即日起开始无限制帮各位修改作文

frankiepn

发了一篇。。。。作文现在好头痛啊。。学校要求5分啊。。。真是不知道如何下手了

frankiepn

没想到这么快就收到回复，谢谢Rio的批改和评分！！以下贴出来Rio的修改意见：

题目：

The following appeared in an editorial from a newspaper serving the town of Saluda:
“The Saluda Consolidated High School offers more than 200 different courses from which its students can choose. A much smaller private school down the street offers a basic curriculum of only 80 different courses, but it consistently sends a higher proportion of its graduating seniors on to college than Consolidated does. By eliminating at least half of the courses offered there and focusing on a basic curriculum, we could improve student performance at Consolidated and also save many tax dollars.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.


My work:

In this argument, the author concludes that the Saluda Consolidated High School should eliminate at least half of the courses and focus on a basic curriculum so that it can improve student performance and save tax dollars. To buttress this proposition, the arguer points out that a much smaller private school offers only 80 courses but sends a higher proportion of its graduating seniors on to college than Consolidated does. At first glance, the argument appears to have some merits. Close scrutiny, however, reveals various logical flaws that render the author’s line of reasoning questionable.

To begin with, the evidence the author provides in insufficient to validate the conclusion drawn from it. The only evidence in this argument is the proportion of a certain small school’s graduating seniors on to college. Figures of one school are logically unsounded to establish a general conclusion unless it can be shown that this school is representative of all schools. It is possible that, other private schools offer similar number of course but didn’t reach the proportion. In fact, in face of such limited evidence, the claim is unwarranted.

Furthermore, even if it is granted that the private school mentioned is representative of overall schools,[这里写的很好，可以加0.5] it is highly doubtful that the facts drawn from a particular school are applicable to Consolidated School. For instance, it is possible that the private school is located in the out skirt of a city so the students there have a good atmosphere to study while the Consolidated School is located in the city center so the student would spent more time for entertain if the Consolidated cut its courses. Accordingly, it is premature to assert that the Consolidated School will experience the same consequence after cutting its courses as the private school did.[这部分的论证重点应该是：学生的差异可能导致升学率的差异，而不是课程的选择。]

Last but not least, the author commits a fallacy of causal oversimplification. The line of reasoning is that the private school a basic curriculum of only 80 different courses, so it consistently sends a higher proportion of its graduating seniors on to college than Consolidated does. However, this reasoning is irrational[这个用词有点太重，不要说原作者irrational，但是可以说flawed。] unless other possible causal factors have been considered and ruled out. For example, perhaps the private school only accepts high level students or perhaps in the private school, teachers’ ability is much higher than that of the Consolidated School. [这一段开头的论点很不错，因为很多人想不到。说明你已经具备了七宗罪得基本分析，但是后面的举例应该说：也许是也许课程少和成绩好都只是一种现象，他们同时出现不代表有因果。注意！！！这种分析是最能拿高分的，基本上能分析出这一点，就能加一分。]Thus, any decision aimed at addressing the Consolidated School’s low proportion of graduating seniors on to college must be based on a more thorough investigation to gather data in order to locate the actual cause of this issue.

To sum up, this argument is somewhat defective and hence is not reasonable and persuasive as it stands. To solidify the conclusion, the author should provide more reliable evidence to demonstrate that the private school is representative of all schools, and that the high proportion of the private school’s graduating seniors on to college is due to its courses numbers. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than just an emotional appeal.

总分4.5，如果能把我提到的两点加进去，5.5。

hemodata

Rio真的回复的好快阿！非常感谢！最后一段还没来得及按照建议修改：

题目：
52. The following editorial appeared in the Elm City paper.
“The construction last year of a shopping mall in downtown Oak City was a mistake. Since the mall has opened, a number of local businesses have closed, and the downtown area suffers from an acute parking shortage, and arrests for crime and vagrancy have increased in the nearby Oak City Park. Elm City should pay attention to the example of the Oak City mall and deny the application to build a shopping mall in Elm City.”

我的正文：（Word Count: 519）
In the argument, the author states that since the opening of the shopping mall, there has been a series of problems in Oak City, including the closure of local businesses, parking shortage in the downtown area and increasing arrests of crime and vagrancy. Consequently, the author believes that the construction of Oak City mall was a mistake and suggests Elm City to deny the application to build a shopping mall. However, there are several flaws in the author's line of reasoning, which have weakened the argument.
Most conspicuously, the author assumes the build of the shopping mall has resulted in all the problems mentioned above. But the only evidence offered is that the former occurred before the latter. Perhaps there are other factors caused the problems. First, if some of the local businesses had poor management even before last year, their recent closures might have little to do with the opening of a new shopping mall. Second, if the numbers of automobiles are increasing rapidly in Oak City this year, there might also be a shortage of car parking area, despite whether the new shopping mall have attracted more customers than the closed ones did in the past. Finally, for the increasing of arrests for crime and vagrancy, maybe that is a result of improving efficiency of local police. Before all these factors are carefully considered and ruled out, the argument is dubious at best.
Moreover, even if the construction of a new shopping mall does cause a number of problems, solely focusing on its negative effects is unfair. Opening shopping malls could be beneficial for the local residents. For example, new shopping malls might provide new job vacancies and a more convenient way for people to purchase daily supplies. It may raise the tax revenue of the local government as well. If the benefits overweigh the disadvantages, it would not make sense to deny the application to build a new shopping mall in Elm City. Therefore, a cost benefit analysis must be made when evaluate the suggestion from the author.

Finally, even if all the problems happen in Oak City are due to the construction of the mall, it is not guaranteed that the same things will happen in Elm City. Opening a new shopping mall might be a potential inducement to high criminal rites, crowded neighborhoods and fierce competitions between the new business and local shops. But whether these will become true still depend on other factors, such as local regulations, current status of local retail industry and the details of the parking areas in Elm City. Without information of relevant factors and a comprehensive analysis, the argument is not convincing.

To sum up, the argument is not compelling to me because the author fails to build any causal relationship between the opening of the shopping mall and the problems happened in the Oak City. To strengthen the argument, the author should analyze both the cost and benefit of opening a shopping mall in Elm City. To further evaluate the argument, I would also like to know more about the similarities between Elm City and Oak City.

 
我的两个疑问：

1、        Finally那一段：我的论点是在Oak发生的事情不一定会发生在Elm。觉得这个论点不错，但自己的论述空泛。虽然在修改的时候已经增加两句，但还是觉得不够具体。也没有找到合适的参考文章。不知道Rio对此有什么建议吗？

2、        结尾段：我是把针对前面三段的内容小结拆开来写了，有点像“批判原文错误-给建议-提出还需要什么信息来完善”的结构。不知道这样可以吗？还是说应该一次性把三个问题都再列一遍，如果有时间再给一点建议什么的。
============================
Rio的回复：

我觉得你的正文已经写得非常好了，基本上没有要修改的。

第三个论点，你开头写的没问题，接下来可以强调Elm这个城市也许在种种方面和Oak不同，比如人口，商业模式等等，所以oak可能变差也可能变好。我来举个例子，你说：But whether these will become ture（拼错了） still depend on other factors, such as local regulations, current status of local retail industry and the details of the parking areas in Elm City.这里你只写出了factors，所以你觉有点欠缺。你可以说这些factor怎样怎样的话，会怎么影响，比如你可以说也许elm完全可以借鉴oak的例子，在商场多建一些立体停车场等等，这样的话就比较实在一些。

最后一段你的写法没什么问题，有总结，有展望，就足够了。

rixianglanren

楼大人品很高啊

MangoYu

Rio你好~非常感谢！大好人！作文已经发到邮箱了，请斧正。

kidsu1991

先谢过楼主！！！！！作文已发至邮箱。

fulimin

楼主，作文发到您邮箱里了，求大神修改

charlotte706

感谢Rio大神的指教！贴上自己的两篇作文原文以及楼主的批复！
Statement: “Motorcycle X has been manufactured in the United States for over 70 years. Although one foreign company has copied the motorcycle and is selling it for less, the company has failed to attract motorcycle X customers—some say because its product lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. But there must be some other explanation. After all, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. Also, television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines, not its noisiness, and the ads typically have voice-overs or rock music rather than engine-roar on the sound track.”

Argument:
The author argues that there must be other explanation than the absence of loud noise for the fact that the motorcycles produced by the foreign company are less attractive to customers. However, the author fails to consider some critical points when establishing the argument. [开头简单明了，很好]

Firstly, the author points out that other foreign cars that are quieter than similar American-made cars sell at least as well as the American-made ones. And based on this fact, the author concludes that the lack of loud noise in the motorcycle made by the foreign company is not the reason for its unattractiveness to the customers. However, the author fails to consider the difference between cars and motorcycles. People who buy motorcycles may not treat them as transportation tools as people who by cars do. Rather, it is likely that they view motorcycles as a way to express themselves and to capture others’ attention. And the loud noise is exactly part of the characteristics to make them stand out. It is thus inappropriate to compare foreign motorcycles to foreign cars. [很好，挑不出什么问题]

Secondly, the author states that since the TV advertisements of motorcycle X do not emphasize its loud noise, it is reasonable to infer that it is not the loud noises that make motorcycle X popular. This inference is also inappropriate because it is totally possible that the customers of motorcycle X do not watch TV, let alone to see the TV ads. In other words, it is entirely possible that the TV ads are not the major drive of the sales of motorcycle X. [太勉强。应该说，也许loud noise已经不需要在广告中提及了]

Finally, even if the customers of motorcycle X were attracted to them because of the TV ads, it might be the case that people are attracted to, not the specific characteristics that are highlighted in the ads, but the whole image of motorcycle X in the ads, which includes the noisiness. That is, people might have gained their knowledge about motorcycle X from other channels than merely TV ads, and the TV ads only serve as a catalyst for people to actually buy the motorcycles. [犯了大忌，不要和上一个论点重复讨论一件事情。]

All in all, the argument is not convincible for the reasons stated above. In order to enhance the argument, the author should either modify the conclusion or provide more information and evidence to make the argument more plausible and persuasive.
看了前半部分感觉可以给5-5.5，但是整篇文章看完只能4.5-5了。
（384词）

Statement: “Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its 25th birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.”

Argument:
Based on the assumption that the processing costs will go down because over time organizations become more acquainted with the technique and thus more efficient, the author made an analogy between the color film processing industry and the food processing industry and concluded that with 25-year experience, the Olympic Foods will maximize profits by minimizing costs. This argument is not substantiated because the author failed to address several critical points.

Firstly, when making the analogy, the author assumes that there is no significant difference between the color film processing industry and the food processing industry. However, the two industries are totally different in terms of technology used, target market, and market pattern. It is possible that the color film industry is more technology-intensive and thus developed much faster than the food processing industry, which is a much more traditional one. [还欠缺一点点，再深入说一句会更好，比如color film是可以不断依靠机器生产的，但食品行业很多不能实现全自动。]It is therefore not appropriate to conclude that what happened in the color film processing industry will also happen to the food processing industry.

Secondly, the author fails to consider the historical background of the development of color film processing industry when applying the exact same principle to the processing of food. Instead of adopting a more recent example, the author chose the development of color film processing industry in the 1900s as an example to illustrate his point. However, technology has greatly undermined the business world since 1900s. And it might be the case that the food processing industry now is already saturated and that the potential for improvement in the technology of food processing is already very limited. When establishing the argument, the author fails to consider this factor.

Thirdly, the argument is based on the assumption that with experience long enough, Olympic Foods will be able to minimize the costs. This assumption is poorly supported in the argument. It should be noted that it is not the time elapsed that made the processing costs go down, but the research and development activities that the organizations have been committed in. Thus more information should be provided about the R&D activities that Olympic Foods have been conducting to support the conclusion. [这一段缺乏归纳，这里犯的错误其实是把两件同时发生的事情强加了因果关系，时间流逝和科技进步只是同时发生而已，但没有因果关系。]

Finally, when drawing the conclusion, the author assumes that by minimizing the costs, Olympic Foods will be able to maximize profits. There is, however, little evidence provided to support this assumption. It is entirely possible that the competition in market of food processing industry is already very fierce and Olympic Foods are forced to lower their retail price. In this case, even with minimized costs, the company can hardly attain the goal to maximize profits.

In sum, the argument is poorly supported. To substantiate the argument, the author should include more information and evidence about the analogy made between the two industries and the about the market of food processing industry.

（463词）
第一和第四个论点可以得分，如果第三个论点按照我说的写了，这篇文章可以有5.5，但目前应该是5分。

看了楼主的批注也大概了解自己在组织论据和批驳argument的时候思路上的缺陷了，非常感谢！后天就要考试了楼主简直是救命稻草！！！！THX !!!

lsshi8947

前辈好，作文已发到邮箱，请指正！

feliciafu1991

谢谢啦~ 近期开始写AWA