作文啊，我来啦

sunflowerclan

5号独立 求狠批啊，几天没写手生了，逻辑混乱啊
Wonderful as having no difference with other, which might enable one to get a pleasant relationship and a happy life, but the truth is that the key to succeed is to chase for his own dream from the beginning to the end persistently, not to copy other behaviors aimlessly. Therefore, I strongly believed that if one are eager to achieve success, he should be different from everybody else .


To begin with, differences of people make the way to success so different from others. Common sense tells that "Two leaves are not exactly the same to each other in the world."Everybody has different characteristic and distinctive dream and goal for life. Some people want to be a famous scientist, others aim to be a billionaire. Therefore, everyone has his own way to attain their success. The experience of one of my school-fellow, Jerry, will perfectly illustrate this point. Although it is universally accepted that learning knowledge is the way for students to succeed .Unfortunately, Jerry is not good at learning. But he had a deep interested in participating the activities, especially the internship. As we were taking courses aimlessly in the
university, Jerry was doing his internship in 4S Fengtian. Some of my classmate even looked down on Jerry because of his poor score in the exam and his own way of living. Surprisingly, three years later Jerry is the first students to find a decent and high salary job in Land Rover. If we admit that finding a good job is a success for a weak student, we can safely drew the conclusion that it is because Jerry choose his own way that make his succeed. In order to success, people must clearly recognize himself and take this own way to success.


Moreover, Every success must firmly carry out his plan, which require him to be different from others.."Throughout the history, most successful people must have a strong willing to control desires, a applicable plan to attain success and follow his/ her own plan carefully and rigidly. As Abraham Lincoln once said" I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back. Although some success might not be brilliant person but they must carry out their plan step by step persistently. One of Founding Father of United States -Benjamin Franklin is such a person. When people are sleeping in the comfortable bed , he is still go on working till late in the night. When people were eating their delicious dinner, he is still wandering in the world of books. When people are having under the care of parent, he has already established his own business. Everybody who clearly follow his own way and firmly keep his own plan will easily achieve his ultimate and definitely get success inevitably.


All in all, because the different characteristic and diverse plan to get success. Everybody must be different from others .

brace1016

我改你的5号的作文。改完贴上哦。

brace1016

Wonderful as having no difference with other, which might enable one to get a pleasant relationship and a happy life, but the truth is that the key to succeed is to chase for his(one’s) own dream from the beginning to the end persistently, not to copy other behaviors aimlessly. Therefore, I strongly believed that if one are(is) eager to achieve success, he should be different from everybody(anyone) else.











To begin with, differences of（in）people make the way to success so different from others. (这句话什么意思？是想表达人们的不同使成功的通途不同吗？感觉很别扭哦)





Common sense tells us that "Two leaves are not exactly the same to each other in the world."Everybody has different characteristic and distinctive（用名词哦distinction）dream and goal for life（感觉这里有歧义，每个人有不同的个性和性格。但是后面的dream and goal for life 想表达什么。And的作用是并列关系哦，并列的东西要有可并性哦。Characteristic 和dream 没有可并性）. Some people want to be a famous scientist; others aim to be a billionaire. Therefore, everyone has his own way to attain their（代词乱用。删掉their吧） success. The experience of one of（删掉哦，不让你后面要加复数的了）my school-fellow, Jerry, will perfectly illustrate this point. Although（删掉，不然就是run-on 的句子了。只有从句，没有主句的句子不完整。） it is universally accepted that learning knowledge is the way for students to succeed .Unfortunately, Jerry is not good at learning. But he had a deep interested in participatingactivities, especially the internship. （亲爱的，实习也是学习的一种吧。你把你的同学例子改下哦，不然逻辑上说不过去哦。我的意见是academic study and internship 都是获得知识的方式哦。你可以把那个although的句子改改哦。）As we were taking courses aimlessly in the university, Jerry was doing his internship in 4S Fengtian. Some of my classmate even looked down on Jerry because of his poor score in the exam and his own way of living. Surprisingly, three years later Jerry is the first students to find a decent and high salary job in Land Rover. If we admit that finding a good job is a success for a weak student, we can safely drew(draw) the conclusion that it is because Jerry choose his own way that make his succeed. In order to success, people must clearly recognize himself and take this own way to success.（这段例子写的很好，就是对前面的中心句写的逻辑不够严谨。可以换个说法写下了前面的论述。）











Moreover, every success must firmly carry out his plan, which require him to be different from others.（中心句的意思真心不懂。主语是every success，谓语是carry out his plan 不符合逻辑表达哦。你想说的意思是每个人得成功必须要实行他的计划吗？）"Throughout the history, most successful people must（去掉吧，太绝对了） have a strong willing to control desires, a applicable plan to attain success and follow his/ her own plan carefully and rigidly.（绿色的是什么意思。在这里是什么成分呢。） As Abraham Lincoln once said"（林肯的话是那些呢？这里真的很乱哦。） I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back. Although some success might not be brilliant person but they must carry out their plan step by step persistently. One of Founding Father of United States -Benjamin Franklin is such a person. When people are sleeping in the comfortable bed, he is still go（删掉哦）on working till late in the night. When people were eating their delicious dinner, he is still wandering in the world of books. When people are having under the care of parent, he has already established his own business. Everybody who clearly follow his own way and firmly keep his own plan will easily achieve his ultimate and definitely get success inevitably.（例子写得好，但是对中心句的支撑不到位。好好把前面的论述内容改改哦。）











All in all, because the different characteristic and diverse plan to get success. Everybody must be different from others.











感觉你对论点的把握还不够哦。就是你每段的开头句子是中心句，直接把你的观点抛出来。要明确且到位的阐述哦。作文是改了才能提高的哦。写完之后自己再琢磨句子表达啦，逻辑意思啦，再想想怎么才能做到地道的写出好句子。加油哦。

Rainbamboo666

举例、讲故事，两段式的boby段居然能写这么长