beiyezi 的作文贴，虚心求教~~~谢谢~

kris灿

http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-764270-1-1.html 综合写作 虚心赐教

beiyezi

Is it much easier to achieve individual success without family help in the modern days than in the past?(我觉得这个句子能不能稍微该写下呢？） In a sense, it might be tempting to support the statement since there are countless opportunities coming with booming society. However, the idea clearly begs the question by overlooking the fact that no matter in what time period, there are always numerous obstacles stand in the way of success. Regardless of era, success is something that always be attained through hard work, preparation, and a little luck.（开头真的非常好，尤其是后几句，逻辑很清晰，语言也很流畅，很是受用啊~）

Admittedly, people who live in ancient times are limited by the social system and poor conditions of the life. For the ancient women, because of the traditional rules, they were force to spend their whole life on staying in the houses and never have the opportunities to go outside of the houses. How can they achieve something successfully without any chances to get education or step into the society and contact with others? Further, in the ancient times of China, the caste system relegated people to various social classes even before they were born. Those who born in ruling or noble families were bred for success while those born in laborer and untouchable castes were forced in lives of manual labor and poverty. In reality, of course, there still have some slight chances for poor ancient individuals to be successful such as becoming a famous poet or taking the exam to become an officer if they pay enough hard work（不知道pay这个词用的好不好，也可以试下have enough diligence) and show significant talent.（最后要是由一个总结性的语句就更好了,过去和现在的差别到底在哪里了）

On the other hand, for the people live in the whole new era, there is not more caste system or limitation of women standing in the way of success. However, with the increasing population which counters the increasing(两个increasing有重复感，可以试下incremental) number of opportunities available for most of the people, there are still no that(读起来好怪） much chances offer to people as it seems to be. Moreover, without the help of family members, every one is even and there is only hard working can help people.（这个句子不太好 the only impetus through the success is striving for oneself） So it is no easier in today than past for people to succeed.

Regardless of what time period a person live, there will always be inevitable barriers prevent people from their goals. This is a fact of life that does not change over time. Whether on live in the past or in the present, success continues to be a battle against these obstacles. Though the challenges change over time, things have not gotten any easier. Success still extremely rare and must be accomplished through diligence, ambition and luck.

先来说下，语言很流畅，句子以及段落间的逻辑关系也处理的很好。
有些语言可能再去润色一下就更好了。真的是一篇很好的作文。
学习了~~  有什么说的不对的地方，一起讨论讨论哈~

-- by 会员 steigen (2012/9/12 16:05:34)

beiyezi

People now are easier to become educated than in the past.

Today is an era that has plenty accesses for people to learn and a society which full of people who willing to spare no effort to earn more knowledge than anytime before. Furthermore, individuals have minds so open to accept incredible things that allow them easier to be educated.

Nowadays, people belong to those things call computers. The idea is we started it, connected it to the internet, and then the whole world is placed in our fingertips. Individuals enjoy computers rang from children to adults. Through these convenient ways to contact with the world, people, even the kids, know much more things than they used to be. People tend to understand more thorough if they learn it in the past no matter how much of it. Thus, the information which is downloaded from internet could be the foundation that allows students easier to be taught since they may already familiar with the topics from the computers or TVs.

Moreover, it is an indisputable fact that one person who with a large of amount of knowledge in mind is so open to things that able to accept information easier and faster. For instance, modern people feel totally normal about flying to the moon and live there while people in the 18 century or before might think these ideas are crazy and unachievable. Evidently, it is doubtless that people has became easier to be trained.


Plus, there is more ways for people to be educated. Workers with full-time jobs can take courses at night schools. People with trouble taking courses far away can take courses online. As well as increasing TV programs on the educational channels like ‘ANIMAL’S WORLD’ or ‘Exploring OCEAN’ have became prevailing recently. In the university, libraries are the most popular place for professors and students. Thanks for governments spent a lot of money building a perfect educational center for residents in some city, people no matter who has the chance to learn.


Finally, with growing of the number of population, young people are so competitive nowadays with limited number of jobs. Young people are more willing to be trained and achieve master degree or doctor degree since it seems like higher the degree is, batter the jobs people can get.


In summary, given the reasons listed above, people are easier to educate compared with people who decades ago.

小兔爱twins

Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? Colleges or Universities should offer more courses to preparestudents for the future before they start working.

Whether the Colleges or Universities need to offer more courses to students forthe preparation of the future? In a sense, it seems necessary thatColleges and Universities adopt this idea since the competition outside thecampus are increasingly cruel and taking more course can help studentsto require more knowledge before they graduate. Yet, more courses also couldlead to some negative affection like more pressure for students.(很好的开头  可以稍稍变换一下句型更好了)

Admittedly, the more knowledge the graduate students own the larger 好!!thepossibility that the students can get the job they desired. There is a reason people go to the graduate school andpursuing the higher degree and academic achievement.感觉这句放这里很突兀..逻辑上比较说不通… Clearly, the harshbattles for the competition of the limited favorable jobs push individuals totake more courses to serve as the preparation of the job hunting.(感觉这句和上一句位子调换一下比较好…先说现象再得出结论) On the past, people withdegree of doctor are extremely rare. But now, it can not be describe as rareanymore. Further, the companies would rather choose the graduate students withhigher degrees than the one with lower degree.

Nevertheless, can taking more courses actually release the pressure ofjob hunting? Taking more courses means more exams and increasing time to study.With the already heavy assignment of the study, students can not(这段用了三个can 了 不然换一下啊…are not able to) afford to moreclasses. Evidently, the method of (tha practice that)offeringmore courses to students can not help students be batter prepare+d but work toward the contrast way andleave students more baggage to deal with. (这句观点不过.. 表述可以稍微修改一下… 有点绕) Moreover, the opportunities of the occupations are limited and rare forgraduate students; with the more time to study and delay the graduate date maybe result in losing the chances of taking the jobs.

Equally important, the ability such as communication skill or leadership ofstudents is also the indispensable aspect that necessary for many jobs. But,the students are hardly able to development these skill through taking morecourses. (5分标准貌似每一个观点都要展开….论述哦)

In summary, although more courses benefit students in the aspect. One the otherhand, the more stress on the study and the missingopportunity of the jobs are counterproductive to the effect of more knowledge.(这个表述有点小啰嗦….)

总体蛮好的… 不过建议在表述上可以说看看高分范文多积累一些有力而简洁的表述

haduni

9月13日
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? Colleges or Universities should offer more courses to preparestudents for the future before they start working

Whether do the Colleges or Universities need to offer more courses tostudents for the preparation of the future? In a sense, it seems necessary thatColleges and Universities shouldadopt this idea since the competition outside the campus are increasingly crueland taking more coursescan help students to acquiremore knowledge before they graduate. Yet, more courses also could lead to somenegative affection like more pressure for students.

Admittedly, the more knowledge the graduatestudents own the larger the possibility that the students can get the job theydesire. There is a reason people go to the graduate school and pursue the higher degree andacademic achievement. Clearly, the harsh battles for the competition of thelimited favorable jobs push individuals to take more courses to serve as thepreparation of the job hunting. On the past(我没有看到这个用法，Ten years ago), people with degree of doctor were extremely rare. Butnow, it can not bedescribe as rare anymore（这句话等于没说，qualifiedpeople with doctor degree form world-famous schools is not hard to be found）. Asa result, the companies would rather choose the graduate students withhigher degrees instead ofthe one with lower degree.

Nevertheless, can taking more courses actuallyrelease the pressure of job hunting? Taking more courses means more exams andincreasing time to study. With the already heavy assignment of the study,students can not afford to more classes. Evidently, the method of offering morecourses to students can not help students batter prepare but work toward thecontrast way and leave students more baggage to deal with. Moreover, theopportunities of the occupations are limited and rare for graduates(毕业生); with the more time to study and delay of the graduate date maybe result in losing the chances of taking the jobs.

Equally important, the ability such ascommunication skill or leadership of students is also the indispensable aspectthat necessary for many jobs. But, the students are hardly able to developmentthese skill through taking more courses.

In summary, although more courses offer studentsmore advantages in the aspect of knowledge, the more stress on the study andthe missing opportunity of the jobs are counterproductive to the effect of moreknowledge.

注：你可以使用word的修订功能，可以看到修订前后的对比。

1.        字数有一点少，第三段可以适当扩展。
2.        在逻辑方面可以增强，不要仅仅是简单的重述。
3.        在细节方面还需要有一定的提高。