【5/11一战】【独立写作】

山禾璟

gobelieve 发表于 2013-4-9 22:57
4/9 government support the scientific researchAs the inevitable result of social development,the pub ...

谢谢你的修改！待会我马上修改你的作文
昨天写的有点赶，看到你的回复后我也犹豫了一下这个题的重点……题目中指出有的实验是没有实践价值的那么文章思路变成“政府应该支持科学研究但是应该支持那些严谨的、有实用价值的研究。”会更全面一些
这样审题的话我的作文就片面了，需要修改……

山禾璟

4/9 重写

山禾璟

4/10 If childs want to do well in school,parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies.
（下次要加快码字速度）

As the inevitable result of social development, we can expand our source of knowledge and broaden our horizon not only by reading books and learning from school, but also by searching the Internet and watching TV and movies. Though, watching TV is one of the way for children to acquire knowledge and entertainment, it is commonly believed in parents that spending much time watching TV, especially for children, is a waste of time and lead to a bad assessment in the study. Personally, I prefer the opinion that parents should not limit their children's time watching TV or movies as it is not an effective solution.

From one perspective, there are many factors that cause children could not do well in school. For example, do not have a correct way of learning, the course is difficult, or even lacking the interest in the course. Parents should care more about the main reason that cause children could not get a higher degree. Furthermore, the problem could be from the time management. So it is important for parents to lead children to develop a good habit of time management. It will helpchildren improve the ability of high efficiency. Leading is effective than fobidding.

From another perspective, some TV programs, such as news and documentaries of history and nature, are beneficial for children to establish a brief comprehension about knowledges that may be boring in textbooks. When I was in primary school, my favorite TV program is Human and Nature. I learned a lot about the mysterious nature and help me to get a good degree in my biology class. Also, some movies which present cultural background of history and society, Oscar Award winners for instance, can be a direct way for audience to improve their knowledge of humanity, culture, and history. Parents should pay more attention to choose which kind of program or movie should children watch rather than forbid them to watch TV and movies.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that parents should not limit the hours of watching TV. Firstly, limiting the time of watching TV is not the direct way to help children improve their school records.Secondly, some educative TV programs and movies help children to broaden their horizon in a accessible and remarkable way. Therefore, it is important for parents to communicate with their children to find out the key problem in their study and crack it together by efforts. Last but not the least, children have to learn how to manage their time of study and entertainment.

gobelieve

山禾璟 发表于 2013-4-10 14:29
谢谢你的修改！待会我马上修改你的作文
昨天写的有点赶，看到你的回复后我也犹豫了一下这个题的重点…… ...

我也想在修改一下我的文章，这样的话我们修改完了在互相看看吧好吗？(*￣︶￣)y

山禾璟

gobelieve 发表于 2013-4-10 18:25
我也想在修改一下我的文章，这样的话我们修改完了在互相看看吧好吗？(*￣︶￣)y  ...

没问题！

aoyun6334358

4/10 If childs want to do well in school,parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies.
（下次要加快码字速度）

As the inevitable result of social development, we can expand our source of knowledge and broaden our horizon not only by reading books and learning from school, but also by searching the Internet and watching TV and movies. Though, watching TV is one of the way for children to acquire knowledge and entertainment, it is commonly believed in parents that spending much time watching TV, especially for children, is a waste of time and lead to a bad assessment(换成outcome )in the study. Personally, I prefer the opinion that parents should not limit their children's time watching TV or movies as it is not an effective solution.（开头引得非常好，也明确的表达了自己的观点）

From one perspective, there are many factors that cause children could not do well in school. For example, do not have a correct way of learning, the course is difficult, or even lacking the interest in the course. Parents should care more about the main reason that cause children could not get a higher degree. Furthermore, the problem could be from the time management. So it is important for parents to lead children to develop a good habit of time management. It will help children improve the ability of high efficiency. Leading is effective than fo（r）bidding. （作者用some factor做分论点，论点不是很清晰，换成个具体点的 ，在加例子以佐证更好。）

From another perspective, some TV programs, such as news and documentaries of history and nature, are beneficial for children to establish a brief comprehension about knowledges（知识不可数） that may be boring in textbooks. （有点别扭which seem to be boring in textbook.）When I was in primary school, my favorite TV program is Human and Nature. I learned a lot about the (the 去掉)mysterious nature and help me to get a good degree in my biology class.(这个句子有问题help 的主语是什么把help me to 去掉) Also, some movies which present cultural background of history and society, Oscar Award winners for instance, can be a direct way for audience to improve their knowledge of humanity, culture, and history. Parents should pay more attention to choose which kind of program or movie should children watch rather than forbid them to watch TV and movies. （没啥说的分论点明确，例子清晰。）

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that parents should not limit the hours of watching TV. Firstly, limiting the time of watching TV is not the direct way to help children improve their school records. Secondly, some educative TV programs and movies help children to broaden their horizon in a(n) accessible and remarkable way. Therefore, it is important for parents to communicate with their children to find out the key problem in their study and crack it together by efforts. Last but not the least, children have to learn how to manage their time of study and entertainment.
总结:注意下个别的语法问题，作者思路明确，条理清晰，别的方面很好。

山禾璟

4/11 Colleges and universities must do a better job preparation of the workplace for students.
(码字速度上去了就要加快文章组织的速度)

As the inevitable result of social and economy development, college and university students are facing with new opportunities and challenges. How could a workplace freshman adapt  quickly to an unfamiliar work environment? The answer is clear: enhancing practical ability. But there is a common phenomenon that students usually pay more attention to the theory learning and overlook the importance of practice. Views vary from person to person whether practical education should be involved in higher education in colleges and universities or not.  Personally, I prefer the opinion that colleges and universities should afford students a job preparation of the workplace.

First and foremost, theory teaching should be integrated with actual practice. Practice is an accessible and remarkable way to enhance knowledge and skills. For me, when I learned about financial statement preparation, I need to certificate vouchers by group work and analyze them each by each to prepare our statement. The method and samples in the textbook are limited. Only if taking it into practice can I learn more solutions about different conditions those may occur in the actual workplace. And it does help me a lot during my internship and examinations. Obviously, learning by practicing is effective.

Secondly, having a preparation of workplace is beneficial for students to plan their future career. According to the survey by human resource department recently, a group of graduates  would start an unfamiliar career unrelated with their major in university. The survey report also shows that someof these graduates did feel they wasted time on adapting a new workplace. If they had a preparation for their future career already in university, the result maybe changed. So it is essential to set some preparation education for college and universities to learn more about their future workplace. It helps them to have a clear aim to their future jobs and they could change majors they interested in time.

I agree that there may be a couple of disadvantages of preparing job preparation for college and university students. On the one hand, it may cost a lot of money and resource to simulate an actual work environment. On the other hand, job preparation tutorial could not be fit for each student. However, in my point of view, it is obvious that the benefits of job preparation overweigh its disadvantages.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that, colleges and universities have to do a better job preparation of the workplace for students. From one perspective, it is undeniable that the combination of theory and practice is an effective way to acquire professional knowledge and skills. From another perspective,taking into the interest in the long run, laying a solid foundation of job preparation is beneficial. Therefore, setting related courses or tutorials to help students to learn more about the actual workplace in colleges and universities is necessary.

山禾璟

4/10 修改中

As the inevitable result of social development, we can expand our source of knowledge and broaden our horizon not only by reading books and learning from school, but also by searching the Internet and watching TV and movies. Though, watching TV is one of the way for children to acquire knowledge and entertainment, it is commonly believed in parents that spending much time watching TV, especially for children, is a waste of time and lead to a bad outcome in study. Personally, I prefer the opinion that parents should not limit their children's time watching TV or movies as it is not an effective solution.

From one perspective, there are many factors that cause children could not do well in school. For example, do not have a correct way of learning, the course is difficult, or even lacking the interest in the course. Parents should care more about the main reason that cause children could not get a higher degree. Furthermore, the problem could be from the time management. So it is important for parents to lead children to develop a good habit of time management. It will help children improve the ability of high efficiency. Leading is effective than forbidding. （作者用some factor做分论点，论点不是很清晰，换成个具体点的 ，在加例子以佐证更好。）

From another perspective, some TV programs, such as news and documentaries of history and nature, are beneficial for children to establish a brief comprehension about knowledge which seem to be boring in textbook. When I was in primary school, my favorite TV program is Human and Nature. I learned a lot about mysterious nature and got a good degree in my biology class. Also, some movies which present cultural background of history and society, Oscar Award winners for instance, can be a direct way for audience to improve their knowledge of humanity, culture, and history. Parents should pay more attention to choose which kind of program or movie should children watch rather than forbid them to watch TV and movies.

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that parents should not limit the hours of watching TV. Firstly, limiting the time of watching TV is not the direct way to help children improve their school records. Secondly, some educative TV programs and movies help children to broaden their horizon in an accessible and remarkable way. Therefore, it is important for parents to communicate with their children to find out the key problem in their study and crack it together by efforts. Last but not the least, children have to learn how to manage their time of study and entertainment.

viviyl

As theinevitable result of social and economy(economic) development, college and university students arefacing with new opportunities and challenges. How could a workplace freshmanadapt quickly to an unfamiliar work environment? The answer is clear:enhancing practical ability. But there is a common(universal) phenomenon that students usually paymore attention to the theory learning and overlook the importance of practice.Views vary from person to person whether practical education should be involvedin higher education in colleges and universities or not.  Personally,I prefer the opinion that colleges and universities should afford students ajob preparation of the workplace.

Firstand foremost, theory teaching should be integrated with actual practice.Practice is an accessible and remarkable way to enhance knowledge and skills.For me, when I learned about financial statement preparation, I need tocertificate vouchers by group work and analyze them each by each to prepare ourstatement. The method(s) and samples in thetextbook are limited. Only if taking it(them)into practice can I learn more solutions about different conditions those mayoccur in the actual workplace. And it does help me a lot during my internshipand examinations. Obviously, learning by practicing is effective.

Secondly,having a preparation of workplace is beneficial for students to plan theirfuture career. According to the survey (conducted)by human resource department recently, a group ofgraduates  would start an unfamiliar career unrelated with theirmajor in university. The survey report also shows that some of these graduatesdid feel they wasted time on adapting a new workplace. If they had apreparation for their future career already(放前面好一点) in university, the result may bechanged. So it is essential to set some preparation education for college anduniversities (students) to learn more abouttheir future workplace. It helps them to have a clear aim to their future jobsand they could change majors they interested in time.

I agree that there may be a couple of disadvantages of preparing jobpreparation for college and university students. On the one hand, it may cost alot of money and resource to simulate an actual work environment. On the otherhand, job preparation tutorial(s) could not befit(suitable, appropriate …)for each student. However, in my point of view, it is obvious that the benefitsof job preparation overweigh its disadvantages. (个人觉得作让步证明的时候最好是小小地让步一下然后更充分地去论证转折后的观点， 比如可以说虽然会耗费人力财力但学生的就业率会变高因而学校的形象会提升blah blah…)

From what has been discussed above, we can draw the conclusion that, collegesand universities have to do a better job preparation of the workplace forstudents. From one perspective, it is undeniable that the combination of theoryand practice is an effective way to acquire professional knowledge and skills.From another perspective, taking into the interest in the long run(long-term interest),laying a solid foundation of job preparation is beneficial(前面句子是taking into开头，主句应该是一人开始才符合逻辑). Therefore, settingrelated courses or tutorials to help students to learn more about the actual(real) workplace in collegesand universities is necessary.

论点和论证还不错。句式和表达在多样化一些就更好了。

然后是个别语法问题注意一下~加油~

aoyun6334358

山禾璟 发表于 2013-4-11 22:16
4/10 修改中

As the inevitable result of social development, we can expand our source of ...

战友都改了，好勤快，加油！