【写作小分队の探险者】5.20 托福 求狠拍

探险者

修改作文，刚发上来，也请多指教
你的语言感觉非常流畅，文章读起来很舒服的感觉，而且观点也很明确。

我觉得词汇和复杂的句子不需要刻意的使用，在自己修改作文的时候，可以把那些很简单的词汇进行高级的替换，或者是换一种说法，比如important可以换成of great importance等等。词汇的替换可以参考慎小嶷编写的作文书，其中有很好的方法，还有个大表格供选择。你的用词很棒啊，学习了不少！！！

你的观点是keep old friends更好，但是在第一和第二个论点中，没有指明这两点。我在你的第一二段中把握自己的看法写下了，仅供参考。

黄色为很好的部分，红色是我的修改

do you like old friends or new friends more?
Friends are lifelong assets that will accompany us when we feel lonely, provide suggestions when we are in dilemma, and offer emotional support when we fell into depression. While some people might be busy expanding their network in Facebook or Twitter, I would rather stick to my old friends and discover more about them, because I think keeping my old friends is much more essential and rewarding than making new friends. I will try to illustrate my point of view as below. 观点很明确

Running into someone who can be treated as a valuable friend is a real bonanza in life, and this has been proved true several times by my personal experience. When I entered university several years ago, I was suffering loneliness deeply because it was just incredibly hard（可以换成difficult，大一点的有formidable） to find someone to talk to and who can understand what you are trying to express and provide helpful suggestions. But I still remember how grateful I was when I run into a girl, who almost had the same experiences and interests as me, as well the same outgoing and bold personalities. Indeed, amongst the thousands of hundreds people we come across in our life, spotting（很好的结构） someone who has the same interests, educational background, and personalities as you do is just like throwing a dice.我觉得如果只是说得到一个好朋友的不易，并不一定说要珍惜过去的朋友，也可以支持寻找新朋友需要用心之类的。所以个人觉得加一句和你的主题关联一下： Clearly， that promotes your relationship to last many years, leading your friendship to be deeper and more meaningful with time.最后的这个with time就是提及了old friend

Moreover, even you are lucky to have several soul mates it still cost（costs） a plenty of time and energy to maintain and develop the relationship. Some people may think that spending money to buy（purchase） friends' birthday presents or contributing a whole weekend to hang（contribute to的to应该是个介词吧，后面加的是名词，用hanging out） out with friends is a real waste of time. However，（however表示转折的时候，后面要加一个逗号，然后是句子） I believe there is nothing more worthwhile than that, since a friend is a rich asset that you can always learn new things from him or her. You may find your friend even more valuable when time pass by because they can always come up with new experiences and share them with you without considering privacy. 这里觉得也可以加一句关联old friendship。（—that is, no one has to worry about being uneasy among old friends.表示亲密的朋友可以相互分享个人经历，没有因为隐私的原因而感到uneasy）

Admittedly, it's critical to expand personal networks(第一段出现了，可以换个说法nurture fresh socialized circle) especially considering career path, given that knowing more professional experts in the work field will boost your career life at later stage. Nevertheless, I strongly insist that it's unwise to spend too much energy or effort to get to know new people and try to make friends with them, for the reason that to foster a true friendship has no other way but devoting a long period of time. 如果只是因为需要devote time就表示这么做不值得，觉得不太充分。可以写人们有different value theology,因此need time to get know with each other,而且可能得不到好的结果but leading to an adverse outcome，因此保持对old friends 的联系是really makes sense

Based on the discussions above, it's safe to draw the conclusion that although it's necessary to extend personal network, it's more intelligent to spend most of your time to build up a stronger relationship with your old friends. Trust me, you will soon find how rewarding and satisfying the friendships are.

探险者

4月19日101203 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should encourage their children to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to do their schoolwork？

用时35min

发现自己写文章时在set example方面比较匮乏

Indeed, our parents have been involved in our daily lives ever since our childhood, devoting themselves to our upbringing and inculcating high moral value to us, which attach importance to our formative personalities. Granted, I don't want to be a pretentious or rebellious teenager. But sometimes, parents’ participation in our everyday schoolwork may have some negative impact for compelling justifications, which range from parents not knowing why their children are confused by the questions, to overprotecting their kids from encountering problems independently and bravely thinking up their own opinions.



Clearly, parents’ involvement in our studies has been declining in most schools, especially among public education. Parents are always puzzled by the refreshed terminology and the new explanations to analyze that. It is remarkably formidable for them to find out what students are supposed to learn, let alone whether or not they are dealing with their assignments through the proper methods. The lack of printed books due to online schooling, the lack of communications owing to parents' hardworking and even the computerized transcripts all help to keep our parents away from our learning. In addition, some well-intentious, highly careful teachers often discourage students’ parents to involve in their kids' schoolwork on the ground that students may be misguided as the result of different approves. And the result? Even more distance.



Another reason I'm against parents being in control is that it means students won't study through their own thinking capacity. By that I mean if parents are much more involved in students' assignment, we may resolve problems just through our parents assistance. Arguably, students are not passive receptacles of predigested knowledge and it makes sense that learning by understanding is of fundamental significance. We are going through the difficult period of studying, which accompanies with the growth of our brain and the formation of our independent thinking ability. Predictably, it is undoubted that we will participate in the competitive social settings in the future, which will benefit from our practice of overcoming difficulties, and only what you have consolidated in your own can lead to your promotion. Therefore, learning by ourselves is the irreplaceable experience at certain stage of age, and thus parents making their kids independently focusing on their studies certainly matters.



What's more, even though we are more informed of the contemporary technological society, some outgoing and quite active adolescents may become nervous and stemmed in front of their parents because of their respect to the elder. It is incredible that we are deeply influenced by our parents, namely we are prone to follow up them or even imitate them without coming up with our own ideas, even those maybe thought-provoking. With the depression like that, students may not be confident enough in tackling adversities due to the absence of our parents, causing them to be unskilled of the interpersonal and communication arts. Consequently, it is no wonder that students may lose the cherished opportunities of expressing themselves in front of their leaders and companions and have no access to critical thinking practice, which does harm to their career path. Apparently, we have to adjust ourselves to facing formidable situations without the help of our parents and entitle ourselves to be competent to the future jobs.



I would like to say that I personally agree with the statement that parents should involve little to their kids' schoolwork, and with my examples I want to illustrate how far away parents are from the modern pedagogical methods and the disadvantages caused by parents' overprotection.

探险者

谢谢修改啊，对思路方面提了很多意见，本来这一篇自己的思路不是很清楚，现在已经认真修改过了，觉得文章清晰很多
没错，列提纲是很好的办法啊。。。我的下一篇列列个提纲，感觉写的时候不会无厘头了

豆豆Vickey

探路者辛苦啦~嘿嘿，篇幅很长嘛~下面是我的批改：
黄色为亮点
蓝色为我补充的内容
红色为不妥的地方
Some individuals, especially the Asian people, prefer to save money for the future and accumulate substantial sums of money to purchase durable endorsements, which may bring about longer enjoyment. Nevertheless, because of the financial crisis and increasingly high pressure from daily lives(这个表达也不能算错，我个人认为换occupation更好一点), others may spend money on travelling(travel) and vacation. Clearly, the expeditions on such short-term enjoyment deserve its remarkable value.

Even though things that last longer such as souvenirs can slow me down and calm my anxious and wandering mind, durable items may cost even more than short-period pleasure liketravelling（travel， travelling 是adj. 或者现代分词，在这里用n.就好）, and thus it certainly takes more time for the middle class to save that much money to make the investment（much money, which could be used for investment）. And do we really need a luxurious SUV? Or do we really need a beautiful closet full of stylish clothes? Or even eating in the upscale restaurant every weekend? Absolutely not. What we really need is to release ourselves from recurring strain due to breakneck speed of work.(Good！) It is indispensable that people may be tied down by the high psychological pressure before they can enjoy the long-term entertainment. Therefore, hanging out，such for an excursion, not only costs small amount of your salaries, but contributes to your mental recovery as well, which（这个从句用的有些不恰当，指代不明）（It is obvious that the activity）enhances your performance in your company with refreshed and energetic motivation.( good!)

More importantly, the unpredictable financial market can give rise to success overnight, but soon jeopardize it. Admittedly, it is arguable that eastern people always save their wages for future use(这个似乎可以省略掉), like the marriage of their kids and helping with their parents. However, the financial crisis which began in 2008 brought about tremendous amount of bankrupts（bankrupt） of entrepreneurs and the loss of people's accumulations(事项说明失业率的增加么？还是？), leading to fundamental decrease in themasses' living quality. Supposed that people have spent their money on vacations, not only did they escape from that striking earthquake of the market, but also experience the fantastic self-conducted trip and the tranquil gathering among their immediate family. What's more, travelling to other places, even abroad, tend(tends此句当中的动名词作主语的谓语动词是用的事单数：）to expand(如果用broaden会不会更合适一些呢？) ones' outlook with real sightseeing instead of enhancing their imagination to create its own virtue world from TV program.

Granted, it is nonetheless possibly for individuals to unlimited invest（没能理解） their modest accumulation on such entertainment like a trip. The unreasonable expedition on travelling will definitely drive up the strain of many other things in your daily lives, from cooking vegetables to dairy products, from clothing to furniture, from public transits（我觉得交通公具的选择会不会好一些呢？the option of transportation）to theunprecedented price of the petroleum, as their costs account for a large ration of your salary. As a result, learning how to distribute your money to express its deservation and how to make the two ends meet is of great significance, particularly for the young. For the one thing, you have to relax yourselves to better devote to your job; for another thing, undoubtedly, you have to take into considerationthe cost of your parents' health and the cost foryour kids schooling（the education of children）（形成一个A of B and C的结构，即：B和C的A）. To some degree, it is the money you have that hold the key for your future.

While we human beings, especially for us Asian people, are born with the natural desire to save adequate money for our future, we have to carefully explore what we can attain in turn due to the changeable financial market and the dangerous economic crisis, let alone whether we can share the durable souvenirs. With the assistance of how to reasonably spend your money, one can certainly enjoy himself with a short-term travelling(travel) without worrying about continuing intense work.

总结：
 首先，看了探路者的文章我确实自愧不如，相比较而言我写的文章更为baby talk, 没有什么复杂的句式和精彩的用词。文章中有很多地方值得我学习^ ^下面是豆豆对探路者的表扬啦~
1. 在用词及造句方面我已经用黄颜色标注出来，很低级的描述几乎没有出现
                      2. 通过用词及造句的表达可以看出探路者思考的比较深刻（因为相比较我自己的文章显得很浅显啦）
其次，我总结出以下三点不足供探路者参考：
          1.在组合复杂句式的时候注意一下指代的问题句子就完美啦^ ^
          2.在第一个举例论证当中能够举出更为具体的例子，这篇文章体现出的只是一两句话组合在一起的较为宽泛的说理，比如“people可以释放来自……的压力”可以更为具体一些，比如“举出某人某事的例子，或者历史事件，科学研究，新闻报道等等”
          3.我认为你在第三段中出现了大篇幅的违背你的立场的内容，几句话之后才出现转折。在首段转折并表明你的观点之后，后面就不需要每一段内容都要转折啦~直接进行举例论证支持就行了。或许你是想作为一个铺垫，我建议你在中间段的段首综述一下此论据就ok了。
           我会再思考一下，如果有补充直接修改本帖 ，然后短信你~

晨依Jacqueline

TPO14修改~
红色为错误，绿色为疑惑or建议，高亮为精彩！(原文中标记的红色部分没有修改)
The reading passage analyzes the issue that salvage logging after the disastrous damage may have positive effects, [and the instructor of the listening deals with the same issue. ]However, she thinks that what has(have)been considered as advantages may also lead to some negative impact.(个人认为首先开头写得不错，但是感觉不够简洁，[...]里面的句子大意是listening和reading讲了same issue，可是你有木有注意到前一个句子对issue的限定已经是have positive effects了，这个样子的话你看看是不是把listening的观点说反了？所以建议去掉这半句，直接连however句就很好。)

First of all, the lecturer expresses that the cleaning up of the dead trees is unnecessary to provide good conditions for growth. However(这个前面刚写了，可以换一个~Oppositely/Conversely等等...), natural decomposing process can rich the soil, which is useful for the future generation of trees. In contrast, the soil with cleaning up may lack the nutrition(不可数) needed in the growth.(不得不说探险者的听力真的很强大！但是however用在这里转折的有一点点wired。还有一个小建议：在每一段能够尽量点出reading和listening的关系，说明听力反驳了阅读。)


What's more, the spruce bark beetle has been living in the forest for over 100 years, and thus its damage doesn't account for the major one. More importantly, the forests(不够准确呢，说dead trees比较好喔) not just provide habitat for damaged(不是被损坏的虫子，是坏虫子啊harmful insects) insects, but for birds and useful insects as well. And salvage jogging may do harm to the habitat of those animals in the long run.(还是上面提过的一点，尽量用第三人称转述prof和author的观点，并说明他们的关系，不要只是提供what you have listened in the material)

Additionally, the economic benefits made by salvage logging is(are) small, the damaged forest should be recovered by the maintenance of helicopter and other vehicles. Also, job creation is temporary and they(既然前面是is了，这里说they就不合适啦) are always opened to outsiders who are more experienced and training(well-trained肿么样...) than the local residents.

[Conclusion]

1 对于探险者超级强大的听力能力表示膜拜~! 细节除了自己提到的两处其他的都很详细而且基本上都是非常贴近原文的!!

2 建议注意一下描述二者关系的部分。

3 开头再斟酌斟酌。

总的来说，真的很腻害! 继续加油哦~

miss绿光

4月19日101203 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should encourage their children to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to do their schoolwork？

用时35min

发现自己写文章时在set example方面比较匮乏

Indeed, our parents have been involved in our daily lives ever since our childhood, devoting themselves to our upbringing and inculcating high moral value to us, which attach [attaches] importance to our formative personalities. Granted, I don't want to be a pretentious or rebellious teenager.[Granted… but…] But sometimes, parents’ participation in our everyday schoolwork may have some negative impact [impacts] for compelling justifications, which range from parents not knowing why their children are confused by the questions, to overprotecting their kids from encountering problems independently and bravely thinking up their own opinions.[ 我感觉结构很好，但是读的时候我有点费解，有点过长了，个人意见。]



Clearly, parents’ involvement in our studies has been declining in most schools, especially among public education. Parents are always puzzled by the refreshed terminology and the new explanations to analyze that. It is remarkably formidable for them to find out what students are supposed to learn, let alone whether or not they are dealing with their assignments through the proper methods. The lack of printed books due to online schooling, the lack of communications owing to parents' hardworking and even the computerized transcripts all help to keep our parents away from our learning. In addition, some well-intentious[google之，出现的项目很少，估计不是常用搭配，不过其中一个是the science of language里面提到well前缀提到了这个，你斟酌一下哈~ ], highly careful teachers often discourage students’ parents to involve[from involving] in their kids' schoolwork on the ground that students may be misguided as the result of different approves. And the result? Even more distance.
其实你不要觉得自己举例不好，你看，你这一段说的理非常顺，也用了someparents, some children BALABALA的，你觉得不够specific是吧？其实很简单，改成myparents/the parents of my friend…这样是不是就变得超级有说服力了？要不别人会argue你，光说some，我怎么知道是谁？代入自己的ownexperience，更加persuasive！


Another reason I'm against parents being in control is that it means students won't study through their own thinking capacity. By that I mean if parents are much more involved in students' assignment, we may resolve problems just through our parents assistance. Arguably, students are not passive receptacles of predigested knowledge and it makes sense that learning by understanding is of fundamental significance. We are going through the difficult period of studying, which accompanies with the growth of our brain and the formation of our independent thinking ability. Predictably, it is undoubted that we will participate in the competitive social settings in the future, which will benefit from our practice of overcoming difficulties, and only what you have consolidated in your own can lead to your promotion.[太长了，尝试缩减一下吧。] Therefore, learning by ourselves is the irreplaceable experience at certain stage of age, and thus parents making their kids independently focusing on their studies certainly matters. [这段话166字，一共5句，尤其后三句都很长，放在一起会让人读的有点累，建议长短句结合]
举例方法如上~


What's more, even though we are more informed of the contemporary technological society, some outgoing and quite active adolescents may become nervous and stemmed in front of their parents because of their respect to the elder. It is incredible that we are deeply influenced by our parents, namely we are prone to [TPO里出现过，代替be likely todo,活学活用，好！]follow up them or even imitate them without coming up with our own ideas, even those maybe thought-provoking. With the depression like that, students may not be confident enough in tackling adversities due to the absence of our parents, causing them to be unskilled of the interpersonal and communication arts. Consequently, it is no wonder that students may lose the cherished opportunities of expressing themselves in front of their leaders and companions and have no access to critical thinking practice, which does harm to their career path. Apparently, we have to adjust ourselves to facing formidable situations without the help of our parents and entitle ourselves to be competent to the future jobs.[这段也是，全部长难句，我觉得长短句结合更好。比如可以像前两段一样，把topic sentence写的简单一些，让人家很容易grab your idea。回想一下TPO的阅读，TS都是比较简单明了的对吧？当然我只是举例，你这个TS还是挺明了的，even though的让步~]




I would like to say that I personally agree with thestatement that parents should involvelittle to their kids' schoolwork [我很喜欢这个表达，以前不同意的时候我都直接用not，这里用little表示否定还显得比较不极端，学习了], and with myexamples I want to illustrate how far away parents are from the modernpedagogical methods and the disadvantages caused by parents' overprotection.

你的字数超多啊！膜拜~从你文章中，我可以感受到你超多的词汇量和超级强大的语言功底，我一直边看边有道之~感觉你是考过GRE/GMAT的，直接考T的人一般不会在这么短的时间里打出这么多字重点是full of 高级词汇&长难句…

因为我没有考过托福，所以我也只是说说自己不一定对的感觉：
文章的三点理由都是可以作为支撑的，论述也没有问题。我最大的感觉就是看着费劲，长难句多固然好，但是感觉有点像要考人了。其实除了在GRE/GMAT/LAST…的阅读里，美国本土的杂志/文章还是不偏晦涩的，我不知道在T这样的一个语言考试里语言要怎么样，看见前面的回复已经有筒子考过两次了，可以听听他的意见~
最后，再膜拜一下词汇帝^^认识单词多不是最厉害的，能把难词自然地运用进来真的需要功底！
=======================

今天太晚了我就不写了，明天写完后来这个把链接给你~加油^^

miss绿光

我的作文写完啦~和要求的不一样，我写的是机经的题目，麻烦你拉！是下面这个网址的48楼~
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-700995-5-1.html

lxyuan2001

探险者的作文功底是公认的好，请你给我们大家分享一下用词和变化句式的一些心得吧？




下面是我改的，高亮为优秀，红色是更改。另外，我觉得你现在主要问题在于用词不是很准确，虽然用的大词很多，但并不是老外们会用的搭配，因此给理解上带来了一定障碍。你可以试着用google 或者bing, 把想查的搭配用""引上，然后查询，如果少于100就说明几乎没人这么用，比如"hold the key for future"...




                

EFT;">                

EFT;">4月18日20101105 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Spending money on travelling and vacation is better than saving for future.

Some individuals, especially the Asian people, prefer to save money for the future and accumulate substantial sums of money to purchase durable endorsements, which may bring about longer enjoyment. Nevertheless, because of the financial crisis and increasingly high pressure from daily lives, others may spend money on travelling and vacation. Clearly, the expeditions on such short-term enjoyment deserve its(their) remarkable value.


Even though things that last longer(survive over time)such as souvenirs can slow(calm) me down and calm(relax) my anxious and wandering mind, durable items may cost even(这里没有递进关系，用even不如用considerable/alot) more than short-period pleasure like travelling, and thus it certainly takes more time for the middle class to save that much money to make the investment. And(用and引出例子不是很自然，试着用Justby asking ourselves some simple questions you will then get the whole picture.) Do we really need a luxurious SUV? Or do we really need a beautiful closet full of stylish clothes? Or even eating in the upscale restaurant every weekend? Absolutely not. What we really need(desirefor) is to release ourselves from recurring strain due to breakneck speed of work. It is indispensable that people may be tied down by the high psychological pressure before they can enjoy the long-term entertainment. Therefore, hanging out for an excursion not only costs small amount of your salaries, but contributes to your mental recovery as well, which enhances your performance in your company with refreshed and energetic motivation.


More importantly, the unpredictable financial market can give rise to success overnight, but soon jeopardize it. Admittedly, it is arguable(inarguable) that eastern people always save their wages for future use, like the marriage of their kids and helping with their parents. However, the financial crisis(sluggisheconomy) which began in 2008 brought about tremendous amount of bankruptciesof entrepreneurs and the loss of people's accumulations(deposits), leading to fundamental decrease in the masses' living quality. Supposed that people have spent their money on vacations, not only did they escape from that striking earthquake(catastrophe) of the market, but also experience the fantastic self-conducted trip and the tranquil gathering among their immediate family. What's more, travelling to other places, even abroad, tend to expand ones' outlook with real sightseeing(ofthe naturallandscapte) instead of enhancing their imagination to create its own virtue world from TV program.


Granted, it is nonetheless possibly（possible） for individuals to unlimited(unlimitedly) invest their modest accumulation on such entertainment like a trip(这句话太像GRE长难句了，建议简化一下句式). The unreasonable expedition on travelling will definitely drive up the strain(changetopressure) of many other things in your daily lives, from cooking vegetables to dairy products, from clothing to furniture, from public transits to the unprecedented price of the petroleum, as their costs account for a large ration(portion) of your salary. As a result, learning how to distribute your money to express its deservation(liveup to itsvalue) and how to make two ends meet is of great significance, particularly for the young. For the one thing, you have to relax yourselves to better devote to your job; for another thing, undoubtedly, you have to take into consideration your parents' health and the cost for your kids schooling. To some degree, it is the money you have that hold the key for your future.

EFT;">While we human beings, especially for us Asian people, are born with the natural desire to save adequate money for our future, we have to carefully explore what we can attain in turn due to the changeable(fast-moving) financial market and the dangerous economic crisis, let alone whether we can share the durable souvenirs. With the assistance of how to reasonably spend your money, one can certainly enjoy himself with a short-term travelling without worrying about continuing intense work.

lxyuan2001

TPO 13, The extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.

30min 完成，请大家指教：）

In recent decades, a bizarre yet widespread phenomenon is witnessed by the globe that many yound counples made the decision to spend rest of their lives by themselves, without embracing any new babies into the families. One assumption of the cause is that the shaky financial environment leads to people's disbelief of social security, and the recent sluggish global economy even add more pressure to our lives. With a trend of shrinking population across the world, from developed countries such as France to the developing countries like China, we inevitably will have less extended family numbers in future. For me, that's the real reason why we need to care more about our grandparents, aunts and cousins ever than before.
Swamped by endless and tedious office work or fully occupied with social networkings, seldom do we have time to enjoy the bliss of family life. You probably won't remember the last time you hear your grandparents babbling about the old funny stories, or what age your aunt is. While it can easily occurs to you that the deadline of some project is approaching next week. We cannot deny that family life is one of the most indispensable way to enjoy life, to share happiness and to confide our worries or deep secrets. Without them, we might found ourselvs standing in the middle of an enormous extensive social web, feeling isolated by numerous unrelated events, comments, ideas that overwhelm your mind. Indeed, as the world becomes larger and more complicated, it's always a wise choice to go back to the big family and relax.
From the perspectives of our extended family members, they as well in a state of needing someone badly to care about them. Especially the old families, who might not be able to afford more than one child when they were young, now have to stay in the nursing house day and night, eagering to see their children to drop by to speak some words. I would always remember the precious time I have spent with my grandfather, who died one month ago because of brain disease. Given how engaged his four children were, he was not dare to even give a call to them and let them know how much he missed them, while we can all tell his strong emotion from his wrinkled and distorted face before his death. His death reminded me to show empathy and concern toward the elderly, just to express my sincere gratitude to their effort raising my mother or father in the past.
Admittedly, in our daily lives there are numerous people we have to care about their feelings, such as spouse, parents, friends, children, etc. One may argue that spending time in the extended family is not as significant and imperative as  in direct family members or friends. Nonetheless, the genes in our DNA indicate that we have unbreakable connections with these so called "far relatives". Yet the mere similarities in blood means heavy responsiblitiy and obligation to become a good grandchild, or cousin.
As a conclusion, dramatic change has taken place across the globe that the number of family members has experienced exponential decrease in the recent decades, and at the same time we are more devoted to social events. However, the extended family is still of great significance to us and we should all bear in mind that it's an inevitable yet a rewarding relationship that we should maintain.

探险者

In recent decades, a bizarre yet widespread phenomenon is witnessed by the globe that many yound counples(young couples) made the decision to spend (the) rest of their lives by themselves, without embracing any new babies into the families（embrace本身有accept sb. into a group的意思，所以觉得后面的多余）. One assumption of the cause is that the shaky financial environment leads to people's disbelief of social security, and the recent sluggish global economy（这和前面的shaky意思有些许的重复，这句话可改为： One possible explanation is that the shaky financial environment leads to both people’s disbelief to social security and increasing high pressure of our daily lives）even add more pressure to our lives. With a trend of shrinking population across the world, from developed countries such as France to the developing countries like China, we inevitably will have less extended family numbers in future. For me, that's the real reason why(直接用therefore怎么样，原来的用法显得多余) we need to care more about our grandparents, aunts and cousins ever than before.

Swamped by endless and tedious office work or fully occupied with social networkings, seldom do we have time to enjoy the bliss of family life. You probably won't remember the last time you hear your grandparents babbling about the old funny stories, or what age your aunt is. While（这里while是个并列连词，单独一个句子的用法少见，如果用However，是不是更好） it can easily occurs to you that the deadline of some project is approaching next week. We cannot （在前面做了些铺垫，这个句子应该是和你的主题绝对相关的一句，那么用否定式来表示，常常会显得说服力不足，可以用肯定式，比如，Undoubtedly，blabla）deny that family life is one of the most indispensable way to enjoy life, to share happiness and to confide our worries or deep secrets. Without them, we might found ourselvs standing in the middle of an enormous extensive（enormously extensive修饰形容词的是副词） social web, feeling isolated by numerous unrelated events, comments, ideas that overwhelm your mind. Indeed, as the world becomes larger and more complicated, it's always a wise choice to go back to the big family and relax.

From the perspectives of our extended family members, they（是不是缺个be动词啊） as well in a state of needing someone badly to care about them. Especially（如果用Particularly， old families是不是更好）the old families, who might not be able to afford more than one child when they were young, now have to stay in the nursing house day and night, eagering to see their children to drop by to speak some words. I would always remember the precious time I have spent with my grandfather, who died one month ago because of brain disease. Given how engaged his four children were, he was not dare to even give a call to them and let them know how much he missed them, while we can all tell his strong emotion from his wrinkled and distorted face before his death. His death reminded me to show empathy and concern toward the elderly, just to express my sincere gratitude to their effort raising my mother or father in the past.

Admittedly, in our daily lives，（加个逗号） there are numerous people we have to care about their feeling（这句话貌似有问题，如果用的是定语从句，而又指的是关心他人的内心，则应当为there are numerous people whose feelings we have to care about）, such as spouse, parents, friends, children, etc. One may argue that spending time in the extended family is not as significant and imperative as in direct family（immediate family比较地道） members or friends. Nonetheless, the genes in our DNA（） indicate that we have unbreakable connections with these so called "far relatives". Yet the mere similarities in blood means heavy responsiblitiy（responsibility） and obligation to become a good grandchild, or cousin.

As a conclusion, dramatic change has taken place across the globe that the(a) number of family members has experienced an（这里觉得应当有个冠词）exponential decrease in the recent decades, and at the same time we are more devoted to social events. However, the extended family is still of great significance to us and we should all bear in mind that it's an inevitable yet a rewarding relationship that we should maintain.

觉得你的这篇文章写得很不错，总体上讲是篇好文。有着清晰的思路和结构。但是，我觉得你可能有些刻意在使用修饰词汇为自己的文章增色，并且使用了不少亮点句型。但是，我不知道有没有这么想过：如果文章都是这种华丽丽的修饰，是不是显得过于装饰，而这时，在我的阅读中，对你的观点的理解变成了次要，而是着重看这些修饰，反而使文章的可读性下降。综上，我觉得我自己的作文就是在犯这种毛病，因为好的句子是用的合适，而不是多。觉得刻意再斟酌一下一下词句的使用，使得句子更易读明白，观点更清晰。我指的是在名词和动词前的修饰太频繁了，读起来很费劲。