『写作小分队』求各位大神轰炸，板砖，不吝赐教～

ykhjy

原8.5    独立 tpo 3     修改       抱歉 lz 来晚了 但我刚看到你的回帖就来了
蓝色模版，黄色需修改，红色修改，绿色总结
          The lecture is taking about that after re-examination of painting, the experts regard Portrait of an Elderly Woman attributed to Rembrandt【将这个作品视为Rembrandt？总感觉有点奇怪，可以这么用么？】. The lecture refutes the passages thoroughly.【主题+lecture和文章的对立关系，很明确】
         Firstly, the passage explains that the inconsistence in the woman’s dress represents it is not a work by【of？】 Rembrandt as he paid much attention to this aspect. On the contrary, the lecture claims that in order to increase value of the paintings, after a hundred years, someone painted over the original layer of fur collar【这里是不是点明不是Rembrandt做的比较好？】. This directly contradicts what passage suggests.
          Secondly, the passage reckons that light and shadow in the painting do not fit well. However, the speakers argues that after removing the added paint, we could find simple color of the painting, and the light of collar reflected to woman’ partial face. This another point goes against the passage.【我觉得这里light and shadow are very realistic 是point诶，你怎么看？】
          Finally, the passages believe that Rembrandt often painted on single wood panel rather than a panel glued by several pieces. This is against 【the fact？可以直接用从句接？】 that in order to add paint and to make painting grand and valuable, some pieces were put together by the other. In fact,【according to lecture，指明文章against lecture是不是好点？】 the original wood panel was from the same tree used for the panel of another painting.

ps：多谢lz之前给我的建议哈，你概括好厉害

hjl80959

综合8.7  
 The lecture is taking about that the evidence for the use of great houses is unpersuasive to support three competing theories, which refutes the passage thoroughly.
            Firstly, the passage explains that the Chaco structures were purely residential, as it was similar with the “apartment buildings” at Taos. On the contrary, the lecture reckons that there were not enough fireplaces for people to cook in the building, there seemed to be 100 families in the building, although the fireplace only were apt for ten families. This points directly contradicts the passage suggests.
            Secondly, the passage claims that structures were used to store food supplies, such as the grain maize. However, the speakers rebuts that any containers of the maize, along with the spoil maize could not be discovered in the building. This is another part where reading goes against the listening.
           Finally, the passage demonstrates that houses were used as ceremonial centers. Excavation of the mound revealed deposits containing a larges of broken pots that was interpreted as evidence. This is against the fact that other material was unearthed besides broken pots, the most material was building stuff which was left by workers.
          In sum, from presentation of three reasons, the information of reading is unwarranted.

jiaosisisisi

8.6 独立
Concomitant with the rapid development of modern society along with the past gloomy depression of economy, economy has been one of the most important factors that represent the comprehensive strength of a country. 修饰的内容有一点太多了As the saying goes: economical basis determines superstructure, people regard the economics as the most promising fields in the world due to economic gradual resurgence all over world. Consequently, many people consider that high school students should take a course on basic economics. From this prospective, I, after careful contemplation, am on extremely behalf on this proposal.

First of all, it is helpful for high school students to combine their basic science knowledge(theoretical knowledge)with practical application. In (most of )Chinese high school(s) , students are always complaining aboutlack of practical knowledge in the class, which makes them doubt with goal of studying. If the basic economics is likely to be added in the curriculum, students will have chances to figure out the practical problems with knowledge they own. For example, recently, in a high school of own city,（少词了吧）the school conducts(conducted) activity-how to take advantage of the mathematic model to solve a simple economics. Surprisingly, even majority of participants failed to work out the problems, in the interview after that activity, most of students spoken （一般过去式用spoke 就好了，spoken 是分词）highly of the activity and implied that they had learnt a lot during this experience, which stimulated their enthusiasm of studying. Yet in high school, the common phenomenon is that parents and authority extremely insist on the significance of basic courses like mathematic, physic, Chinese and English. Indeed, these courses are concerned with pivotal examination, however, there is no denying that basic economics can improve comprehensive understanding of whole courses.


In addition, the basic economics can help students to develop an interest in economy and to think about their future direction（有点中式翻译吧，Career life 怎么样呢？）. In instead （in instead 不对，直接instead 就ok额）of being forced to pick up a major in a tense time before the college entrance examination, students can justify whether the economics is their favorable major or not when they are studying in the class. Moreover,  teachers will take about distinct roles of different fields in the economics, students are able to establish a latent impression about desirable major. After class, if some of them have determined to be dedicated to such fields, undeniably, they are bound to obtain information from library. From this case, the basic economics is conductive to aid students understand what they need.
In sum, the basic economics is a colorful course included with many (much) information, which let students apply basic knowledge and find orientation of life. 结

以上，黄色的部分是很赞的，红色的部分是我认为可能有问题的，绿色的部分是我的总结

优点：
我认为你的结构很完整，
（第1段）摆明立场
（第2段）分论点1
（第3段）分论点2
（第4段）结尾
的段落结构。
而且你的conj 链接词也运用的非常恰当，很丰富，这一点我要好好向你学习。
美中不足，我认为你的第一段开场没有迅速的切入主题，而用了很多非常中式写作方式的铺垫，
逻辑的紧密性感觉不是非常强烈，其二，你的文中多次出现被动句子，感觉没有主动句读起来容易理解。最后，我认为你的开头是非常丰富的，可是相比之下，结尾略显仓促。

附加：被动句用太多的话，会让人觉得很累赘，例如文中出现的：
1If the basic economics is likely to be added in the curriculum,
2In instead of being forced to pick up a major in a tense time before the college
entrance examination

以上是我的肤浅拙劣的观点，希望你斟酌采纳，At last，希望你可以顺利crack T

hjl80959

8.8 综合The lecture is taking about that the important problems that make the encyclopedias less valuable than traditional, printed encyclopedias are unpersuasive, which refutes the passage thoroughly.
             Firstly, the passage explains that the communal online encyclopedias often lack academic as they are not written by rigorous academic experts. On the contrary, the lecture claims that neither of the online and traditional encyclopedias are hardly close to the perfect. Moreover, the communal online encyclopedias help to correct errors more quickly than the traditional one, which might remain false for decades. This point directly contradicts to the information of passage.
             Secondly, the passage argues that online encyclopedias give vandals or hackers the opportunity to fabricate. However, the speaker demonstrates that having realized such problems, two measures have been taken-changing the format to the reading-only and arranging some people to monitor the encyclopedia so as to eliminate the mistakes. This is another point where the listening goes against the passage extraordinarily.
             Finally, the passage believes that encyclopedias focus too frequently, and have too many trivial and popular topics, which creates a false impression of what is important and what is not. This is against the fact that there are not enough space in the traditional ,printed encyclopedias, which quite limits the completion. Nevertheless, this definitely is the strongest advantage of the online encyclopedias, which can enrich the diversity topics and information.

ykhjy

8.7独立    修改~~~
蓝色模版，黄色需改，红色我改的，绿色总结
How can we have an access to the success rapidly? How can we solve the problems we confront with efficiently? As the【an】 old saying goes that: the history is like a mirror, and it can reflect the errors you have and tell you want【what】 to do in the future. Indeed, coincident with the increasing development of society, people have to face to different issues everyday, which confuses them extremely. In the eyes of the better solution, I, after careful contemplation, am on behalf that people should review the past so as to handle the present and future problems.【文采飞扬讷，明确了观点 不错】
          First and foremost, it's difficult for people to figure 【out】 all key points of enormous problems without reference to the history. Nowadays, it is necessary to deal with 【a】 large amount of work. If one part in the process goes wrong, the whole task may fall into a thorny dilemma. Moreover, the basic fact is that people should take much time to pick up the minors that paralyses the entire work. Nevertheless, the history always has an astonishing similar. Reference to superior accomplishment of other people aids us tackle trouble quickly. For example, when I was taking the IBT composition examination last time, I achieved a low score which gave me a shock. In no case can I accept that grade. However, after reading the standard for evaluation these days, I came to know matters that I did not emphasize the theme of topic and wrote something digressive. Hence, reviewing the past is conductive to guiding me seek out the problems I have and make 【a】 progress.【从过去学到错误的关键，挺好的，语言+例子】
        In addition, Learning from the past makes us to study some faults and ridiculous explanation,【这里是不是得"."让“furthermore” 在另一个句子】 furthermore, through the deep understanding of the ancient people, we can compensate for flaws in our characters. In China, people used to believe that a ghost does exist in the world, and change of climate, along with the nature disasters, are the punishment of immortals【总觉得这里有点怪怪的，这里的主语包括鬼魂的存在么？用and连接似乎不是很好】. Consequently, these nature phenomena can be completely explained by advanced science so that less and less【fewer and fewer】 people are unlikely【双重否定？】 to be cheated by the so-call theurgy. Ancient people states that it is helpful for us to examine body, words and deeds in the past, in the other word, it still reminds us the importance for reviewing the past.【过去的错误推进时代的发展？人们不再迷信了？嗯。应该也可以，不过我觉得最好强调下，过去的错误怎么推进时代的发展，因为这里只说了我们用现代科学解释了过去的错误，意识到现代人比古代人更科学，但并没有特别指出过去错误对现在的影响。这个可以讨论下。】
          In sum, granted the presentation of the advantages above, we can have a deep understanding of the nature and ourselves, at the same time, we can find a proper solution【for what？】 through learning 【the past】.
【lz语言运用挺高级的，结构也蛮清晰，只是第二个point 最好能突出重点】

ykhjy

综合8.7   修改~~蓝色模版，黄色需修改，红色我改的，绿色总结
The lecture is taking【talks】 about that the evidence for the use of great houses is unpersuasive to support three competing theories【这句话好奇怪，可能是这个competing的问题，】, which refutes the passage thoroughly.
          Firstly, the passage explains that the Chaco structures were purely residential, as it was similar with the “apartment buildings” at Taos. On the contrary, the lecture reckons that there were not enough fireplaces for people to cook in the building, 【and】 there seemed to be 100 families in the building, although【while】 the fireplace only were apt for ten families. This points directly contradicts the passage suggests.
           Secondly, the passage claims that structures were used to store food supplies, such as the grain maize. However, the speakers rebuts that any containers of the maize, along with the spoiled maize could not be discovered in the building. This is another part where reading goes against the listening.【这里没找到containers 和maize不能算是go against reading里面把，只是证据不足，意思上有点差别】
          Finally, the passage demonstrates that houses were used as ceremonial centers.【That】 Excavation of the mound 【was】 revealed deposits containing a larges of broken pots that was interpreted as evidence. This is against the fact that other material was unearthed besides broken pots,【and】 the most【many】 materials was【were】 building stuff which was left by workers.
        In sum, from presentation of three reasons, the information of reading is unwarranted.
【结构清晰，注意不要一个句子里面出现俩谓语动词】

hjl80959

8.8独立
Have you always desired to succeed in the studying? Have you ever wanted to make your goal in the studying more explicitly? Have you often been longing for exchanging the opinions with the experts? If you look forward the same experience like me. From my perspective, you will agree on the proposal that professors should educate students in the university.
              First of all, the abundant knowledge, along with the valuable experience the professor owns, should be imparted to students, which will precipitate the growth of the next generation. As an old saying goes: as we stand on the shoulders' of the past giants, we are able to look further. For example, in our university, professor are always in charge of some experiments. As we just step into our major, we commonly face to some thorny issues and hardly figure them out. Even through the long deliberate cognition, it is still difficult for us to solve it. When professor observes us trapped in trouble like this, they are gladly inclined to point out the key of problems, which always broadens our horizon and enriches our knowledge. Hence, if students can have opportunities to be tutored by professors, they are likely to achieve more than in the books.
              In addition, professors grasp the practical application of theories, which helps students to combine the theories with the practical utility. Undeniably, the professors are proficient in his teaching major. In the class, he has capacity and time to initiate students how the basic knowledge can be applied to the practical process. My major is communication engineering, in the class, professor is willing to take out his mobile handing in a hand, and then teach us the basic working function of the mobile phone. Consequently, thanks to his colorful teaching, we have learnt large amount knowledge which is not involved in the books.
              Last but not least, professors can aid us to set an excellent self-position. Admittedly, professors know the recent tendency of major development. With the help of professors, the students are likely to what is the most promising job in the future market and what is most prevalent technology nowadays. If we are keen on making achievements rapidly in our major, frequent communication is wise access.
             In sum, granted the presentation of advantages above, it is necessary for professors to educate students. This not only helps students to absorb more knowledge as soon as possible, but also to define the students’ job intention and goal in the future.

Cynthia9192

蓝色为意见或建议绿色为总结红色为错误
Have you always desired tosucceed in the（the应该去掉） studying? Have you everwanted to make your goal in the studying more explicitly? Have you often beenlonging for exchanging the opinions with the experts? If you look forward thesame experience like me. From my perspective, you will agree on the proposalthat professors should educate students in the university.（the main role ofthe professor is to educate吧，觉得体现出比较好一点）【排比句很好，如果这三个句子能有递进关系就更漂亮了】
Firstof all, the abundant knowledge, along with the valuable experience theprofessor owns, should be imparted to students, which will precipitate thegrowth of the next generation.（第一句为本段观点句，表达自己意思的同时最好写的简洁清楚，但是楼主句子的确漂亮哦(*^__^*) ）， As an old saying goes: as we stand on the shoulders' of the past giants, we areable to look further. For example, in our university, professors are always in charge ofsome experiments. （experiment和下一句是什么关系呢，木有看懂）As we just step into our major, we commonly face to somethorny issues and hardly figure them out. Even through the long deliberatecognition, it is still difficult for us to solve it. When professor observes ustrapped in trouble like this, they are gladly inclined to point out the key ofproblems, which always broadens our horizon and enriches our knowledge. Hence,if students can have opportunities to be tutored by professors, they are likelyto achieve more than in the books.【楼主很多小词很高端呀】
 In addition, professors grasp thepractical application of theories, which helps students to combine the theorieswith the practical utility. Undeniably, the professors are proficient in histeaching major. In the class, he has capacity and time to initiate students howthe basic knowledge can be applied to the practical process. My major iscommunication（？神马专业哦） engineering, in the class, professor is willing to take out hismobile handing in a hand, and then teach us the basic working function of themobile phone. Consequently, thanks to his colorful teaching, we have learntlarge amount knowledge which is not involved in the books.【个人感觉这段楼主写偏向于为什么professor教的好，或怎样教的好这样的方向，而题目是说应该注重research还是educate student，最好在开头立论的时候提下题目，往题目方向拉下】
  Last but not least, professorscan aid us to set an excellent self-position. Admittedly（该次有让步，负面转折的意思，不应该用在这）, professors know the recent tendency of major development.With the help of professors, the（去掉the） students are likely to （少个动词）what is the most promising job in the future market andwhat is most prevalenttechnology nowadays. If weare keen on making achievements rapidly in our major, frequentcommunication is wise access.
 In sum, granted the presentation ofadvantages above, it is necessary for professors to educate students. This notonly helps students to absorb more knowledge as soon as possible, but also todefine the students’ job intention and goal in the future.

楼主的语言比我好太多，强大呀~~学习之~~~
开头的三个反问句如果可以和下文的论点对会更好吧
还有我觉得多往题目上扯两句，不容易跑题
段里的每句话间最好也有较强的逻辑关系~~立论句最好不要那么复杂哦~~~

hjl80959

8.9综合
The lecturer is taking about the ecocertification, he believes that the American companies are bound to seek the ecocertification for the wood product. This lecture refutes the reading passage thoroughly.
       Firstly, the reading passage reckons that as American consumers are always exposed to the advertisements, which results in the untrust from consumers, even the ecocertification product. On the contrary, the speaker considers that the products that have the ecocertification are different from other products. People have more confidence on such products. This directly contradicts what the passage suggests.
       Secondly, the passage explains that ecocertified wood will be more expensive than normal wood, thus the consumers tend to choose cheaper ones. However, the lectures argues that unless the price of ecocertified wood is much higher than the unecocertified one, the American prefer to buy the recycling material as their awareness of nature preservation enhances day by day. This is another point where go against the passage.
       Thirdly, the author suggests it is only significant for the output American wood businesses to obtain the certification. This is against the lecture that in order to avoid foreign corporation to encroach the domestic market in the USA, the American company definitely are necessary to improve their competiveness versus the foreign companies.

小兔爱twins

88综合 值得学习
内容没有问题 细节都有 结构很ok
建议尽量少用阅读原文的话会很更高分！！