前两次都是25，要三战了，求高人指点，求突破啊！！！

yzwdan818

6.8独立

Do you agreeor disagree with the following statement?
父母應該多陪孩子玩遊戲或體育運動，還是陪孩子做和學校學習有關的事情?

What is the mostcommon thing you parents accompanied with to do when you were in yourchildhood? Is reviewing your acknowledge learned from classes or playing anddoing exercise with you? My parents once checked my homework regularly, but godknows how much I wanted them to play some games with me or even to have a walkwith me in the nearby park. From the perspective of a small and lovely child, thatparents play with us or take us out for exercise is more meaningful than thatparents keep on helping us with studying. And I insist that the benefits bothchildren and parents can get from playing and exercising are more than that getfrom studying with parents’ companioning.

Although we cannotdeny the fact that most of the modern parents are well-educated, thus they mayable to tutor child in their homework and solve child’s problems of somecurriculums. It is also obvious that most parents do not have the systematic teachingmethod which plays an important role in child’s study process. Not to speak ofsome parents who did not accept enough education, they may even mislead theirchild. Teachers in school already take the responsibility of instilling knowledgeand skills to children. And most of them do very well in their job position, sothere is no need for parents to butt into this area. And students nowadays playmost of their time in school. They may be under great pressure if their parentsjust focus on their studying. And this imposed pressure will has bad influenceon the normal study of their child.

And on thecontrary, games and exercise can inspire children’s creativeness and imagination,light the wisdom spark of children and make children’s body well-prepared forstudying. We can improve the studying efficiency by playing games and doingexercise because these activities can make children relax after long-timestudying, helping students to get out of the sluggish in studying and find newways to solve their academic questions. In addition, health is the foundationof all other things. Adults now mostly lack a good physical condition. Doingexercise with children can bring health to whole family, leading to thedevelopment of children’s studying and, at the same time, adults’ workingperformance.

And speaking of parentsplaying and exercising with their children, a piece of warm and peacefulscenery just comes into our mind. They are definitely wonderful ways toincreasing the relationship between parents and children. And a normal and goodrelation between parents and children is a necessary factor of people’s healthmental stage. And we all know that a health mentality is also the prerequisiteto be a outstanding students.

Recalling myperspective above, I agree with the statement that parents should play games ordo exercise with their child rather than doing other things related to studying.This will bring our more long-term benefits which may surprise us.               

kellyzhou0000

What is the mostcommon thing your parents accompanied with （to do ）when you were in（ your）childhood? Is reviewing your acknowledge learned from classes or playing anddoing exercise with you?这句话单复数结构有点不对，表达的意思挺模糊。可以用排比句吧 My parents once checked（used to check） my homework regularly, but godknows how much I wanted them to play some games with me or even to have a walkwith me in the nearby park. From the perspective of a small and lovely child, thatparents play with us or take us out for exercise is more meaningful than（ thatparents keep on） helping us with studying. And I insist that the benefits bothchildren and parents can get from playing and exercising are more than that getfrom studying with parents’ companioning.

Although we cannotdeny the fact that most of the modern parents are well-educated, thus they mayable to tutor child in their homework and solve child’s problems of somecurriculums. It is also obvious that most parents do not have the systematic teachingmethod which plays an important role in child’s study process. Not to speak ofsome parents who did not accept enough education, they may even mislead theirchild. Teachers in school already take the responsibility of instilling knowledgeand skills to children. And most of them do very well in their job position, sothere is no need for parents to butt into this area. And students nowadays playmost of their time in school. They may be under great pressure if their parentsjust focus on their studying. And this imposed pressure will has bad influenceon the normal study of their child.

And on thecontrary, games and exercise can inspire children’s creativeness and imagination,light the wisdom spark of children and make children’s body well-prepared forstudying. We can improve the studying efficiency by playing games and doingexercise because these activities can make children relax after long-timestudying, helping students to get out of the sluggish in studying and find newways to solve their academic questions. In addition, health is the foundationof all other things. Adults now mostly lack a good physical condition. Doingexercise with children can bring health to whole family, leading to thedevelopment of children’s studying and, at the same time, adults’ workingperformance.

And speaking of parentsplaying and exercising with their children, a piece of warm and peacefulscenery just comes into our mind. They are definitely wonderful ways toincreasing the relationship between parents and children. And a normal and goodrelation between parents and children is a necessary factor of people’s healthmental stage. And we all know that a health mentality is also the prerequisiteto be a outstanding students.

Recalling myperspective above, I agree with the statement that parents should play games ordo exercise with their child rather than doing other things related to studying.This will bring our more long-term benefits which may surprise us.  

事例陈述的时候连接词用的有点少，条理蛮清晰的

yzwdan818

10 June
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can make friends with guy who has more money.
The old saying always lingers in my mind that friends is a big deal of fortune for us during our lifetimes. Our friends usually vary from person to person, and the versatile characteristics of our friends contribute to our colorful and cheerful lives. When I regard my friends as wealth for us, I do not mean to focus on the real money or possession my friends have. However, can we make friends with wealthy people? I think we should take other factors into contemplation. I recommend that money should not be a necessary standard for us to choose a friend. Admittedly, money also should not be an obstacle for someone to be friend of us.
In fact, money can bring us a lot of benefits and deeper us relationship if we use it properly. For example, if neither my friends nor I lack money, we can go to watch a movie to relax ourselves, travel to other places to broad our knowledge and donate money to keep our warm heart. Kate, one of my best friends, was born in a wealth family. She is a nice and generous person who likes to try new things and explore the whole world with us. And she once used her money to get one of our friends out of trouble. Although we shouldn’t always depend on or wish for the financial help from our friend, that seems we are taking the advantage of others, it’s really very helpful when a emergence takes place. And it will not influence our friendship so long so we return the money after our hard time.
Furthermore, people who earn much money by themselves must have some advantages that we can learn. They must be hard-worked, persistent, or diligent and have a strong heart which helps them overcome all difficulties in their life. Making friends with that kind of successful people can motivate us to be an excellent person just like them.
But all of the wealthy people who is suitable for us to make friends I mentioned before must have no bad character or improper behavior. If they use their money without appreciation, do harm to others with the help of money or even use money to break the law, we definitely should not make friends with them. Also, if people make money in illegal ways and opposite to the social moral, we need to keep away from them, not speaking to be friends of them.
As far as I am concern, money is a double-sided sword which can make a people be the best ideal friend of us if it is used correctly, and can make a people be a notorious person that everyone criticizes him. So, should we choose a wealth people as our friend? Let take more factors into consideration.        
     

sherlock1992

实在很抱歉，昨天突然断网了，没改成。
10 June
Independent Writing：

红色修改，蓝色建议，高亮表赞

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can make friends with guy who has more money.
The old saying always lingers in my mind that friends is（are) a big deal(楼主这里是想表达很多的意思吧，但是a big deal of似乎没有这样的意思） of fortune for us during our lifetimes.(注意句子间要用连词） Our friends usually vary from person to person(感觉这里的person最好有区别，即one person to another person), and the versatile characteristics of our friends contribute to our colorful and cheerful lives. When I regard my friends as wealth for us, I do not mean to focus on the real money or possession my friends have. However, can we make friends with wealthy people? I think we should take other factors into contemplation(该词表沉思，这里用似乎不太合适吧，个人意见）. I recommend that money should not be a necessary standard for us to choose a friend. Admittedly, money also（also放在should之后） should not be an obstacle for someone to be friend of us.
In fact, money can bring us a lot of benefits and deeper（deep不能做动词啊） us relationship if we use it properly. For example, if neither my friends nor I lack money, we can go to watch a movie to relax ourselves, travel to other places to broad（broad不能做动词啊） our knowledge and donate money to keep our warm heart（这里稍显别扭）. Kate, one of my best friends, was born in a wealth family. She is a nice and generous person who likes to try new things and explores the whole world with us. And she once used her money to get one of our friends out of trouble. Although we shouldn’t always depend on or wish for the financial help from our friend, that seems we are taking the advantage of others, it’s really very helpful when a emergence takes place. And it will not influence our friendship so long so（as) we return the money after our hard time(after之后只能接句子）.
Furthermore, people who earn much money by themselves must have some advantages that we can learn. They must be hard-worked（hardworking), persistent, or diligent and have a strong heart which helps them overcome all difficulties in their life. Making friends with that kind of successful people can motivate us to be an excellent person just like them.
But all of the wealthy people who is（are) suitable for us to make friends I mentioned before must have no bad character or improper behavior. If they use their money without appreciation, do harm to others with the help of money or even use money to break the law, we definitely should not make friends with them. Also, if people make money in illegal ways and opposite to the social moral, we need to keep away from them, not speaking to(这种表达太中式了吧，用let alone比较合适） be friends of them.
As far as I am concerned, money is a double-sided(double-edged) sword which can make a people be(to be/being) the best ideal friend of us if it is used correctly, and can make a people be a notorious person that everyone criticizes him. So, should we choose a wealth people as our friend? Let us take more factors into consideration.        
总结：1.赶脚题目中的more比较对象应该是“决定要不要交朋友的一方”，而不是笼统的要不要和有钱人交朋友，所以这也是我感觉难写的原因。
          2.楼主的一些固定搭配稍显中式，同时也出现了些微语法错误，希望以后注意下。
          3.文章总体结果其实还蛮匀称的，用词也挺不错。
          4.最后，，，，永远不变的最后一句，，，楼主加油！

yzwdan818

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-12 09:36
实在很抱歉，昨天突然断网了，没改成。
10 June
Independent Writing：

非常感谢~说实话，你是目前给我给我改文章让我收获最大的一个同学，拜谢~~

sherlock1992

受宠若惊。。。

yzwdan818

11 June   

Do you agree ordisagree with the following statement?
学校应该出钱支持social activities 还是改善学生伙食?

Although the developmentof economy is rapid these days, but it seems that many schools don not benefitfrom it. The problem of financial pressure comes into people’s mind becausemany students cannot get appropriate food services or fund for socialactivities. It may result of the increasing enrollment of students. That put alot of pressure in the resource and budget. When the money is limited, I willrecommend school to improve the quality of foods provided first for followingreasons.

For the mostimportant, no one can deny that a good health is the prerequisite andfoundation of good study and excellent performance in social activities. Thusbefore we use money to support students to hold social activities, we shouldpay more attention and money to ensure that the students have enough energy andhealth body condition to undertake these activities. They are supposed to beenergetic when they join activities, and of course they should not have astomachache or other problem when they devote themselves in these activities.So the first step to guarantee this is to improve the sanitary condition ofschool cafeteria. It calls a lot of money to employ more people do clean work, updatean advanced disinfection machine and buy more fresh raw meat and vegetables.The second step is to provide foods with more nutrition and vitamins, which notjust keep the health but can improve the health condition. And it inevitableneed more money to implement these plans.

Besides that, whenwe compare the consequence of the not prosperous social activities and a notqualified food service, we can immediately know which is more urgent for us toimprove. Because students will just complain the lack of wonderful socialactivities without do more things, but their parents or even the governmentwill accused the bad food provided in the school. Schools may get punished byrelative national departments and lose their reputation accumulating by theirhard teaching and other advantages. Only when we put money to improve students’food, can both the students and school get the biggest benefits.

As far as I amconcerned, a clean and balanced-nutrition food is an exemplification of school’sresponsibility and love for students that every school should solve thisproblem first before trying to improve other aspects of the school. So when theschool has limited money, please just forget about the social activity first,and focus on improving the food in their cafeterias.

louzhou

Although the development of economy is rapid these days, but（前面有although，这里就不需要but了） it seems that many schools don(do) not benefit from it. The problem of financial pressure comes into people’s mind because many students cannot get appropriate food services or fund for socialactivities. It may result of the increasing enrollment of students. That put a lot of pressure in the resource and budget. When the money is limited, I will recommend school to improve the quality of foods provided first for following reasons.

For the most important, no one can deny that a good health is the prerequisite and foundation of good study and excellent performance in social activities. Thus before we use money to support students to hold social activities, we should pay more attention and money to ensure that the students have enough energy and health(healthy) body condition to undertake these activities. They are supposed to been ergetic when they join activities, and of course they should not have astomach ache or other problem when they devote themselves in these activities.So the first step to guarantee this is to improve the sanitary condition ofschool cafeteria. It calls a lot of money to employ more people do clean work, update an advanced disinfection machine and buy more fresh raw meat and vegetables.The second step is to provide foods with more nutrition and vitamins, which not just keep the health but can improve the health condition. And it inevitable need more money to implement these plans.

Besides that, when we compare the consequence of the not prosperous social activities and a not qualified food service, we can immediately know which is more urgent for us to improve. Because students will just complain the lack of wonderful social activities without do more things, but their parents or even the government will accused the bad food provided in the school. Schools may get punished byrelative national departments and lose their reputation accumulating by theirhard teaching and other advantages. Only when we put money to improve students’food, can both the students and school get the biggest benefits.

As far as I am concerned, a clean and balanced-nutrition food is an exemplification of school’s responsibility and love for students that every school should solve this problem first before trying to improve other aspects of the school. So when the school has limited money, please just forget about the social activity first, and focus on improving the food in their（前面school用单数，这里用its好一点） cafeterias.

排版的时候我还是习惯段落之间空行哈，看起来比较舒服而且正式文章也这么做（当然托福考试里面不空行也是可以的）……
楼主基本没有语法错误，这一点很好！而且整篇文章比较规范。
1. 感觉第三段把没钱投资饭堂导致的结果有点夸大化了，个人觉得侧重点在于对声誉的影响（而不是政府的punishment）上比较好；
2. 这么说文章就只有两个分论点了，时间允许的话还是写三个分论点更合适；
3. 感觉文中的单句有点多，必要的时候可以组合成复合句。
4. 加油！

yzwdan818

9.9独立   
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes,  are more important to younger people than to older people.

I strongly agree that the viewpoints and idea of notable people are more important to the younger than to the older. Opinions of famous people can guide people to find their goals, encourage them to defeat problems and give them confidence for a better future. We sometimes regard this phenomenon as the “power of idol”, and what an obvious fact that the younger are affected deeper than the older by this kind of power, so by celebrities. I will explain it in follow aspects.

First let’s figure out what we will gain from opinions of famous people. The most common points released by them in public must be their persistence for their dream and curiosity for new things. These spirits and thoughts play a more significant role in teenager's life than adult's, because adults usually already found their life directions and search for a stable and normal life. Persistence for an unrealizable dream and curiosity for new adventure are no more the main theme of their life. This usually happens in our everyday life. As a young people, I will always be motivated by the saying of notable people such as Jack Chen and LiuXiang that diligent work is the key to success. But my parents have no special feelings and seldom inspire by them. Thus it's no doubt we young people will take the opinion of celebrities more frequently into our consideration than the older people do.

Another reason is that young people are easier to expose to celebrities' opinion. As celebrities' opinion mostly spread by modern media, people who have more accesses to media such as TV, broadcast, internet are inevitably easier to be influenced. Younger people, the most active opponent in modern media without dispute, will accept more points than older people in the nature of things. Recognizing many idols sprung out recent years such as young athlete LinShuhao and famous foreign actress Angelina Julia, I am familiar with their experiences and life opinions. LinShuhao is a talent but modest NBA star, and Julia devoted herself to public welfare. I am impressed by what they did and thought. On the contrary, my parents even didn’t know who they are, not mention to learn something from them. Apparently, viewpoints from famous people are more important to younger people.

Apart from what I mentioned above, there are some other reasons. On the one hand, although no one can deny that few older people do regard famous people as models, we also acknowledge that having outstanding idols and learning their spirits is one of the most significant lessons for all younger people at school. On the other hand, younger people always have more chance to carry out notabilities’ standpoints and more energy to revise them, so that the young can obtain more from them.  

Taking all these reasons above into consideration, I still more agree that notable people's ideas and thoughts are more important to younger people than older people. Younger people can benefit a lot by learning from notabilities. Our society should set more famous people as good examples and encourage young people to learn from them.

sherlock1992

童鞋，我的独立好了 http://forum.chasedream.com/foru ... ;extra=#pid18665493

求批改