婷婷connie的作文帖~勇者创造机会，愚者等待机会

婷婷connie

TPO15综合修改
The writer come up with several measures are effective to stop the spread of the cane toad in Australia. In contrast, the professor is skeptical(of/about) these suggestions when considering in depth and she thinks these solutions are not effective and unsuccessful(这里是并列的，建议两个词写得形式一致，如：ineffective and unsuccessful或neither effective nor successful) at all.


To begin with, the author thinks up with a good way to prevent to spread of the toad(prevent the cane toad from spreading) is (+to build a ) the national fence. But the lecturer refutes it by arguing that such national fence cannot prevent the young generation of the toad as well as their eggs(这里表达的很好！) since they could easily flow from one side though the other side in water.


Besides, the lecturer casts doubt on the writer's views that the toads could be captured and destroyed by volunteers. The lecturer confirms that a good many of native frogs are likely to be damaged by some unexperienced volunteers, because common volunteers can not distinguish the young toads from native frogs unless these persons receive specific train.


Moreover, the writer declares that a disease-causing virus is able to control the cane toad populations. Conversely, the lecturer disproves that view. She holds that kind of virus engenders an unpredictable result on the original amphibian species. Furthermore, as these infected species move into other continents, the whole eco-system eventually suffers a lot.



婷婷的综合写得很好了，要点都有，表达多样，用词精炼，找不出什么错误来了。

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/4/22 10:19:49)

谢谢晨依改文，以后我会注意用词的一致性，还有地道表达的~

chasedreamabc

Nowadays(建议换一个开头，好像这个四级都被写烂了), a great number of professors are engaged in both teaching and researching. Is this essentially benefit（benefiting） the education and science industry? My answer is no. For people can not（cannot）master several tasks at meantime, I prefer the universityprofessor to put the first priority on instructing students.（Prefer A to B.）

First of all, a professor's job of helping students obtain specific knowledge and carrying out trials helps him（前面是students）receive people's respect(如果是obtain 是谓语动词呢，professor's job不能obtain；那students obtain，那整个句子主干是a professor's job helps him ，这样就应该是被动吧。恩，我看这个句子有点纠结，有待继续讨论). As a university teacher, his first work is attracting his students into the ocean of knowledge. Only when the students are edified, they can try their best to study. Take the Confucius as an example; he is（孔先生应该跪了吧） a great Chinese thinker and social philosopher. His salient donation is that he had cultivated a group of celebrities through his lifetime. He is a selfless man who regards teaching as his life. Therefore, he is esteemed by people around the world till today. So, a professor's first job is teaching.（如果对你这句argument的话，Alex可以说first是teaching，但是现在是second了，原文是main role，first也没有主要的意思。而且first在首段用过了，换一个词，显得量大。可能这个纯属GMAT后遗症）

Furthermore, the effects of educating several students come out in a short time. Since a specific research is a painstaking task which may take more than ten years without any outcomes, it is favor for a university professor to educate students first. Take one of my teacher Davy as a case, he is an outstanding academician in my school, however, he always sets himself into a narrow libratory. This made him unavailable for students（however不能作为连接词，所以这句话有不止一个谓语动词）; Some students even cannot recognize him on the street. Conversely, another excellent teacher Lily who is ready to help students with their learning problems（another excellent teacher，然后呢，S+V+O，没有V,O了）. Those students later became expert in that field; they came back and thanked her sincerely. Thus, we figure out that Lily is more likely to benefit from her work than Davy.  

Besides, since researching job demands high degree of concentration, a university professor cannot balance his own teaching and researching well. It is commonly accepted that teaching is a way to cover people's needs, and researching is an approach to pursue one's own interest. Which is more beneficial? No doubt it is the former（不倒装吗）. So, we can conclude that a university professor basically will take his teaching job first.（beginning吧，都出现3次了，在段末的时候）

To sum up, as the university professors are the main stream to cultivate students with scientific and experimental spirits, they are supposed to spare no efforts on the nation's（national） educational career. I believe, with the donation of academicians, college students will get better prepared to make contributions for the nation.（最后来一个点题更好吧，这句话没什么用处对这个题目来说吧）

喵喵了个咪

改4.21 综合
The main topic is about whether human population and the corresponding results in the decline of bird's number or not. The writer gives three reasons while the lecturer thinks these proposes are all unconvincing with following points.

To begin with, the narrator disagree with the author's view that human's expanding settlements cause natural habitats of birds to disappear. Instead, the narrator holds that birds' habitats are better and larger since human populations are bigger and bigger(用more and more), and the bird's nest is available even in cities. By the way, though some number of birds decline, other number of birds do increase. (要是把例子写出来就更好了)

Moreover, the writer declares that bird habits have to give way to agricultural activities in rural areas. On contrary,  the lecturer disproves with this point, and he argues: with the advent of a new crops which is able to produce more rice in less area, these(there) is enough room for people to grow crops. Therefore, the bird habitats need not be converted to agricultural use.

Besides,  the writer puts forwards with the harm that pesticides exert on bird. Conversely, the professor regards it as an uncorrected excuse. And he refutes the side-effects by two evidence. On the one hand, different from  the traditional pesticides, scientists invent a new kind of pesticides which is friendly to birds. On the other hand, the recent introduction of crop has the same function as pesticides to expel pests,(这句细节有问题，pesticide的作用是杀虫，而新作物的作用是不吸引害虫。两者是不同的影响。) thus, making birds avoid suffering from pesticides.

论点都写到了，passage和lecture 的篇幅比例也把握的很好，美中不足就是细节把握的欠佳。

你说的那个开头摆对立观点我觉得摆出听力部分的观点再说明阅读部分与之相悖就行了。不建议明确摆出阅读观点。毕竟重点在听力部分。主要的得分点都在后三段。

婷婷connie

4.22 独立 改改后
Nowadays(我错了，改成in contemporary society )(建议换一个开头，好像这个四级都被写烂了), a great number of professors are engaged in both teaching and researching. IsDoesthis essentially benefit（benefiting） the education and science industry? My answer is no. For people can not（cannot）master several tasks at meantime, I prefer the universityprofessor to put the first priority on instructing students.I hold that university professors should put the first priority on directing students.(查了一下，却是没有prefer sb to do sth 的用法)（Prefer A to B.）

First of all, a professor's jobofthathelping students obtain specificknowledge and carrying out trialshelpsmakeshim（前面是students）receive people's respect(这样改呢？怎么样)(如果是obtain 是谓语动词呢，professor's job不能obtain；那students obtain，那整个句子主干是a professor's job helps him ，这样就应该是被动吧。恩，我看这个句子有点纠结，有待继续讨论). As a university teacher, his first work is attracting his students into the ocean of knowledge. Only when the students are edified, they can try their best to study. Take the Confucius as an example; he is（孔先生应该跪了吧）（我用现在时是想表示客观的事实）a great Chinese thinker and social philosopher. His salient donation is that he had cultivated a group of celebrities through his lifetime. He is a selfless man who regards teaching as his life. Therefore, he is esteemed by people around the world till today. So, a professor's first job is teaching.So,  a professor should play a vital role in education instead of scientific search. (如果对你这句argument的话，Alex可以说first是teaching，但是现在是second了，原文是main role，first也没有主要的意思。而且first在首段用过了，换一个词，显得量大。可能这个纯属GMAT后遗症）

Furthermore, the effects of educating several students come out in a short time. Since a specific research is a painstaking task which may take more than ten years without any outcomes, it is favor for a university professor to educate students first. Take one of my teacher Davy as a case, he is an outstanding academician in my school,however,buthe always sets himself into a narrow libratory. This made him unavailable for students（however不能作为连接词，所以这句话有不止一个谓语动词）; Some students even cannot recognize him on the street. Conversely, another excellent teacher Lily who is ready to help students with their learning problems（another excellent teacher，然后呢，S+V+O，没有V,O了）.Those students later became expert in that field; they came back and thanked her sincerely. （这一句就是讲lily的啊）Thus, we figure out that Lily is more likely to benefit from her work than Davy.

Besides, since researching job demands high degree of concentration, a university professor cannot balance his own teaching and researching well. It is commonly accepted that teaching is a way to cover people's needs, and researching is an approach to pursue one's own interest. Which is more beneficial? No doubt it is the former（不倒装吗）. So, we can conclude that a university professor basically will take his teaching job first.（beginning吧，都出现3次了，在段末的时候）

To sum up, as the university professors are the main stream to cultivate students with scientific and experimental spirits, they are supposed to spare no efforts on the nation's（national） educational career. I believe, with the donation of academicians, college students will get better prepared to make contributions for the nation.Therefore, I believe that university professor must play an main role in education.（最后来一个点题更好吧，这句话没什么用处对这个题目来说吧）



不行了，自己都看不下去了啊，我决定再写一次！

stefaniewyh

改4月21日独立
红色为错误，蓝色为建议和疑问，绿色为总结
In contemporary society, an increasing number of people tend to be involved into the television or theater screen with the blossom of culture. While people who thinks heavily exposure to those media exert negative effects have ignore (ignored) the deep consideration of it, (这个分句套的句子太多了。。。看不太懂表达的意思，it 指代的什么呢？) I insist that advantages of movies and televisions outweigh those disadvantages.（开头简洁，主题明确，我需要像你学习！）

First of all, the movie and television offer people convenient approaches to acquire knowledge. For example, a movie based on environmental protection, where birds lose their habitats and fishes die away for the lack of water,（我分不太清这个句子是同位语还是状语从句，状语从句的话前面应该改成a movie happened on a sanctuary; 同位语的话后面连接词应该改成that） helps people realize the current state of our nature and enhances people participate in the green campaign. Besides, a movie made on campus may include large quantities of academic elements which would enhance (尽量少重复使用一个动词，可以用这个词的其他形式，例如换成被动或用名词形式：The enhancement information that students can get in a movie …. Is more than what they can get in classe) students get more than in class, such as cooperation spirit and diligent quality. So you see, that movie and television essentially bring people into the sea of knowledge. (这一段全部都是例子，缺少理论论证。说一些空话还是必要的。第二个例子应该是电影和真实校园生活相比较，用in class范围有点小)

Furthermore, a movie or a television program help people relax themselves from painstaking working or study.（形式一直比较好，两个词都可以做名词和动词） With the development of society, people are facing more fierce competition nowadays, thus they are under too much pressure. In this situation, movies and televisions play a vital role in entertainment industry to release people from a busy day's work. After working time, people would delightedly drop themselves in（into形象一点） a couch or have a date（date是特指男女朋友的约会哦，跟好朋友的约会最好用appointment） in the theater with others. Then, they can enjoy themselves and get tremendous happiness from those comedies or talk shows. This way, we can figure out that movies and televisions give people more freedom to chase their own happiness. （这段论述的很全面，但是缺少些亮点的句子，或者情感上的高潮，比如举例说明一下看了一个非常搞笑的电影让自己的疲惫情绪一扫而光之类的。用一些特殊句式会增色很多。）

Though I concede it may have something unhealthy such as pornographic scenes or violent contents in the programs to some degrees. People could take some measures to control its negative influences. For instance, the Chinese government has put out a new law for publishing people who commit crime arbitrarily to spread unhealthy contents via media.（理解不了这句话，你是在说publisher出版商呢？还是在说punish people惩罚干了？？？的人呢？） According to the paper（paper应该常用作论文吧，这里可以说policy/act/bill之类的）, a person who builds pornographic website would probably be sent in（in prison 是坐牢，这里应该是sent to prison） prison for at least 12 months. So you see,(这种结构要么在所有段都用，要么只用一次，不太确定这种太口语化的表达用在这里好不好哦，尽量用些表示结论性的正式短语吧) governmental regulations are actually effective to maintain movies and televisions' positive effects.（这段的主题应该是控制不良影响，所以最后归结到maintain positive effects逻辑有点跳跃，要么说restrain the negative effect of movies and televisions，要么再举个政府政策倡导和谐电影电视的例子过渡一下）

Considering all analysis above, it is（it is 句型用在这里感觉太突兀，要么吧via。。。句子提前，要么直接说people can not only … but also ….之类的，改成个it is 的强调句更好~） not only for people to obtain knowledge, but also to release oneself from heavy work via movies and televisions. As long as people take a close look at the function of these media, I believe we will get a better and enriched （感觉应该用rich比较好吧，你想表达被丰富的么？前面better是个形容词，后面最好也是个形容词，如果是形容词的话enriched的意思可能不太靠谱） life in the future.  





Conclusion：1）文章结构完整，强化正面并且完整阐述了反面，整体逻辑清晰。

2）行文上亮点句子比较少，句内的因果转折比较多，希望能丰富句子之间的关系。表达上感觉比较中式，推荐看看老美185，我看了几篇文章感觉表达方式上很多东西可学~多准备些高级单词和高级句式吧，还可以把主动变成被动表达，也可以增加文章的趣味性。

婷婷connie

4.21综合改改后

改4.21 综合
The main topic is about whether human population and the corresponding results in the decline of bird's number or not. The writer gives three reasons while the lecturer thinks these proposes are all unconvincing with following points.

To begin with, the narrator disagree with the author's view that human's expanding settlements cause natural habitats of birds to disappear. Instead, the narrator holds that birds' habitats are better and larger since human populations are bigger and bigger more and more(用more and more), and the bird's nest is available even in cities. By the way, though some number of birds decline, other number of birds do increase. For instance, the number of pigeon in unban area is bigger and bigger.(要是把例子写出来就更好了)

Moreover, the writer declares that bird habits have to give way to agricultural activities in rural areas. On contrary, the lecturer disproves with this point, and he argues: with the advent of a new crops which is able to produce more rice in less area, thesethere(there) is enough room for people to grow crops. Therefore, the bird habitats need not be converted to agricultural use.

Besides, the writer puts forwards with the harm that pesticides exert on bird. Conversely, the professor regards it as an uncorrected excuse. And he refutes the side-effects by two evidence. On the one hand, different from the traditional pesticides, scientists invent a new kind of pesticides which is friendly to birds. On the other hand,the recent introduction of crop has the same function as pesticides to expel pests,the recent introduction of pest-resist crop could cut down the use of pesticide.(这句细节有问题，pesticide的作用是杀虫，而新作物的作用是不吸引害虫。两者是不同的影响。) thus, making birds avoid suffering from pesticides.

婷婷connie

4.23 独立

4月23日10211 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.

In contemporary society, an increasing number of people realize the fundamentality of juvenile's education. Some people support the point that parents should pay close attention to children in case they make faults. Considering in depth, conversely, I argue that parents need to let children commit faults and learn from those faults.

To begin with, making children get lessons from their own mistakes is more effective than traditional ways. In the past, parents tended to deliver a didactic and serious speech to help their children understand whether a certain thing they should do or not. However, a recent survey made by China Juvenile Fund(CJF) reveals that over 80% of children dislike the traditional ways such as guiding speeches or instructing movies, instead, they prefer to learn from their own faults. Apparently, when children taste the failure by themselves, they would begin to think over the issue and realize their own weakness. This usually takes less time than parent's painstaking talk. So, allowing children make mistakes and learn from those mistakes is more effective than parents teaching them via a long and boring conversation.

Moreover, allowing children do something wrong and letting them solve the problem themselves plays a vital role in the enhancement of children's sense of achievement. In general, parents are used to criticize their children after they do something awful. This may make children upset and no longer dare try the same thing again. On the contrary, since parents just set hands off and give their children enough room to grow, they will receive an unexpected result: children march on with their own ideas, no matter they succeed or not, they would regard themselves as a big man. Specifically, when they overcome these problems determinately, a sense of achievement will unconsciously occur. Therefore, parents allowing children acquire experience through their mistakes enables children to cultivate a sense of achievement.    

I concede that some children may finally go astray if parents do not restrain these little errors. According to an old story, a little boy stolen a neighbor's spin and his mother praised him. Then the little boy gradually developed a bad habit of stealing other's goods. In the end, this boy was accused of the stealing something unvaluable, and this boy was regretful. What if his mother told him that was wrong when he stolen the first thing? From this case,we can figure out that: parents are supposed to behave themselves first as a model of their children.Besides, parents must control the causes when allowing children to make mistakes. Only in this way will children learn from their own mistakes and benefit a lot.

To sum up, it is more effective for parents to teach their children by allowing children to make mistakes and learning from those problems. Moreover, it helps children be more confident to face future challenges. Thus, with parents' cautious care, children will learn from their own mistakes.

婷婷connie

感谢stefaniewyh的细心修改啦
4月21日独立改改后

红色为错误，蓝色为建议和疑问，绿色为总结
In contemporary society, an increasing number of people tend to be involved into the television or theater screen with the blossom of culture. While people who thinks heavily exposure to those media exert negative effects(这是一个分句) have ignore (ignored) the deep consideration of it（it是指heavily exposure to those media）, (这个分句套的句子太多了。。。看不太懂表达的意思，it 指代的什么呢？)（整个句子这么改吧：many people think heavily exposure to those media exert negative influence, but they have ignored the deep consideration of media's advantages）I insist that advantages of movies and televisions outweigh those disadvantages.（开头简洁，主题明确，我需要像你学习！）

First of all, the movie and television offer people convenient approaches to acquire knowledge.Since the movie and television programs contain a good number of images, people are able to acquire knowledge from these vivid pictures instead of didactic and boring notes.For example, a movie based on environmental protection, where birds lose their habitats and fishes die away for the lack of water, According to the movie, audiences witness birds losing their habitats and fishes dying away for the lack of water.（我分不太清这个句子是同位语还是状语从句，状语从句的话前面应该改成a movie happened on a sanctuary; 同位语的话后面连接词应该改成that）(我想表达的是状语从句，用逗号隔开想的是非限制性的那种，不过我想错了，只能是非限制性定语从句)helps people realize the current state of our nature and enhances people participate in the green campaign. Besides, a movie made on campus may include large quantities of academic elements which would enhance (尽量少重复使用一个动词，可以用这个词的其他形式，例如换成被动或用名词形式：The enhancement information that students can get in a movie …. Is more than what they can get in classe) The enhancement information that students can get in a movie is more than what they can obtain in traditional class. students get more than in class, such as cooperation spirit and diligent quality. So you see, that movie and television essentially bring people into the sea of knowledge. (这一段全部都是例子，缺少理论论证。说一些空话还是必要的。第二个例子应该是电影和真实校园生活相比较，用in class范围有点小)

Furthermore, a movie or a television program help people relax themselves from painstaking working orstudy studying.（形式一直比较好，两个词都可以做名词和动词） With the development of society, people are facing more fierce competition nowadays, thus they are under too much pressure. In this situation, movies and televisions play a vital role in entertainment industry to release people from a busy day's work. After working time, people would delightedly drop themselves in into（into形象一点） a couch or have adateappointment（date是特指男女朋友的约会哦，跟好朋友的约会最好用appointment） in the theater with others. Specifically, watching a comedy help people far way working pressure and refresh themselves. Then, they can enjoy themselves and get tremendous happiness from those comedies or talk shows. This way, we can figure out that movies and televisions give people more freedom to chase their own happiness. （这段论述的很全面，但是缺少些亮点的句子，或者情感上的高潮，比如举例说明一下看了一个非常搞笑的电影让自己的疲惫情绪一扫而光之类的。用一些特殊句式会增色很多。）

Though I concede it may have something unhealthy such as pornographic scenes or violent contents in the programs to some degrees. People could take some measures to control its negative influences. For instance, the Chinese government has put out a new law for publishing people who commit crime arbitrarily to spread unhealthy contents via media.(这里想表达的是惩罚犯了……罪的人)（理解不了这句话，你是在说publisher出版商呢？还是在说punish people惩罚干了？？？的人呢？） According to the paper policy（paper应该常用作论文吧，这里可以说policy/act/bill之类的）, a person who builds pornographic website would probably be sent in（send +一种坐牢的状态）（in prison 是坐牢，这里应该是sent to prison） prison for at least 12 months. So you see Therefore,(这种结构要么在所有段都用，要么只用一次，不太确定这种太口语化的表达用在这里好不好哦，尽量用些表示结论性的正式短语吧) governmental regulations are actually effective to （restrain its negative effects and ）maintain movies and televisions' positive effects.（这段的主题应该是控制不良影响，所以最后归结到maintain positive effects逻辑有点跳跃，要么说restrain the negative effect of movies and televisions，要么再举个政府政策倡导和谐电影电视的例子过渡一下）

Considering all analysis above, it is（it is 句型用在这里感觉太突兀，要么吧via。。。句子提前，要么直接说people can not only … but also ….之类的，改成个it is 的强调句更好~） not only for people to obtain knowledge, but also to release oneself from heavy work via movies and televisions (that movies and televisions play a vital role,当时写的时候就想来个强调句的). As long as people take a close look at the function of these media, I believe we will get a better and enrichedricher（感觉应该用rich比较好吧，你想表达被丰富的么？前面better是个形容词，后面最好也是个形容词，如果是形容词的话enriched的意思可能不太靠谱） life in the future.
Conclusion：1）文章结构完整，强化正面并且完整阐述了反面，整体逻辑清晰。
2）行文上亮点句子比较少，句内的因果转折比较多，希望能丰富句子之间的关系。表达上感觉比较中式，推荐看看老美185，我看了几篇文章感觉表达方式上很多东西可学~多准备些高级单词和高级句式吧，还可以把主动变成被动表达，也可以增加文章的趣味性。

晨依Jacqueline

TPO18综合修改~
感觉婷婷的综合写作已经很完美了，尤其是多样的模板运用让人印象很深啊！
In the reading, the writer puts forward three ways to address the decline of Torreya, a type of evergreen tree, which will soon become extinct. However, the lecturer casts doubt on these solutions. She thinks they are unsuccessful and her views are as follows.

To begin with, the lecturer disproves the writer's propose to reestablish Torreya in the same location. She argues that with the influence of global warming, the thrived area is strongly effected: the microclimate of Florida has changed a lot and it is even drier than before. Therefore, the original location is no longer suitable for the tree to grow.

Moreover, the narrator is skeptical about the author's standpoint that moving(move) Torreya to an entirely different location. The narrator believes, since Torreya is transformed to a totally new ecological system like in a northerner place, its population will be increased(我觉得可以不用被动形式)at a rapid speed. This may make other species in that system become endangered.So, the outcome is unpredictable.

Least but not least, the writer asserts that research centers are suitable places to preserve Torreya. On(+the) contrary, the professor confirms that is not a(n) idea(l) solution to release this problem. She stresses a situation that trees may catch up with(?) some disease and they can resist the disease genetically by existing together in natural environment. Conversely, the research center does not have abundant capacity to hold such a big population of the tree. Thus, it is unlikely for the research center to protect the tree in the long term.

婷婷connie

4.24综合 tpo20
The passage is mainly discusses the three damages of the " let it burn" policy from aspects of plants , animals and economy. The listening material casts doubt on those damages. On contrary,  the speaker insists this policy is creative other than destructive.

To begin with, the author declares that Yellowstone fires caused tremendous damage to the park
s trees and other vegetation. Conversely, the narrator disproves this point. She argues: since a great deal of new plants were cultivated after the big fire, besides, the certain lands were more suitable for plants to grow, thus the vegetation was more diverse than before.

Moreover, the writer asserts that the park wildlife was also affected. However the narrator refutes that by proving the fact that more species such as rabbits came into blossom for the fire created pivotal living conditions for those creatures: the ideal habitats for them and made food chains stronger.

Furthermore, the writer stresses the negative influence on the local economy due to the less tourist attraction. Opposite to this view, the professor explains that its tourists were actually not too many before the fire as the low rainfall or other unattracting sights. but Yellowstone witnesses another tourist season next year after the big fire. Thus the fire did not restrain its popularity as well as the local economy.