【写作小分队acrophobiahy的作文贴】

acrophobiahy

跟随大家的脚步，一起加入写作小分队，共同进步~~

晨依Jacqueline

欢迎~~

Alen2012

加油，你的作文呢。我也要开始写作了。

acrophobiahy

加油，你的作文呢。我也要开始写作了。

-- by 会员 Alen2012 (2012/5/8 21:40:36)

恩，我刚好听完戴云的独立写作部分，也决定开始写作文了。我们结伴一起加油吧~~

acrophobiahy

Somejobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family andfriends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow employees staying with family andfriend. Which job do you prefer? Why?

Topic:
选择高收入的工作
Supportingdetails:
1.是一个体验社会，学会独立的机会
2.能够建立一个较好的经济基础，改善生活条件
3.远离家人、朋友可能带来沟通问题，会因为高科技和交通而被解决

As the result of the cumulative effect of so many years ofrecession and slow growth, we've seen a lot of people lose their jobs andhomes, including our family and friends. Now, one of the most serious problemsthat many people talk about centers on the difficulty of employment. Thoughthere are still some jobs available, we realize that few of them is an idealjob. Sometimes, you have to make a hard choice between high salaries andstaying with your family and friends. From my perspective, I'd like to choosethe one which can pay high salaries but require me to leave my family andfriends.

First and foremost, it’sa good chance for me to experience the society and become financiallyindependent. For most of us teenagers, before stepping out of the ivory tower,we are well shield by our parents, teachers and friends, and thus we cannothelp but feel vulnerable when faced with some new and bitter difficulties. Now,it's the time for me to go outside the tower and experience the world on myown. Having a job, which makes you away form your family and friends wouldforce me to deal with everything on my own. I have to learn how to get wellwith my new colleagues, how to regularly set aside my money to save, and so on.Only in this way, can I grow up physically and mentally, become brave enough toface the unexpected challenges in the future, and turn capable enough tocomplete greater achievement. So, staying away with family and friends isactually helpful for my development.

In addition, it's an economically practical choice, for thereason that the high salaries can also assist me to establish a better livingcondition for my family and me. What happens to my cousin informs me thatwithout enough money as a basis, one cannot improve his or her standard ofliving. He made a different choice from me, choosing a job which allows him tostay with his family and friends but pay just a little salary; though 3 yearshave passed, he has saved little from his income, and even sometimes he has toborrow money from his parents to support his own life, which place a burden onhis parents. if I have a high salary, things would be different. I can not onlyimprove my own living conditions but also provide my parents with a highquality of life. For example, I can save amount of money as the funds of theirjourney to realize their dream of having a trip to France. They would be prideof having a daughter as me.

Last not least, thanks to the advanced technical devices andrapid transportation, there is nothing to worry about that having a job faraway would make it inconvenient to keep in touch with their family and friends.If I miss a friend, just turn on the computer, and then we can chat online, nomatter where I am. And it is also convenient to go back home by train or byplane on weekends, especially in big holidays. So distance does not matter alot.

In a nutshell, I prefer a job which pay a high salary butrequire me to leave my family and friends, because it is not only agood chance to experience the society, but also an economically practicalchoice to improve my living condition. Moreover, distance is not a problem due to the advanced technicaldevices and rapid transportation.

晨依Jacqueline

趁没有被发现的时候赶快把手机黑白版修改为彩色版~

As the result of the cumulative effect of so many years ofrecession and slow growth, we've seen a lot of people lose(losing/lost?) their jobs andhomes, including our family and friends. Now, one of the most serious problemsthat many people talk about centers on the difficulty of employment. Thoughthere are still some jobs available, we realize that few of them is an(注意单复数few of them是复数形式) idealjob. Sometimes, you(前面是we后面是you说的) have to make a hard choice between high salaries andstaying with your family and friends. From my perspective, I'd like to choosethe one which can pay high salaries but require me to leave my family andfriends.

First and foremost, it’sa good chance for me to experience the society and become financiallyindependent. For most of us teenagers, before stepping out of the ivory tower,(象牙塔这个说的很好，不过不知道老外这么说吗、)we are well shield by our parents, teachers and friends, and thus we cannothelp but feel vulnerable when faced with some new and bitter difficulties. Now,it's the time for me to go outside the tower and experience the world on myown. Having a job, which makes you away form your family and friends wouldforce me to deal with everything on my(这里面既有your又有my有点乱，注意下啊) own. I have to learn how to get wellwith my new colleagues, how to regularly set aside my money to save, and so on.Only in this way, can I grow up physically and mentally, become brave enough toface the unexpected challenges in the future, and turn capable enough tocomplete greater achievement(s). So, staying away with family and friends isactually helpful for my development.

In addition, it's(有点让人不知道指的是什么)an economically practical choice, for thereason that the high salaries can also assist me to establish a better livingcondition for my family and me(可以写the whole family). What happens to my cousin informs me thatwithout enough money as a basis, one cannot improve his or her standard ofliving. He made(注意时态啊，前面后面都是现在时呢) a different choice from me, choosing a job which allows him tostay with his family and friends but pay(这里应该是be paid或者get吧) just a little salary; though 3 yearshave(has?主语是时间，我不大确定...) passed, he has saved little from his income(我觉得说的不是很地道呢、), and even sometimes he has(had吧) toborrow money from his parents to support his own life, which place a burden onhis parents. (If)if I have(是不是想用虚拟啊？那就是had) a high salary, things would be different. I can not onlyimprove my own living conditions but also provide my parents with a highquality of life. For example, I can save amount of money as the funds of theirjourney to realize their dream of having a trip to France. They would be prideof having a daughter as(as后面是加句子的) me.

Last (but) not least, thanks to the advanced technical devices andrapid transportation, there is nothing to worry about(我忘记听谁说的了尽量少用there be句型) that having a job faraway would make it inconvenient to keep in touch with their(指代不明) family and friends.If I miss a friend, (I will)just turn on the computer, and then we can chat(I can chat with my friend) online, nomatter where I am. And it is also convenient to go back home by train or byplane on weekends, especially in big(long?important?) holidays. So distance does not matter alot.(这个有点口语化的感觉)


In a nutshell, I prefer a job which pay(S) a high salary butrequire me to leave my family and friends(这里尽量换一个和开头不一样的表达来首尾呼应), because it is not only agood chance to experience the society, but also an economically practicalchoice to improve my living condition. Moreover, distance is not a problem due to the advanced technicaldevices and rapid transportation.



我觉得标点符号部分好像打的有点怪怪的……不过不是主要的。整体来说，思路清晰，词汇也很棒，我觉得第一次写作文可以写到这个程度真的很好了！有一个小问题是文章里面you和we用的比较乱，还有指代问题和时态这些小细节，另外结尾的话感觉可以再修改修改，不只是前面的一个总结，最好可以升华一下！

acrophobiahy

Some jobs can pay high salaries but requireemployees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries butallow employees staying with family and friend. Which job do you prefer? Why?

Topic:
选择高收入的工作
Supporting details:
1.是一个体验社会，学会独立的机会
2.能够建立一个较好的经济基础，改善生活条件
3.远离家人、朋友可能带来沟通问题，会因为高科技和交通而被解决

As the result of the cumulative effect of so many years ofrecession and slow growth, we've seen a lot of people lose their jobs and homes,including our family and friends. Now, one of the most serious problems thatmany people talk about centers on the difficulty of employment. Though thereare still some jobs available, we realize that few of them isan ideal job. Sometimes, wehave to make a hard choice between high salaries and staying with our familyand friends. From my perspective, I'd like to choose the one which can pay highsalaries but require me to leave my family and friends.

First and foremost, it’sa good chance for me to experience the society and become financiallyindependent. For most of us teenagers, beforestepping out of the ivory tower,we are well shielded by our parents, teachers and friends, and thus we cannothelp but feel vulnerable when faced with some new and bitter difficulties. Now,it's time for me to go outside the towerand experience the world on my own. Having a job, which can make me away from myfamily and friends, would force me to deal with everything on my own. I have tolearn how to get well with my new colleagues, how to regularly set aside mymoney to save, and so on. Only in this way, can I grow up physically andmentally, become brave enough to face the unexpected challenges in the future,and turn capable enough to complete greater achievements. So, staying away withfamily and friends is actually helpful for my development.

In addition, it's an economically practical choice, for thereason that the high salaries can also assist me to establish a better livingcondition for the whole family. Whathave happened to my cousin informs me that without enough money as a basis, onecannot improve his or her standard of living. He madea different choice from me, choosing a job which allowed him to stay with hisfamily and friends but paid just a little salary; though 3 years have passed,he has saved little money, and even sometimes he has to borrow money from hisparents to support his own life, which places a burden on his parents. If I hada high salary, things would be different. I can not only improve my own livingconditions but also provide my parents with a high quality of life. Forexample, I can save amount of money as the fund of their journey to realizetheir dream of having a trip to France. They would be pride of me.

Last not least,perhaps it was actually difficult to for people to keep in touch with eachother before when living in two different cities. However, thanks to the advancedtechnical devices and rapid transportation, things are quite different and thelong distance cannot set up a barrier between you and your family and friendsany longer. Ifwe miss each other, just turn on the computer, and then we can chat online, nomatter where I am. And it is also convenient to go back home by train or byplane on weekends, especially in specialholidays.


In a nutshell, I prefer a jobwhich pays a high salary but requireme to leave my family and friends, because it is not only a good chance toexperience the society, but also an economically practical choice to improve myliving condition. Moreover, distance is not a problem due to the advancedtechnical devices and rapid transportation.

acrophobiahy

我觉得标点符号部分好像打的有点怪怪的……不过不是主要的。整体来说，思路清晰，词汇也很棒，我觉得第一次写作文可以写到这个程度真的很好了！有一个小问题是文章里面you和we用的比较乱，还有指代问题和时态这些小细节，另外结尾的话感觉可以再修改修改，不只是前面的一个总结，最好可以升华一下！

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/5/15 13:03:28)

晨依，Ｏ（∩＿∩）Ｏ谢谢你帮忙批改作文，好详细啊～～
还有几个问题请教～～

1. ｔｅｅｎａｇｅｒ? 我们正处于的阶段应该用什么表示呢？这个词是不是对我们来说已经“过时”了啊？
   

ｉｖｏｒｙ　ｔｏｗｅｒ　这个词英语中真有，我觉得可能是由英文翻译过来的。我是听哈佛幸福课时学到的。相对的是ｍａｉｎ　ｓｔｒｅｅｔ，　估计是指社会了。

最后的结尾，想了半天，额，脑子有点木掉了，还不知如何升华一下，能否给点建议？？

acrophobiahy

2012-05-24
Spendingmoney on traveling is better than saving money for future use.
As the result of the cumulative effect of so many years ofrecession and slow growth, we've seen a lot of people lose their jobs and homesand become tough to support their daily life. Though things are different andeconomics are beginning to revive and prosper again,   the financial crisis which broke in theUnited States in 2008 has made a deep impression on most people and forcedpeople to introspect their habits of money management. Some people insist
that investment onvacations would be a better choice than saving money for future use, for it isa good form of rest and relaxation. However, from my perspective, after rationalanalysis, it is better for people to save sufficient amounts of money forfuture use.
Admittedly, spending money on traveling is a nice choice forsome people, especially those who have amounts of stress, for it is a good formto handle with stress. Take  managers forexample, who are liable to work overload or suffer too much criticism fromtheir workers, if they spare some time, go to their favorite places and take alittle pastime, such as  a beach to walkon, a stream to fish in, or a game to play with friends, the feelings of stresswould be easily relieved.
However, when compared with saving money for future use,spending money on vacations is less valuable.
First and foremost, we should save enough money in case forfuture emergencies and accidents. As we all know, no one can predict what willtake place tomorrow, let alone the future. What if we suffered anotherfinancial crisis, just like the financial crisis that broke out in UnitedStates in 2008?  What if one of ourfamily members caught up with a heart disease and needed an operation?  If it was the case, it would be tough for usto deal with all these scenarios. However, if we had saved enough money, thingswould be different. we can have the capability to support the whole family andalleviate their physiological strains/mental stress.
Moreover,   travelingmight not be the most important and desirable for some people, and they havesomething else that is worthwhile to speed money on in their future, such asdreams. For instance, I 've been dreaming to open my own cafeteria in 5 years.In order to realize my dream, i have been working hard to save money for thefund for a cafeteria, and then speeding money on traveling seems luxurious forme. In my opinion, it is worthwhile to sacrifice some instant happiness on theway to realize my dream.
Furthermore, saving money for future use can also ensureus  good living conditions afterretirement. If we spend money as soon as we’ve earned it, then it can be reallytroublesome after we retire. When we were retired, we would nearly have noincome, and then without enough money saved, we can just have a very tightbudget and even live under the aid of social security.
In a nutshell, though traveling is worthwhile, I cannotclaim that spending money on vacations is better than saving money for futureuse. Considering the unpredictable future, I think it is wise to save enoughmoney in case for future need. At the same time, something, such as a dream,might be more valuable for us to save money to invest on in the future.

婷婷connie

5.24 独立改文~
2012-05-24
Spendingmoney on traveling is better than saving money for future use.

第一次给acrophobiahy改文~挑错来了

红色错误，蓝色疑问，黄色高亮
As the result of the cumulative effect of so many years ofrecession and slow growth, we've seen a lot of people lose their jobs and homesand(？) become tough to support their daily life. Though things are different andeconomics are(is)beginning to revive and prosper again, the financial crisis which broke(broke out)in theUnited States in 2008 has made a deep impression on most people and forcedpeople to introspect their habits of money management. Some people insistthat investment onvacations would be a better choice than saving money for future use, for it isa good form of rest and relaxation. However, from my perspective, after rational analysis, it is better for people to save sufficient amounts of money forfuture use.


Admittedly, spending money on traveling is a nice choice forsome people, especially those who have amounts of stress(are under heavy stress这么表达感觉好一点~), for it is a good formto handle with stress. Take managers forexample, who are liable to work overload or suffer too much criticism fromtheir workers（employees下属）, if they spare some time, (and)go to their favorite places and take alittle pastime, such as a beach to walkon, a stream to fish in, or a game to play with friends, the feelings of stresswould be easily relieved.


However, when compared with saving money for future use,spending money on vacations is less valuable.


First and foremost, we should save enough money in case for（of）future emergencies and accidents. As we all know, no one can predict what willtake place tomorrow, let alone the future. What if we suffered anotherfinancial crisis, just like the financial crisis that broke out in (the) UnitedStates in 2008? What if one of ourfamily members caught up with a heart(cardiac)disease and needed an operation? If it was the case, it would be tough for usto deal with all these scenarios. However, if we had saved enough money, thingswould be different. we can have the capability to support the whole family andalleviate their physiological strains/mental stress.


Moreover, travelingmight not be the most important and desirable for some people, and they havesomething else that is worthwhile to speed(spend) money on in their future, such asdreams. For instance, I 've(I have) been dreaming to open my own cafeteria in 5 years.In order to realize my dream, i(I) have been working hard to save money for thefund for a cafeteria, and then speeding(spending)money on traveling seems (a)luxurious forme(form). In my opinion, it is worthwhile to sacrifice some instant happiness on theway to realize my dream.


Furthermore, saving money for future use can also ensureus good living conditions afterretirement. If we spend money as soon as we’ve earned it, then it can be reallytroublesome after we retire. When we were retired, we would nearly have noincome, and then without enough money saved, we can just have a very tightbudget and even (have to) live under the aid of social security.


In a nutshell, though traveling is worthwhile(attractive/intriguing), I cannotclaim that spending money on vacations is better than saving money for futureuse. Considering the unpredictable future, I think it is wise to save enoughmoney in case for future need. At the same time, something, such as a dream,might be more valuable for us to save money to invest on(感觉不需要) in the future.



Conclusion:

Good, applauds~ ~ ~

1. There are so many words in your article, do pay attention of the management of time.

2. Good vocabulary

3. be careful with some firmed collocation