Kate的作文帖

xiaxiaya

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-12 22:55
8月12日独立你同不同意that 學生參加學校的organization 和activities club is as important as their acad ...

蓝色是好词好句，绿色是建议，红色是可能有错的地方

Schools are the places where we learn scientific knowledge and skills and qualify ourselves for the future career. Admittedly,we get most of what will be helpful for job career from academic classes.However, we cannot dismiss the importance of organizations and activity clubs of ( in) the school where we can also learn many useful capacities from various activities.

【楼主这个开头很不错，很清晰~要是点一下topic可能会更好~这个开头改写没有提到题目里“相等”这个关键词。。个人思路而已~】

In today’s society, it is impossible to overstate the importance of good communication skills. We have to work cooperatively with others and（这两句用标点隔开可能比较好一点） a good communicator finds it easier to put forth his ideas clearly. In academic classes which professors are mainly charge of,students have few opportunities to practice their communication ability.  But organizations and clubs will providevarious activities for students to speak out their thoughts loudly, thusimproving their ability to communicating with others. （这两个课内外对比的分析很清晰，学习了~）For example, after a students takes a speech contest which is held by an English club, I am sure that he or she will make a quite progress ( quite progress好像不太地道) in English speaking ability.

【这一段的分析说理很流畅，逻辑也很清晰，学习了~】

Besides, when participating in an organization or a club, students can make many friends who have the same interests with themselves. These friends not only give you good companies (give companies搭配好像也不常见哦) in your school life but also probably become your business partners one day in the future. Yu Minhong, the founder of the New Oriental Education & Technology Group, met with his cooperators at Peking University.

【这段显得有些单薄，事例后跟上一些分较析和总结会比好~】

One may argue that study is the most important thing of school life and attending clubs will certainly distract your attention from your study. Activities afterschool may be a factor of distraction, but from the other side, one man（去掉就好了，one也可以表达一个人） cannot focus on one（改成a same或是换一种说法？） thing for too long ,which will make your brain tired and not function well. In this circumstance, these activities will be a relaxation to your body and your brain. You will have a clear mind after the activities and this will help you concentrate on your study well.

【这一段的说理感觉拼凑的有些仓促~不过分论点的段内支撑还不错】

Nowadays,competition in the job market is growing fiercer and fiercer. A applicant with only one specific ability cannot survive from the battle for a job position with other competitors who have other advantages, such as good communication skill, a healthy body, amiableness and so on（学习楼主的列举）. So the students should not be confined in ( 用介词to好像更标准一点) classroom and find their own interests and develop their usefu lskills at organizations or clubs.

Kate1992

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-13 10:49
蓝色是好词好句，绿色是建议，红色是可能有错的地方
Schools are the places where we learn scientific  ...

谢谢点评~~感觉第三四段真的写的很痛苦，举不出什么例子来都

Kate1992

8月13日 独立

學校或工作Presentation 你習慣一個月前就開始準備或有idea 後才晚一點開始進行

At school or work, it is inevitable to makepresentations in front of classmates or colleagues. Presentations provide opportunities for you to put forth your ideas or display your achievements. Atcollege, we are often required to make four or five presentations in ourclasses within a semester. Some of my classmates start preparing a month aheadof schedule while others prefer beginning on it after they have a rough ideaabout their presentation. I am one of the latter students because this waymakes me more effective and my presentation high quality.

From my experience, working on mypresentation after having a rough plan about it will save me much time forother subjects and make me effective. There are usually several burdensometasks during a semester but the time is so limited that I cannot spend too muchtime on one thing. So I often take advantage of spare minutes, when I am havinglunch, brushing my teeth, taking a bus or walking, to think about the plan of mypresentation. After knowing what I should include in my presentation and whatsteps I should take, it is easier and more effective for me to manage time andgo through with my presentation. In this circumstance, I will also have extratime dealing with my other subjects.

Another reason why I choose the lattermethod is that my presentation will be of high quality after long timedeliberateness. Before I buckle to the task, I have always been thinking how tomake my presentation remarkable and creative, which aspect to be refined againand what to add to have it presented vividly. On the contrary, some of myclassmates begin on the presentation without careful consideration and theresult is average or even worse. Let me take my classmate Susan for example toillustrate this situation, who starts preparing for the presentation as soon asthe professor arranges it. Once Susan began on a presentation in a psychologyclass very early, about a month in advance without going over the topicseriously. She didn’t realize her tangential topic until the day before thedeadline, but it was too late to correct it. It was conceivable that Susan didn’tbehave well during her presentation. Therefore, what is important to apresentation is not the time when it is finished but the idea and the way it ispresented. Careful consideration about the presentation is indispensible.

Admittedly, the sooner you set aboutpreparing for the presentation, the more time you will have to refine yourspeech. In spite of this advantage, it also pose somedisadvantages. For one thing, spending too much time on one issue will consumeyour time and energy for other subjects, thus lowering your grades. Foranother, inadequate considerations will reduce the chances of success in yourpresentation. From above, preparing for presentations after forming an idea ismore practical and effective.

Kate1992

8月14日 综合 TPO8
Chevalier wrote a memoir recounting his life and adventures, the reliability of which ciritics in the passage cast doubts on. However, the professor in the listening material refutes the three-aspect judgments given by the critics.

Firstly, the critics claim that Chevalier was not rich at all as he had put in his memoir while living in Switzerland because he borrowed large sums of money from a merchant. However, the reason why Chevalier borrowed money, the professor explains, is not that he is poor but that there in much time needed to turn his wealth into cash. As we know, Chevalier needed lots of money on parties and gamblings and such a great account of money could be hardly available in a short time.

Secondly, critics are skeptical about the accuracy of the conversations Chevalier records in the memoir because they cannot believe the Chevalier can remember the content of the conversation so exactly after a long period since he and Voltaire conversed. The professor points out that Chevalier took notes after he and Voltaire had a conversation. When he wrote the memoir, he just referred to the notes so that he could retell the content precisely.

Finally, Critics think that Chevalier escaped from the Venetian prison by bribing the jailers not by making a hole in the ceiling and climbing through the roof. The professor listed two evidences to argue against this view. For one thing, in spite of having more politically well-connected friends in Venice who could offer a bride than Chevalier did, many prisoners didn’t released from the prison. For another, a credible record says that Chevalier’s room in prison was sealed after he escaped from the prison. These evidences credit the account of the Chevalier’s escape from the prison in his memoir.

lyslj001

我也来改一篇吧~ 向LZ学习（橙色是好词好句好表达，绿色是我个人感觉可以改进的地方）

Schools are the places where we learn scientific knowledge and skills and qualify ourselves for the future career（这里因为两个并列比较长，且中间还有“and”，可能中间加一个逗号会更清晰吧。）. Admittedly, we get most of what will be helpful for job career from academic classes. However, we cannot dismiss the importance of organizations and activity clubs of the school where we can also learn many useful capacities from various activities.（很自然转到clubs之类的上面，不过如果能加一句，直接地点出文章主旨会更饱满）

In today’s society, it is impossible to overstate the importance of good communication skills. We have to work cooperatively with others and a good communicator finds it easier to put forth his ideas clearly.（很好的承接上一句，展开communication skills的重要性） In academic classes which professors are mainly charge of（这句话总觉得怪怪的…似乎不太像正常的表述习惯。但我也不知道该怎么改，LZ觉得呢？）, students have few opportunities to practice their communication ability.  But（这里用“对比”意思的词会比用“转折”意味的词更恰当。例如by contrast） organizations and clubs will provide various activities for students to speak out their thoughts loudly, thus improving their ability to communicating with others. For example, after a students takes a speech contest which is held by an English club, I am sure that he or she will make a quite progress in English speaking ability.

Besides, when participating in an organization or a club, students can make many friends who have the same interests（可以试试share common interests） with themselves. These friends not only give you good companies in your school life（company做“陪伴”应该是不可数的，有个词keep sb company/keep company with sb是陪伴的意思） but also probably become your business partners one day in the future. Yu Minhong, the founder of the New Oriental Education & Technology Group, met with his cooperators at Peking University. （中国好例子，学习之~）
One may argue that study is the most important thing of school life and attending clubs will certainly distract your attention from your study. （admittedly, ）Activities after school may be a factor of distraction but from the other side, one man cannot focus on one thing for too long , which will make your brain tired and not function well. In this circumstance, these activities will be a relaxation to your body and your brain. You will have a clear mind after the activities and this will help you concentrate on your study well.（这后面半段总的感觉有点拖沓，一种解决方式可以加强句子间的逻辑，一种方式是把里面的distraction，relaxation这些名词改成动词，这样句子会更简练。）

Nowadays, competition in the job market is growing fiercer and fiercer. A applicant with only one specific ability cannot survive from the battle for a job position with other competitors who have other advantages, such as good communication skill, a healthy body, amiableness and so on.（lz的解释句简练有力） So the students should not be confined in（to） classroom and（but） find their own interests and develop their useful skills at organizations or clubs.（缺少明确的点题）
这篇文章很工整，每一段主旨+展开解释+例子。尤其是解释句比较精彩。 如果在开头和结尾都加上明确的主旨句会更完整啦！

Kate1992

lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-14 22:12
我也来改一篇吧~ 向LZ学习（橙色是好词好句好表达，绿色是我个人感觉可以改进的地方）

Schools are the pl ...

太感谢了~~我会好好学习的
那个 In academic classes which professors are mainly charge of 改成 dominate 怎么样？

liaxiaowanzi

8月13日 独立   要对楼主说声抱歉，因为没看到分组，所以批改晚了一天，希望楼主见谅

學校或工作Presentation 你習慣一個月前就開始準備或有idea 後才晚一點開始進行（绿色好句哦。。黄色小错误哦。。红色小建议哦。。。）

At school or work, it is inevitable to make presentations in front of classmates or colleagues. Presentations provide opportunities for you to put forth your ideas or display your achievements. At college, we are often required to make four or five presentations in our classes within a semester. Some of my classmates start preparing a month ahead of schedule while others prefer beginning on it after they have a rough ideaabout their presentation.（楼主变句式变得非常好，小羞愧一下） I am one of the latter students because this way makes me more effective and my presentation high quality.（开头简洁，没有太多模板的痕迹，短语和句式用的非常好，长见识了）

From my experience, working on my presentation after having a rough plan about it will save me much time for other subjects and make (madeLZ注意时态(⊙o⊙)哦） me （加个比较级More会不会更好些那）effective. There are usually several burden some tasks（这句话没看懂啊，  是不是There be sth to do句型啊。。Usually，there are some tasks to burden....） during a semester but the time is so limited that I cannot spend too much time on one thing. So I often take advantage of spare minutes, when I am having lunch, brushing my teeth, taking a bus or walking, to think about the plan of my presentation. After knowing what I should include in my presentation and what steps I should take, it is easier and more effective for me to manage time and go through with my presentation. In this circumstance, I will also have extra time dealing with my other subjects.(主题句+ 详细说理+例子，构成本段说理结构，思路很清晰的)

Another reason why I choose the lattermethod is that my presentation will be of high quality after long time deliberateness（读着有点别扭，是不是可以这样after  deliberation  over a long period of time）. Before I buckle to（向LZ学习高级词汇的应用） the task, I have always been thinking how to make my presentation（加个比较级more会不会更好） remarkable and creative, which aspect to be refined again and what to add to have it presented vividly（这个非限制定语从句用的挺好，就是有点复杂，看不懂啊）. On the contrary, some of my classmates begin on(介词with)the presentation without careful consideration and the result is average or even worse. Let me take my classmate Susan for example to illustrate this situation(跟楼主学到一个举例子的好句型), who starts preparing for the presentation as soon as the professor arranges it. Once Susan began on a presentation in a psychologyclass very early, about a month in advance without going over the topic seriously. She didn’t realize her tangential topic until the day before the deadline, but it was too late to correct it. It was conceivable that Susan didn’t behave well during her presentation. Therefore, what is important to a presentation is not the time when it is finished but the idea and the way it is presented. Careful consideration about the presentation is indispensible. （主题+正面解释+反面解释+例子+总结，，结构清晰，木有瑕疵，我写这篇的时候都快纠结死了。。。。）

Admittedly, the sooner you set about preparing for the presentation, the more time you will have to refine your speech. In spite of this advantage, it also pose some disadvantages. For one thing, spending too much time on one issue will consumeyour time and energy for other subjects, thus lowering your grades. For another, inadequate considerations will reduce the chances of success in yourpresentation. From above, preparing for presentations after forming an idea ismore practical and effective.（前面没有让步段，然而却在结尾段用了很大笔墨描述让步内容。不太合适吧。也许是楼主时间仓促）


LZ  的短语和词汇应用及复杂句的应用让人印象深刻，高手耶。。。
思路清晰明了。。
只是这个1+2+1的结构，在结尾段突然来了个大让步，个人感觉有点混乱。如果是时间不太够，不能写个完整的让步段，建议楼主不要在结尾段主要写让步内容，可以稍稍提一下。

Kate1992

没关系的~~谢谢你认真的批改~~
There are usually several burden some 【应该是burdensome,我给分开了，所以...】tasks
这篇我没有限时，最后是写不下去了才草草结尾，看上去的确不舒服

Kate1992

liaxiaowanzi 发表于 2013-8-15 19:56
8月13日 独立   要对楼主说声抱歉，因为没看到分组，所以批改晚了一天，希望楼主见谅學校或工作Presentatio ...

没关系的~~谢谢你认真的批改~~
There are usually several burden some 【应该是burdensome,我给分开了，所以...】tasks
这篇我没有限时，最后是写不下去了才草草结尾，看上去的确不舒服

hemodata

Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-14 20:51
8月14日 综合 TPO8
Chevalier wrote a memoir recounting his life and adventures, the reliability of wh ...

学习了lz两篇文章，顺便提一了一些自己的看法
不一定对，lz收附件