth] right decisions.

【整篇文章立场是明确的，有例子，however，
    tips：1point太不明确了，不看提纲还真不容易看出lz的思路，建议lz简化point  
            2.语法错误有点多，lz一定要加强这方面，因为错多了，分就不会高 even 你的point很好
            3.建议lz看看范文，有助于寻找简化point的方法，还能多吸收好词好句啥的。
              加油加油！~
                 有问题可以来找我o~】

tracyn

9.3 综合
The reading passage and the lecturer are debating about the accuracy of the Chevalier's memoir. And（根据GMAT语法啦，and 后面最好加句子）the professor emphasizes the accuracy of the memoir by proposing three evidences to against the critics.



Firstly, the professor mentions that the loan implies Chevalier used to borrow from others dose not means that he waslying（这个词不认识耶~~） about his poverty（这个句子结构有问题，可以改成the loan that Chevalier borrowed from others does….或者the loan implies that Chevalier borrowed money from others and this does mean….）. Because he usually spent a lot of money on the parties and gambling but it took a few days to convert his money into cash. So when Chevalier runs out of cash, he might turn to borrowed money.



Secondly, speaker explains why Chevalier could remember things happened years ago accurately because he took notes over the years that cancould helped him remind things. And also the content of the conversation that occurred iswas(或者has been) verified by one of his friend.





Third, the lecturer points out that some prisoners with more powerful friends could not even be getgotten(不过这个词也有点奇怪，可以换一种说法啦~)them out of the prison. So it is impossible for Chevalier tocamecome out of the prison by his jailers. And a record shows that one old cell's ceiling in the prison had been repaired before which(which 不能指代前面的整个句子，改成this吧) confirmed the truth of hehis coming out of prison from the hole of the cell he made by himself using a tool.
内容方面木有问题啦~~有几个空格木有空哟~~之后注意一下就好啦~~

beiyezi

The professor and the reading passage are debating about whether the pollution theory or predator theory could explain the decline of the otters. The lecturer supports the theory of predator while the reading passage prefers the pollution theory.

The professor claims that the pollution theory is weaken by the fact that no one has ever found a dead body of the otters on the beach of Alaskan. And it can be easily explain by the predators theory because the dead body could be ate immediately by the predators.

Secondly, the lecturer points out that the phenomenon of other sea mammal's missing can also supported by the predator theory. She suggests that the human hunters cause the whales that ate by orcas disappeared. As a result, in order to survive, the orcas have to change their diet and turn to hunt smaller mammals that mentioned in the passage. Thus, it is possible that other sea mammals are affected by the predators.

Third, the speaker claims that the uneven pattern can be better explained by the predator theory than by the pollution theory. The orcas can not kill the mammals on the other place because they are too big to assess to the shallow rocky place. Due to the special location of the beach at Alaskan, orcas have the ability to approach the otters live there. Accordingly, the otters live in Alaskan become less and less while the otters live in other coast stay stable.

beiyezi

谢谢批改，，请问简化point是什么意思，具体怎么实现 ， 我的语法确实很烂的说，一直都这么烂。其实这篇的语法错误算少的了

9.4 独立 修改  蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 紫色批注建议
agree/disagree：an efficient leader will alwaystry to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making

When I watch the classic American comedy ’Friends’, I [am] impressed by  Monica, a character who [is] craving on controlling everything in her life especially people, and she ultimately fails to be a leader she wants to be. For instance, when she was the head shelf of the restaurant, she yelled and yelled but not people listened to her. Clearly,she made mistakes by deciding the jobs on her own and did not consider other people. Thus, it is a proven fact that making everyone joins the process of decisions making is one of the keys to be a successful leader.


Firstly, the progress of a company is based on workers' doing their job with good mind state. Once people feel he or she is[does]not belongs to the team, the destruction of the whole group begins. And letting members of groups thinking about the ideas together with supervisors is the solution. I can think of no better illustration of this point than the prevailing books ’HarryPotter’. One of the reasons why you know who [would be] being defeated is because he is[was] so personal that he never shared his [plan about the] next action with subjects and just ordered other people around by violence. Apparently, a group managed by force or violence is vulnerable no matter how strong the army is. On the contrary, Harry and his friends planed everything together and acted as an unbreakable team.

Secondly, the phrase ‘every one of the groups’ dose not means that every single one bellows [你是想表达低于一等么，可以用 be inferior to] the head of the group. You never see a president discussing issues with all people in a nation. Just with governors.[这不能成为一句话，主语和谓语都没有。要表达完整。比如说：you can only witness that the president makes negotiations with his or her governors.] Further more, with the increasingly compartmentalized of an organization [语法不对，你可以说 nowadays as an organization is increasingly compartmentalized]; every decision maker [总觉得很奇怪，不要太中式了，避免语法错误，保险起见，啰嗦点也比语法错误好] has their [要与前面的 maker 相对应，应该用his or her] own range of power and limited numbers of people to manage. Thus, it is reasonable for a chieftain to make sure (that) nobody being [would要注意这里是一个从句，也就是说这里也是个句子，要有谓语。] left[leave].

Finally, the efficiency is no[not] determined by the numbers of people who work together. Instead of contribute[contributing;按语境来说，low efficiency 是坏的方面，用contribute 这个词不是很好，可以用result in、lead to 之类的] to the low efficiency; it helps headers come up with high quality thoughts [啥意思？]quickly. This is why big companies need to spend time on the meeting. Some international businesses even have the regular to operate remote meetings. Headmen do not have the ability to figure every problem by themselves.
 
In a word, an efficient leader [is] supposed[这里意思应该是leader 被认为该干嘛，应该用被动语态] to spare no effort to make sure everyone of his group joins [主谓要一致]the decision making because itis necessary for the development of the team. Also it helps managers making[make, 固定搭配 help sb do/to do sth] right decisions.

【整篇文章立场是明确的，有例子，however，
    tips：1point太不明确了，不看提纲还真不容易看出lz的思路，建议lz简化point  
            2.语法错误有点多，lz一定要加强这方面，因为错多了，分就不会高 even 你的point很好
            3.建议lz看看范文，有助于寻找简化point的方法，还能多吸收好词好句啥的。
              加油加油！~
                 有问题可以来找我o~】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/5 14:52:56)

xeyyxzty

Should people look back on the history to figuresome problems of present and future out? In a sense, it might be tempting toagree with the idea, based on some of the difficulties we are facing now might be similarto some situations before and we can use the solutions to deal with them( 这个指代不是很明确吧，difficulties\situations).However, a far more compelling argument can be made that, except for familiarmatters such as curing flu or fever, there are also unfamiliar situations outthere which people can not solve by reviewing past nowadays.
喜欢你的开头呀~我最不会写开头和结尾~~~学习
Admittedly, there are innumerable events happenedthat even can draw back（是否应该用被动呢？不确定…） to the birth of the university. Some of them are useful. (events are useful???怎么这么诡异呢) Consider the development of medicine, which playsa crucial role in society and their(如果指代development应该用its) solutions determine our future destiny.（是说the development plays a crucial role and thesolutions of the development determine the future, 你不觉得有问题吗？前半句我勉强能够理解，可是后面的真是不符合逻辑，你是想说医学发展影响人类的命运是吧，那么the solutions就没什么意义了）  In the spring of 2003, almost one thousandpeople killed(died) by(of) SARS amount(among) 13countries in the world. And finally people controlled the diseases and themedicine will be definitely useful if SARS comes again in thefuture（其实我不是很明白你要表达的意思——当然可能是我自身有问题哈——medicine究竟在2003年有没有用，这一点我没在这句话看出来，你是说以后会有用吧，总之不是很明白）. Accordingly, several records of historyprovide a lot of advises（advice貌似不可数是吧？） that help us react fast and make cogentdecisions to solve these（亲~这个指什么呀？用the如何？） problems.          

Nevertheless, current issues and anticipated events occur in a differenttime even compared with just past few decades（是我太脑残一些吗？这是什么意思？）. The changes of society are so dramatic thatsome of experiences become helpless and might be even misleading. For example,global environmental problem is a major concern into（为什么用into呢？我不知道是否可以哈，我喜欢in the） future. Gradual water pollution, continuousglobal warming, and faster species extinction will ultimately harm human beingsfundamentally in thefuture or merely the near future(后面那部分有必要吗？不敢多说，不过你再想想吧) tosome extent. On the one hand, governments need to act immediatelyto stop the destruction activities of human. But, on the other hand, with theincreasing population, governments can not afford to close hundreds ofindustries which（难道不是指代industries?你的意思是指关闭工厂的后果，但是which貌似没有这么大的功效,同时最好用factory,industry好像是指整个行业吧，这个太严重了~而且你没有强调industries是造成污染的那部分。整句话这么说你看如何：on the other hand, with the increasingpopulation, governments cannot afford to close factories which do harm to theenvironment because of the rising unemployment rate.） would cause more people unemployed. Thishard place has never happened or has never been this（这算什么用法？我不清楚Such能否用在这里） severe. People are dealing this without experiences.  

In sum, events that happened might help peopletoday to solve problems that isgoing on or will take place（虽然我明白，但还是觉得这样写不好，为什么不用题目里给出的at present and in the future呢？）. But not all of the problems can be deal(dealt) by(in) this way because of the different backgrounds.


总的来说~开头很好很好很好.....................
分论点是不是有点少呢?
不过字数比我多多了~虽然有小问题,但是俗话说,瑕不掩瑜