【写作小分队】易雨水巷的作文贴~求大地震式的轰炸~thx

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误
It is widely acknowledged that everyone has goals. Some targets seem incredible while others are based on reality. From my perspective, people are supposed to attanch（attach?） importance to ambitious dreams. My contention can be supported by the following counterpoints.

First of all, generally speaking, success originates from ambitious goals. Form ancient times，greatest inventions have always been regarded as ridiculous jokes. Nevertheless, these dreams come true. A good example can be found in this case. At first, people were laughed at the Wright brothers’ goal and held the view that an airplane was just a dream. However, look at today. When flying in the air, we ought to appreciate that Late sticked to their ambitious targets. There is no denying that thanks to these ambitious dreams, we now lived a more convenient life.

In addition, it is the unrealistic targets that encourage people to work hard. If we set a goal on the basis of reality, we will not try our best because we know it will be realized easyly. On the contrary, aggressive goals impress us to do everything to realize them. To illustrate, I told myself to got A+ for all my courses last term. Thus, I concentrated on study day and night. No pain, no vain(独立的句子很突兀额). The result turned out to be that apart from pleasant grades, I enriched my knowledge as well. Instead, my roommate Lucy, just got C. After all, she just aimed to pass the exam. Aggressive targets stimulate our potentiality.

Admittedly, compared with realistic goals, aggressive dreams are more likely to fail. However, although we are unable to reach the original dreams, we can get better consequences than what realistic targets bring us. For instance, Arnold Schwarzenegger dreamed to be the present of America. Meanwhile, he spared no efforts to realize this target. Though finally, he did not achieve his dream, he became a governor of a state as well as a famous celebrity. Dreams may not come true but there are frequently pleasant surprises.

Just like the saying goes "Where there is a will, there is a way." (这个后面再加点什么好一点额)All in all, taken what I have mentioned above into consideration, personally, I believe that people should hold on their aggressive dreams.
整体无错，只是写的很匆忙额。

fairyfinger

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

sorry 昨天回来晚了，今天起床就跑过来改了：）

7.23

2010.3.12NADo you agree or disagree with the following statement? To make children do well at school, parents should limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

With the technology developing quickly, television has been an essential part of our daily life. Recently a hot discussion comes to surface about the hours which children spent on watching TV. Some parents assert that some television programs contribute to children's behavior（是想说bad performance么） at school and thus they have no occasion for blocking children watching TV. However, the rest and I hold a different attitude toward this issue. In my opinion, to ensure children's behavior in school, partents are supposed to limit the hours that kids spend on watching TV. Reasons are as follows.

To start with, without limitation, children are apt to be addicted to watching TV（直接可以说TV）. Once children get into this sort of bad habit, they cannot control themselves and just want to stay in the imaginary environment. Thus, there is no denying that they spend little time on studying. What is worse, they may be effected by some violent scenes which may lead them to be rude in realistic life. For instance, a research revealed that 80% parents regreted for letting it go （let go是放手放弃的意思呀）and finally resulted in their children’s' keen on TV. Unfortunately, their children did extremely bad at school. After all, instead of studying hard, these kids neglected learning, fought with classmates and so on. Parents should be responsible for avoiding their children be rapt in watching TV.

Furthermore, it does harm to youngsters' eyes for spending plenty of time on television. The young are in a long body and their eyes need carefully protection. Focusing on TV for a long time tremendously injure their eyes. An example is not far to be sought. My 9-year-old cousin, Jack, has to wear a pair of short-sighted glasses. This terrible consequence resulted from watching TV taking up about 8 hours every day when he was younger. My uncle once told me that he should had（should have) limited Jack's television time. In brief, for the sake of kids' eyes, please control their television time.
个人觉得这段偏题了

Admittedly, a few of television programs entertain us and widen our horizons. In view of this, it seems that spending certain time on watching TV is appropriate. Nevertheless, the majority of the programs are dull, flimsy as well as violent. I mean that, children are too young to tell these television programs. Take my own case as example. I used to watch TV plays of no worth. (这种表达有歧义，建议改成which are meaningless/uselss) Fortunately, my parents only allowed me to spend 2 hours on watching TV one day and instructed me to watch educational programs such as Scientific American’s 60-Second Science, otherwise I would be addicted to dull TV plays.
建议这段比较好的论证方式是看科学美国哪里使你受益。这样更支持你的论点

In a nutshell, from what has been discussed above, we can easily draw a conclusion that parents should attach importance on children’s' behaviors at school and limit the young's television time.

总的来说 思路比较清晰，就是感觉和do well in school 联系不够紧密。个人意见哈：）加油～！

易雨水巷

7.25 杜绝拖延症    
110304NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.

Recently, a hot discussion has appealed the public's attention, about whether the most significant problems will be coped with in our lifetime. People from every walk of life hold different attitudes toward this issue. Some declare that with the thechnology developing fast, these troubles are supposed to be handled ultimately in our lifetime. On the contrary, the rest believes that the most important problems will still exist even when we pass away. From my perspective, I am back up the later statement and reasons are as follows.

First and foremost, resource depletion will be more serious. In view of the reality, our world is confronted with terrible resource depletion. Economic development consumes resources such as mine, coal and so on. Our daily life relies on freshwater as well. However, these resources are not renewable. That is to say, once consumed, they are disappeared forever. Hence, the longer, the less resources. In other word, there are fewer resources available. To illustrate, a recent research conducted by Resource Research Department revealed that at the consuming speed, there will be only 2% available freshwater in next century, which is 5 percent nowadays. Under this circumstance, it seems like a joke to solve the resource depletion in our following days.

Aside from that, more environment disasters stroke our world constantly as well as more frequently. In the past, we pursued the economic development at the cost of environment. Subsequently, environment problems hit us one by one and wil be even more frequently in the following days. Take the global warming as an example. Without question, global warming is one of the most important problems in today's world and brings us high sea level, vast climate changes and so forth. What is worse, people continue cutting plants and destorying the Amazon rainforest. Factories still emit enormous carbon dioxide. In view of the less plants and more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, global warming are going to bring severer injuries more frequently as opposed to be dealt with in our lifetime.

Admittedly, some measures have been taken to control and cope with these most important problems. New resources are gradually applied. Sates around the world carry out a series of rules to protect the environment. Nonetheless, the fact is disappointing. These measures are not effective. New resources are expensive and need strict conditions. For instance, wind resources are supposed to be located at places where the wind is strong. In addition, the reality tells us we cannot count on environment-friendly rules to solve environmental problems. A good example is not far to seek. In 2009, states assumed at the Copenhagen to consult about solving environmental problems. However, states are unwilling to make sacrifice to agree on a final agreement. In brief, in consideration of these above behaviors, I believe although people attempt to solve the most important issues, we cannot make it in our lifetime.

To sum up, taken these factors into consideration, we can safely draw the conclusion that in our lifetime, we cannot handle the most important problems in today’s world.

fairyfinger

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

Recently, a hot discussion has appealed the public's attention, about whether the most significant problems will be coped with in our lifetime. People from every walk of life hold different attitudes toward this issue. Some declare that with the thechnology (technology) developing fast, these troubles are supposed to be handled ultimately in our lifetime. On the contrary, the rest believes that the most important problems will still exist even when we pass away. From my perspective, I am back up (back up为动词，I back 就可以了)the later statement and reasons are as follows.

First and foremost, resource depletion will be more serious. In view of the reality, our world is confronted with terrible resource depletion. Economic development consumes resources such as mine, coal and so on. Our daily life relies on freshwater as well. However, these resources are not renewable. That is to say, once consumed, they are disappeared (disappeared v.)forever. Hence, the longer, the less resources. In other word, there are fewer resources available. To illustrate, a recent research conducted by Resource Research Department revealed that at the consuming speed, there will be only 2% available freshwater in next century, which is 5 percent nowadays. Under this circumstance, it seems like a joke to solve the resource depletion in our following days.

Aside from that, more environment disasters stroke our world constantly as well as more frequently (两个more应该修饰同一个词类，前面修饰主语，后面修饰的是副词。这个是不是需要再想下如何表达~）. In the past, we pursued the economic development at the cost of environment. Subsequently, environment problems hit us one by one and wil be even more frequently in the following days. Take the global warming as an example. Without question, global warming is one of the most important problems in today's world and brings us high sea level, vast climate changes and so forth. What is worse, people continue cutting plants and destorying the Amazon rainforest. Factories still emit enormous carbon dioxide. In view of the less plants and more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, global warming are going to bring severer injuries more frequently as opposed to be dealt with in our lifetime.
觉得易雨侧重写了环境资源方面。
主要写了以后相比现在更不能解决这些问题。但并没有直接说明现在可以解决的原因。
Admittedly, some measures have been taken to control and cope with these most important problems. New resources are gradually applied. Sates around the world carry out a series of rules to protect the environment. Nonetheless, the fact is disappointing. These measures are not effective. New resources are expensive and need strict conditions. For instance, wind resources are supposed to be located at places where the wind is strong. In addition, the reality tells us we cannot count on environment-friendly rules to solve environmental problems. A good example is not far to seek. In 2009, states assumed at the Copenhagen to consult about solving environmental problems. However, states are unwilling to make sacrifice to agree on a final agreement. In brief, in consideration of these above behaviors, I believe although people attempt to solve the most important issues, we cannot make it in our lifetime.

To sum up, taken these factors into consideration, we can safely draw the conclusion that in our lifetime, we cannot handle the most important problems in today’s world.

总得来说文章行文很流畅。中心也很明确：）加油！！
我读的时候发现一些具体的例子给人很有说服力的感觉，我觉得这种多用用应该效果很好吧～～嘿

易雨水巷

7月27日Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should know the events happening around the world, even if it unlikely has some influence on your daily life.

Every day, there are enormous events happening around the world. People from divergent backgrounds hold different attitude toward these events. Some declare that it is enough for the average to notice what are associated with their daily life. Others assert that people ought to have knowledge of events happening around the world, even if these events unlikely influence their routine. From my perspective, I definitely stand up for the later assertion, which can be substantially supported by following reasons.

First and foremost, although events happening around the world may not affect our daily life, they are good social topics. I mean that, when chatting with others, these events happening around the world without question can be good topics. For instance, on 7th July, in Lucy's birthday party, I was embarssed for knowing nothing about which the guests were talking. My mind was full filled with nothing but the price changes of the basic necessities. On contrary, it seemed that Lucy know what was taking placing throughout the world and enjoyed a pleasing communication with guests. They discussed Francois Hollande the new president of　France, the sequent consequences of Iraq War and so on. Since then, I began to attach importance to events which had little impact on our daily life.

Furthermore, our homeland is part of the world and we, the host of our homeland should know incidents happening around the world, even if they have no relation with our daily life. We, the member of the country, are supposed to learn the environment where she is in. Thus, there is no denying that we have to get to know what is not related to our daily life, such as the international relationships, the military play and so on. Tom, one of my friends, is a good example. He is a common student but has a wide knowledge of event throughout the world from the president selection to international cooperations. From his standpoint, as a modern as well as responsible youngster, he should be prepared for protecting his motherland. To achieve this target, first importantly, he should know events happening throughout the world even if they make no sense on his daily life.

Admittedly, we are engaged in events which have close relation with our daily life. To illustrate, we must prepare for exams, take care of baby, and deal with work problems. We are too busy to pay attention to events that have no impact on our daily life. Nonetheless, if we do not know what the world is happening and be limited in our own little world, we will quickly be far behind of the world. An example can be found in this case. Qing dynasty was indicated in her own world and did not know the western world was taking a vast revelution. As a consequence, Qing dynasty paid a huge price for her close-door policy. After all, not only the Qing dynasty disappeared ultimately but also this land lived in an awful life in the following 5 decades.

In a nutshell, I can safely draw the conclusion that people ought to learn the events happening around the world, even if they unlikely influence our daily life, in consideration what I have mentioned above.

小兔爱twins

之前早上一直看没有哈 刚看到你贴上来~~我明早起来看哈 看完我就马上贴~~~

小兔爱twins

Every day, there areenormous events happening around the world（一上来就there be句型会不会不够亮啊 给你改一个也是模板,不过老师说是高亮的Nowadays,increasing focus comes to be attracted on the events happening around the world）. People from divergent backgrounds holddifferent attitude toward these events. Some declare that it is enough for theaverage to notice what are associated with their daily life. Others assert that people ought to have knowledge of events happening around theworld(我在写作的时候一直觉得一直重复会不会不太好呢,,, 后来发觉可以用 current events替换 ，， 或者给推荐一个老师说比较高分又加字数的模板On the other hand ,there is an opposition among others whoinsist that people ought to haveknowledge of current events), even if these eventsunlikely influence their +daily routine. From my perspective, I definitely stand up for the later assertion(assertion可以去掉, 或者Iperceive the later holds water), which can besubstantially supported by following reasons.
（模板痕迹有点重 我前几天也刚被人说。。）

First and foremost, although events happeningaround the world may not affect our daily life, they are good social topics. Imean ）（-that）, whenchatting with others, these events happening around the world without question（unconditionally） can be good topics.（分词短语转换为状语从句后，从句的主语与主句的主语一致）For instance, on 7th July, in Lucy's birthday party, I wasembarssed for knowing nothing about which the guests were talking. My mind wasfull filled with nothing but the price changes of the basic necessities. Oncontrary, it seemed that Lucy know what was taking placing throughout the world and enjoyed a pleasing communication with guests(该是it seemed that lucy knewand enjoyed吧,,, ).They discussed Francois Hollande the new president of France, the sequentconsequences of Iraq War and so on. Since then, I began to attach importance toevents which had little impact on our daily life.(楼主的例子比我写的有力多了!!!!我学去了哈~~~ )

Furthermore, our homeland ispart of the world and we, the host of our homeland(这里可以这样吧 Furthermore, our homeland ispart of the world. We, the host of our homeland,)  should know incidents替换的好 happening around the world,even if they have no relation with our daily life. We, the member of thecountry, are supposed to learn the environment where she is in. (我觉得有点怪,,不知道怎么改 )Thus, there is nodenying that we have to (-get to) know what is not related to our daily life, such as theinternational relationships, the military play and so on. Tom, one of myfriends, is a good example (这个用太多评卷人应该会腻吧) ( Taking my friend tom asan example), he is a common student buthas a wide knowledge of events throughout the world +ranging from the president selection to internationalcooperations. From his standpoint, as a modern as well as responsible youngster(我觉得有点怪 楼主找牛人问问), he should beprepared for protecting his motherland. To achieve this target, first 换most importantly, heshould know events happening throughout the world even if they make no sense(会不会用的太重了,,make no sense on life的话, 再关注会不会有些矛盾?)on his daily life.

Admittedly, + a minority ofindividuals tend to believe that we should  be engaged in（这个意思更偏向 忙于从事于 不如 focus on好） events which have close relation with our dailylife.(让步的点很好 我自己的弱爆了！！！！！ 学去了哈~~)  To illustrate, （这样的逻辑关系不如直接用because） we must（are occupied with用个词组替换~~ ）preparing for exams, taking care of baby, and dealing withwork problems. We are too busy to pay attention to events that have no impacton our daily life.  Nonetheless, （这里可以换个高分模板哈 However, those people haveoversimplified the real situation as we are involved in our own world, we will quicklybe out of times .）An example can be found in this case. Qing dynasty was indicated in （词组用不当我觉得。。。。）her(用its ) own world and did notknow the western world was taking a vast  revelution. As a consequence, Qing dynastypaid a huge price for her close-door policy.After all（毕竟？？？有点中式的表达这样感觉）, not only the Qing dynastydisappeared ultimately but also this land lived in an awful life in thefollowing 5 decades.（表达怪。。得找牛人再看看）

In a nutshell（可以去掉）, in consideration what Ihave mentioned above（提上来）.，I can safely draw theconclusion that people ought to learn the events happening around the world,even if they unlikely influence our daily life,

小兔爱twins

楼主的总体水平感觉比我自己写的好~~~ 我学到了不错的例子~~
不过用我们老师的话来说，，， 想上25分在句型还有表述啊用词方面得下功夫

易雨水巷

楼主的总体水平感觉比我自己写的好~~~ 我学到了不错的例子~~
不过用我们老师的话来说，，， 想上25分在句型还有表述啊用词方面得下功夫

-- by 会员 小兔爱twins (2012/7/29 7:50:50)

O(∩_∩)O哈哈哈~谢谢小兔的认真修改 学到了很多！水巷一会儿会将改过的文也发上来！
水巷就感觉自己的独立到了一个瓶颈，提高不上去。就是需要小兔这样的修改的！
谢谢！

小兔爱twins

其实我通过修改你的 我自己也学到很多~~你的文章写的风格跟我很像 赤裸裸的应试作文的样子 ~~所以改你的作文就像改自己的 ~~~希望以后有机会再次跟你互改哈