即日起开始无限制帮各位修改作文

rio

本人考过托福GMAT也教过托福，读过MBA，想趁闲暇之余回馈一下CD，即日起帮各位考生修改作文。大家把写好的作文发到rioxn(A) hotmail.com。保证一星期内修改完毕，并且贴在这个贴子里和大家分享。

字数不足300的不修改
完全套用模板的不修改
自己没有spell check的不修改




如果你还在纠结什么才是复习写作的最好方法，那么开始动手吧，写第一篇文章就是最好的方法。

缺月挂疏桐

Question:
The following appeared in a memorandum from the marketing department of a children’s clothing manufacturer:
“Our HuggyBunny brand is the bestselling brand of children’s clothing.  arents everywhere recognize the HuggyBunny logo as a mark of quality, and most of our customers show great brand loyalty.  Sales reports have shown that parents are more likely to buy children’s clothes with the familiar HuggyBunny brand and logo than otherwise identical clothes without it. Therefore, if we use the HuggyBunny brand name and logo for the new line of clothing for teenagers that our company will soon be introducing, that clothing will sell better than it would if we labeled it with a new brand name and logo.”

?Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

MY WORK:

The author of the argument advices the manufacturer to use the Huggy Bunny brand name and logo for its new line of clothing for teenagers to ensure large sales for the reason that this brand has shared great reputation among the market of children 's clothing and has remained a large base of loyal customers. though at first glance, the reason seems plausible, but after considering it carefully, you can find that the argument is seriously flawed for it forgets to consider some very important factors.

Firstly, the author tries to apply what he or she observes in the children’s clothing market to the teenager's clothing market, a totally different market from the former one. There is no doubt that they share a distinctive customer base. Since the specific brand is the bestselling brand of only children 's clothing, the parents whose children are teenagers may not be familiar with the brand, and thus the expectation that using the same brand will boot the sales of the new line of teenager's clothing might not work at all.

Secondly, the argument cited the sales reports to say that provided with the identical children 's clothes, the parents are more likely to choose the clothes with  Huggy Bunny brand and logo, Since there is no more information about the sales reports, we might suspect the validity of it: is it fully representative if the parents it interviewed are limited only within a certain district? Or does it cover the sufficient number of parents interviewed to ensure the outcome is not an accident event? If the reports proved false ,it may not serve as a evidence for the parents' preference for the certain brand. Besides, even though the sales reports proved to be ture, the parents involved are just more likely to buy children' s clothing, whether they will do so when choosing the teenagers' clothing cannot be drawn out of this evidence.

In clonclusion, we could see that since the argument made a false analogy between two different markets and falsely assumed that they are the same, the argument is seriously flawed. To strengthen the it, the author needs to state more simlilarities between the children's clothing market and the teenagers' clothing market to justify his or her analogy. Besides, the author should say more about the details of the sales reports to prove its validity. Only in this way does this argument look more convincing than it previously did.  

感觉思路还是有点乱。。而且攻击的点好像不多。。求大牛拍。。谢谢~

毛毛carina

顶斑竹～

dudley8888

这个好~

cyuyolanda

. The following appeared as part of an article in the education section of a Waymarsh City newspaper.
“Throughout the last two decades, those who earned graduate degrees found it very difficult to get jobs teaching their academic specialties at the college level. Those with graduate degrees from Waymarsh University had an especially hard time finding such jobs. But better times are coming in the next decade for all academic job seekers, including those from Waymarsh. Demographic trends indicate that an increasing number of people will be reaching college age over the next ten years; consequently, we can expect that the job market will improve dramatically for people seeking college-level teaching positions in their fields.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.


      In this argument the newspaper predicts that graduates who are seeking teaching positions will find it easier to get employed in the near future. To support this argument, the author points out a demographic increase of college-aged students in the following decade. With incresing number of students attending college, the author assumes that college teachers are in great need. As a result, more academic-related jobs are available for job seekers and the difficult situation to find jobs will be improved. At first glance, the author’s conclusion seems convincing, but with a closer examination, we can see how groundless it is. The argument is problematic for the following flaws.
       First of all, as the number of college-aged juveniles increases, the author concludes that colleges and universities will urge to recruit more teachers to instruct them. However, in no case can this mere fact be cited as an evidence to support the assumption that there is a causal relationship between this demographic increase and the recruitment of new teachers into universities. No evidence provided shows that colleges will consequently take in more students in the next decade than at this moment. It is likely that the universities will not change their admission number because they are unable to afford higher costs to meet the equipment requirements of more students. Even if we grant the preceding assumption that more students will be enrolled, there is no guarantee that new instructors are in need. If the teacher-student ratio rises from one to twenty to one to thirty, the same number of teachers can still handle this situation by adding more students in a class. If this is the case, no positions are created. Consequently, the situation that the graduate students are having a difficult time finding jobs can no way be improved.
      Secondly, the author gratuitously assumes that most college-aged young people will choose to pursue a degree in colleges. No evidence provided by the arguer that the students all aim at attending college when they reach that age. It might turn out that a large number of college-aged people choose to directly enter the work force. Thus the college enrollment will nearly stay constant and the universities have no reasons to change their recruiting plan.
       Last but not least, the author does not provide any clue of the current job market condition in the field of teaching positions. The market might has reached saturation, that is to say, it will always be hard to be a member of the faculty in universities because the supply is many times higher than the demand. As a result, even if there is a slight increase in the demand of instructors, the situation will not alter much.
      To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in  
the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author claims. To make the argument more convincing concerning the better job situation for graduates seeking college-level teaching positions, the arguer would have to provide the information that among college-aged students, most of them are expecting to pursue a college degree. The arguer should also demonstrate that universities will certainly employ more teachers to face the demographic boom and that the competition in job market is not extremely fierce to make this argument logically acceptable.  



Rio的修改意见：
两头太大,中间的内容比较短,最好的结构应该是首尾一长一短，都长或者都短不太好。
漏掉一个论点: But better times are coming in the next decade for all academic job seekers, including those from Waymarsh.你应该质疑的是waymarsh就业不好也许是他们学校的问题，而不是市场的问题。类似的flaw很好找，方法是认真批判题目的每一句话。
我给4-4.5分。继续努力。

试着两句合成一句，4.5分的作文和5分的作文差别就在于能不能把中心意思在第一句表达清楚。
This argument is weak and vague. 作者说了in the past decades the job markets were weak.
试着把这一段缩短到100字。




感谢~继续加油。。还有20天

rio

楼上的最好是贴附件，不然很多tracking changes都看不到

rio

发到邮箱里吧rioxn(A) hotmail.com

261027078

The following appeared in a memorandum from the owner of carlo’s Clothing to the staff.
“Since disc Depot, the music store on the nest block, began a new radio advertising campaign last year, its business has grown dramatically, as evidenced by the large increase in foot traffic into the store. While the Disc Depot’s owners have apparently become wealthy enough to retire, profits at Carlo’s Clothing have remained stagnant for the past three years. In order to boost our sales and profts, we should therefore switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot.”


In this argument, the arguer concludes that in order to boost the sales and profits of Carlo's Clothing, the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot. i cannot agree with it for the following reasons.

First, it goes without saying that the arguer makes the hasty-generalization fallacy. The arguer assumes that the business of Disc Depot has grown due to its new radio advertising campaign. This assumption is questionable because it overlooks some factors that may explain the increase in business. For example, the economic has been booming since last year, bring more leisure time and extra money for people to have some entertainment. It is the increase in economy that causes the great profits of Disc Depot. Or the Disc Depot has increased its quality of CDs and introduced more types of music videos, causing the increase in foot traffic into the store. Obviously, the arguer has drawn to the conclusion too rashly due to ignorance of other factors such as other changes of the Disco Depot.

The second problem is that the arguer makes the fallacy of faulty analogy, The arguer implies that same method that brought increase in profits of a music store will applies to a cloth store. However, common sense tells that this assumption is problematic. We cannot neglect some essential differences that make the comparison nonsense. For instance, people who like to listen to music usually like to listen to the radio as well. They often turn on radios to find out good music. Consequently, advertisements about music do impact them. In contrast, advertisements about cloth may not be that attractive because those who often listen to the radio may not care much about cloth. Thus, unless the arguer can prove that radio advertisements about cloth will cause the same effect as those about music, the argument is unwarranted and unjustified.

Third, Implicit in this argument is the thought that Carlo will boost its slaes and profits once they switch to frequent radio advertisements. However, this assumption is groundless because the author ignores the fact that Carlo’s stagnant business might be due to other factors such as internal management and quality of services. For example, Ineffective management,may cause excessive costs and thus impede Carlo’s profits . Consequently, the conclusion is much weakened because the situation of Carlo will not improve even if a new kind of advertisement is adopted.
In sum, the argument is not that valid as it stands. Accordingly, it is premature for the arguer to conclude that the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot to stimulate sales and profits. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more information to show that the success of Disc Depot is due to the radio advertising campaign, and demonstrate that the same radio advertising campaign will guarantee the success of Carlo’s Clothing. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than an emotional appeal.

以上是RIO版主帮我修改过的文章，非常感谢，原来的文章（RIO评分4.5）我也贴上。
In this argument, the arguer concludes that in order to boost the sales and profits of Carlo's Clothing, the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot. To support this conclusion, the arguer points out several reasons. First of all, the arguer states that the music store, Disc Depot, has increased its business and profits since it began a new radio advertising campaign last year. Moreover, the arguer claims that profits of Carlo's Clothing have remained the same for the past three years while the music store has made a lot of profits. Thereby, the arguer jumps to the conclusion that Carlo's Clothing should advertise on radios. At first glance, the argument seems somehow convincing, but further reflection tells me that this conclusion is based on some dubious assumption and is biased due to the inadequacy of evidence cited. Thus, i cannot agree with it for the following reasons.

First, it goes without saying that the arguer makes the hasty-generalization fallacy. The arguer assumes that the business of Disc Depot has grown due to its new radio advertising campaign. This assumption is questionable because it overlooks some factors that may explain the increase in business. For example, the economic has been booming since last year, bring more leisure time and extra money for people to have some entertainment. It is the increase in economy that causes the great profits of Disc Depot. Or the Disc Depot has increased its quality of CDs and introduced more types of music videos, causing the increase in foot traffic into the store. Obviously, the arguer has drawn to the conclusion too rashly due to ignorance of other factors such as other changes of the Disco Depot.

The second problem is that the arguer makes the fallacy of faulty analogy, The arguer implies that same method that brought increase in profits of a music store will applies to a cloth store. However, common sense tells me that this assumption is problematic. We can not neglect some essential differences that make the comparison nonsense. For instance, people who like to listen to music usually like to listen to the radio as well. They often turn on radios to find out good music. Consequently, advertisements about music do impact them. In contrast, advertisements about cloth may not be that attractive because those who often listen to the radio may not care much about cloth. Thus, unless the arguer can prove that radio advertisements about cloth will cause the same effect as those about music, the argument is unwarranted and unjustified.

In sum, the argument is not that valid as it stands. Accordingly, it is premature for the arguer to conclude that the store should switch from newspaper advertising to frequent radio advertisements like those for Disc Depot to stimulate sales and profits. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more information to show that the success of Disc Depot is due to the radio advertising campaign. In addition, to justify the argument, the arguer should provide concrete evidence to demonstrate that the same radio advertising campaign will guarantee the success of Carlo’s Clothing. Only with more convincing evidence could this argument become more than an emotional appeal.

眷恋花香

谢谢老师帮忙修改！只用了两天就收到回复了！ 这是老师给的修改建议，刚刚收到，还没有重写。
附上附件。
44. The following is part of a business plan created by the management of the Megamart grocery store.
“Our total sales have increased this year by 20 percent since we added a pharmacy section to our grocery store. Clearly, the customer’s main concern is the convenience afforded by one-stop shopping. The surest way to increase our profits over the next couple of years, therefore, is to add a clothing department along with an automotive supplies and repair shop. We should also plan to continue adding new departments and services, such as a restaurant and a garden shop, in subsequent years. Being the only store in the area that offers such a range of services will give us a competitive advantage over other local stores.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.

In the argument the management of the Megamart grocery store gives some suggestions to increase profits of the store. It states that because the store added a pharmacy section, the revenue of the store increased and thus recommends the store to add a clothing department along with an automotive supplies and repair shop to satisfy customers' one-stop shopping concern. Then it further suggests that the store continue adding new departments and services to make it more competitive. This argument is not convincing for it suffers from several critical flaws.[这一段写的不错]

Firstly, the management takes it for granted that the increase of revenue comes from the adding of a pharmacy section of the grocery store, but it falls into a fallacy that because the increase and the adding occurs simultaneously, one must has caused the other. No evidence has been showed in this argument to prove the department's statement. Only the coincidence of the two things is not persuasive. The department manager should compare its revenue growth from respective product lines so as to identify the actual contribution of pharmacy.

Secondly, the management has failed to take other factors into consideration.[这一句写的不好，因为太万能了，太万能的句子其实是万万不能。建议是：把other factors具体化，比如profit and cost…] According to the unclearly proved assumption that the customer's main concern is the convenience afforded by one-stop shopping in this argument, the management concludes that the best way to increase profits is to set up a clothing department with automotive supplies and repair shop. As we all know that profits come from the difference between revenue and cost. Solely increase the revenue can bring more profits only when the cost has not increased. Moreover, the other way to increase is to decrease the cost. Thus the management's reasoning and suggestion are questionable.

Thirdly, the management's proposal to add new departments and services is problematic as well. More departments and services will take up a part of finance and resources used for old departments and services therefore may do harm to the whole grocery store. Even the solution can be useful, other local stores may copy the patten and thus make the competitive advantage of the Megamart grocery store disappear.[这一段的论证比较勉强。应该说的是，作者做了一个错误的类比，即把pharmacy的成功推广到“开一家成功一家”，但实际上不同行业在当地可能状况完全不同，也许他附近只有这一家药店呢，也许附近已经有很多家修车店呢。]

Therefore, the management 's line of reasoning and suggestion are not compelling. To strengthen the argument, the management would have to further demonstrate that the adding of the pharmacy has indeed caused the increase of revenue, that the cost of the grocery store in the next several years will not increase, that the new departments and services will bring more benefits than loss, and that competitors will not copy the solution.

整体来说，基本功不错，但是论证比较混乱。一个好的论证应该层层递进，比如先说一点，再说即使这一点成立，还有什么问题，最后再说如果作者要断定xx，必须还要保证xxxx。总之，给人一种循序渐进，把思维的漏洞一点一点得关上。
5分。

soooooohot

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