【写作小分队acrophobiahy的作文贴】

acrophobiahy

我是music，抱歉啊，我的作文貌似要晚些，今天晚上？  发出来吧。。。
6.6的作业，由于我今天加班写paper，居然还没写，。。实在抱歉啊！！！
多谢你修改噢for me！

-- by 会员 jiaosisisisi (2012/6/7 17:59:16)

没事没事～～
要加油哦

h14zpsn

白天没时间~~~现在马上改了哈~~

6月6日110198 ML
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Food in the past was much healthier than today.

We are what we eat, as the proverb say. When we decidewhich foods to eat and how to prepare them, our choices do much more thanplease our taste buds - they also affect our health.（这里的they感觉有点指代不明啊，如果再用一次food会不会更好些呢。） Food and healthis the （这里感觉应该用a，不应该特指啊）topic of endlessdiscussion, which also brings about some controversy. （这里会不会说Food andhealth is a controversial topic of endless discussion会更好些呢？）Some people claim thatfood in the past is much healthier than today, for both foodstuff itself andthe cooking methods are more natural. From my perspective, thanks to the rapidadvance of technology, and the government supervision on food safety, it's notsurprising that the food today are（food泛指的话是不可数名词） much healthier.（safer和healthier直接画等价可能有点唐突。作者可以再用一句来做连接啊）

The development of technology enables us to haveincredible variety of food, which satisfies our increasing need of thedifferent kinds of nutrition. As we all know, some critical nutrition, such asprotein, vitamin and calcium, are mostly acquired through balanced diets.However, due to the lack of food, people in the past may find it hard to meettheir need of energy input, let alone to have adequate nutrition.（这里的let alone to have adequatenutrition是不是一个fragment了呀~） As a result, numerous people sufferednutritional deficiency. Fortunately, advanced agronomic techniques make itpossible for us to easily attain abundant food. At the same time, the convenienttransportation system has ensured the freshness(最好加个of food). We can easilypickup vegetables, fruits and dairy products according to our need（需求的话还是用复数吧这里）.
Furthermore, along with the increasing（有用过increasing了，可以换做growing） awareness of the significance of foodhealth, the government has attached greater importance to the issue（Greater importance?这个不是很理解啊）. Governmentagencies has（have） take the responsibilities for settingfood safety standards, conducting inspections, ensuring the standards are met,and maintaining a strong enforcement program to deal with those who do notcomply with standards. For example, on January 4, 2011, the Food SafetyModernization Act(FSMA) was signed into law by President Obama, which enablesthe Food and Drug Administration(FDA) to protect public health by strengtheningthe food safety system. It allows FDA to focus more on the (这个the多余了)preventing food safety problems, ratherthan reacting to the problems after they occur. Under the severe protection ofthe government, it's not surprising that the food today is healthier than inthe past, when little attention was paid on food safety.

Last but not least, some new professions, such asdietitians and nutritionists, have come up nowadays. They are experts in foodand nutrition. They work in hospitals, cafeterias or schools, advising peopleon what to eat in order to lead a healthy life. With their help, people areable to know how to select and prepare food in a scientific and healthy way.Moreover, universities also offer the courses in food and health and relatedtraining for those who want to become a dietitian or nutritionist in thefuture.

Though the advantages of food now are considerable, we shouldnever deny that food in the past has some minor advantages. Food in the past ismore natural with little contamination. Comparatively, we eat junk food,non-nutritional food sometimes. However, if we treat it properly and buildhealthy eating habits, the problems can be neglected（应该用avoid，neglect有种主观忽视的意思）.

In a nutshell, with the help of advanced technology andthe severe supervision of the government, there's no doubt that the food wehave today is much healthier.

文章写的很赞啊···里面的很多观点跟结构都很有说服力。尤其是那个FDA的例子，很能体现出作者表达的主要的意思。lol, 我压根就不知道这码事情啊~~~~楼主的文章也给了我很大的启发~~~受教了~~~~

jiaosisisisi

http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-667143-1-1.html  
thanks

acrophobiahy

文章写的很赞啊···里面的很多观点跟结构都很有说服力。尤其是那个FDA的例子，很能体现出作者表达的主要的意思。lol, 我压根就不知道这码事情啊~~~~楼主的文章也给了我很大的启发~~~受教了~~~~

-- by 会员 h14zpsn (2012/6/7 23:04:06)

谢谢你帮忙批改，你的建议很有用呢，很多都是我自己没有察觉的到的～～

其实里面的例子也是我在网上查到了，自己知道的例子太少了，现在不计时写作，多多积累点吧～～




When we decide which foods to eat and how to prepare them, our choices do much more than please our taste buds - they also affect our health.（这里的they感觉有点指代不明啊，如果再用一次food会不会更好些呢。）
这里的ｔｈｅｙ并不是指ｆｏｏｄ，而是指代ｏｕｒ　ｃｈｏｉｃｅｓ，你再瞧一瞧，是吧~~

Food and health is the （这里感觉应该用a，不应该特指啊，恩恩，是我错了）topic of endless discussion, which also brings about some controversy. （这里会不会说Food andhealth is a controversial topic of endless discussion会更好些呢？）

（safer和healthier直接画等价可能有点唐突。作者可以再用一句来做连接啊）
的确，我还是直接改为ｆｏｏｄ　ｈｅａｌｔｈ　吧

However, due to the lack of food, people in the past may find it hard to meettheir need of energy input, let alone to have adequate nutrition.（这里的let alone to have adequatenutrition是不是一个fragment了呀~）
Let alone
let alone  更不用提；更别说
我这里的确错了，应该将to 去掉
“Their ancestors had been dirt poor and never saw royalty, let alone hung around with them”(Garrison Keillor)
“他们的祖先穷得要命，从来没有见过王族成员，更不用说和他们在一起了”(加里森·谢勒)
There isn't enought room for us, let alone six dogs and a cat
I haven't decided on the menu yet, let alone bought the food.
I haven't decided where to go, let alone when to leave.

Furthermore, along with the increasing（有用过increasing了，可以换做growing,你真的好认真地批改，谢谢你） awareness of the significance of food　health, the government has attached greater importance to the issue（Greater importance?这个不是很理解啊）. 改成focus more attention on 如何？

acrophobiahy

6月8日100306 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to solve theproblems of the present and the future, people should review the past.

History is a topic of endless discussion, which involvessome controversy. Some people claim that we are prisoners of the pastexperiences, for they limit our ideas and innovations. However, the others holdan opposite opinion, thinking those who control the past control the future. Frommy perspective, I agree with the latter and support the idea that we shouldreview the past, when we solve the problems of the present and the future.

First and foremost, what happened in the past offers abundantinformation of the existing problems, which allows us have a thorough and deepunderstanding of causes of the problems, and even provides the answers. Whenyou go into a doctor's office for the first time, you inevitably have to fillout an information sheet that asks about your medical history. Some of theforms are very detailed, asking questions that require information rarely accessedmemory banks. Why does a doctor ask these questions? The doctor is trying toconstruct an accurate picture of your state of heath, which is heavilyinfluenced by the past. Then, the doctor can understand better about the causesof your symptom and make an accurate diagnosis. This is a good case in point.As we all know, in most cases, past behaviors, past experiences and even aparticular event happened hundreds years ago might be the determinants topresent problems. Thus reviewing the past is necessary in the process of solvingthe existing problems.

Obviously, what happened in the past provides clues to thecurrent problems, and thus reviewing the past should be the premises of solvingthe problems. Apart from this, it also helps us better understand the future.

By looking at what has happened, we can predict what maytake place in the foreseeable future, and how to avoid some imminent calamity.Firstly, reviewing the past, we can clearly understand how things are relatedto one another, which help us predict the future. For example, if there is extremerepression of the people in a certain country over many years, there willprobably be some people who will take the stand to fight back. Moreover, whatwe have learned form the past can assist us help out similar situations. If weavoid problems that we have done, such as the Great Depression, we won't have to deal with that ever again.

Though the advantages of reviewing the past areconsiderable, we should never deny its minor advantages. Just as some peoplemaintain, we might become the prisoners of our experience. However, if we paymore attention to improve our analytical mind, and keep calm when faced withdifficulties, the problem can be avoided.

In a nutshell, we should not neglect the importance ofreviewing the past, for it is the premises of solving the problem of thepresent and the past.  It not onlyprovide clues to the problem, but also help us out similar situations in thefuture.
字数：４９０
时间：不计时

vanessa923

改晚了，见谅哈！
红色是改的。黄色背景的是好词好句。蓝色表疑问。
History is a topic of endless discussion, which involvessome controversy（contraversies). Some people claim that we are prisoners of the pastexperiences, for they limit our ideas and innovations. However, the others holdan opposite opinion, thinking those who control the past control(个人举得前面用了control的话这里就最好避免重复用了。考虑一下用have a grip of 吧，我今天刚学的。呵呵） the future. Frommy perspective, I agree with the latter and support the idea that we shouldreview the past, （去掉）when we solve the problems of the present and the future.

First and foremost, what happened in the past offers abundantinformation of the existing problems, which allows us have a thorough and deepunderstanding of causes of the problems, and even provides the answers. Whenyou go into a doctor's office for the first time, you inevitably have to fillout an information sheet that asks about your medical history. Some of theforms are very detailed, asking questions that require information rarely accessed memory banks（表示没看懂）. Why does a doctor ask these questions? The doctor is trying toconstruct an accurate picture of your state of heath（形象！学习了！）, which is heavilyinfluenced by the past. Then, the doctor can understand better（我一般都是用better understand。。better修饰understand，不知道哪种更好？） about the causesof your symptom and make an accurate diagnosis. This is a good case in point.As we all know, in most cases, past behaviors, past experiences and even aparticular event happened hundreds years ago might be the determinants topresent problems. Thus reviewing the past is necessary in the process of solvingthe existing problems.

Obviously, what happened in the past provides clues to thecurrent problems, and thus reviewing the past should be the premises of solvingthe problems. Apart from this, it also helps us better understand the future.（我觉得这个过渡段用得很好，承上启下！）

By looking at what has happened, we can predict what maytake place in the foreseeable future, and how to avoid some imminent calamity.Firstly, reviewing the past, we can clearly understand how things are relatedto one another, which help us predict the future. For example, if there is extremerepression of the people in a certain country over many years, there willprobably be some people who will take the stand to fight back.（我觉得这个例子和论点不是很配，可能表达详细点会更好。你可以说历史上发生了什么暴乱啊，于是新的政府联想过去决定要民主啊等等。） Moreover, whatwe have learned form the past can assist us help out similar situations. If weavoid（是想表达解决的意思么？） problems that we have done, such as the Great Depression, we won't have to deal with that ever again.

Though the advantages of reviewing the past areconsiderable, we should never deny its minor advantages（呵呵，亲，disadvantages）. Just as some peoplemaintain, we might become the prisoners of our experience. However, if we paymore attention to improve（我觉得可以换个词，develop） our analytical mind, and keep calm when faced withdifficulties, the problem can be avoided.

In a nutshell, we should not neglect the importance ofreviewing the past, for it is the premises of solving the problem of thepresent and the past.  It not onlyprovide（s） clues to the problem, but also help us out（of） similar situations in thefuture.

总结：
1，语言通顺具体，说服力强。字数好强悍！
2.除了讲理，可以再多加些生活中的更形象的例子作为论据，会更加分的（呵呵我慢慢摸索出来的）
3，整体不错，继续加油哈！

acrophobiahy

6月10日100312 NA

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To make children do well at school, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV.

More fondly known as the "idiot box", television has become an indispensable member of almost every single family on our planet. And the television effect on children is a topic of endless discussion, which involves lots of controversy. On the one hand, television keeps children aware of current events and cultural experiences, which open doors of the world in their mind. On the other hand, however, it has become the nightmare for parents, for children might become more of a couch potato, with many physical and mental problems. For my perspective, with all aspects considered, parents should limit the television time for their kids in order to make them do well at school.


First and foremost, the growth of time spent next to the TV-set scales up the development of aggression, which have been proved by statistics. Many years before, children regard their parents as the examples of imitation; now these examples come form hit-thrillers and violent films where personages are exaggerated and garbled. In combination with the fact that children don't evaluate what they see and they just take is as the reality, the large amount of violence presented in television might lead them into a wrong perception: people can gain what they want through being stronger and subordinating other people, and they can become popular through killing. Nowadays, instead of playing leap-and-frog at school, children pretend to be "terminators" and run around "killing" each other. Sometimes, they even bully their classmates to get what they want, and the case is not rare.

Moreover, devoting too much time towards watching television also leads to poor academic performance. Just take my little sister for example. many advertisements and programs shown on the television focus on beauty products and physical beauty, shifting her interest from study. In order to spare more time watching her favorite dramas, such as “Secrete Circle” and “the Vampire Diary”, when she came back home, she used to complete her homework rapidly, regardless of its quality. What’s more, even at school, she talked with her friends about the gorgers heroines, whose faces and bodies look like a complete perfection. And she started to pay more attention to her overall outlook.  As a result, she fell behind the other students in her class, and have a bad grade during the exam last semester. So limiting the television time should be necessary for children's study.

Admittedly, though the disadvantages of devoting too much time watching television is considerable, we should never deny its advantages. Watching education programs on television help the kids use it effectively. And television also gives exposure to children on different cultural experience, which can broaden their minds.  
In a nutshell, watching television do benefits children in some degree, but television also an evil for children, considering its bad effects on both children's physical and mental health. For the purpose of making children perform well at school, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on TV.

nirvanababy

红色改错，高亮是写得好的。

More fondly known as the "idiot box", television has become an indispensable member of almost every single family on our planet. And the television effect on children is a topic of endless discussion, which involves lots of controversy（controversies）. On the one hand, television keeps children aware of current events and cultural experiences, which open doors of the world in their mind. On the other hand, however, it has become the nightmare for parents, for children might become more of a couch potato（和前面的children要保持一致）, with many physical and mental problems. For my perspective, with all aspects considered, parents should limit the television time for their kids in order to make them do well at school.


First and foremost, the growth of time spent next to the TV-set scales upthe development of aggression, which have（has, 指代的是前面一整句吧） been proved by statistics. Many years before, children regard their parents as the examples of imitation; now these examples come form（from） hit-thrillers and violent films where personages are exaggerated and garbled. In combination with the fact that children don't evaluate what they see and they just take is as the reality, the large amount of violence presented in television might lead them into a wrong perception: people can gain what they want through being stronger and subordinating other people, and they can become popular through killing. Nowadays, instead of playing leap-and-frog at school, children pretend to be "terminators" and run around "killing" each other. Sometimes, they even bully their classmates to get what they want, and the case is not rare.

Moreover, devoting too much time towards watching television also leads to poor academic performance. Just take my little sister for example. many advertisements and programs shown on the television focus on beauty products and physical beauty, shifting her interest from study. In order to spare more time watching her favorite dramas,such as “Secrete Circle” and “the Vampire Diary”, when she came back home, she used to complete her homework rapidly, regardless of its quality. What’s more,even at school, she talked with her friends about the gorgers heroines, whose faces and bodies look like a complete perfection.And she started to pay more attention to her overall outlook.  As a result, she fell behind the other students in her class, and have a bad grade during the exam last semester. So limiting the television time should be necessary for children's study.

Admittedly, though the disadvantages of devoting too much time watching television is considerable, we should never deny its advantages. Watching education programs on television help the kids use it effectively. And television also gives exposure to children on different cultural experience, which can broaden their minds.  
In a nutshell, watching television do benefits children in some degree, but television also an evil for children, considering its bad effects on both children's physical and mental health. For the purpose of making children perform well at school, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on TV.

文章写得很好！逻辑清晰，论述也非常好，有很多地道的表达值得学习~！小问题下次多注意就好啦~

acrophobiahy

As we all know, the roles and responsibilities of professorsare closely tied to the central functions of high education. According to adeclaration, which is formulated in 2000 by a representative committee ofcollege and university faculty members, the function of colleges anduniversities are " to promote inquiry and advance the sum of humanknowledge, and to develop experts in various fields". Correspondingly,professors should undertake teaching and research roles to carry out academicwork. However, the balance between the two roles differs widely amongprofessors, and this is a topic of endless discussion. From my perspective, themain role of professor should be to educate students.
First and foremost, the teaching roles of professors make agreat difference to the development of their students. It is acknowledged to usthat professors are the experts in some specific fields and students are regardas learners or novice to the fields. It is professors that disseminate andimpart basic and applied knowledge to their students, and assist them with the effectivelearning process.  All of these are beneficialfor students in their future study and work. However, if a professor pays mostof his attention to do research and ignores his teaching quality, studentsmight find it tough to understand the complicated equations and the abstruse technicalterms, which might make them, lose their interest in the field.
In addition, changes made in teaching quality by professorscan make a great contribution to high education. An event, happened in 1980s,can illustrate this point very well. At that time, the teaching role came underincreased scrutiny. Studies, such as Wingspreas Report, outlined the shortcomingsof high education. Some professors became to investigate the failures and eventuallydevelop new approaches to revitalizing teaching effectiveness, such as placingan emphasis on individual needs of students and paying more attention to experiment.Consequently, this development increase students' ability to consider andcritique, and enable students to undertake career positions.
Admittedly, though i believe that teaching should be givenpresence over research, I would not deny the importance of research. Throughsolving the existed tough problems, such as a solution to storage of solarenergy and a cure for cancer, professor might make important breakthroughs,which is beneficial for the society. However, as a student, from myperspective, i assert that the teaching role should be more important.
In nutshell, the teaching roles of professors benefit thedevelopment of students and the entire education. It should be given moreemphasis over research. But it doesn't mean that professor neglect their researchroles.

acrophobiahy

The lecturer claims that the United States can attractcustomers by receiving ecocertification. However, the claim is no in agreementwith the statement in the reading passage.
First of all, based on the fact that customers are exposedto too much advertising, the writer assumes without justification that theywill not value the ecocertification label. However, the lecturer points outthat customers would not treat all advertising the same, and they are able todistinguish the advertising made by companies for their own products andcertification issued by independent international organizations. If it is thecase, customers will trust the ecocertification label.
In addition, according to the result of a study, price determinescustomers' decision, only when the competing product is much higher or lower inprice. The lecturer argues that if there is little difference in price,customers will choose product on other factors, and customers preserve thevalue of protecting environment.
Finally, the lecture raises the issue that it is foreigncompetition that force American wood companies to keep up with the rest of theworld.  If American companies fail toattract the customers, who is interested in ecocertified wood products, foreigncompanies will take the advantage to enter the American market.
In a nutshell, the ideas made in the lecture contrast thepoints in the reading passage, which tend to prove the statement that UnitedStates is unlikely to receive ecocertification to attract customers.