若若的独立写作贴

zengyuruo

huajiali 发表于 2013-6-26 21:08
红色表示错误；蓝色表示建议；黄色表示亮点
The improvement of the society has brought about a lot of d ...

不好意思，我上周出差了，回来才看见。今天晚点时候帮你改。话说，最后一句跟主题不矛盾哦，assertive是过分自信，武断的意思哈~~~

zengyuruo

2013.08.03 Independent writing
有人一边学习一边玩手机、上网、听歌，你赞同么?

Some of my friends are used to playing cell phones, surfing the Internet or listening to music while studying. Although it seems to be efficient because they can handle several different things at the same time, I cannot manage to do this and feel that most ordinary people are not suitable to do this.

In the first place, trying to deal with different things at the same time, such as playing while learning, might not be effective indeed. In fact, you cannot keep concentrating on neither of them and it might be a waste of your time. I have a classmate who always likes to listen to music when doing his assignments. But when I try to do the same thing by following his example, I find that it costs me much more time finishing my homework and the quality of the assignment is extremely low. After that trial, I would like to focus on a single thing I need to deal with, especially when the task is important to me.

Furthermore, if you often play while studying, you cannot really relax yourself. Listening to music or surfing the Internet ought to be joyful and interesting if they are done in your leisure time, but when you do the same thing in a wrong time, it would be totally another story. For example, you might feel anxiety or a lot of pressure if you cannot focus on your study and the deadline is approaching. As a result, music or Internet cannot play the relaxing role that they should play. So to enjoy music and other entertainment after finishing your homework can be a wiser choice for you.

In sum, playing cell phones, listening to music or surfing the Internet while studying is not a good habit. It will not only elongate the time you spend on assignments, but also you cannot relax yourself or enjoy the entertainment. As the saying goes, one thing at a time.

晓野的野

我是第一次改作文，有什么弄错了地方欢迎拍砖！


Some of my friends are used to playing cell phones, surfing the Internet or listening to music while studying. Although it seems to be efficient because they can handle several different things at the same time, I cannot manage to do this and feel that most ordinary people are not suitable to do this. 【开头考虑使用一个常用模板，现在这个开头略简单了】

In the first place, trying to deal with different things at the same time, such as playing while learning, might not be effective indeed. In fact, you cannot keep concentrating on neither of them【neither本身就有否定的意思，应该改为either】 and it might be a waste of your time. I have a classmate who always likes to listen to music when doing his assignments. But when I try to do the same thing by following his example, I find that it costs me much more time finishing 【to finish】my homework and the quality of the assignment is extremely low. After that trial, I would like to focus on a single thing I need to deal with, especially when the task is important to 【应该用介词for】me.
【此段的结构为同时做多件事情效率低+ex(你同学这样做，你模仿，但是效率低)，我觉得可以直接写你同学这样学习效率低，成绩不好云云，首先是用他人的例子更具说服力，其次是例子中有讲同学又讲自己感觉蛮混乱】

Furthermore, if you often play while studying, you cannot really relax yourself. Listening to music or surfing the Internet ought to be joyful and interesting if they are done in your leisure time, 【这里建议改为两个独立的句子，不然前面是一个条件状语从句，后面一个时间状语从句仅用逗号+but连接太冗杂】but when you do the same thing in a wrong time, it would be totally another story. For example, you might feel anxiety or a lot of pressure if you cannot focus on your study and the deadline is approaching. As a result, music or Internet cannot play the relaxing role that they should play. So to enjoy music and other entertainment after finishing your homework can be a wiser choice for you.

In sum, playing cell phones, listening to music or surfing the Internet while studying is not a good habit.【这里会不会有一点头重脚轻，可以考虑改为it is not a good habit of playing cell phones, listening to music or surfing the Internet while studying】 It will not only elongate the time you spend on assignments, but also you cannot relax yourself or enjoy the entertainment. 【not only有but also连接句子须平行，改为not only it will not…but also you …】As the saying goes, 【as the saying goes是一个状语，要跟一个完整的句子，不然容易引起sentence fragment的误会，可以考虑改为The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time】one thing at a time.

尽量多写一点，字数一共327有点微少

zengyuruo

2013.08.05 Independent writing
为了经济发展，我们可以忽略环境问题

It might be attempting to agree with the broad assertion that the development of economy is essential in solving various social problems, such as unemployment and poverty. However I would like to take exception when it comes to some other important issues, environment pollutions for example. At least we should not always give the economic development higher priority to environment conservation as discussed below.

At the first place, one of the most important purposes of the economic development is to improve the living of human beings，yet we virtually cannot achieve this goal without sustainable environment. For instance, there are many things, including fresh air and clear water, that are essential for us but we cannot acquire them if we only have money. In other words, without proper environment, we could not even exist on this beautiful planet, let alone to enjoy the fruit of prosperous economy.

Furthermore, good environmental conditions are the foundation of the economic development. One apt illustration is not far to seek. My hometown-Lijiang-is a small attractive town in western China and is famous for its beautiful landscape and amazing culture. Most people in Lijiang earn their living by developing tourism, which is based on its natural environment. Can you imagine what will happen if Lijiang is heavily polluted? In that case, I am sure nobody would choose to spend their leisure time in Lijiang and it would be a big problem for local people to develop the economy.

Last but not least, if we do not pay enough attention to the environment which is extremely important and necessary for our very existence now, we might pay more for restore it in the future. According to a survey, it might take us several years to destroy a piece of forest while we must spend tens or hundreds of years to reestablish it. So why don't we choose to protect our precious resource- the environment- when making effort to improve the economy?

In sum, although economic development is important for us, environment protection might be more critical, especially when we are facing some nasty problems of global warming and water pollution. It would be a better choice for human beings to improve the economy in a sustainable way.

jacki1

It might be attempting to agree with the broad assertion that the development of economy (economic development的表达更合适) is essential in solving various social problems, such as unemployment and poverty. However I would like to take exception when it comes to some other important issues, environment pollutions for example. At least we should not always give the economic development higher priority to environment conservation as discussed below. （观点句要简明突出）

At the first place, one of the most important purposes of the economic development is to improve the living of human beings，yet we virtually cannot achieve this goal without sustainable environment(？可持续的环境？). For instance, there are many things（这句表达略显平庸，可以去掉）, including fresh air and clear water, that are essential for us but we cannot acquire them if we only have money.（改成For example, fresh air and clean water, which are essential/indispensable in our daily lives, if polluted , can’t be obtained even if we have abundant dollars.  ）In other words, without proper environment, we could not even exist on this beautiful planet, let alone to enjoy the fruit of prosperous economy.

Furthermore, good environmental conditions are the foundation of the economic development. One apt illustration is not far to seek. My hometown-Lijiang-is a small attractive town in western China and is famous for its beautiful landscape and amazing culture. Most people in Lijiang earn their living by developing tourism, which is based on its natural environment. Can you imagine what will happen if Lijiang is heavily polluted? In that case, I am sure nobody would choose to spend their leisure time in Lijiang and it would be a big problem for local people to develop the economy.（这段举例恰到好处！很好）

Last but not least, if we do not pay enough attention to the environment which is extremely important and necessary for our very existence now, we might pay more for restore（restoring） it in the future. According to a survey, it might take us several years to destroy a piece of forest while we must spend tens or hundreds of years to reestablish it. So why don't we choose to protect our precious resource- the environment- when making effort to improve the economy?

In sum, although economic development is important for us（文中类似这样的 be+adj+for的结构太多，表达应该多样化。还有稳重的句式丰富度也不够）, environment protection might be more critical, especially when we are facing some nasty problems of global warming and water pollution. It would be a better choice for human beings to improve the economy in a sustainable way.（作文题目是To increase economic growth, governments can neglect environment concerns.所以在文章的开头或结尾要点一下题吧，至少文中要出现government这个词我认为）

总的来说，development，organization还算清晰，但是language use的话有欠缺，建议在sentence structure 、word choice、vocabulary加强。最后我把倒数第二段改写了一下：
Lastly, I want to claim that we have to sacrifice huge amount of money and time to rebuild environment severely if the fact that we are damaging the environment still exists. In addition, hard enough are the restoration for governments considering some aspects are incurable with money. According to a survey, it might take decades to reestablish pieces of forest that may be destroyed in several months. So why not the government keep a balance between economy and environment wisely before things get worse?  (水平有限写的不好见谅)
BTW,第一次改写作没经验，多多包涵：）

zengyuruo

jacki1 发表于 2013-8-6 20:46
It might be attempting to agree with the broad assertion that the development of economy (economic d ...

thx so much! 你指出的两点确实都是我应该着重加强的。

亲，你的作业是还没有交么？没有找到呢。。。

jacki1

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-8-6 22:39
thx so much! 你指出的两点确实都是我应该着重加强的。

亲，你的作业是还没有交么？没有找到呢。。。 ...

在这里：）
http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-868381-1-1.html

zengyuruo

2013.08.08 Independent writing
人们不像以前那样尊重长辈了
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今天的题目感觉好难展开，只写了两个展开段。希望一起讨论。。。

In our modern society, the rapid improvement of technology is changing our life drastically. As a result, the latest fruits of scientific research or technical development become more and more crucial to our daily life and we do not have to depend on the knowledge which is obtained by past experiences that closely like our forefathers. For example, in ancient agricultural societies, people cultivated plants in springs and harvested in autumns repeatedly, leading a stable life for hundreds of years. Respecting ancestors and Learning from their experience would be essential for people because knowledge about cultivation needs to be accumulated for generations. However, nowadays fascinating techniques today can be obsolete tomorrow. Renovation becomes the hub our live and our respect is shifting to those people who have the capability to keep up with the times.

Furthermore, with the societal and cultural development, we are leading a more independent life and have established a brand new conception of the relationship between us and our fathers. For example, in ancient China, people might think obeisance is equal to respect. But in the civilized society, many of us have been learning from an early age to communicate with our parents like friends and not always follow their thoughts. Few people might dispute that critical thinking is important for people in the modern society and we ought to build our own cognition of the outer world and the inner soul. As a result, we should not always obey to our parents, which is treated as respect in the past. As far as I am concerned, we are still giving our respect to elder people, but in a more equal and proper way.