beiyezi 的作文贴，虚心求教~~~谢谢~

beiyezi

谢谢批改，改的很详细，收获很多，额那句你觉得脑残的话的意思是  变化超大啊，即使和近现代比较也很大，有正确的表达吗

Should people look back on the history to figuresome problems of present and future out? In a sense, it might be tempting toagree with the idea, based on some of the difficulties we are facing now might be similarto some situations before and we can use the solutions to deal with them( 这个指代不是很明确吧，difficulties\situations).However, a far more compelling argument can be made that, except for familiarmatters such as curing flu or fever, there are also unfamiliar situations outthere which people can not solve by reviewing past nowadays.
喜欢你的开头呀~我最不会写开头和结尾~~~学习
Admittedly, there are innumerable events happenedthat even can draw back（是否应该用被动呢？不确定…） to the birth of the university. Some of them are useful. (events are useful???怎么这么诡异呢) Consider the development of medicine, which playsa crucial role in society and their(如果指代development应该用its) solutions determine our future destiny.（是说the development plays a crucial role and thesolutions of the development determine the future, 你不觉得有问题吗？前半句我勉强能够理解，可是后面的真是不符合逻辑，你是想说医学发展影响人类的命运是吧，那么the solutions就没什么意义了）  In the spring of 2003, almost one thousandpeople killed(died) by(of) SARS amount(among) 13countries in the world. And finally people controlled the diseases and themedicine will be definitely useful if SARS comes again in thefuture（其实我不是很明白你要表达的意思——当然可能是我自身有问题哈——medicine究竟在2003年有没有用，这一点我没在这句话看出来，你是说以后会有用吧，总之不是很明白）. Accordingly, several records of historyprovide a lot of advises（advice貌似不可数是吧？） that help us react fast and make cogentdecisions to solve these（亲~这个指什么呀？用the如何？） problems.          

Nevertheless, current issues and anticipated events occur in a differenttime even compared with just past few decades（是我太脑残一些吗？这是什么意思？）. The changes of society are so dramatic thatsome of experiences become helpless and might be even misleading. For example,global environmental problem is a major concern into（为什么用into呢？我不知道是否可以哈，我喜欢in the） future. Gradual water pollution, continuousglobal warming, and faster species extinction will ultimately harm human beingsfundamentally in thefuture or merely the near future(后面那部分有必要吗？不敢多说，不过你再想想吧) tosome extent. On the one hand, governments need to act immediatelyto stop the destruction activities of human. But, on the other hand, with theincreasing population, governments can not afford to close hundreds ofindustries which（难道不是指代industries?你的意思是指关闭工厂的后果，但是which貌似没有这么大的功效,同时最好用factory,industry好像是指整个行业吧，这个太严重了~而且你没有强调industries是造成污染的那部分。整句话这么说你看如何：on the other hand, with the increasingpopulation, governments cannot afford to close factories which do harm to theenvironment because of the rising unemployment rate.） would cause more people unemployed. Thishard place has never happened or has never been this（这算什么用法？我不清楚Such能否用在这里） severe. People are dealing this without experiences.  

In sum, events that happened might help peopletoday to solve problems that isgoing on or will take place（虽然我明白，但还是觉得这样写不好，为什么不用题目里给出的at present and in the future呢？）. But not all of the problems can be deal(dealt) by(in) this way because of the different backgrounds.


总的来说~开头很好很好很好.....................
分论点是不是有点少呢?
不过字数比我多多了~虽然有小问题,但是俗话说,瑕不掩瑜

-- by 会员 xeyyxzty (2012/9/6 12:58:09)

ykhjy

简化point呢就是说，针对这个问题，你明确立场之后，找到几个point来support你的立场，简单点来说，就是找原因啦，一定要简单点的，比如说，你支持reading 还是 sports，我选择sports，因为1.sports 利于健康 2. sports 更容易交到朋友 3.让步说说reading的好处，但一定重点还是支持sports的。 只是举个而已啦，具体的话，多看看别人文章把，挺有好处的

谢谢批改，，请问简化point是什么意思，具体怎么实现 ， 我的语法确实很烂的说，一直都这么烂。其实这篇的语法错误算少的了

9.4 独立 修改  蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 紫色批注建议
agree/disagree：an efficient leader will alwaystry to make everyone feel that he's in part of a decision making

When I watch the classic American comedy ’Friends’, I [am] impressed by  Monica, a character who [is] craving on controlling everything in her life especially people, and she ultimately fails to be a leader she wants to be. For instance, when she was the head shelf of the restaurant, she yelled and yelled but not people listened to her. Clearly,she made mistakes by deciding the jobs on her own and did not consider other people. Thus, it is a proven fact that making everyone joins the process of decisions making is one of the keys to be a successful leader.


Firstly, the progress of a company is based on workers' doing their job with good mind state. Once people feel he or she is[does]not belongs to the team, the destruction of the whole group begins. And letting members of groups thinking about the ideas together with supervisors is the solution. I can think of no better illustration of this point than the prevailing books ’HarryPotter’. One of the reasons why you know who [would be] being defeated is because he is[was] so personal that he never shared his [plan about the] next action with subjects and just ordered other people around by violence. Apparently, a group managed by force or violence is vulnerable no matter how strong the army is. On the contrary, Harry and his friends planed everything together and acted as an unbreakable team.

Secondly, the phrase ‘every one of the groups’ dose not means that every single one bellows [你是想表达低于一等么，可以用 be inferior to] the head of the group. You never see a president discussing issues with all people in a nation. Just with governors.[这不能成为一句话，主语和谓语都没有。要表达完整。比如说：you can only witness that the president makes negotiations with his or her governors.] Further more, with the increasingly compartmentalized of an organization [语法不对，你可以说 nowadays as an organization is increasingly compartmentalized]; every decision maker [总觉得很奇怪，不要太中式了，避免语法错误，保险起见，啰嗦点也比语法错误好] has their [要与前面的 maker 相对应，应该用his or her] own range of power and limited numbers of people to manage. Thus, it is reasonable for a chieftain to make sure (that) nobody being [would要注意这里是一个从句，也就是说这里也是个句子，要有谓语。] left[leave].

Finally, the efficiency is no[not] determined by the numbers of people who work together. Instead of contribute[contributing;按语境来说，low efficiency 是坏的方面，用contribute 这个词不是很好，可以用result in、lead to 之类的] to the low efficiency; it helps headers come up with high quality thoughts [啥意思？]quickly. This is why big companies need to spend time on the meeting. Some international businesses even have the regular to operate remote meetings. Headmen do not have the ability to figure every problem by themselves.
 
In a word, an efficient leader [is] supposed[这里意思应该是leader 被认为该干嘛，应该用被动语态] to spare no effort to make sure everyone of his group joins [主谓要一致]the decision making because itis necessary for the development of the team. Also it helps managers making[make, 固定搭配 help sb do/to do sth] right decisions.

【整篇文章立场是明确的，有例子，however，
    tips：1point太不明确了，不看提纲还真不容易看出lz的思路，建议lz简化point  
            2.语法错误有点多，lz一定要加强这方面，因为错多了，分就不会高 even 你的point很好
            3.建议lz看看范文，有助于寻找简化point的方法，还能多吸收好词好句啥的。
              加油加油！~
                 有问题可以来找我o~】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/5 14:52:56)

-- by 会员 beiyezi (2012/9/5 16:12:11)

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
The professor and the reading passage are debating about whether（感觉这里使用which比较好点，是二选一么） the pollution theory or predator theory could explain the decline of the otters. The lecturer supports the theory of predator while the reading passage prefers the pollution theory.

The professor claims that the pollution theory is weaken（ed）by the fact that no one has ever found a dead body of the otters on the beach of Alaskan. And it can be easily explain by the predators theory because the dead body could be ate immediately by the predators.

Secondly, the lecturer points out that the phenomenon of other sea mammal's missing can also （be）supported by the predator theory. She suggests that the human hunters cause the whales that （once to be 感觉这样可以突出以下）ate by orcas disappeared. As a result, in order to survive, the orcas have to change their diet and turn to hunt smaller mammals that mentioned in the passage. Thus, it is possible that other sea mammals are affected by the predators.

Third, the speaker claims that the uneven pattern can be better explained by the predator theory than by the pollution theory. The orcas can not kill the mammals on the other place because they are too big to assess to the shallow rocky place. Due to the special location of the beach at Alaskan, orcas have the ability to approach the otters live there. Accordingly, the otters live in Alaskan become less and less while the otters live in other coast stay stable.

听力和句型都很好，没有什么可以挑剔的，句子方面的小错误注意下就好了。

beiyezi

9月6日
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today's world will be solved in our lifetime.

Can we solve the most urgent problems in today’s world in our lifetime? In a sense, I tend to agree with the statement since lifetime seems to be long enough for us to solve several immediate problems quickly. However, the statement begs question by overlooking how difficult quite a few issues we are confronted with could be. In my point of view, whether the issues can be solved depend not only on how much time we devoted, but also other factors. Some of the most serious problems will remain unsolved in lifetime.  

First of all, it is an indisputable fact that plenty of problems are just piece of cakes for human to attach today, due to the dramatic changes that have brought by the high-tech products like computers and potent intelligence owned by human. Consider SARS witch is a type of lethal disease that could have caused destructive event back in 17 century under the poor medical condition. The diffusion of virus in the 13contries throughout the world in the spring of 2003 simply controlled by the medicine sciences made. Admittedly, the technology we had has revolutionized the way we lived, and we have benefited greatly from these technology.

Yet, there remain several issues that uncontrollable by humans. For human’s society, the most exigent matter between countries is the confliction of interest like energy, recourses or land. For thousands of years, the wars and the battles indicate that the peace is an unachievable goal though human work so hard on it and the confliction can not be solved in short-term.
     
Equally importantly, for the nature, global environmental problem is becoming a major concern currently. Gradual water pollution, continuous global warming, and faster species extinction will definitely harm human beings fundamentally in the future, or merely the near future to some extent. Further more, governments cannot afford to give up beneficial industries in order to stop the self-destroy activities because the action could cause innumerable people workless. Evidently, we cannot solve the environmental problem in lifetime.  

By way of conclusion, the challenges presented by booming society are severe and complex. Although they are by no means insurmountable, it is highly unlikely that they will be resolved in the foreseeable future.

xeyyxzty

亲~你那句话好高难的说~小女子才疏学浅没有答案

P.S.
超爱你的头像~

beiyezi

 呵呵，Emma Watson 她是我偶像

亲~你那句话好高难的说~小女子才疏学浅没有答案

P.S.
超爱你的头像~

-- by 会员 xeyyxzty (2012/9/6 22:14:39)

safeandsound

这篇作文写得不错呦~

beiyezi

谢谢批改   第一次被表扬，高兴啊

这篇作文写得不错呦~

-- by 会员 safeandsound (2012/9/7 16:32:49)

beiyezi

9月7日
Some people think university professors should spend more time doing research while others
think they should spend more time educating students. What is your view?

Whether university professors should focus on the education of students or researches? It might be tempting to support professors pour more time on the researches since  the fact that numerous technology that have brought progress of society are basis on researches. However, a far more compelling argument can be made that the education is a major factor that relates to the future of a nation.

Admittedly, it is an indisputable fact that the researches play a crucial role at the booming society ranging from culture to nature. On the one hand, for the human world, it is impossible to learn about history without studying on the remains of ancestors. Further, countless technology achievements such as the spaceships that allow our human take a leap from earth to have a better glance on space are brought by greatly researching on space and tools that available to take people to the university. On the other hand, for the world of nature, exploring the every element of habitat such as soil, air, water, and plants is the major assess to better attach the conditions of the surroundings, and as a result reveal a fascinating world to us.  

Nevertheless, it is an undeniable fact that education is one of the most significant foundations of a country’s development. So important education is that governments offer billions of dollars as financial incentives to support education yearly. Clearly, professors’ poor attention pay on teaching is responsible to the sub-standard academic achievement of students that might constitute a potential risk in our future. Since knowledge is the fundament of research and the research is the way for people to discover and create which lead to the development of the world as well as the education is the way to popularize the knowledge, it is inevitable that professors have to put teaching on the first place over research.
     
Moreover, neither research nor teaching can be given up by professors. Thus, it is vital to find a balance between them. Nowadays, there are quite a few brilliant young people sitting is in the classroom who might be the next Isaac Newton and they can not only learn things quickly but also are able to propose some amazing idea that may helpful in professors’ study field. So research and teaching for a professor are not completely conflict and may produce positive mutual effect.

By way of conclusion, I believe that education is equally important as research; the real issue for professors is to find the balance of them and develop a effective way that can benefit both.

xeyyxzty

昨天的今天才看是不是有点晚？？？一定不晚对不对


Can we solve the most urgent problems in today’sworld in our lifetime? In a sense, I tend to agree with the statement sincelifetime seems to be long enough for us to solve several immediate problemsquickly. However, the statement begs question by overlooking how difficultquite a few issues we are confronted with could be.（开头真好~羡慕+学习） In my point of view, whether the issues canbe solved depends(用吗？) notonly on how much time we devoted, but also on otherfactors. Some of the most serious problems will remain unsolved in lifetime.  

First of all, it is an indisputable fact thatplenty of problems are just piece of cakes for human to attach today, due tothe dramatic changes that have been brought by the high-tech products likecomputers and potent intelligence owned by human. Consider SARS witch(which) is a type of lethal disease that could have causeddestructive event back in 17 century under the poor medical condition. Thediffusion of virus in the 13contries throughout the world in the spring of 2003simply got controlled by the medicine sciences (scientists?) made. Admittedly, the technology we had has revolutionizedthe way we lived, and we have benefited greatly from these technology(the technology/ these technologies).

Yet, there remain several issues that areuncontrollable by humans. For human’s society, the most exigent matter betweencountries is the confliction(conflict?两个词有什么区别吗？) of interestlike energy, recourses or （and） land. For thousands of years, the wars and the battles indicate thatthe peace is an unachievable goal though human work so hard on it and the confliction can not be solved (conflict用solve？还是resolve或者别的什么)inshort-term.
   
Equally importantly, for the nature, globalenvironmental problem is becoming a major concern currently. Gradual waterpollution, continuous global warming, and faster species extinction willdefinitely harm human beings fundamentally in the future, or merely the nearfuture to some extent. Further more, governments cannot afford to give upbeneficial industries in order to stop the self-destroy activities because theaction could cause innumerable people workless. Evidently, we cannot solve the environmentalproblem in lifetime.  

By way of conclusion, the challenges presented bybooming society are severe and complex. Although they are by no meansinsurmountable, it is highly unlikely that they will be resolved in theforeseeable future.

喜欢你形容词和副词的使用~打字有小错误，多注意就好啦~文章的观点算是折中是吧~这种我就不是很会写~所以我也不是很会评价，就只是指出了几点小错误~加油