【写作小分队】易雨水巷的作文贴~求大地震式的轰炸~thx

易雨水巷

THX婷婷O(∩_∩)O
4.28根据婷婷意见修改版  紫色为修改部分

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students shouldbe more focused on the development of graduates than on the fame of professorswhen choosing university.

As everyone knows, high school students usually get into a dilemma about how topick out a proper college to attend(这个省去也不改变意思)【恩恩，去掉】. Some assertthat high school students are supposed to concentrate on the graduates'development to take a college for because（改成because） if graduates ina university have good future, they will be （also）also educated well as well.(这么写吧，要不然感觉怪怪的) 【两个well，确实感觉很怪，thx】Nonetheless, frommy perspective, the fame of professors ought to play a more important role inchoosing university and my reasons are as follows.

First of all, the high fame of professors in a school is also means a bettereducational environment.  Just as thesaying goes "A fine fowl perches only on a fine tree and a virtuousminister serves only a virtuous master." Excellent professors oftenpopulate in excellent universities. That is to say, if high school students goto colleges which consist of well-known professors, they will be thrown in an environment that is fullfilled with academic atmosphere and divergent resources. This contributes a lotto one’s development. Admittedly, graduates' development has a huge impact onthe following students, as if their development indicates the followings’future. However, in my opinion, individuals in an awesome environment,generally speaking, （seldom是不是少了个词？）[这个应该木有吧，awesome在这里用的是口语中的棒极了的意思]grow up to beexcellent graduates. If so, how come we do not choose a university according tothe fame of its professors?

In addition, professors who are spoken highly morelikely help their students a lot in building values and enhancing academic knowledge.good educates usually can ensure good educators（这句话没有很好地概括本段大意）. Professors, asyou can imagine, play a significant role in students' growth. To some length,it is professors in universities that lead you to be a good boy or not.Professors in colleges enjoy a high fame in society as well as their fields andunder their education, students are more likely to be a very famous andrespective people like their adore adoring（adoring） professors. Agood example is not far to seek.  rofessor Shang, one of the bestpsychologists in my country, teaches in the Peking University. What is moreimportant, a majority of his students is successful both in prestige as well ascareer.(再加上一个结论会更完整) Inbrief, good educates usually can ensure good educators.【啊哈，拿到下面来做小结论了】

【加一段让步吧，头一次写，很纠结额】Admittedly, thegraduates' development is associated a lot with colleges, which may be a factorin sorting out a school. After all, the development of graduates, to some extent,gives hints of the educational standard of a university. However, a good developmentmay depend on oneself. That is to say, one can develop well in a terribleenvironment like the poor little Jobs finally growing up to be one of therichest men in the world. Therefore, in fact the development of graduates isnot convincing enough. On the other hand, undergraduates could take anadvantage of famous professors to have a great development. Therefore, as faras I know, students should be more focused on the fame of professors ratherthan the development of graduates.

To sum up, from my point of view, there is no denyingthat whenpointing out college, students should be more focused on the fame of professorsthan the development of graduates. After all, high fame of a university’s professorsin general means a better educational environment and a guarantee of goodgraduates.

Conclusion:雨巷基本上都没有错误，模板用得很好，好帅的说！

        还是写三个主段吧，这样字数上就占优势了。

        逻辑上还要加强些哦，加油啦~

易雨水巷

4.25 根据霏霏意见修改版 thx 紫色为修改部分

As the society is fullfilled with fierce competition, individuals may inevitably encounter difficulties and get intotroubles(重复，删了吧). Under this circumstance, one requiresfriends to help him or her go through the hard time. I mean that Iextremely think making friends that will be helpful especially when we are inneed is more significant than choosing friends that could have fun with us. ( I thinkthat the statement is extremely ridiculous by claiming that ）the statement is ridiculous that making friends that will be helpfulespecially when we are in need. My view can be greatly substantiated by followingdiscussions.(与其否定观点，不如给肯定的)

To begin with, a friend in need is a friend indeed. This is an ancient proverb and itindicates that a real friend is the one to whom you can turnfor help. A good example is not far to seek. When preparing fortoday's TOEFL test(别扭),once I was so frustratedand even thought about to give up during my preparation of the TOFELexamination. I could not bear the disappointing fact that I always forgot the words I had learned in mind(没必要) by heart【额，我是要说背诵 learnby heart 写错了 囧】 before. One day, my consideratefriend, JiaJia, learned that I was warpedwith the countless English words. Then she not only encouraged me to hold onbut also did me a favor to deal with these enormous words.  At that time , every morning , the first sentence she greeted to me was not "Good morning" but "Come on, baby. You can make it!" Apart fromthat, she companied me to recite these word by designing particular word card, as well. Thanks to her help,I finally sit here to accomplish my exam. Incontrast, LeiLei, my another friend anotherfriend of mine（another friend of mine）, who went shopping with me every weekend before I determined to take a TOEFL test, left me alone and even did not say a comfortable conciliative word.（不确定这个可以这么用） Therefore, a real friend will help alot, while you can not count on a friend that could only have fun with.(例子占的篇幅太多)

In addition, friends thatwill help us when we fall into troubles may do good to the harmony of our society.you when you fall into troubles, will enhance our society's trust to other people.（enhance the harmony of our society）When a friend gives a hand to an individual, theindividual will spare no effort to do a favor to his or her another friend who is in need(太绝对，when someone obtain a help from a friends, itis probably that he or she may give a hand to another friend who is in adifficult situation). When an individual obtains a favorform one of his or her friends, it is possible that he or she give a hand toanother friend who is in a difficult situationl. Thus, the favor ispassed on one by one and a more beautiful world is built up.（这两段篇幅不合理，而且这段一下子立意太高了,有点牵强） For example, one the best kind woman in mycountry, Su Fei, does everything to help others. Once, in a conference, sherevealed the reason why she wants to be a philanthropist. She said that infact, she used to be selfish and self-centered. Nevertheless, when she wasthrown in troubles in doing an important subject, it is her friend, Yu Dan thatdid a favor to her without a world. She was so grateful and since then shedecided to help others as far as possible. As a result, everyone around herstarted to help each other when in need. Ultimately, she gradually becomes a philanthropistand conveys the concept of help throughout the country.
Therefore, a hand for a friend may contribute to a relay of love.

To sum up,due to the above mentioned reasons, that making friends helping us when we are in need is friendsindeed and could raise the trust of the world, I strongly assert thatit is less important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choosefriends that will help you when you are in need.(最好正着写，more important)

I strongly assert that it is more important to choosefriends that will help you when you are in need than to choose friends whocould have fun with us.

chasedreamabc

先问一个问题，LZ是怎么在30分钟内打完的啊，我的和你字数差不多，但是完成超过了30分钟，真心焦急，盲打不过关



文章里面好多连打没有空格的地方啊，我都帮你改正过了

When learning a certain subject, sometimes onewill encounter difficulties. How would you deal with this circumstance? Turn toyour friend who is adept at this subject or have a professional tutor?(提出问题，引人入胜) Whenasked, people fromdivergent (高级词汇）backgrounds hold different ideas. Some areinclined to have a professional tutor for the reason thatit（指代什么呢）won't（这样写可不规范）bother theirfriends. Nevertheless, for my standpoint, I extremely urge（态度表明的恰到好处）my friend to ask mefor help as long as I have a good knowledge of this subject. Then my reasonsare as follows.

To begin with, in my opinion, I am supposed tohelp my friend who is faced with several problem（problems）in studying a subject. Just asthe saying goes" A friend in need is a friend indeed." I amin hope （待求证）that I could be the one to whom my friend can turn when he or she is in trouble. From my perspective, if I make friends with one（前面是是friends 后面是 one，没看懂）, I will be ready to spare no effort to get him or her out of troubles. Hence, if one of my friends meet with problems when learning a subject and I am exactly good at it, I sincerely expect that I can do something to help him or her rather than leavinghe or she to have a tutor.

In addition,I could offer my friend somebenefits such as a better communication, no extra fee and the same academic assistance. （tutor，【美】(大学中的)助教，出处：

http://dict.baidu.com/s?wd=tutor  据我所知老美的助教是 no fee的，从这个角度来说，LZ的这TS没有了理论支撑。包括本段标出的一些论据）

First of all, my friend will be easier to consult these problemswith me rather than a strange tutor. After all, we are so familiar thatcommunication is convenient and efficient. What is more,while a professionaltutor requires a lot of money, I am willing to help my friend without any fee.All I want to do is just help my friend get out of troubles instead of earning moneylike a tutor.



Last but not the least（这句话显得口语，出处：挑战TOEFL满分作文，作者：许轶） , since I am very good at this subject, Iam capable of providing my friend with the same academic contribution*****（这里是不是少了点什么，读起来好奇怪） the sameas a professional tutor. Hence, my friend need（friends or needs）not worry about I could not likea professional tutor assist him or her to cope with these problems.

In brief, since I am available in above-mentionedaspects, how come I agree with that my friend should ask help from aprofessional tutor as opposed to me when she or he has problems in learning acertain subject?（结尾还是用一个陈述句表达更好一些，起码ETS更接受）



PS：遣词造句能力已经不用多说什么了，谋篇布局尽显老辣，范文也就这个水平了，只要在逻辑上面有所加强就好了。

自我改造

When learning acertain subject, sometimes one will encounter difficulties. How would you dealwith this circumstance? Turn to your friend who is adept at this subject orhave a professional tutor? When asked, people from divergent backgrounds holddifferent ideas. Some are inclined to have a professional tutor for the reason thatit won't bother their friends. Nevertheless, for my standpoint, I extremelyurge my friend to ask me for help as long as I have a good knowledge of thissubject. Then my reasons are as follows.

To begin with, in my opinion, I am supposed to help my friendwho is faced with several problems in studying a subject. Just as the saying goes" Afriend in need is a friend indeed."(建议改为 Just as the saying..,I am supposed to..) I am in hope that Icould be the one to whom my friend can turn when he or she is in trouble. Frommy perspective, if I make friends with one, I will be ready to spare no effortto get him or her out of troubles. Hence, if one of my friends meet withproblems when learning a subject and I am exactly good at it, I sincerelyexpect that I can do something to help him or her rather than leaving he or sheto have a tutor.

In addition, I could offer my friend some benefits such as abetter communication, no extra fee and the same academic assistance. First ofall, my friend will be easier to consult these problems with me rather than astrange tutor. After all, weare so familiar that communication is convenient and efficient. (建议改为 we are so familiarthat communication between us is more comprehensible and more efficient.)What is more, while a professional tutor requiresa lot of money, I am willing to help my friend without any fee. All I want todo is just help my friend get out of troubles instead of earning money like atutor. Last but not the least, since I am very good at this subject, I amcapable of providing my friend with the same academic contribution the same(删掉) as a professional tutor. Hence, my friend neednot worry about I could not like a professional tutor assist him or her to copewith these problems.

In brief, since I am availablein above-mentioned aspects, how come I agree with that my friend should askhelp from a professional tutor as opposed to me when she or he has problems inlearning a certain subject?


感觉你的文章很流畅，用词也很不错，只是在在论点的提出以及展开上还应该再稍微提高一下，在主体部分每段一个论点，然后最好能够对在提出论点后，对其有一个较深入的、较理论上的解释，最后再加一个例子，或者是自己编一个调查研究也好，这样可能会比较好一些

易雨水巷

THX ABC&自我改造 4.30修改版 紫色为修改部分
When learning a certain subject, sometimes one willencounter difficulties. How would you deal with this circumstance? Turn to yourfriend who is adept at this subject or have a professional tutor? When asked,people from divergent backgrounds hold different ideas. Some are inclinedto have a professional tutor for the reason that it（指代什么呢）won't（这样写可不规范）bothertheir friends 【改为 instead of putting their friends in trouble】. Nevertheless, for my standpoint, I extremelyurge my friend to ask me for help as long as I have agood knowledge of this subject. Then my reasons are as follows.

To begin with, in my opinion, I am supposed to helpmy friend who is faced with several problems（problems）in studying a subject. Just as the saying goes"A friend in need is a friend indeed." (建议改为 Just asthe saying..,I am supposed to..) I am in hope （待求证）that I could I am supposed to be the one to whom my friend can turn when he or she is in trouble. From my perspective, if I make friends with one（前面是是friends 后面是 one，没看懂）【make friendwith one】, I will be ready to spare no effort to get him or her out of troubles.Hence, if one of my friends meets with problemswhen learning a subject and I am exactly good at it, I sincerely expect that I can do something to help him orher rather than leaving he or she to have a tutor.

In addition, I could offer my friend some benefitssuch as a better communication, no extra fee and the same academic assistance. （tutor，【美】(大学中的)助教，出处：

http://dict.baidu.com/s?wd=tutor  据我所知老美的助教是 no fee的，从这个角度来说，LZ的这TS没有了理论支撑。包括本段标出的一些论据）【恩恩, thx a lot 要把no extra fee去掉了】 First of all, my friend will be easier to consultthese problems with me rather than a strange tutor. After all, we areso familiar that communication is convenient and efficient. (建议改为 we are so familiar that communication between usis more comprehensible and more efficient.) weare so familiar that communication between us is more comprehensible and moreefficient. What is more, while aprofessional tutor requires a lot of money, I am willing to help my friend withoutany fee. All I want to do is just help my friend get out of troubles instead ofearning money like a tutor. Last but notthe least（这句话显得口语，出处：挑战TOEFL满分作文，作者：许轶）【好吧，显然我还自我觉得这个挺好的，改成Ultimately吧】 , since I am very good at this subject, I am capable of providingmy friend with the same academic contribution*****（这里是不是少了点什么，读起来好奇怪）【+to dealwith these problems】 the same as aprofessional tutor. Hence, my friend needs（friends or needs）not worry about I could not like a professionaltutor assist him or her to cope with these problems.

In brief, since I am available in above-mentionedaspects, how come I agree with that my friend should ask help from a professionaltutor as opposed to me when she orhe has problems in learning a certain subject?（结尾还是用一个陈述句表达更好一些，起码ETS更接受）【恩恩 I stronglyagree with the statement that my friend should ask help from me】
PS：遣词造句能力已经不用多说什么了，谋篇布局尽显老辣，范文也就这个水平了，只要在逻辑上面有所加强就好了。
感觉你的文章很流畅，用词也很不错，只是在在论点的提出以及展开上还应该再稍微提高一下，在主体部分每段一个论点，然后最好能够对在提出论点后，对其有一个较深入的、较理论上的解释，最后再加一个例子，或者是自己编一个调查研究也好，这样可能会比较好一些

易雨水巷

TO ABC：

说来惭愧
额 易雨水巷好吧 打了一个小时，半个小时也打不出这么多字的T.T一起加油吧 现在QQ聊天神马的也都用键盘 希望可以提高打字速度

谢谢帮我修改哦O(∩_∩)O~

易雨水巷

5月1日 111119 NA Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow employees staying with family and friend. Which job do you prefer? Why?

It is universally acknowledged that people are trying to have a satisfying job which brings them a high salary and allows them staying with family as well as friend. Nevertheless, just like the saying goes"He who hunts two hares leaves one and loses the other." The consequence frequently turns out be disappointing. A majority are always faced with a dilemma weather they should take a job with a high salary or a job which allows their staying with family and friend. Some may pursue a high salary. However, I prefer to have job which allows me staying with my parents and friends and my reasons are as follows.

To begin with, it will be convenient for me to take care of my parents if a job allows me staying with my parents and friends. As I grows up, my parents gradually become older and they need their considerate daughter to stay with them. They have cultivated me well in the past 22 years. Hence in return, it is high time for me to stay with them and give them my best care both physically and spiritly. As far as I am concerned, a survey in my country revealed 90% old felt lonely without a son or daughter living with them. Since then, I made a determination to accompany my family.

Another benefit I can get from a job which allows me staying with my family and friend is that it will enhance our friendship. I have a deep relationship with my friends. We go shopping together, share the same interests and always be ready to help each other. Under this circumstance, all I want to do is to stay with them and communicate frequently instead of separating from such good friends. As a result, I would like a job allow my staying with my family and friend though it may pays a few money.

Admittedly, a high salary may mean a better standard of living. Nonetheless, from my perspective, a job allowing me staying with my family and friends will meet our basic requirements as well and that is enough because my dream has nothing to do with having a lot of money but live a happy life with my family and friend.

To sum up, in spite of a low salary, I prefer a job allows me staying with family and friend because of my responsibility for taking care of my family and frost my friendship.

stones4

5月1日
111119 NA Some jobs can pay high salaries but require employees to leave their family and friends. Some jobs pay few salaries but allow employees staying with family and friend. Which job do you prefer? Why?

It is universally acknowledged that people are trying to have a satisfying job which brings them a high salary and allows them staying with family as well as friend. Nevertheless, just like the saying goes"He who hunts two hares leaves one and loses the other." The consequence frequently turns out be disappointing. A majority are always faced with a dilemma weather they should take a job with a high salary or a job which allows their staying with family and friend. Some may pursue a high salary. However, I prefer to have job which allows me staying with my parents and friends and my reasons are as follows.
开头略长···引用在开头很闪亮，第一句可缩短，最后一句可缩短。Personally speaking，the former option seems to be a better choice.

开头总体很闪亮

To begin with, it will be convenient for me to take care of my parents if a job allows me staying with my parents and friends. As I grows up, my parents gradually become older and they need their considerate daughter to stay with them. They have cultivated me well in the past 22 years. Hence in return, it is high time for me to stay with them and give them my best care both physically and spiritly. As far as I am concerned, a survey in my country revealed 90% old felt lonely without a son or daughter living with them. Since then, I made a determination to accompany my family.这句逻辑是不是有误？改成according to a survey, in my country 90% old people felt lonely without a son or daughter living with them. Thus, I made a determination to accompany my family

Another benefit I can get from a job which allows me staying with my family and friend is that it will enhance our friendship. Stay with family 怎么产生的friendship捏···relationship更好一点I have a deep relationship with my friends. We go shopping together, share the same interests and always be ready to help each other. Under this circumstance, all I want to do is to stay with them and communicate frequently instead of separating from such good friends.整个这一段有点轻微的奇怪it is enjoyable for me to stay with my friends because we can go shopping together，share the same interests and always be ready to help each other. To be honest, I don’t want to lose this happy, stable and committed relationship with them, but instead, to deal with a variety of clients As a result, I would like a job allow my staying with my family and friend though it may pays a few money.

Admittedly, a high salary may mean a better standard of living. Nonetheless, from my perspective, a job allowing我不知道这里是否可以使用ing，你可以无视这个，我语法巨废 me staying with my family and friends will meet our basic requirements as well and that is enough because my dream has nothing to do with having a lot of money but live a happy life with my family and friend.我觉得这段略孱弱，举个例子会更肥满吧，顺便还可以解决字数的问题。

To sum up, in spite of a low salary, I prefer a job allows me staying with family and friend because of my responsibility for taking care of my family and frost my friendship.

结尾干净利落···



总体，语言啊，句子啊，就不说了，不错的文



个人以为，仅供参考

但是改的过程中感觉，文章的development不是很好，这个是草稿纸上的工作···

估计作者是边想边写的，例子，假设，数据，引用名言。后两个做的很好，前面也可以考虑用用。此文407字，字数偏少，正好补充，一举两得

最后，

考试加油！

这里520也要去考试了！

易雨水巷

确实是边想边写T.T实在木例子,木论点,纠结死了(>.<)晚上回去改,谢谢stones4

易雨水巷

5月2日
第一次列提纲写 怨念的发现又写了一个小时 %>_<%
20110820 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important investment for a company is to spend money on improving skills of its employees.

As  the modern society develops,  it is more hard for a company to survive in a force competition environment.  Under this circumstance, the investment for a company is apparently to be significant. Then a statement comes up to the surface that the most important investment for a company is to spend money on improving  its employees’ skills. And I without doubt stand up for this declaration with the following reasons.

To begin with, capable employees will be more likely to create more profits for a company. As everyone knows, a company consists of employees and therefore the employees' ability has a close relationship with the company's development. Generally speaking, employees will be appreciate for the company pay money for their cultivation and are willing to devote themselves to their work. Hence, the company with a capable, grateful and hard-working employees will going to more competitive in the force society in the long run. A good example is not far to seek. Ao Mei  a very famous advertisement company, offer frost opportunities every year and in return, its workers try their best to make a brilliant tomorrow for the firm. Taken these profits into consideration, there is no denying that the company is supposed to sponsor the improvement of its employees' skills.

Another reason why I believe that the most important investment is to spend money on improving skills of its employees is that a good boss without an excellent team will not to be successful in the long run.  A competitive society strength the team-work and individuals frequently need others' help. So does a company. In other word, only a firm try to enhance its employees’' skills usually can it survives a force environment. For example, Steve Jobs once was a very arrogant person and ignored others' contribution. As a result, the board made a decision to dismiss him. A couple of years past and a new Jobes came back to the Apple Company, who is now a person that attends to his employees. In brief, a successful company needs a boss who takes care of his employees.

Admittedly, employees may take other jobs after they become more competitive. After all, there are so many examples to remind us of this fact. However, it is not always a bad thing that employees change their work.  A company should be confident that although these employees may not work for the company, they will also be grateful for the period they spend with the company as well as especially for what they learned from their former jobs. To illustrate, Niu Gensheg, the boss of Meng Niu, worked for another famous milk company, Yi Li. In 1998, Yi Li got into toubles and it is Niu GenSheng that helped Yi Li go through the hard time. Do not worry and just spend money on improving skills of employees.

To sum up, due to the above mentioned reasons,  which sometimes correlates with each other to generate an integrate whole and thus become more convincing than any single one of them, I may be comfortable to say that I agree that the most important investment for a company is to spend money on improving skills of its employees.