[写作小分队] toefl草稿本

pennywu20

anafkn 发表于 2013-5-15 00:57
独立：
谢谢阅读~~~~
我也觉得论点少了其实，一个是rational上的logic chain 有问题，一个是emotional 上 ...

variable确实可以做变量的意思，有些东西没见过，能力还是比较有限，不好意思没改好呢

感觉你要表达的思想我大致可以理解，就这篇文章看来太thoughtful，以至于在托福中显得有些不走寻常路了一点，比较像用来发表的议论文等。不过我的水平真的有限，不知道native是怎么看的，thank you

anafkn

17 May

IntegratedWriting：
TPO24

事儿多，来不及，先把跟人互攻的综合贴着先。计时了，也来不及该，就酱紫吧（尼玛打字速度上不去肿么破！）

Pointing to the three assumptions about thematerials inside the fossil of T. rex, the lecturer refutes each of them withhis own explanations.

First of all, the lecturer argues that thesoft substance inside the channels may not be the blood vessels of T. rex asthe text said, but something else, the bacteria. And the empty area inside thechannels, the hollows, is actually the trace left by bacteria as the evidence.

Second, while the reading regards the redsphere as the red blood cells, the lecturer states that scientists have foundthe similar sphere in other fossils of some primitive animals, which do nothave red-blood cells at all. They may be some different organs like redminerals. Therefore, the presence of spheres in fossils of T.rex cannot prove thatit is the red blood cells mentioned in the passage.

Finally, the reading explains the existenceof collagen inside the dinosaur leg bone. The lecturer, however, contends thatcollagen has never been found on the fossils older than a hundred thousand yearsbecause the biochemical material of collagen cannot last so long. As a result,the finding on 70-million -year-old fossils contradicts to the nature of it.Instead, the lecturer states that, the collagen is more likely to be on morerecent material rather than T.rex, like the human skin. And it is possibly fromthe skin of the researchers holding the fossils actually.

anafkn

30 May 「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.
Integrated Writing：
TPO8

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.

Charles Dickens ever said, it was the bestof times, it was the worst of times, it was the epoch of belief, it was theepoch of incredulity. People are always prone to identifying everything bycomparison with the superlative degree. Young generation, whenever they areborn, usually receive this kind of judgment even more. Somebody claims that theyouth today show more senses of responsibility and be willing to improve theworld. However, this so-called praise is one-sided as well as arbitrary in myview.

First of all, a common label put on theyoung, especially the ones born in 1980s, is egoism instead of socialresponsibility, while the latter is usually used to describe the feature of theyouth 30 years ago. Looking throughout the contemporary history, democracy,freedom and dreams were the high-frequency words in the past, which is the mostmemorable youth time of our parents full of heated discussion about politicsand future of the country. The X generation in China now, on the other hand, isfamous for their individualism and out-of-rule and focus on the liberation oftheir unique personality. A simple “better” or “worse” may be unable tocomprehensively summarize the characteristic of the young in this time. But thecommon comment might reflect some traits of them to some extent, which iscontradictory to the sentence before.

Furthermore, let’s turn to the comparisonitself. In this intricate era, we are terribly shocked by the student murder inuniversities, or the ignorance of passers-by to the senior citizen needinghelp. We have also witnessed Hanhan and members of Science squirrel Club; theyare active in the stage of society and speak out for the world on behalf of thenew generation. In my view, the group of young people is always as complex anddiverse as the era itself. We cannot put millions of young men and womentogether and regard all of them as a simple judgment that you have more sensesof social responsibility or not. Also, there is no meaning of the comparisonbetween the young today and those in the past. Decades ago, there must be striplingscaring no one but themselves or devoting their lives to the development ofhuman being, too. And decades ago, there is no omnipresent Internet exposingthe black truth of every seeming social activity or the real lives of the poorliving mills away.

Different young persons made up one generation;different times affect different young generations. At present, there are lotsof criticisms pointing to the egoism and individualism of the youth comparingwith the young in the past. Regardless of the right or wrong of the view, thecomparison itself between young people in different era about the sense ofsocial responsibility is also inadvisable. Calling back to what Dickens saidhundreds years ago, it was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Still,we young today are the most social responsible generation in all times, and weyoung today may be the most social irresponsible generation in all times. It’san insoluble and meaningless comparison.

肿么办居然写着写着跑题拉不回来了啊QAQ，改我独立的童鞋，真的看不下去的话就看看句子吧orz……

TPO8

Contradictory to the doubt towards the accuracy of thememoir of Chevalier in the reading passage, the lecturer disputes that the memoiris pretty accurate and reliable. And she demonstrates her view with threecorresponding explanations.

First of all, the lecturer states that the load from aSwiss merchant cannot be the demonstration to prove that Chevalier was poor.Instead, he had enough assets to hold parties and gambling, but he need time tosell the property to get money. Therefore, when the cash flow was running outwhile his wealth was not converted to money in time, Chevalier had to borrowmoney from the merchant.

Second, the text questioned the accuracy of theconversations between Chevalier and Volataire. The lecturer, however, has anopposite view to the record. She contends that Chevalier did keep the memory oftheir night's talk and refresh it. What's more, the words from witness haveconfirmed the rightness of the conversion content in the memoir.

Finally, pointing to the skeptical attitude towardsthe escape adventure of Chevalier from critics, the lecturer provides apowerful counterattack with evidence. She says that some people having morepolitically well-connected friends were unable to get free at that time,neither did Chevalier. On the contrary, an old government document shows thatthe ceiling of the old jail need to be replaced after Chevalier escaped. Andthis affair testified the words in the memoir that the way for Chevalier toescape is digging a hole in the ceiling.

In a word, the lecturer points out the fault of everydoubt in the reading passage and support the accuracy of the memoir ofChevalier.

sherlock1992

Contradictory to the doubt towards the accuracy of the memoir of the Chevalier(reading中的引用都是the Chevalier,下同) in the reading passage, the lecturer disputes that the memoiris(memoir) is pretty accurate and reliable. And she demonstrates her view with three corresponding explanations.

First of all, the lecturer states that the load(loan） from a Swiss merchant cannot be the demonstration to prove that Chevalier was poor.Instead, he had enough assets to hold parties and gambling, but he need time tosell the property to get money. Therefore, when the cash flow was running out while his wealth was not converted to money in time, Chevalier had to borrow money from the merchant.(这一段不论是信息点的把握还是句子的同义变换都做的不错）

Second, the text questioned the accuracy of the conversations between Chevalier and Volataire. The lecturer, however, has an opposite view to the record. She contends that Chevalier did keep the memory oftheir night's talk and refresh it. What's more, the words from witness have confirmed the rightness of the conversion content in the memoir.(这一段把握不好，关键点的Notes没有听到）

Finally, pointing to the skeptical attitude towardsthe escape adventure of Chevalier from critics, the lecturer provides a powerful counter attack with evidence. She says that some people having morepolitically well-connected friends were unable to get free at that time,neither did Chevalier. On the contrary, an old government document shows thatthe ceiling of the old jail need to be replaced after Chevalier escaped. Andthis affair(楼主这里的affair似乎不太合适） testified the words in the memoir that the way for Chevalier toescape is digging a hole in the ceiling.

In a word, the lecturer points out the fault of every doubt in the reading passage and supports the accuracy of the memoir of Chevalier.

总结：楼主总体做的很不错，不论是听力点的把握方面，还是转化成文字的表述方面，但是其中有太多的单词间的空格没有打，小遗憾哈 ，，，想来是打的太快了。。。另外，还是为我没有及时改而给楼主带了的不便道一下歉哈~

anafkn

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-1 09:54
Contradictory to the doubt towards the accuracy of the memoir of the Chevalier(reading中的引用都是th ...

谢谢帮我改~~~~~~
第二段确实木有听到，走神了orz……
空格这个东西是贴到CD栏里的时候被消除了，一直不知道这个bug肿么破……看多就习惯了……
谢谢咯

anafkn

1 June「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less than the people in the past.

TPO10

The lecturer is prone to the predator theory to be the reason for the decline of the sea otter population, anddisputes the pollution hypothesis in the passage with three explanations.

First of all, the lecturer claims that the reality that no one finds the bodies of dead otter along the Alaskan beaches weakens the environmental pollution theory and supports predators attack assumption. Because if pollution caused the death, there must be bodies left and brought to the beaches by waves. The predators, on the other hand, will not leave their food for one more minute after killing the otters.

Second, instead of being affected by the pollution, according to the lecturer, it is human hunter that should be responsible for the declining indirectly. As the large prey for orcas, like other whales, has been increasingly killed by people, orcas have to turn to smaller sea mammals for food, such as seals, sea lions, and otters included.And this is the real reason for the corresponding drops of them.

Finally, while the text attributes theuneven pattern of otter decline to levels of pollution severity, the lecture rcontends that it actually depends on the predators. Some locations areaccessible for orcas and thus the otters living there will definitely be threatened and decreasing. Some other shallow or rocky places are hard for predators toenter and therefore keep the population of otters stable.

In a sum, the lecturer believes that predators are the key factor for the decline of otters along Alaskan rather than environmental problem mentioned in the reading passage.

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less than the people in the past.

There is an old saying going that let every fox take care of his own tail. In my view, it has been a descriptive sentence about the social relationship nowadays. Thanks to the development of virtual reality technology, we need less and less real attachment with people living across the street, and thanks to the enormous metropolis and media, we have less and less trust on the people living behind the wall shared with us. And that’sthe reason I believe that neighbors depend on each other less than the peoplein the past.

First and foremost, technology, the two-edged sword, plays an important part in the change of the relationship. Indoors-men and indoors-women need no one but themselves to get and enjoy all what they want by Internet and delivery service, even including chatting, shopping, andany other social activities. Knocking the neighbor’s door to ask for a hand seems unnecessary now. In addition, the Arcadian life has been replaced by metropolis during endless industrial and technology revolution, leaving millions of people living in different floors, having different paces of life, and being unable to meet each other until taking the same elevator for a few seconds. Therefore, if we cannot deny the change of technology, we cannot deny the change of our lifestyle, and eventually we cannot deny the growing unfamiliarity towards our neighborhoods.

What’s more, not only the external technique block the way to our neighbors, but also the belief and trust inside us has dropped, which is the bridge of the way. For one thing, giant city attractsso many people with different backgrounds coming for fortune and opportunity.They may be willing to stay longer or just regard the house as a temporary freight station. For another, infinite news about fraud, murder and all kinds of crucial crimes fills our lives; eroding our limited trust to people we are not familiar with, even if they have lived next to you for a few years. Dependence is based on trust; trust establishment needs time and heart. Someone ever said, it is a trust-lost time. We rely on advanced guard system to protect our room, and indifferenceto protect our heart. As a result, the physical distance between theneighborhoods and us may be enlarging, while the bridge over it called care and trust inside us is shrinking.

When I was young, I’m always staying in an old nanny’s home across the alley because my parents are busing working. And now, parents prefer kindergarten, employed nurse or just leave the children at home with omnipotent Internet or TV. I believe neighbors depend on each other less than the people in the past because we get more convenience from technology and less trust. It’s not a view involving right or wrong, it’s just a reality that need all of us to think about.

sherlock1992

anafkn 发表于 2013-6-1 17:24
1 June「Today」
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less than the people in the past.
红色修改 蓝色建议 高亮表赞

There is an old saying going that let every fox take care of his own tail. In my view, it has been a descriptive sentence about the social relationship nowadays. Thanks to the development of virtual reality technology, we need less and less real attachment with people living across the street, and thanks to the enormous metropolis and media, we have less and less trust on the people living behind the wall shared with us. And that’sthe reason I believe that neighbors depend on each other less than the peoplein the past.(本来认为最后一句中的and用hence/thus/therefore等表结果的词会更有逻辑性，但考虑到楼主最后句中的reason, 还是认为楼主的选择比较合适）

First and foremost, technology, the two-edged sword, plays an important part in the change of the relationship. Indoors-men and indoors-women need no one but themselves to get and enjoy all what they want by Internet and delivery service, even including chatting, shopping, andany other social activities. Knocking the neighbor’s door to ask for a hand seems unnecessary now. In addition, the Arcadian life has been replaced by metropolis(metropolis lifestyle比较合适） during endless industrial and technology revolution, leaving millions of people living in different floors, having different paces of life, and being unable to meet each other until taking the same elevator for a few seconds. Therefore, if we cannot deny the change of technology, we cannot deny the change of our lifestyle, and eventually we cannot deny the growing unfamiliarity towards our neighborhoods.(最后的那个例子中三个V-ing的并列式，leaving是修饰前面的句子，having是修饰people，being 也是修饰people的吧？感觉这里并列的有点乱，不知楼主怎么看？）

What’s more, not only the external technique blocks the way to our neighbors, but also the belief and trust inside us has dropped, which is the bridge of the way. For one thing, giant city attractsso many people with different backgrounds coming for fortune and opportunity(opportunities).They may be willing to stay longer or just regard the house as a temporary freight station. For another, infinite news about fraud, murder and all kinds of crucial crimes fills our lives;(注意分号是把两个意义相关，相互独立的句子连接起来的） eroding our limited trust to people we are not familiar with, even if they have lived next to you for a few years. Dependence is based on trust; trust establishment needs time and heart. Someone ever said, it is a trust-lost time(times时代）. We rely on advanced guard system to protect our room, and indifferenceto protect our heart. As a result, the physical distance between theneighborhoods and us (这里的and us可去掉）may be enlarging(这里的enlarging似乎不太合适）, while the bridge over it called care and trust inside us is shrinking.

When I was young, I’m(was) always staying in an old nanny’s home across the alley because my parents are busing(busy做动词是有busy yourself with sth.所以这里应是are busied with work) working. And now, parents prefer kindergarten, employed nurse or just leave the children at home with omnipotent Internet or TV. I believe neighbors depend on each other less than the people in the past because we get more convenience from technology and less trust. It’s not a view involving right or wrong, it’s just a reality that needs all of us to think about.
总结：总体来说，思路清晰，逻辑合理，只是中间有些许小错，注意即可。加油

sherlock1992

TPO10

The lecturer is prone to the predator theory to be the reason for the decline of the sea otter population, anddisputes the pollution hypothesis in the passage with three explanations.

First of all, the lecturer claims that the reality that no one finds the bodies of dead otter along the Alaskan beaches weakens the environmental pollution theory and supports predators attack assumption. Because if pollution caused the death, there must be bodies left and brought to the beaches by waves. The predators, on the other hand, will not leave their food for one more minute after killing the otters.

Second, instead of being affected by the pollution, according to the lecturer, it is human hunter that should be responsible for the declining indirectly. As the large prey for orcas, like other whales, has been increasingly killed by people, orcas have to turn to smaller sea mammals for food, such as seals, sea lions, and otters included.And this is the real reason for the corresponding drops of them.

Finally, while the text attributes theuneven pattern of otter decline to levels of pollution severity, the lecturer contends that it actually depends on the predators. Some locations areaccessible for orcas and thus the otters living there will definitely be threatened and decreasing. Some other shallow or rocky places are hard for predators toenter and therefore keep the population of otters stable.

In a sum, the lecturer believes that predators are the key factor for the decline of otters along Alaskan rather than environmental problem mentioned in the reading passage.

哇，楼主写的超完美，我竟然挑不出毛病，膜拜~

anafkn

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-2 00:11
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays, neighbors de ...

啊啊，那么早就改好了……好感动，谢谢~~~~~~~~
第二段例子的三个V-ing是living，having和being unable to 的并列，都跟在leaving的后面是people做主语，哦……或许把leaving改成forcing，然后后面三个单词改成to do形式，好认一点？
分号那个我错了……改成and thus erode
enlarge是不太像……好像时态叶写错了orz……
谢谢啊好仔细~~~~~~~晚上改你的综合哈不好意思

cquzyr

那个因为我6.1的还没写，而且我功底也不是很好，你可以帮sherlock改一下6.1的独立写作吗？我觉得我给他改的不是很好也。