1.27一战，才开始练作文，真心求教，CoopeR的作文贴，求共同进步！

lizchang1990

The great （这个词建议换higher）education is like a scarce green rose in the garden, everyone yarn to pick it up.(哈哈，很不错，学以致用~) Everyone wants to absorb lore from the famous professors just because the old and experienced person could import the（你这个the不觉得没完么？） so much certain knowledge to them . (注意大写哦)nowadays ,there is growing concern(地道) about a university professor should focus time on doing research or educating .（大小写,From） for my prospective , paying a attention on education is the most crucial mission for professor . In this essay , I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate it.


First of all, Only the youth could be the future of the nations . It is undeniable that the famous professor will play a significant role in some certain research, however, the talent juveniles ,（去掉逗号）whose protential （potential）capability will make them to perform the brilliant subjects researching or developing . (接下来的开头大写问题我不列了阿，有点多，注意细节哦)for instance , Bill Gates , the CEO of Mircosoft , who show his innate ability in software development field when he was 12. He could the accomplish (你could后面连个动词都没有哦，去掉the就OK)the complicated routines on his own ,those effort may cost a ten-people software team to done well. By the time files Gates became one of most famous entrepreneurs who could spush(??) the economic construction in Unite states, so if the professors in the university could focus on how could select those geniuses in the certain field , they will cultivate more 'Bill Gates' for the nations. On no account can we ignore the importance of geniuses （？？）educations.

(你这个论证不是很有力，前面说盖茨是Innate的，感觉人家不需要老师教，你这个例子就有点偏，建议编句话扭转把，说某某热心指导盖茨把。还有建议就是你第一句能把整段的观点点名更好，你貌似没有做到。)


Moreover , there is(another哦) other story to testify my statements , not one illustrating the talent and the future , but one showing the subtlety(你要表达心细么?这个词有偏差哦) of professor’s guidance for students . When there are some plights occur on certain subject(后面的researching去掉吧) researching, students will always be confused and feel no way to go through next step. if this moment the professors won’t assist their students by a correct theory revising . that is harmful for the students : they have no choice but spend more time to correct the mistake via taking the whole daytime in the library or summarizing the good experience after failing over and over again , all of this painful effort could only be replaced by professors warmest guidance . why not to do such the ‘piece of cake’ effort for students ?


Finally , on road of researching , sometimes the students needs a exemplary （这个表达好中式，就example吧,后面的Model也去掉）model . This model will not only show their unbelievable flair on certain researching but also represent the attitude towards the science . As we known , the young people will show their own talent on what they research , but the problem is sometimes they cannot be patient or calm when they confront the failure , this will result in a reckless habit for their research . However , the professors , (不要乱短句哦)could be the optimistic model ,showing more exemplary behavior on researching in order to tell the students just keep going by right attitude . In this sense , for the education , professor’s effort can not be neglected.


From what has been discussed above , we may safely draw the conclusion that the students education cannot going without professor’s focus . Although the certain research is more important for the professor even for the subject , there is no way to overlook the education’s meaning for the nations.

(你这个结尾偏题了,其实topic要说的就是,prf.是安心教书呢?还是做research,你说成教授的作用必不可少了,自己体味下哦~)



总评: 你词汇不错, 字数也够冲30分,当然前提是30分钟内, 但句子还是存在些许问题, 最大的问题就是没事丢逗号出来断句,通篇都很普遍. 且开头大小写忽略,小细节要注意哦~~~









The reading and lecture both discuss the whether should replace the 5-day working for employees by(with) 4-day working .the reading passage gives credence to the claim that it will benefit both employees and the company , the professor provides evidences contrary(contradict好) to this assertion.


It is mention in the passage that the shorten workweek could increase the profit of the company . The professor ,however, declares that it will spent more for company if use 4-days working.:Add more workers means there must be more training ,more office and more computers . that will cost so much for the company.(跟上面同样的开头大小写问题我就不一一指出了,自己检查哦~很多)


The next view made by the reading is that the 4-days work will reduce the unemployment rate .But the professor demurs(看得出你做了功课的,很不错耶) about his idea, according to him, the 4-day work will make a lot of job unavailable for people .sometimes the company will ask the employees to finish the work by overtime . if that happens , the company will take more expectation on require the employee who can finish the 5-days workload in 4 days. If not ,the overtime will be taken.


Finally , to counter the assertion that the employee will get more free time to improve their life’s quality. The professor claims that it will take a risk for the 4-days workers ,because 4-days work will limit their capability of work . it’s harmful for their career . the 4-days work will lost job easier than the 5-days while company wish to hire the 5-days workers because they will bring more for the company .


In conclusion, the reading strongly believes that 4-days work will benefit the individuals and the company ; however , the professor refutes these evidences and provides her own proofs of this very fact.

综合不错,把大小写毛病改下吧,有点严重影响你分数的~

cooperdw

The reading and lecture both discuss the whether the team in the company will take more advantages than the individuals . The reading passage gives credence to the claim that holding a team for project will benefit the team members and team meanwhile , the professor provides evidence contrary to this assertion.
It is mention in the passage that a team means wider range of knowledge ,expertise , skills than single individual . A great number of resources the team members will be possessed . Owing to that the team will give a rapider response to project . The professor , however, declares that not every team member will contribute their capability , some one even are the free-rider. Somehow , thanks to those working-hard people , the Well-done reward will entitle the team. For this point , different team members express their different attitudes . As a result this is unfair for the teammember who gave more contribution.
The next view , made by the reading is that , the them would provide more creative solution for the problem.and team could make the risky decision that individual cannot undertake .But professor demurs about this idea . According to him , the team may decide the decision so quickly because it will take long to make the ideas coincident .Furthermore, his gave a example as two mangers to discuss the project , one of them think about the project they never work before , so they decide to drop and try other way , this will cost so much time.
Finally, to counter the assertion that the group could be very rewarding for the members of the team . and team member has a much better chance to ‘shine’.the professor claims that when the reward for group coming ,the contribution of team member were easily ignored .On the contrary , if the team fail in the project , all the group will be blamed even someone doing well for their part.
In conclusion , the reading strongly believes that the team will take more advantages than the individual ; however , the professor refutes these evidences and provides his own proofs of this very fact.

cooperdw

In the modern period , there are a lot of ways to know the knowledge from variety of medias. Nowadays,there is growing concern about which medias is the best choice for people learning , watching television or reading books .For my perspective , reading will take more advantages . In this essay , I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reason to demonstrate it.
First of all , We could earn the specific and systematic lore by reading . For instance, date back to our school time , our subjects reference materials like mathematic books , chemistry books and so on . Those books show us the detail of some formats , formulas ,and principles , and after the descriptions of this there must have some practical example to make us more clear concerning corresponding knowledge . By the time we face the exam , it is efficient to read the specific portion which we learned in past. So on no account we could ignore the systematic and certain knowledge imparting from the books.
Moreover , there is another story to testify my hypothesis , not on illustrating the specific context in the book , but one showing the subtlety of lower consumption. As we known , The reading materials , apart from the Ipad and some kinds of electric equipements for reading . The papar-made books only will cost a few money to possess them . Let’s make the investigation on the price of assorted kind of books :A English dictionary , may cost 70 RMB , A Novel which edited by famous editer , 30 RMB , A journal concerning scientific content , 15 RMB. As we could see , those cost are extremely low for people , most everyone could afford that in order to learn more from on the contrary , it is obvious that the cost of television leave much to be desired.
Last but not least , Learn the things by reading will undeniable cultivate our method of reading . in other word , How to read . For this part , I guess so many the reader have their own experience :
Neglect the secondary information and focus on the main point . other one may figure out what is book saying by reverse style , beginning at the end of book then finishing at the preface of it. Somehow , whatever methods the people use , it will be the capability for themselves to ramp up the efficiency of reading. In this sense , The TV would unable to improve any ability of us .
From what has been discussed above , we may safely draw the conclusion that We could regard reading as the best method for us to learn more . Although the TV could show us fruitful and abundant informations , it is evitable that the books would able to play the significant role in our studying.

xiumu2280

TPO 2
Thereading and lecture both discuss the whether the team in the company will take moreadvantages than the individuals(individual) . The reading passage gives credence to theclaim that holding a team for project will benefit the team members and teammeanwhile(meanwhile用在最后？我是感觉有点别扭) , the professor provides evidence+s contrary(contradict)to this assertion.(开头有点复杂，不用说这么明确吧)
It is mention (is mentioned) in the passage that a team means wider rangeof knowledge ,expertise , skills than single individual(完全重复article写上去的话没什么意义) . A great number of resources the team members +owned will be possessed . Owing to that the teamwill give a rapider response to project. The professor , however, declares thatnot every team member will contribute their capability +fully, some one even are(is) the free-rider. Somehow , thanks to thoseworking-hard people , the Well-done reward will entitle the team. For thispoint , different team members express their different attitudes . As a resultthis is unfair for the teammember who gave more contribution.
The next view , made by the reading is that , the them(team)would provide more creative solution+s for the problem(project).and team could make the risky decision thatindividual cannot undertake .But professor demurs about this idea . Accordingto him , the team may decide the decision so quickly(文中是说theproject do not move quickly) becauseit will take long(+time) to make the ideas coincident .Furthermore, his(he)gave a example as two mangers to discuss theproject , one of them think about the project they never work before , so theydecide to drop and try other way , this will cost so much time.（没有twomangers的例子）
Finally, to counter the assertion that thegroup could be very rewarding for the members of the team .（，） and team member has a much better chance to‘shine’. the(The) professorclaims that when the reward for group coming ,the contribution of team memberwere easily ignored .On the contrary , if the team fail in the project , allthe group will be blamed even someone doing well for their part.(还是听力问题，不是说的这个意思)
In conclusion , the reading strongly believesthat the team will take more advantages than the individual ; however , theprofessor refutes these evidences and provides his own proofs of this veryfact.（一般情况是没时间写结尾的，而且也不用）

字数太多，时间是个大问题。
而且对reading介绍比较多。一句话带过，甚至不提即可。
听力也是个大问题。标点也不够规范，感觉写的时候似乎很着急。
建议研究下OG上的范文，整体感觉有点跑偏。

xiumu2280

In themodern period, there are a lot of ways to know(GET) the knowledge from variety ofmedias（似乎是不可数）. Nowadays, there is growing concern about whichmedias is the best choice for people learning（tolearn或者people’s learn） ,watching television or reading books .For my perspective , reading will takemore advantages . In this essay , I will analyze this issue and come up withsome effective reason+s to demonstrate it.

First of all , We could earn the specific andsystematic lore by reading . For instance, date back to our（不要用our,用my） school time , our subjects reference materialslike mathematic books , chemistry books and so on . Those books show us thedetail of some formats(?想表达什么) , formulas ,and principles , and after thedescriptions of this there must have some practical example+s to make us more clear concerning correspondingknowledge . By the time we face the exam , it is efficient to read the specificportion（想用词汇很好，但是这个一般用指财产，简单的part也不错） which we learned in past. So, on no account we could ignore the systematicand certain knowledge imparting from the books.

Moreover , there is another story to testify myhypothesis , not on(not only) illustrating the specific context in the book, butone(but also) showingthe subtlety of lower consumption. As we known , The reading materials , apartfrom the Ipad and some kinds of electric equipements(去掉S) for reading . The papar-made books only willcost a few money to possess them . Let’s make the investigation on the price ofassorted kind of books :A（an） English dictionary , may cost 70 RMB（CNY这是正确表示，老外看到RMB会蛋碎的） , A Novel which edited by famous editer（editor）, 30 RMB , A journal concerning scientific content, 15 RMB. As we could see, those cost are extremely low for people , mosteveryone(most of people) couldafford that in order to learn more from(.加句话) onthe contrary(这个？还是少个标点？) , it is obvious that the cost of televisionleave much to be desired.

Last but not least , Learn the things byreading will undeniable(undeniably)cultivate our method of reading . in other word, How to read . For this part , I guess so many the reader have their ownexperience : Neglect thesecondary information and focus on the main point . otherone（others） may figure out what is book saying by reversestyle , beginning at the end of book then finishing at the preface of it.Somehow , whatever methods the people use , it will be the capability forthemselves to ramp up the efficiency of reading. In this sense , The TV wouldunable to improve any ability of us .(这段的观点欠完善，开始说通过阅读学习可以培养我们的阅读方法。不要说成阅读方法，说成学习方法就好了)

From what has been discussed above , we maysafely draw the conclusion that We could regard reading as the best method forus to learn more . Although the TV could show us fruitful and abundant informations（不可数） , it is evitable（这个单词的意思是可避免的,应该加个not） that the books would able to play thesignificant role in our studying.
还是标点问题，标准的是 XXX,(空格)XXX
还有大小写问题，太严重了。
写完之后可以自己检查一下这些小错，自己查出来，永远比别人找出来记得牢。
加油，多积累，多学习。

cooperdw

The greatest occupation in the world is teacher ,they are the soul conductor of our life trip .Nowaday ,there is growing concern about to increase the teachers’ salary for quality of education .for my perspective ,that statement is absolutely ridiculous .In this essay ,I will analyze the issue and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate it.
First of all ,Although the school could pay more money for teachers ,the students’ motivation for study still be the same .The salary increasing have no directive relation with students’ attitude ,even the passion of teachers’ work could be ramped up .The students ,however ,the best one still love to study and keep the best work in the class .the worst guys always treats their school work as the past .In this sense ,the quality of education cannot be improved by increasing the teahcers’ salaries.
Moreover ,there is another story to testify my hypothesis .It’s reasonable for teacher to thrive themselves for salaries rising ,Somehow on no account can we ignore the importance of students’ capability of adapting themselves to tension .Some teacher will indicate their motivation for work via increase the students’ workload of study .For instance ,Mr.Peter is a English teacher ,and he only assign a little homeworks to students .and so many students intent to select his English course at the beginning of the semester ,but after school decides to increase the Peter’s payment for his huge contribution for education .Peter considers that he must pay more focus on students’ cultivation in order to repay the school .Therefore from that moment ,Peter tries to assign more homeworks than past he did ,as a result , no one wishes to choose his class next semester .this story tell us even though the teacher’s salary be rose ,there is less affect on students’ education.
Finally ,the skill of how to activate the students’ motivation for study is at the heart of education .Some teacher gets the high payment but will not ramp up their capability of teaching .They still stays in the former criteria ,some teachers may thrive as much as they can but some one regards ‘stability’ as their tenet for the education ,they will do nothing but keep same pace like time before they gets high salary ,those behavior will arouse other teachers’ resent .

Given all these carefully analysis I mentioned above ,I firmly believe that increasing the teachers’ salary for high-quality education leave much to be desired .Although rising the payment for teacher could arouse their positivity for work ,the question of how to transfer the attitude of students plays the significant role in education.

cooperdw

The high-technique equipments like computer and intelligent phone are the miracles which could make our life more fruitful and vibrant .Nowadays , there is a growing concern about it is better to work with your own computer and cell phone at home than work in the office ,for my perspective ,using those equipments in your home is more reasonable choice . In the essay ,I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reason to demonstrate it .

First of all ,we need to protect the personal information from the public place ,it is unwise to connect your own computer or cell phone with the office network ,because someone else may slips into your disk without noticing you and copies some important documents that you don’t want to share .For example ,one day there is business man uses his own computer and communicates with customer for some commercial contract in the company ,unfortunately his opponent colleague connects with his computer and eavesdrop their conversation and key information .As a result ,that business lost his contract without any reason .In that case on no account can we ignore the importance of using those equipments at home .

Moreover ,there is another story to testify my hypothesis ,not one illustrating the private factor ,but one showing the subtlety of authority for application .In general , some enterprise will constrict the certain right for employee’s application , for example ,they regards the MSN, facebook and twitter as the biggest obstacle which could distract the employees’ attention from their work ,so you may not to use those softwares to fill what you want in the company .On the contrary of that , you could enjoy those apps anywhere in your home ,No one will say negative to you ,No one will stop you traveling online . In this sense , using those ‘miracle’ in your home poses a great benefit to ours .

Admittedly ,using the computer which provided by company will be more efficient for your works. For instance ,a telecommunication product provider (TPP) will employ the engineer with some specific skills and certain capability to operate the unique application which was devised by the company itself .that means you can only employ this app in the company area .In this case ,you would unable to use your own computer for work in the office .

Given all these carefully analysis I mentioned above , I firmly believe that we should separate our conception for using the computer or cell phone : when we stay in home , there is no doubt we should enjoy our time by own equipments .on the other side ,it is wise to employ public facilities instead of personals’.

wsxz007

1.12 独立

The high-technique equipments like computer and intelligent phone are the miracles which could make our life more fruitful and vibrant .Nowadays , there is a growing concern about it is better to work with your own computer and cell phone at home than work in the office ,for my perspective ,using those equipments in your home is more reasonable choice . In the essay ,I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate it .

First of all ,we need to protect the personal information from the public place ,it is unwise to connect your own computer or cell phone with the office network ,because someone else may slips into your disk without noticing you and copies some important documents that you don’t want to share .For example ,one day there is business man uses his own computer and communicates with customer for some commercial contract in the company ,unfortunately his opponent colleague connects with his computer and eavesdrop their conversation and key information .As a result ,that business lost his contract without any reason .In that case on no account can we ignore the importance of using those equipments at home .
例子最好不用这种，可以将这个人具体化到你身边，这样太泛泛，像在说故事，比如说成自己的哥哥啊啥的
Moreover ,there is another story to testify my hypothesissub topic不能是假设啊 ,not one illustrating the private factor ,but one showing the subtlety of authority for application .真心没看懂In general , some enterprise will constrict the certain right for employee’s application , for example ,they regards the MSN, FaceBook and twitter as the biggest obstacle which could distract the employees’ attention from their work ,so you may not to use those softwares to fill what you want in the company .On the contrary of that , you could enjoy those apps anywhere in your home ,No one will say negative是不是直接用no好一点to you ,No one will stop you traveling online . In this sense , using those ‘miracle’？为啥是这个词？ in your home poses a great benefit to ours .


这一段在说什么观点呢？在家能用APP 在公司不能用可是APP跟工作啥关系，前面还承认这些东西有碍工作——提炼个人论点不能又悖常理啊。完全跑偏了……


Admittedly ,using the computer which provided by company will be more efficient for your works. For instance ,a telecommunication product provider (TPP) will employ the engineer with some specific skills and 前后结构尽量保持一致certain capability to operate the unique application which was devised by the company itself .that means you can only employ this app in the company area .In this case ,you would unable to use your own computer for work in the office .


这一段是想表达一种辩证观是吧，可是后面还是没说出来啊而且篇幅有点大了


Given all these carefully analysis I mentioned above , I firmly believe that we should separate our conception这个词有点太大了，只是一种tendency or prefer to do for using the computer or cell phone : when we stay in home , there is no doubt we should enjoy our time by own equipments .on the other side ,it is wise to employ public facilities instead of personals’.


先说个最明显的，这个英文是表单符号后空一格开始写……你貌似都反了

然后就是专有名词首字母大写，平时得积累；句子，先从短句子开始写吧，入手容易点，几个长句子说实话没看明白到底表达啥

最后偶是逻辑，逻辑有些，很多自HIGH的观点，中间的逻辑链木有看见，直接就结论了，背景引入和逻辑分析不是一回事哦。



PS：我自己也犯了个大错误，at home 没看见，回炉重写……

超级无敌小鹤鹤

Hi！Cooperdw君！
由于wsxz007生病了，所以改成你和conan一组吧！ 你们两个互改！

超级无敌小鹤鹤

不好意思啊。。。发现今天只有你一个综合。。。我问问看，如果有同学有空的话，让他们帮你看下综合；不然可能这次没法改了诶。。。