若若的独立写作贴

zengyuruo

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-21 13:39
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Students who keep their rooms neat and organi ...

谢谢 sherlock。今天改了别人的作文，我也感觉论证和论点联系不够紧密！逻辑上不够严谨，谢谢~~~

zengyuruo

2013.06.21  Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people should try several differient jobs before they decide which job or career they want to do in a long term.
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Sometimes we like to compare young people with the sun in the morning, because there are so many possibilities in their future life. When it comes to their jobs or career, we might have the same conclusion that they are at the best time in their whole life and have a bright future. Although somebody might argue that it seems better for a young person to build his or her career by focusing on a single job, I recommend that young people should try various works when they have the chance.

Firstly, practice in different jobs could help young people make a better understanding of the society and eliminate the discrepancy between the real world and their imagination. When we are students studying in Universities, we are familiar with the scientific training in which the world in simplified into two parts- the correct or the wrong. However, there are much more possibilities in the real world than what we have been told by textbooks. One apt illustration is not far to seek. As we know, the competition in job-hunting is so intensive in China nowadays. Even if many graduates have received high-qualified education for many years, they have to accept the fact that they need to begin their career with relatively low salary. Since the first job can hardly be their ideal one, they should try different jobs and adjust their expectation in order to find the jobs that are more suitable for them.

Secondly, the experience achieved in diverse jobs will help young people accumulate sufficient resources which are necessary for them to construct a better career in the future. Without affluent expertise in production units, a fledgling can hardly be an eligible administrative. Holding this conception, many young people are willing to be a trainee when they are seeking for jobs, for many companies have planned to provide their trainees better chance to shift among different departments inside the company. And this working experience is believed to be conducive for laying a solid foundation for trainees' further career. Another example involves a famous movie star, Huang Bo, who has had a hard time when his was young. In order to finance his family, he has tried many works, such as being a worker, serving in a restaurant and performing as a singer. However, just as he said in an interview, the hard but precious experience has helped him greatly to understand the personality of characters in movies.

In sum, since there are so many fascinating possibilities for young people, they ought to try different jobs when they have the chance. By trying diverse jobs, they can make a better understanding of the real word and find their true interest. Furthermore, the skills they have obtained in these different jobs can help them become more successful in their future career.

rainnonine

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-21 19:15
2013.06.21  Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young peopl ...

红色表示错误，蓝色表示建议，高亮表示好句。

Sometimes we like to compare young people with the sun in the morning(compare to; 直接用the rising sun), because there are so many possibilities in their future life. When it comes to their jobs or career, we might have the same conclusion that they are at the best time in their whole life and have a bright future(感觉这里的表达过去普通，而且future life第一句出现过，可以尝试换换). Although somebody might argue that it seems better for a young person to build his or her career by focusing on a (强调一个是不是one更好)single job, I recommend that young people should try various works when they have the chance(我觉得这个状语有点妥协的意思，是说没有机会就不要尝试更多job吗？).

Firstly, practice in different jobs could help young people make a better understanding of the society and eliminate the discrepancy between the real world and their imagination. When we are students studying in Universities, we are familiar with the scientific training in which the world in simplified into two parts- the correct or the wrong. (这句话我有两点建议：1 scientific training 是什么东东? 2 世界非黑即白，其实可以直接说black or white, 而且跟wrong对应的词应该是right. )However, there are much more possibilities in the real world than what we have been told by textbooks(前面你说是imagination，这里你又说是课本). One apt illustration is not far to seek. (这句话是模版里的还是你自己写的，far是不是要改为difficult?)As we know, the competition in job-hunting is so intensive in China nowadays(so你可以尝试换下别的词，extremely, exceedingly等). Even if many graduates have received high-qualified education(这里有点Chinglish) for many years, they have to accept the fact that they need to begin their career with relatively low salary. Since the first job can hardly be their ideal one, they should try different jobs and adjust their expectation in order to find the jobs that are more suitable for them.

Secondly, the experience achieved(应该是aquire experience 或 accumulate吧) in diverse jobs will help young people accumulate sufficient resources which are necessary for them to construct(这个词和前面的build我觉得都值得商榷，可以想象别的来表达career-planning) a better career in the future. Without affluent expertise in production units, a fledgling can hardly be an eligible administrative. Holding this conception, many young people are willing to be a trainee when they are seeking for jobs, for many companies have planned to provide their trainees better chance to shift among different departments inside the company(我觉得这句话你可以倒过来说：很多公司提供了这样的机会，所以年轻人要从实习生干起，积累经验，这样支持了你的分论点). And this working experience is believed to be conducive(你是想说productive吗) for laying a solid foundation for trainees' further career. Another(这里用another是表示你前面举了一个例子，但前面根本没有出现标志词表明你举了那个实习生的例子) example involves a famous movie star, Huang Bo, who has had a hard time when his was young. In order to finance his family, he has tried many works, such as being a worker, serving in a restaurant and performing as a singer. However, just as he said in an interview(你这里是引证他自己的话，我觉得你可以直接说他是影帝，饰演过很多角色), the hard but precious experience has helped him greatly to understand the personality of characters in movies.

In sum, since there are so many fascinating possibilities for young people, they ought to try different jobs when they have the chance. By trying diverse jobs, they can make a better understanding of the real word and find their true interest. Furthermore, the skills they have obtained in these different jobs can help them become more successful in their future career.

优点：
             逻辑很清晰，句子富于变化
有待改进之处：
            1 中国元素过多：开头段形容青年人是早晨的太阳，主体段第一段出现China，第二段出现例子王勃； 建议改成the global job maket和其它外国名人，如果一定要用中国的，用成龙，李小龙                 
               等外国人比较熟悉的。
            2 某些用词，如so, so many, greatly，like to, sometimes等，过去普通，可以尝试积累一些词汇来替换。
礼尚往来，昨天你帮我改了，没想到今天就来改你的了，一起加油......

zengyuruo

2013.06.22 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In some situations, if you cannot say anything nice about someone, you'd better say nothing.
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Since we are still young children, we have been told that it is impolite to express our dislike in front of other people. And some people might agree that if you cannot praise others, you'd better keep tacit. However, as far as I am concerned, this rule would not always be true, especially considering that our candid comments might be helpful and important for our friends and colleagues.

Firstly, although sweet words might make other people feel comfortable right now, it could be harmful to establish a long term relationship. On apt illustration is not far to seek. I have a colleague, who is used to flatter others, especially those in high positions. At the beginning, I feel that he is so nice and has never been irritated. However, after a relatively long time, I find that many people in my company abhor his insincerity and just feel ashamed of being the people praised by him. I have learned from this story that a kind remark does not necessarily mean to say something nice about others, but to express your real feeling in a kind way. As a result, if you can give your opinions in an uninterested way, most people would choose to trust you.

Secondly, in order to solve problems, we need some opposite opinion sometimes. Think about this, if we are discussing about design plans in a meeting, we would surely expect for some useful suggestions. If all the people are reluctant to express their real opinion, we might never have the chance to improve our plans. It is the same for individuals that if our friends always say something nice to us, we could never realize our shortcomings and have no opportunity to promote ourselves. Few people might dispute that effective and efficient communications would be conducive for us to solve problems and lead a better life. And being sincere and frank, rather than flattering is the premise of the effective communication.

In sum, always saying something nice to others is not a judicial choice to show how kind you are. Otherwise, this hypocrisy could be really harmful for both you and your friends. To help establish a long term relationship and help to solve problems, we should give our comments or suggestions in a suitable way frankly, regardless the content is agreeable or not.

zengyuruo

rainnonine 发表于 2013-6-22 11:20
Sometimes we like to compare young people with the sun in the morning(compare to; 直接用the rising ...

嗯，两个意见都很中肯，确实是我的硬伤！ 寻点建议，关于例子质量太差这事儿，亲，你是怎么解决的呢？背材料么？

rainnonine

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-22 12:17
嗯，两个意见都很中肯，确实是我的硬伤！ 寻点建议，关于例子质量太差这事儿，亲，你是怎么解决的呢？背 ...

其实例子也是我的硬伤，我还没积累过例子，托福对于例子的使用没有多大要求，而且论证自己观点的方式还有说理，假设等等。 不过我觉得举例你比我做得好，我有时，通篇都没例子  .
我们一起加油积累吧，用得好肯定能增彩。我觉得像在范文中看到的，或者自己对某个人感兴趣，可以直接维基百科，这样都能积累吧...

rainnonine

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-22 12:04
2013.06.22 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In some situ ...

今天互相改吧，我昨天写了，链接里日期打成了21，版主没看到。。。

zengyuruo

rainnonine 发表于 2013-6-23 08:44
今天互相改吧，我昨天写了，链接里日期打成了21，版主没看到。。。

嗯 好的~~~ 我说呢 一看就我一个人写作业，怎么这么惨呢~~~

rainnonine

zengyuruo 发表于 2013-6-22 12:04
2013.06.22 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In some situ ...

Since we are still young children, we have been told that it is impolite to express our dislike in front of other people. And some people might agree that if you cannot praise others, you'd better keep tacit. However, as far as I am concerned, this rule would not always be true, especially considering that our candid comments might be helpful and important(这些表达很普通，尝试替换) for our friends and colleagues.

Firstly, although sweet words might make other people feel comfortable right now, it could be harmful to establish a long term relationship. On apt illustration is not far to seek. I have a colleague, who is used to(表示习惯于要接doing,如果你这里要表示是过去常常，那要用used to) flatter others, especially those in high positions(这句话Chinglish,你可以直接用上司superiors). At the beginning, I feel that he is so nice and has never been irritated. However, after a relatively long time, I find that many people in my company abhor his insincerity and just feel ashamed of being the people praised by him(可以换成the recipient of his praisal更地道). I have learned from this story that a kind remark does not necessarily mean to say something nice about others, but to express your real feeling in a kind(这个词太宽泛，可以用具体点，比如说a more acceptable way) way. As a result, if you can give your opinions in an uninterested(这个词用这里值得商榷) way, most people would choose to trust you.

Secondly(跟firstly一样，显得比较单调，尝试变化), in order to solve problems, we need some opposite opinion sometimes. Think about this(要假设一种情况的话，可以用supposing 之类的词或其他短语，然后接着用虚拟语气), if we are discussing about design plans in a meeting, we would surely expect for(expect是及物动词，直接接宾语) some useful suggestions. If all the people are reluctant to express their real opinion, we might never have the chance to improve our plans. It is the same for individuals that if our friends always say something nice to us, we could never realize our shortcomings and have no opportunity to promote ourselves. Few people might dispute that effective and efficient communications would be conducive for us to solve problems and lead a better life. And being sincere and frank, rather than flattering is the premise of the effective communication(这句话和前面一句，我觉得可以变换下位置可能更好，还有那个few people，你是想表达肯定还是否定意思？).

In sum, always saying something nice to others is not a judicial(这个词我觉得用得太具体了，judicial一般是跟法律有关吧)choice to show how kind you are. Otherwise, this hypocrisy could be really harmful for both you and your friends. To help establish a long term relationship and help(这里用了两个help,其实完全可以只用一个) to solve problems, we should give(整篇文章你用到了express,give来表示“表达观点”，词太普通了) our comments or suggestions in a suitable way frankly, regardless(这个事介词，应该加of连用，后面接名词) the content is agreeable or not.

1 观点不够明确  
       开头段的主题句，this rule would not always be true这句用来反驳前面的话，即“如果不能说赞扬的话，最好保持沉默”，因此说你的观点是“要经常赞扬”，但是你的2个分论点都是在讲nice words讲多了不好，而且逆耳的话更能解决问题，最后你的总结也是再说美言要选择合适的方式说。 而题目是要在美言和沉默之间作对比，所以应该是跑题了。

2 论证部分不严谨
       给出的第一个论点是，美言只是一时的好，日久可能会有害。 一般我们的论证结构3正，或者2正一反，但是你首先就是举反，削弱了你的论证

结合上次改的文章，觉得你的作文有这么两大问题： 1 逻辑不清晰 2 用词普通
建议多分析下OG上面或者其他的范文，学习下如何展开论证，并且积累下好的词句。
加油...

zengyuruo

2013.06.24   Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Having a low-paying but secure job is better than having a high-paying job that can be lost easily.
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The improvement of the society has brought about a lot of different kind of jobs, including software engineers and stock broker. Then what sort of job do you prefer? The secure ones with low salary or the risky ones with high-paying? Although you might have your own answer about which job is better, as far as I am concerned, they are equal in a general consideration.

A threshold reason for my contention is that since different people have various perception of the word risk, they can have different norm to calculate the cost and benefit of diverse jobs. Thus, it will be presumptuous to say a secure job with low-paying is better because a secure job for one person could be extremely hazardous for another person. One the other hand, if a person have the ability to deal with the job perfectly, the risk to  lose the job will be low, and he or she might be willing to take this kind of job in order to earn coordinate high wage. Corroborating this point, let's take the follow example into consideration. I have a friend, LiQiang, who is exceedingly outstanding among the people around me. He often tells me that a comfortable but low-paying job is something like poison for him, he felt that this kind of job will make him mediocre gradually and is just a waste of time.

Another aspect of this issue we should take into consideration is that although different jobs might leave different images in people's mind, say some might be more desirable than others, it is necessarily to have all kinds of these jobs in our modern highly-specialized society. As a result, each kind of job should be valuable equally, at least for most existing jobs. There might be some jobs you do not like to take, but can you imagine what will our lives look like without nurse or baby-sitter? Or can you imagine the life without software innovation or scientific improvement? Think about this scene, if all the people prefer to have a secure job regardless of the related income, it can be a disaster for us that there is no person want to take a risky job, because some risky jobs are related with seeking for unknown world and could be extremely critical for our offspring's survival.

In sum, A thousand people would harbor more than a thousand ideas of the cost and benefit of a job. Furthermore, since all the existing jobs are contributing to the improvement of our society and we could not live without anyone of them, it would be assertive to conclude that a secure job with low-salary is better than a risky but high-paying job.