即日起开始无限制帮各位修改作文

hopscotch123

发现这么好的帖子，先谢谢rio了!

TakiZhao

非常感谢！！！
让我在快考试前知道段与段之间原来要空一行！！！！

258828632

已发一篇！！谢谢楼主！@

hemodata

作文分数出来了，5.5，非常谢谢Rio点评我第一篇作文
给了我很大的信心=）

iris8766

97. The following appeared in a memorandum sent by a vice-president of the Nadir Company to the company’s human resources department.
“Nadir does not need to adopt the costly ‘family-friendly’ programs that have been proposed, such as part-time work, work at home, and job-sharing. When these programs were made available at the Summit Company, the leader in its industry, only a small percentage of employees participated in them. Rather than adversely affecting our profitability by offering these programs, we should concentrate on offering extensive training that will enable employees to increase their productivity.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
In this article, the argument concludes that the Nadir company should not adopt the costly “family-friendly" programs that have been proposed, such as part-time work, work at home, and job-sharing; instead it should concentrate on offering extensive training. In the weak attempt to justify this conclusion, the argument starts out by claiming that those programs will adversely affect its profits and can not enable their employees improve their productivity. To prove its claims, the argument cites as evidence the fact that when those programs were made available in Summit Company, the leading one in this industry, only a small portion of its employees participate those programs. However plausible the above argument may sound, it is unconvincing and logically flawed for it fails to take into account of some essential considerations that must be addressed to substantiate the argument.
从"However"开始的这句话， 这部分都是废话，不要重复题目的内容。-0.5

Firstly, the argument supports the claim that offering those programs will adversely affect the profitability of the Summit Company by presenting the example of Summit Company; however the link between the claim and the evidence is based on a questionable assumption that because only a small portion of employees participated those programs, Summit Company did not achieve benefits while has to pay great costs due to the adoption of those programs. However, it is possible that those participants are mainly senior managers whose work efficiency has great impact on their subordinates. Or those employees who improve their productivity by participation in those programs may force their colleague to improve their work efficiency as well. Under circumstances like those, the assumption is questionable and the evidence is insufficient to sustain the claim. 已在原文的基础上删除了一些多余的赘述“  the argument fails to present additional  evidence to prove that is the case"

Secondly, the argument also assumes that like Summit Company, Nadir won't see many participants of those programs. " However such an assumption is invalid because the argument analogizes Nadir Company to Summit Company to predict the outcome of Nadir Company' adoption while provides no evidence to prove that their essential similarities such as they are in the same industry can outweigh their dissimilarities such as companies' policy and corporation culture. However" 的这句话句子好，但是没有内容，是不得分的。
Thus, many open possibilities will weaken the force of the argument. For example, that Summit Company' employees do not participate those programs may because the long-time competition atmosphere inside their company make them more self-motivated to work hard and willing to sacrifice their family time than those employees in other companies. Therefore, without solid evidence to rule out such possibilities, the questionable assumption undermines the argument. 本段的这句话是本段唯一的论点。
Finally, the argument proposes that offered only the extensive training, the employees can increase their productivity. But the argument presents no evidence to prove the effectiveness of such a proposal, thus leaving many possibilities such as the extensive training make their employees so tired that their work efficiency decreases dramatically. Or offering the mix of "family-friendly" programs and extensive training may boost the productivity more efficiently. So, without more information, it is presumptuous to reach such a conclusion in favor of the proposal.

In conclusion, this argument is not persuasive or logically sound; however, it can be improved if the argument can provide more evidence to prove that with small portion of employees participate, the company can not achieve benefits, that Nadir Company can be analogized to that Summit Company to predict the outcome of the adoption in Nadir Company, and that the proposal about concentrating on extensive training is effective in achieving the ultimate goal of increasing company's productivity.

逻辑比较混乱
应该：
第一段，Summit也许本身就不适合大规模参加
第二段，Summit和Nadir未必适用于同一套方法
第三段，Summit也许未必适用extensive training


谢谢老师的修改，给了我很大的帮助， 现在比起以前我自己瞎写的时候有了很多的启发！！

lyslj001

啊老师一定是改gmat作文么？ 比如托福作文什么滴可不可以呢..

lqz0927

“一个好的论证应该层层递进，比如先说一点，再说即使这一点成立，还有什么问题，最后再说如果作者要断定xx，必须还要保证xxxx。总之，给人一种循序渐进，把思维的漏洞一点一点得关上。”
很有启发~~~

dearinga

请帮忙看看：
Argument:
TakeHeart add new recreational facilities to get competitive advantages
The following appeared as part of a business plan created by the management of the Take Heart Fitness Center:
“After opening the new swimming pool early last summer, Take Heart saw a 12 percent increase in the use of the center by its members. Therefore, in order to increase membership in Take Heart, we should continue to add new recreational facilities in subsequent years: for example, a multipurpose game room, a tennis court, and a miniature golf course. Being the only center in the area offering this range of activities would give us a competitive advantage in the health and recreation market.”
Discuss how well reasoned … etc.

my work:
In this argument, the author concludes that they should continue to invest on new recreational facilities in the following years to optimize the takeheart business. He points out that the new swimming pool opened last summer might lead to the 12% increase of membership directly/indirectly. In addition, the author reasons that takeheart center will be the unique center which offers  recreational activities in the area—a quite obvious strength in the competitive market. While this argument appears to have some merits at the first glance, it suffers some critical flaws that seriously undermine the conclusion after close scrutiny of evidence, and accordingly is not thoroughly well-reasoned.
In the first place, The author argues that the 12% rise of club members relies on the unproved cause and effect relationship between new opened facilities(swimming pool ) and the approach to attract new members. However, the mere factor that the establishment of new recreational infrastructure is somewhat correlated with the growth of membership is insufficient to establish a causual relationship between two. For example, it might be so hot that residents in this area alternated to swim last summer; or other swimming pools were under reconstruction that people all poured into takeheart. Good service and cost-effective membership fee would be another key factor to attract new members.
In the second place, the author’s reasoning assumes that the favor of new recreation facilities will remain unchanged from last year to the subsequent years. Yet ,a lot of change may have taken place in the future. Investment on new facilities refers to both fund and time. It is likely that takeheart takes 1-3 years to finish all the establishments then realize that they are not attractive anymore.
In the third place, as a business plan, it is a must to have a breakeven analysis and maintain the profit.  The evidence that “Last year, 12% increase”  is far away from sufficient. Membership fee, service are 2 extra factors have a strong influence to recruit more customers.  In a competitive circumstance, some price-sensitive customers will join other center’s due to its lower membership fee or coupon. A large customers base does not always  means excellent profit.  The maintenance cost of all the facilities is nonobvious but shocking in some cases, eroding profit as well. The author should take them into consideration.
To sum up, The author’s claim is not completely convincing. To make this argument more tenable, the author must do extra customer demand survey or market research to clarify the real customer needs and competitor dynamics; he should plan to have multiple approach and show in the business plan like market promotion. Besides, he also needs to do a meticulous finance analysis and evaluates all the influence factors before the huge investment.

请指教， 谢谢！