[写作小分队] toefl草稿本

cquzyr

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-7 21:15
不是咯，就是修饰cane coad,它会供给cane toad,后者就是一本土物种，并对当地生态系统至关重要 ...

哦是我描述有误。。。就是对于SOUTH AMERICA而言啦，ct是本地种嘛，会在种间传播，但是全文都在讲AUS，只是觉得用SA那里做定语的话描述ct是本地物种会造成传播看起来会和谐一点（在理解方面），木有说句子有错哈。

anafkn

cquzyr 发表于 2013-6-7 21:45
哦是我描述有误。。。就是对于SOUTH AMERICA而言啦，ct是本地种嘛，会在种间传播，但是全文都在讲AUS，只 ...

懂的，写的时候也有点轻微不适，好像地点突然间换了，中间可能应该加一句过渡，even if the virus is helpful for the protecion of Australia, it will bring about more serious problems in south america on the other hand.
不过好长啊……一来因为木有时间了（写了那么久才发现……原来综合是……20分钟的……）；二来……懒了……对了亲，我是不是改了你的综合——你要不要考虑再动动笔呀，那篇其实……字数上不知道够不够呢，有点偏简单了。

abbyseven

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-6 23:55
orz……亲，难道木有错吗………………

啊啊啊，我贴了错误的地方啊，结果没显示 囧 等等 我明天再认真听一遍 说实话 我听了几遍啊 觉得你的细节很多很详细了 不是说 综合的话 细节就是王道么  

Alisa3014

There is an old Chinese saying (As the old saying goes): the nail that sticks up mostly gets hammered down. Reagrding difference as badness, most Chinese are prone to being like others and claim that the middle course (查了一下，middle course 是“中间道路”的意思，用middle range 是不是好点，另外考虑到后面是way to success, 在middle之前加being in会不会好些) is the safest and basic way to success. However, in my view, this kind of choice can help nothing about （contributes nothing to） success but undermine the uniqueness of your value (your uniqueness), the opportunity to get appreciation and the courage to walk your own way.

First and foremost, the difference from others in a certain field or skill is the key component of a person’s value. The one gets paid most(earns the highest salary) in a company is not the most hard-working guy but the person who provides views or products with his unique analysis or creativity nowadays(时间状语前置否？), like senior analyst, or the fund manager. Because what the society recognizes most as a giant production machine（没看懂。。） is your personal irreplaceable function in it, instead of being a duteous but duplicated screw.

On the other hand, holding the different view instead of saying what everyone says is the success itself sometimes. History has witnessed scientists struggling against the old theory system from generation to generation (generation by generation). Without the courage of scientists to putting forward the total different even "ridiculous” view at the (a) certain period, people will never be aware ( aware of some truths like) that the earth is round, or the space can be twisted, and the name of Galileo or Einstein will never be shining on (in) the science history.

Furthermore, success is associated with both aptitude and attitude. While the difference in aptitude leads to the outstanding role in a stage as mentioned above, the attitude of being and keeping different is the access to the highlight stage. (Not only difference in aptitude leads to the outstanding role in a stage as mentioned above, but also attitude of being and keeping different is the access to the highlight stage.) Although it is really easier to get hammered down, being the nail that sticks up also attracts more people, especially the upper, who may get interests (??)  and provide help. There are so many active young entrepreneurs positively showing their personal characteristics and ambitions and finally getting (got) the start fund from VC or PE as their first and key step to (of) legend.

Being different needs courage since you may come on a way alone to an unknown destination accompanied by laughter and doubts from others. But the name of the destination may be success rather than mediocrity as most people choose, because you are the only one with indispensable ability and attitude in the tremendous world.

第一次改作文，就沿用lz给我改的时候用的批注方法了~
红色修改，蓝色建议，高亮表赞

1. 第一个分论点的例子可以再具体一点

2. 最后一个分论点是想说保持与他人的不同时成功之道？

3. 亮句多，最喜欢结尾段的第一句~~很赞！开头那句谚语也很好。

小生不才，写作经验尚少，总结性的话就不说了，文章局部的修改建议定是尽心尽力！有错的地方多多包涵，一起加油~

anafkn

Alisa3014 发表于 2013-6-8 11:37
There is an old Chinese saying (As the old saying goes): the nail that sticks up mostly gets hammere ...

谢谢~~改的好细，感动~~~~
there is an old saying:as an old saying goes一样的
middle corse……其实是瞎编的orz……因为不知道中庸肿么写咯……谢谢建议
nowadays可以放在后面
as a giant production machine修饰社会：“作为巨大的生产机器”，出处是想到社会化大生产（好吧，其实也是我编的……）
furthermore那段的建议，我倾向于原句，因为是一方面，另一方面的解释（嗯，应该在句末加一个“on the other hand”）
谢谢again

cquzyr

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-7 22:58
懂的，写的时候也有点轻微不适，好像地点突然间换了，中间可能应该加一句过渡，even if the virus is help ...

我每次都写不出来，求破……

sherlock1992

听说某人封笔退隐了，某人加油，看好你哦！