练习一篇Argument，请帮我看看有什么需要改进的地方！万分感谢！

ltt8tnt

The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."

The argument that a jazz music club in Monroe must be profitable is not entirely logically convincing, since it ignores several certain assumptions.

In the first place, the arguer assumes that people would definitely join a jazz music club because other jazz clubs are far away from Monroe. The arguer hastily claims that the proposed jazz club, the C-Note would have the local market all to itself. However, it is quite possible that people who are not live in Monroe may drive to the city and have fun in the new jazz club. If a person is a real jazz fan, he or she may not care about driving a long way to attend a jazz club. Therefore, the C-Note would not have the local market all to itself; it is possible that the potential customers in C-Note are living around the city of Monroe but not specifically in the city.

In the second place, the arguer fails to consider that there might be various ways for jazz fans in jazz entertainment. Although the argument indicates that jazz is popular in Monroe, it does not mean people have to join a jazz music club. It is very likely that Jazz lovers stay at home and listen Jazz music on radio. Jazz fans may attend many jazz festivals, and also they can watch jazz performances by Internet. If people living in Monroe do jazz entertainment in these different ways, a jazz music club in the city of Monroe would not be extremely profitable enterprise for sure. Thus, without ruling out these and other alternative ways to enjoy jazz music, the arguer cannot bolster the application.

The last but not the least important, the arguer assumes that the result in a nationwide study about expenses of jazz music could equal to the result in a local study in Monroe. Despite arguer provides a nationwide survey to show the typical jazz lover spends on jazz entertainment, the situation in Monroe may be not comparable with other cities. For instance, if the economical situation in Monroe is poorer than other big cities such as Los Angeles, Chicago, people living in Monroe cannot afford themselves to join a jazz club. $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment may be a piece of cake for people from big cities, but it might be a lot of money for people living in small cities. Therefore, in order to strengthen the argument, the author should study the economical situation of Monroe and survey if people would like to pay fees to join a jazz club, and what range of the club fees can be acceptable for Jazz lovers in Monroe.

To sum up, the argument mentioned above is not based on sound reasoning. To strengthen the argument, arguer should collect more information about the city of Monroe. It is better to do a local survey on typical jazz fans spends on Jazz entertainment and to take into consideration that people prefer to join a jazz club instead of other possible ways.

普渡哥

第一段这样写肯定会减分的。

ltt8tnt

意思是要总结一下argument的内容吗？我之前那样练过给别人看，人家说我第一段写太长，我当时写了四五句吧。说argument和issue不同，应该简单说两句就直接入body paragraphs. 最近看Princeton出版的Cracking GRE参考书里，关于argument写作部分也是这样教的。求教第一段怎样写比较理想？谢谢！