【写作小分队の探险者】5.20 托福 求狠拍

探险者

4月26日101030 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are now easier to become educated than in the past.
Some individuals indicate that technology not only provides modern people with more options, but complicates our lives as well. Therefore, people may meet many challenges when being educated, such as tough courses and different strange terminologies. However, in fact, it is evident that people of the contemporary society are becoming educated much easier, simply because the remarkable increase of the ability of teachers and easy access to well-rounded schools.



Indeed, it is the improvement of our teachers' patience and teaching experience that makes education easier. To begin with, modern teachers have been gone through strict teaching practice and high-quality selection, which entitle them with cutting-edge pedagogical methods. With that capacity, teachers can conveniently approve to the up-to-date information, the state-of-the-art technology and their students' inner world. Aside from the increasing ability, what really makes sense is teachers' responsibility, which can be expressed through their patient care about students' future development. Every school aged young individual will be motivated by their teachers' guidance to set specific goals, like excelling in their academic studies, cultivating critical thinking ability, appreciating art works, taking part in campus social life and even plan their career path. Not only does the terrific direction promote the students to exhibit themselves in a larger stage, but contributes to the students' capacity for planning their own life. Apparently, we are all enjoy the most excellent teachers who only accounted for a small percent during the past.



Another reason I'm in favor of the statement is that government has invested much expenditure to enhance the teaching atmosphere, which leads to many perfect universities. For on thing, new sets of facilities, such as computers and convenient network, facilitate the universities with a solid foundation; for another, people are now more interested in joining socialized activities to exchange ideas about specific projects, which is unavailable for ancient people. It is no wonder that the progression of modern universities provides us with perfect learning environment, making learning just a piece of cake.



Granted, the white-hot competition and new terms combined with formidable explanations leave obstruct on the way of schooling. Nonetheless, those challenges also give rise to people's awareness of compete for the best and struggling hard, which overcome the difficulties due to the complicated daily occupations. In contrast, during the past, people were suffering poverished living condition and faced with the danger with starvation, let alone sparing no effort for knowledge. Even people of last century from most part of the world had no access to such advanced teaching facilities and thoughts. Therefore, people's desire of pursuing their dreams contributes to less difficult learning.



Overall, even though modern society is inundated with fatal lures and complicated issues, with the examples above I want to illustrate the statement that people are now easier to be educated than in the past really makes sense.

4月26日TPO22
The reading passage explores some reasons for why ethanol cannot be good alternative fro gasoline, which is opposed by the instructor in the listening. And he refutes the opinions of the author with three justifications.



To begin with, the author of the reading indicates that the increase use of ethanol is not useful to combat problems of global warming. However, the instructor contradicts that idea. He admits that the burn of ethanol will give rise to carbon dioxide. But the growth of small plants like corns, which ethanol is made from, will counteract the released carbon dioxide. For example, every plant absorbs that as part of its nutrition all around the year, removing the carbon dioxide from the atmosphere.



What's more, the large scale of production of ethanol won't reduce the source of food for animals. Since people can produce ethanol from certain material, which is the component of the cell wall. Also, that kind of plant is not eaten by animal. Therefore, the illustration made by the lecturer makes the author's view unconvincing.



Finally, he analyzes that the price of the ethanol fuel will compete with that of gasoline, which challenges the standpoint of the reading. Even though the tax subsidies make the price cheaper, it won't always need the support. With more people buy ethanol, more producers will improve its production, thereby the price dropping. The price of the ethanol will go down quickly as more ethanol is being available.

4月26日TPO22
The reading passage explores some reasons for why ethanol cannot be good alternative fro gasoline, which is opposed by the instructor in the listening. And he refutes the opinions of the author with three justifications.



To begin with, the author of the reading indicates that the increase use of ethanol is not useful to combat problems of global warming. However, the instructor contradicts that idea. He admits that the burn of ethanol will give rise to carbon dioxide. But the growth of small plants like corns, which ethanol is made from, will counteract the released carbon dioxide. For example, every plant absorbs that as part of its nutrition all around the year, removing the carbon dioxide from the atmosphere.



What's more, the large scale of production of ethanol won't reduce the source of food for animals. Since people can produce ethanol from certain material, which is the component of the cell wall. Also, that kind of plant is not eaten by animal. Therefore, the illustration made by the lecturer makes the author's view unconvincing.



Finally, he analyzes that the price of the ethanol fuel will compete with that of gasoline, which challenges the standpoint of the reading. Even though the tax subsidies make the price cheaper, it won't always need the support. With more people buy ethanol, more producers will improve its production, thereby the price dropping. The price of the ethanol will go down quickly as more ethanol is being available.

探险者

TPO 19, to become well-informed, a person must get information from many different news sources.
Our society has witnessed an information boom in recent decades, which is a（觉得用定冠词the更好，因为有前面特指的内容） result of the exponential leap of technology and science, as well as economy. While some people may constantly complained about how many junk emails they receive everyday and how many advertising phone calls they pick up a month, there are other people who have taken advantages of these phenomenon to gather information and find business opportunities.（为了体现对比，觉得可以修饰一下information和opportunity，比如用valuable， scarce或者useful等等） Therefore, it's essential to acquire information from different and updated sources in order to be well-informed.

First of all, making use of different news sources renders the opportunities to compare each piece of information you get and to ensure its accuracy. Take my personal experience as an example. As I was doing internship in an investment bank, one particular thing caught my notice: when some financial incident（some incidents）happened, sales people would always watch the television, go （to或者直接scan）the news website, hold conference calls to exchange opinions, and talk with their clients about their viewpoints. At the beginning I thought this was a huge trouble（waste） spending such great amount of time gathering information on（觉得这里用for是不是更合适） one event. Then I realize that what they are doing is trying to compare information of various news sources, to find the difference between each view, and ultimately form their own opinions. This experience enabled me to aware that by accessing to several sources of news information, one can avoid being misled by the perspective of that single article.

Moreover, as the（这个the可以删去，后面是复数） news agencies are more and more specialized, it's imperative to accumulate specific knowledge from several types of newspapers, websites, and TV programs. For example, one may become interested in the overall influence of Afghanistan War and want to conduct a thorough research into this field. He/she not only has to search through the political news website to discover the historical episodes, but also （to）visit biological website to learn about the environmental impacts of the war, and to scan <The Economy>（在英语文章中，这个符号一般用引号，没有书名号） to find out the business influence of the war that have been caused over long run. Consequently, looking into specialized news agencies provide the reader with a comprehensive view of what has happened.

Some people may argue that adapting to several news sources cost time and money, while sticking to single newspaper or website that they rely on is relative（relatively，修饰形容词的是副词）convenient. Nevertheless, increasingly severe competition among news agencies is commonplace nowadays and hence causes frequent drop in the quality of the news reported（如果用news report这样一个名词词组怎么样）. Therefore, keeping an eye on a wide range of newspaper, websites, and television program provides a platform where one can ensure him/herself be updated with the latest news clipsof highest quality.

Based on the discussion above, we can safely draw a conclusion that gathering information from varied news sources are critical to a well-informed person, for the reasons that it helps to build up a comprehensive senseof different aspects of one event, and that it makes sure people acquire high quality and （the）most updated news.

觉得没啥说的了，出了少量的小问题之外，这篇文章的逻辑结构还有用词、句子都让我感到读起来很舒服，感觉和你以前的几篇相比，有很大进步。上一篇你用了很多修饰词，有些觉得很别扭，但是这一篇给人的感觉用的很是地方，很有效；前几篇在句子和叙述上的问题也不见了，真心觉得这篇文章写的很好。

看来自己得多多努力，多多总结了，嘿嘿

易雨水巷

4. 25
红色为错误 绿色为总结 高亮为精彩 蓝色为疑问
Indeed, we are involved in a breakneck speed live (life?) which puts recurring psychological and physical pressure onus everyday, and thus having fun with closed friends is an indispensable partof our daily occupation. Nonetheless, closed friendship is not just abouthaving fun and sharing happiness, but involving overcoming difficulties aswell. Clearly, it makessense that making friends that will help you when in trouble.

First of all, having access to your closedfriends when you are encountering problems will benefits you a lot. To beginwith, loyal friends will support each other, no matter what terrible situationthey are faced. Some friendships go through formidable adversities and then last for a longtime, leading their relationships to be more meaningful. Also, it is unlikelythat we may feel uneasy among our friends, making it available to express ourdisappointed emotion and ask for suggestion and help. Since no one has toworry about being imperfect when getting along with their friends(这好像是个从句唉). Finally, nothing can be morehelpful than the advice of a trustworthy friend, who understanding （understand） and accompany you to combat the trouble. Undoubtedly, it is suchsincere friends that promote us to be well-sounded and reassure your depressedfeeling.

Additionally, the company of helpful friends can substitutethe absence of your family members, especially for people who are alonepursuing their learning targets. Sometimes a student who is studying far fromhis hometown will make sincere friends and treat them like their immediatefamily. They shower on them (them 貌似指代不明，是指students还是students’ friendship，建议换成后者) the care that they might provide their brothers orsisters and receive the comfort and companionship in return. Many students whostudy alone enjoy that relationship of a terrific friend instead of loved oneswho may be at a distance. The friends are just like the family members for them （哈，我觉得for them 放在句首更顺当） and, because of theirsupporting and mutual understanding, deserve the same treatment that ones' (one’s) immediate family might receive.

Admittedly, the benefits of friends to have funwith should not be denied. The increasingly high mental and physical strain dueto everyday work will last for many years in terms of the unprecedented progression of the wholesociety and white-hotcompetition. Thus, it is essential for us to have some friends to havegatherings and enjoy entertainments regularly. However, that kind of friendshipwill meet challenges when in difficulties and won't be maintained to beconsistent. Apparently, a friend who is enthusiastic and cooperative when you arein need will stick with you whenever you are disappointed with your work.

Overall, even though friends who have a sense ofhumor and bring you much fun may, to some extent, relieve yourself from yourdepression due to repeated pressure, it is no wonder that a friend in need will effectively motivateyou both emotionally and intellectually, （+and 连结motivate 和bring 两个小短语句子？后面的and可以换成as well as）bring about a lifetime andunforgettable friendship.
To 探索者： 拜读大作，除了个别无伤大雅的小错误，已经灰常perfect了，赞一个

婷婷connie

4.26 独立改文
4月26日101030 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are now easier to become educated than in the past.
Some individuals indicate that technology not only provides modern people with more options, but complicates our lives as well. Therefore, people may meet many challenges when being educated, such as tough courses and different strange terminologies. However, in fact, it is evident that people of the contemporary society are becoming educated much easier, simply because the remarkable increase of the ability of teachers（两个of结构，感觉怪怪的） and easy access to well-rounded schools.
这个开头很精彩哦


Indeed, it is the improvement of our teachers' patience and teaching experience that makes education easier. To begin with, modern teachers have been gone through strict teaching practice and high-quality selection, which entitle them with cutting-edge pedagogical methods. With that capacity, teachers can conveniently approve to（这是什么用法？） the up-to-date information, the state-of-the-art technology and their students' inner world. Aside from the increasing ability, what really makes sense is teachers' responsibility, which can be expressed through their patient care about students' future development. Every school aged young individualswill be motivated by their teachers' guidance to set specific goals, like excelling in their academic studies, cultivating critical thinking ability, appreciating art works, taking part in campus social life and even plan their career path. Not only does the terrific direction promote the students to exhibit themselves in a larger stage, but contributes to the students' capacity for planning their own life. Apparently, we are all enjoy the most excellent teachers who only accounted for a small percent during the past.



Another reason I'm（I am） in favor of the statement is that government has invested much expenditure to enhance the teaching atmosphere, which leads to many perfect universities. For on thing, new sets of facilities, such as computers and convenient network, facilitate the universities with a solid foundation; for another, people are now more interested in joining socialized activities to exchange ideas about specific projects, which is unavailable for ancient people. It is no wonder that the progression of modern universities provides us with(用过了，换成offer/grant) perfect learning environment, making learning just a piece of cake.



Granted, the white-hot competition and new terms combined with formidable explanations leave obstruct on the way of schooling. Nonetheless, those challenges also give rise to people's awareness of compete（competing） for the best and struggling(也可以用striving)hard, which overcome the difficulties due to the complicated daily occupations. In contrast, during the past, people were suffering（suffered from） poverished（impoverished/poor/miserable） living condition and faced with(这里的face是及物的)the danger with starvation, let alone sparing no effort for knowledge. Even people of last century from most part of the world had no access to such advanced teaching facilities and thoughts. Therefore, people's desire of pursuing their dreams contributes to less difficult learning.
这一段说理欠佳，可以说一下尽管贫穷，人们怎么pursuit educational chances


Overall, even though modern society is inundated with fatal lures and complicated issues, with the examples above I want to illustrate (,)the statement that people are now easier to be educated than in the past really makes sense.

Conclusion：探险者的词汇很丰富啊,行云流水,即使有几个小错误也是无所谓的。

          让步说理方面还要加强~向你学习

易雨水巷

明天一早tpo22今晚有事儿,抱歉T.T

TPO22 综合
Thereading passage explores some reasons for why ethanol cannot be goodalternative fro (for)gasoline, which is opposed by the instructor inthe listening. And he refutes the opinions of the author with threejustifications.



To begin with, the author of the readingindicates that the increase use of ethanol is not useful to combat problems ofglobal warming. However, the instructor contradicts that idea. He admits thatthe burn of ethanol will give rise to carbon dioxide. But the growth of small(?) plants like corns, which ethanol is made from,will counteract the released carbon dioxide. For example, every plant absorbsthat as part of its nutrition all around the year, removing the carbon dioxidefrom the atmosphere.



What's more, the large scale of production of ethanol won'treduce the source of food for animals. Since people can produce ethanol fromcertain material, which is the component of the cell wall. Also, that kind ofplant is not eaten by animal. Therefore, the illustration made by the lecturermakes the author's view unconvincing.



Finally, he analyzes that the price of theethanol fuel will compete with that of gasoline, which challenges the standpoint of the reading.Even though the tax subsidies make the price cheaper, it won't always need thesupport. With more people buy ethanol, more producers will improve itsproduction, thereby the price dropping. The price of the ethanol will go downquickly as more ethanol is being available.



赞

lxyuan2001

4月25日110708 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to choose friends that could have fun with than to choose friends that will help you when you are in need.

Indeed, we are involved in a breakneck speed live (in a life of breakneck speed) which puts recurring psychological and physical pressure on us everyday, and thus having fun with closed(close, 后同) friends is an indispensable part of our daily occupation. Nonetheless, closed friendship is not just about having fun and sharing happiness, but involving overcoming difficulties as well. Clearly, it makes sense that making friends that will help you when in trouble.



First of all, having access to your closed friends when you are encountering problems will benefits you a lot. To begin with, loyal friends will support each other, no matter what terrible situation they are faced. Some friendships go through formidable adversities and then last for a long time, leading their relationships to be more meaningful. Also, it is unlikely that we may feel uneasy among our friends, thus (分句是因果关系，加上thus舒服些)making it available（convenient更好些） to express our disappointed emotion（直接用disappointment更地道些） and ask for suggestion and help. Since no one has to worry about being imperfect when getting along with their friends.（这个句子问题大了点，第一since引导的是从句，因此不该是句号。第二如果since引导的从句是在解释上面的分句，那么和’it is unlikely that we may feel uneasy’重复。可以把since这句和unlikely这句合并下滴） Finally, nothing can be more helpful than the advice of a trustworthy friend, who understanding（understands） and accompanies you to combat the trouble. Undoubtedly, it is such sincere friends that promote us to be well-sounded and reassure your depressed feeling.



Additionally, the company of helpful friends can substitute(supplement) the absence of your family members, especially for people who are alone pursuing their learning targets. Sometimes a student who is studying far from his hometown will make sincere friends and treat them like their immediate family. They shower on them the care that they might provide their brothers or sisters and receive the comfort and companionship in return. Many students who study alone enjoy that relationship of a terrific friend instead of loved ones who may be at a distance. The friends are just like the family members for them and, because of their supporting and mutual understanding, deserve the same treatment that ones' immediate family might receive.



Admittedly, the benefits of friends to have fun with should not be denied. The increasingly high mental and physical strain(有点重复开头的句子，可以改成increasingly rapid pace of life) due to everyday work will last for many years in terms of the unprecedented progression of the whole society and white-hot competition. Thus, it is essential for us to have some friends to have gatherings and enjoy entertainments regularly. However, that kind of friendship will meet challenges when in difficulties(in face of difficulties) and won't be maintained to be consistent(consistently 比较地道). Apparently, a friend who is enthusiastic and cooperative when you are in need will stick with you whenever you are disappointed with your work.



Overall, even though friends who have a sense of humor and bring you much fun may, to some extent, relieve yourself from your depression due to repeated pressure, it is no wonder that a friend in need will effectively motivate you both emotionally and intellectually, bring about a lifetime and unforgettable friendship.



这篇明显的进步是逻辑，递进、让步、对比、转折用的都恰到好处。语言方面的问题我标出了一部分，我建议你可以多看看CNN,BBC的living频道，他们写作很地道，不像185范文用词别扭得很。一起加油！

lxyuan2001

4月26日101030 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are now easier to become educated than in the past.
Some individuals indicate that technology not only provides modern people with more options, but complicates our lives as well. Therefore, people may meet many challenges when being educated, such as tough courses and different strange terminologies. However, in fact, it is evident that people of the contemporary society are becoming educated much easier, simply because of the remarkable increase of the ability of teachers and easy access to well-roundedschools(这可以试着用educational institutions).



Indeed, it is the improvement of our teachers' patience and teaching experience that makes education easier. To begin with, modern teachers have beengone through strict teaching practice and high-quality selection, which entitle them withcutting-edge pedagogical methods. With that capacity, teachers can conveniently approve (access) to the up-to-date information, the state-of-the-art technology and their students' inner world. Aside from the increasing ability, what really makes sense is teachers' responsibility, which can be expressed through their patient care about students' future development. Every school aged young individual will be motivated by their teachers' guidance to set specific goals, like excelling in their academic studies, cultivating critical thinking ability, appreciating art works, taking part in campus social life and even planning their career path. Not only does（语法有点问题，应该是the terrific direction not only promotes but contributes, 否则这个倒装对应的谓语不并列） the terrific direction promotes the students to exhibit themselves in(on) a larger stage, but contributes to the students' capacity for planning their own life. Apparently, we are all enjoy the most excellent teachers who only accounted for a small percent during the past.(这句话改成这样会不会更清楚些: apparently, the most excellent teachers we enjoyed in the past only accounted for a small percent at that time.)



Another reason I'm in favor of the statement is that government has invested much expenditure to enhance the teaching atmosphere, which leads to many perfect universities. For on thing, new sets of facilities, such as computers and convenient network, facilitate the universities with a solid foundation （加上of hardware）; for another, people are now more interested in joining socialized activities to exchange ideas about specific projects, which is unavailable for ancient people. It is no wonder that the progression of modern universities provides us with perfect learning environment, making learning just a piece of cake.



Granted, the white-hot competition and new terms combined with formidable explanations（这个和competition不太能够构成并列，换成overcomplicated classification of disciplines怎么样） leave obstruct（obstruction） on the way of schooling. Nonetheless, those challenges also give rise to people's awareness of compete（competing） for the best and struggling hard, which overcome the difficulties due to the complicated daily occupations. In contrast, during the past, people were suffering poverished(大哥！木有这词儿啊！) living condition and faced with the danger with starvation, let alone sparing no effort for knowledge. Even people of last century from most part of the world had no access to such advanced teaching facilities and thoughts. Therefore, people's desire of pursuing their dreams contributes to less difficult learning.



Overall, even though modern society is inundated with fatal lures and complicated issues, with the examples above I want to illustrate（如果不删这个，下面的make sense就多了，因为有倆谓语） the statement that people are now easier to be educated than in the past really makes sense.

lxyuan2001

自己的：
TPO 20: Success people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well.
A recent poll conducted by an American education agency shows that creativity is the single most important trait of successful people. One may argue that other characteristics such as leadership, communication skills and education background should also be taken into account. However, there is no more fundamental and influential factor than being creative and adventurous that can lead to one's success. I would like to try to illustrate my opinion as below.

First and foremost, the courage to try new things and to take risks lays foundation for new opportunities for people who crave for achievement. History abounds with examples of this. Steve Jobs, someone who inspired the world with his imagination, had never given up seeking new opportunities to pursue his dream, that is, to develop an ideal machine that would change the basic way of our life. At the beginning of his career, his curiosity led him the way to a small niche market in computer industry, and with an unusual boldness he grasp this chance and gained his fame at the age of 23. Lacking a glamorous education background, or a talent in software design, he gradually reached the peak of his career by utilizing his creativity to the fullest.

Second, people who are willing to explore new fields are likely to obtain greater rewards and accomplishment than those who are reluctant to take risks on new things. One example is the traders in investment bank. We are always astonished by how much money a trader can earn within a night. However, as far as I know, about 80% of prop traders have extraordinarily strong ability to conquer their fear of the risks. And more surprisingly, high risks often are linked with their increased excitement, because they know that the existence of the risks always mean a chance to win.  Researchers can be another excellent example. Compared to Chinese academic researchers, American and European researchers possess much more intellectual properties, because they were trained to think critically. Being creative is like one of the instincts of excellent researchers.

Admittedly, being over-confident when taking a risk and discovering new things can inevitably result in failure. That's why precautions are always in need when successful people start to 'gamble': Traders are taught to be ready at any critical point to cut loss; researchers will not involve too deep into a vast area in absence of financial and academic support; businessman will make sure that the company has capacity to bear potential loss. Obviously, one should never take risks without considering possible consequences deliberately.  

Based on the discussions above, we can draw a conclusion that the trait of being creative and adventurous is essential to entrepreneurs, academic researchers, businessmen. At the same time, planning for potential failure and set up precautions are always wise choices to achieve success.








TPO 21, For success in a future job, the ability to relate well with people is more important than studying hard in school.

As the world becomes more synthesized with various types of relationship, everyone is standing in the middle of a huge personal network, which allows us to move toward our goals in an easier way. At the same time, the rapid expansion of information leads us into an era full of competition that one cannot succeed without solid education background. While some people argue that it's a dilemma of how to balance between developing interpersonal skills and working hard in school to attain certifications, I would insist that both of them are critical to one's success in contemporary society.

On one hand, building up strong interpersonal skills lays foundation for one's career path. Someone who possesses excellent skill to relate with people have greater chance to boost their professional life. Take one of my family member's experience as example. My aunt, a traditional Chinese lady with enthusiasm and intelligence, had found serious problem in managing client relationship in the early days of her business. Given how much she has devoted to her job, it's unusual that the number of her clients gradually slipped. She cannot help feeling frustrated until one day she sorted out the real reason behind this problem- it's her honest or straightforward way of communication that made her client feel uncomfortable and even embarrassed. In awareness of this, she started to behave gentle and polite with some tactics, instead of saying everything directly out of her mind. Soon she began to earn great impression from the clients.

On the other hand, an absence of good academic record in school can be disastrous to one's career path. Imagine if someone who was completely indulged in computer games or other recreational things in university, it's highly possible that he/she failed to foster a clear sense of his/her future, let alone developing competitive research skills and analytical ability. Moreover, studying hard in schools not only help one to obtain degrees, but also inspire the students to discover the real interests or desire in their hearts, because only through exploring one's mind can he or she become determined about life goals and self value.

In addition, going to either extreme of developing interpersonal skills and studying hard in school can impair personal development. If too much energy is distributed to solidifying relationship, one may become flamboyant of material life and neglect the significance of profound, systematic knowledge. On the other end, although someone who possesses profound and incisive understanding of the world, lacking interpersonal skills can result in solitude, which in turn makes him/her feel isolated or even desperate.

Based on the discussions above, we can conclude that the balance, although appears to be hard, between developing personal network and working hard in academic subjects play an indispensable role in achieve success.

探险者

TPO 20: Success people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well.
A recent poll conducted by an American education agency shows that creativity is the single most important trait of successful people. One may argue that other characteristics such as leadership, communication skills and education background should also be taken into account. However, there is no more fundamental and influential factor（s） than being creative and adventurous that can lead to one's success. I would like to try to illustrate my opinion as below.

First and foremost, the courage to try new things and to take risks lays （a solid，只是为了强调一下）foundation for new opportunities for people who crave for achievement. History abounds with examples of this. Steve Jobs, someone who inspired the world with his imagination, had never given up seeking new opportunities to pursue his dream, that is, to develop an ideal machine that would change the basic way of our life. At the beginning of his career, his curiosity led him the way to a small niche market in computer industry, and with an unusual boldness he grasp this chance and gained his fame at the age of 23. Lacking a glamorous（glamorous是“富有魅力，吸引人的”，觉得使用brilliant表示“杰出辉煌灿烂”更好） education background, or a talent in software design, he gradually reached the peak of his career by utilizing his creativity to the fullest.

Second, people who are willing to explore new fields are likely to obtain greater rewards and accomplishment than those who are reluctant to take risks on new things. One example is the traders in investment bank. We are always astonished by how much money a trader can earn within a night. However, as far as I know, about 80% of prop traders have extraordinarily strong ability to conquer their fear of the（觉得这个the可以不要） risks. And more surprisingly, high risks often are（正确的语序是are often，如果是一个行为动词，则是often go等等，often，usually等用于be动词之后） linked with their increased excitement, because they know that the existence of the risks always mean（s，和前面的existence对应，主谓一致）a chance to win.  Researchers can be another excellent example. Compared to Chinese academic researchers, American and European researchers possess much more intellectual properties, because they were（为什么要用were，觉得用一般现在时就好）trained to think critically. Being creative is like one of the instincts of excellent researchers.

Admittedly, being over-confident when taking a risk and discovering new things can inevitably result in failure. That's why precautions are always in need when successful people start to 'gamble': Traders are taught to be ready at any critical point to cut loss; researchers will not involve too deep into a vast area in absence of financial and academic support; businessman will make sure that the company has （the）capacity to bear potential loss. Obviously, one should never take risks without considering possible consequences deliberately.

Based on the discussions above, we can draw a conclusion that the trait of being creative and adventurous is essential to entrepreneurs, academic researchers, businessmen. At the same time, planning for potential failure and set up precautions are always wise choices to achieve success.

文章已经写得很好了，保持势头啊，继续努力。我觉得就托福考试来讲，现在不必写太多文章了，因为行文的思路和用词已经很不错了，可以看看10和11两年的机经，把其中的难题构思一下，准备充分些。尤其是不同话题，这样可以减少考试由于构思用去的时间。

TPO 21, For success in a future job, the ability to relate well with people is more important than studying hard in school.

As the world becomes more synthesized with（觉得这个用法不多见啊，是不是用be inundated with就行了）various types of relationship, everyone is standing in the middle of（可以直接用is involved in）a huge personal network, which allows us to move toward our goals in an easier way. At the same time, the rapid expansion of information（表示信息爆炸可以用information boom） leads us into an era full of competition that one cannot succeed without solid education background. While some people argue that it's a dilemma of how to balance between developing interpersonal skills and working hard in school to attain certifications, I would insist that both of them are critical to one's success in contemporary society.

On one hand, building up strong interpersonal skills lays foundation for one's career path. Someone who possesses excellent skill to relate with people have greater chance to boost their professional life. Take one of my family member's experience as （an）example. My aunt, a traditional Chinese lady with enthusiasm and intelligence, had found serious problem in managing client relationship in the early days of her business. Given how much she has devoted to her job, it's unusual that the number of her clients gradually slipped. She cannot help feeling frustrated until one day she sorted out the real reason behind this problem- it's her honest or straightforward way of communication that made her client feel uncomfortable and even embarrassed. In awareness of this, she started to behave gentle and polite with some tactics, instead of saying everything directly out of her mind. Soon she began to earn great impression from the clients. （我觉得在你的例子后面可不可以加一个总结，也就是转述你这段的要点。在上一篇文章中，那个关于乔布斯的例子很好的把这两点结合起来了。觉得举例子说理比空洞的单纯讲道理好的多，起码更真实，有说服力）

On the other hand, an absence of good academic record in school can be disastrous to one's career path. Imagine if someone who was completely indulged in computer games or other recreational things in university, it's highly possible that he/she failed to foster a clear sense of his/her future, let alone（顶） developing competitive research skills and analytical ability. Moreover, studying hard in schools not only help one to obtain degrees, but also inspire the students to discover the（their） real interests or desire in their hearts, because only through exploring one's mind can he or she become determined about life goals and self value.

In addition, going to either extreme of developing interpersonal skills and studying hard in school can impair personal development. If too much energy is distributed to solidifying relationship, one may become flamboyant of material life and neglect the significance of profound, systematic knowledge. On the other end, although someone who possesses profound and incisive understanding of the world, lacking interpersonal skills can result in solitude, which in turn makes him/her feel isolated or even desperate.

Based on the discussions above, we can conclude that the balance, although appears to be hard, between developing personal network and working hard in academic subjects play an indispensable role in achieve success.

这么说呢，我自己觉得把两种观点混在一起，不是很好写，主要是不好把握，总觉得有个侧重点会比较好。当然，姐姐你这篇文章还是把两方面都描述的比较具体，不过个人觉得深入程度上interpersonal skills写的更深刻，更有说服力。这样我觉得可以把倒数第二段和最后一段并在一起作为结尾，对你的主题，要兼顾二者会体现的更好一些。

举例子很好啊，觉得自己不太善于发掘例子，所以说理很空洞。从和你的对改中，改正了不少自己以前常犯的错误，还有努力啊。

与君共勉

探险者

贴一篇自己的
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time?

The advent of increasing cutting edge technology has been breaking the old lifestyles and putting people in touch with mounting pressure due to high workload. Therefore, it seems that people's career plans are more spurred by the vacation time than high salary.



Few would deny that the vacation time plays a significant role in people's daily lives, especially for the blue-collars and the white-collars. First, people can benefit from more leisure time after work as they can participate in some kinds of sports to enhance their physical health. Preeminent managers of the Wall Street have been involved in constant dealing, mostly from their early career onward, and have to encounter reacurring psychological strain due to the downsizing. Consequently, they can enjoy little leisure time to relieve themselves from the high pressure of work and are always led to wrongdoings even like drugs, which have been demonstrated in the film Inside Job. Second, parents who devote themselves to their work usually have few time to accompany their kids. Adolescents are always expected to take extra-class courses of their lives and interpersonal skills given by upbringing, and thus students with working parents are remarkably lack of that, which cause to addiction to video games or even juvenile delinquency. In this case, the more vacation time people have, the better life they might lead.



Furthermore, appropriate spare time during work is indispensable of the progression of companies. With regard to the expectation of the boss, it is nonetheless possibly to deny their concentration on the staff's efficiency, wherever people always focus much more attention on their job satisfaction. The necessity of both the employers and the employees can solely be met with jobs with more vacation time. It is reported that workers who are satisfied with their works and have enough sleeping can express their top abilities when deal with problems, which resolves the worry of the leaders. More importantly, in the contemporary society, it is not uncommon that people of a team also join force in some relaxations during their vacations to enhance their mutual understanding and skills of cooperation. Additionally, that is also a terrific method for freshmen to incorporate what they have experienced with the distinct entrepreneur culture. Only with more leisure time and abundant energy can staff of certain company promote it to a higher level.



Undoubtedly, people are truly discovered their needs and job satisfaction due to a dear deserve, not informed by the vacation time. Admittedly, we human beings are born with the natural desire to lead a better life. Apart from the basic necessities, we always put ourselves in the track of reaching a comparable living standard of our peers. Also, consumers often prefer to purchase endorsements matched to their status. As a result, dreaming compensations have to be taken into consideration when deciding which job to undertake.



Overall, I believe more vacation time plays a critical role in both ensuring ones' health welfare and creating profitability for companies, which has been empirically proven by the ever-increasing leisure time in most industries. Although some people do recognize their own needs, this recognition might be reversed by the disappointing outcomes due to lacking sleeping and adjustment. And thus choosing a job with fantastic vacation time really makes sense.