『写作小分队』求各位大神轰炸，板砖，不吝赐教～

gre呀gre

8.14 独立Coincident with the development of society by leaps and bounds, thetechnology exceptionally made a great progress-- we have the washing machinesto help us wash dirty clothes; we have the lamp to illuminate our room; we havethe car to bring us more convenience if(我觉得改成rather than on foot 更好吧) we go on foot.Thanks to the fantastic proliferating of technology, our life quality hasreached to a new level. However, people in an increasing number hold the viewthat the most significant improvement has been（take place不能被动）taken place. From my prospective, I, after careful contemplation, refute thisstatement.

  Firstof all, a large amount of fierce diseases are still left in the world, whichhas been confusing our lives for decades. Image that AID（是AIDS啦- -）, SARAS, even the obesity bring sometrouble to our life（lives）. Howcan we announce confidently that our life has made the most significantimprovement? For example, the staffs, which are often sedentary during theworking time, have to face with the spine cervical problems, along with theobesity. Moreover, （an）increasing number ofpeople, in Africa, are（is） suffering from the tortures of AIDS. There is no doubt that if thetechnology has completely eliminated these fatal diseases, we hardlyacknowledge the great improvement of life has been made.
          In addition, undeniably, some advanced technology, which we can predict,has not been utilized in our daily life. Nothing can be more popular thanartificial technology in modern society. Take the robot as an example; even thesupercomputer called deep blue defeated the chess champion. Nevertheless, thelevel of robots now stays at the experimental process. It cannot help us write（do更好啊）homework as well as cook dishes. In other words, the technology that we eagerlylook forward to has not been applied to our life, let alone to（with） improve（improved） our life.
         Admittedly, men in the prehistory may feel content when they were ableto building（build） stone houses as a storm shelter. On no account can they predictthat they can eat hamburgers or travel to other planets by spaceship. As an oldsaying goes: history always has an astonishing similar（similarity）. Million（millions of） years later, their offsprings have thesimilar feeling-content. Obviously, more unbelievable products and inventionswill occur in the future.
         Granted the persuasive reasons above, I feel obliged to maintain thetechnology has too many surprises to present to us as to improve our life andhandle recent thorny problems.

hjl80959

8.16独立
       Concomitant with the development of the society by leaps and bounds, the new generation, indeed, encounters more and more opportunities day by day. Furthermore, considering the strong support from their families, people tend to assert that it is much easier for them to achieve success. However, accounting for the fierce competition and fast-changing technology, I, needless to say, it is hard for them to succeed.


First of all, as old saying goes: we are able to look farther as we stand on the shoulder of giants. Undeniably, our parents can offer us ample experience about how to handle the relationship with other, how to learn efficiently. Nevertheless, although we can learn some valuable knowledge from the elder directly, our old generation still has difficulty to catch up with rapid steps of society. Take my father as an example. My major is computer science. I always operate the computer to help me copy some problems. Nonetheless, when I confront with thorny issues, even my father's major is closely related with mine, he is only proficient in the traditional solution and seldom gets touch with computer, let alone give me a hand. Hence, our parents barely offer us constructive suggestions in our major that they has been extremely unfamiliar with.


In addition, the fiercer competition between corporations, the more demanding the requirement the corporations set. Obviously, that fact is that graduates need grasp more superior abilities to stand out from the crowed. My brother participated in the interview of Google. After five interviews with the boss, he finally got the offer. He presented to boss his outstanding ability- skilled in establishing website, composing program and enable to communicate with foreigners frequently. However, several years ago, what interviewee need is that degree of university. There is no doubt that requirement for us becomes more rigorous.


Admittedly, our parents can exploit relationship to help us find a good job. In China, it is widely accepted in public. Nonetheless, I must emphasize of the important of the self-quality. What to sustain our career is our ability. On no account can we ignore it. In this way, parents can back us to find way to success, but we should reach success on own foot.


Granted the persuasive reasons presents above, the elder scarcely impart us specific experience and we have to improve our own quality to meet the demanding request from companies, as a result, it hard for us to success.

GWinner

8.16独立
精彩错误修改提议综合
Concomitant with the development of the society by leaps and bounds, [这里写的好有诗意~赞一个]the new generation, indeed, encounters more and more opportunities day by day. Furthermore, considering the strong support from their families, people tend to assert that it is much easier for them to achieve success. However, accounting for the fierce competition and fast-changing technology, I, needless to say, it is hard for them to succeed. [这里插入语用的好强...不知道这样断句是否可行呢?把谓语分出来了的说> <?...]


First of all, as old saying goes: we are able to look farther as we stand on the shoulder of giants. Undeniably, our parents can offer us ample experience about how to handle the relationship with other, how to learn efficiently[这里的并列结构感觉好像少了一个似的...about A, B, and C要不就about A and B...我强迫症了]. Nevertheless, although we can learn some valuable knowledge from the elder directly, our old generation still has difficulty to catch up with rapid steps of [+个modern会不会更好?~]society. Take my father as an example. My major is computer science. I always operate the computer to help me copy some problems.[这句话的语意是?...] Nonetheless, when I confront with thorny issues, even my father's major is closely related with mine, he is only proficient in the traditional solution and seldom gets touch with computer, let alone give me a hand. Hence, our parents barely offer us constructive suggestions in our major that they has been extremely unfamiliar with.


In addition, the fiercer competition between corporations, the more demanding the requirement the corporations set.[这句话乍一看我还以为是竞争越强,公司要的人越多...感觉没有表达出公司的要求越高哈...demanding这个词有点问题....the higher the standard enterprises will set能表达你想表达的意思么?] Obviously, that fact is that graduates need [+to]grasp more superior abilities to stand out from the crowed. My brother participated in the interview of Google. After five interviews with the boss, he finally got the offer. He presented to boss his outstanding ability- skilled in establishing website, composing program and enable to communicate[保持排比句式一致communicatiing]with foreigners frequently. However, several years ago, what interviewee need is that degree of university[is only a degree of university是不是能更强调点?]. There is no doubt that requirement for us becomes more rigorous.
[感觉这段和family的联系不大...是不是应该扯点family来弥补一下逻辑上的GAP哈? 比如接着你的话来讲: 现在社会竞争变强了, 这个属于family可以help范围之外的困难, 所以不能说easier to success...你看加上这句话会不会好一点?]


Admittedly, our parents can exploit relationship [make use of their social networking]to help us find a good job. In China, it is widely accepted in public. Nonetheless, I must emphasize of the important of the self-quality. What to sustain our career is our ability[强调一下 别太平淡哈: we should use our own ability instead of our parents' to sustain our career.]. On no account can we ignore it. [其实前两句话可以合成一句哈(我有合并句子综合症): on no account can we deny that we should use our own ability......]In this way, parents can back us to find way to success, but we should reach success on [+our] own foot.


Granted the persuasive reasons presents[presented] above, the elder scarcely impart us specific experience and we have to improve our own quality to meet the demanding request from companies, [increasingly higher standard set by employers]as a result, it hard for us to success.[这....还是加上比较和限制神马的吧....这句话有点狠]

整齐的五段式~感觉第三段的逻辑还需要再往主题上拉拉 其他的都OK~

感觉LZ的用词比较高级 词汇量小的人表示鸭梨很大> <...有些词汇不知道能不能这么用 LZ也要斟酌哈 一定要保证用上的都是自己确定熟悉的词汇和搭配 以免出现用了高级词汇 却出现语法错误的尴尬~

另外感觉有些零散的句子可以注意合并一下 弄成从句的形式 这样长短句穿插 文章会更漂亮~建议LZ可以背背一些好词好句神马的 用用可以添彩哈

加油~

hjl80959

8.17 独立
What is the most important characteristic of an excellent leader should own? No one seems to identify. Obviously, many characters play essential roles in leadership extraordinarily, such as responsibility, confidence and authority, but value of each characteristic is difficult for us to weigh. Therefore, after careful contemplation, I, needless to say, the ability to take responsibility for mistake can not be regarded as the most significant one.


First all, on no account can we ignore the importance of confidence of leaders. When a leader shows confident in himself, along with the fellowships, it is more likely to aggrandize the motivation of the whole team. Due a survey in the Proceedings of National Academies of Sciences, scientists conclude that leaders ‘energetic confidence in their fellow members has contributions to increasing efficiency of team by 50 percent. Consequently, in daily work, in order to keep high efficiency, the characteristic, paid attention most by leader, is the confidence for his team.


In addition, the ability to equip members with strong executive force is inevitable. "You will learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all maps in the world," how often can we hear such words like these.What a pity is that members of a team, enable to spark various fantastic ideas, are unable to work them out. When a leader comes with this problem, what he need do is to design working plan and arrange tasks to each members as soon as possible.After thousands of experiments, Edison finally invented the bulb. Without practice, large amount of amazing ideas are only remained in our mind and fade out as time flies. Hence, the more powerful authority a leader possesses the easier for the team to realize their plan and succeed.


Admittedly, there is no denying that that responsibility is extremely necessary for a leader. To take a piece of news as an example, the product of a big corporation existed several quality problems. The consumers typically requested the corporation to give them some explanation. Since the leader of the corporation apologized for their mistakes and made some promises, the corporation finally avoided bankrupt and built up market confidence again. No one can blind to the effect of responsibility for acknowledging mistakes.


In a nutshell, granted the responsibility’s advantage presented to us, I have to emphasize the importance of confidence and authority of the leader.