1.27一战，才开始练作文，真心求教，CoopeR的作文贴，求共同进步！

cooperdw

For most of times , we admire those people who are very successful in their domain, and hope could be（hope that we could be） same level with them by our diligenteffort. But as we all know that the success is not so easy to get. Only a few people could taste that happiness in the end（很好）. during the way to success, we always look back to summarize the failure experiences and try to avoid those mistakes ,failures and do（病句，两个事物间用and） more better next time. Actually that not enough（少谓语） , we not only need to make clear the defects（词和词之间一定要能搭配起来。clear 和defects是不是略显不搭？使缺点个清楚？） of ourselves and what we need to improve but also need to focus on how to cultivate the character and some special skill for success. In my opionion, these two elements are the most significant factor for one’s future.
First of all , the people who succeed must have a dogged character to support them , because on the way to one’s goal ,there must  get（不知道能不能这样啊，there get从没见过啊， be多好） a lot of troubles and tough things waiting for them , （改用句号一定不要用逗号）some times the trouble could destroy their hopes and try to let them realize that is impossible to succeed. So many people will drop their original plan and give up in the end. although the harsh reality to tell them there is no way or a small chance to win , the real hero will never submit and try to find the way to keep forward and finally their name will be momerized by others just because their unbeatable character . Maichel Jordan（亮点）
, are the shinest star in NBA, loss more than hundreds of game and miss thousands of shoot during his career. But he successed in the end ,why? I still remember what Jordan said : “I failed over and over and over again, that is why I succeed !”（很好，但好像引号在托福中没见人用过，这不算错误啦，你知道就好）So if you sesearch the path to get the,please try to practice your tough character over and over again.Furthermore, how to talk with others and comprehend the meaning from other’s word can support the successful people as well. As we know , the relationship-network is the fundamental . we can not do all the things ourselves and most of time our friends ,colleagues , customers may support us with their abilities that we don’t have. But the pre-condition is how to establish the good relationship with them. Especially for the successful people , they must execl at skill of communication , for instance Ma Yun are the best merchant on electric-network platform for commercial affairs . his belief is that you have to know what your employee thinking and try to talk with them by their style, and for customers we must listem those requirements from them and show our faith to make deal with them.. We still should be patient even if the customer have no interest in our business. It’s hard to say them want choose us as their cooperative partner next time.so that is all by comumication.


From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that although there are so many factors onaffect who to get success , yet the most important of most important is your inspiration for the goalandthe way to communicate with those people who will affect your success.

很不错了，语言很精准，580很多了，30min 内的作品的花我只能膜拜。表扬的就不多说了。
1.这篇文章存在逻辑错误，在第一段，你用了not only but also，这是一个强调并列关系的词组，但后面你并没有对clear defects 进行论证。
2。你的主体论证部分怎么能不分段啊？而且你既然用了first，我却找不到second。
3.你第一段中提到了some special skill。 但是teamwork 的能力好像和skill有点距离。如果能有一句过渡会显得自然点，你说呢？

-- by 会员 45573asdasd (2012/12/14 9:29:05)

很感谢你细心的修改，你所指出的地方我认为都需要改进
对于make clear the defects没有进行论证，我个人认为对它 的论证不属于文章的中心主题，但是必要提一两句还是应该的。你说的很对

我的逻辑是 我用两大段去论证 communication 和 character 的积极作用  ，然后最后一段总结

不知这样的体裁是否可以被接受呢？

另外我刚开始写作文。花了将近一小时的时间。 我会慢慢总结，加快步伐

45573asdasd

也许可能会被接受，也许不能。所以保险起见还是三个论点加开头和结尾的传统结构好点。
而且最好你的开头和主体和结尾一一对应，显得整个文章层次清晰。

袋袋

12.11 独立
“Why?” that word is high frequency word in people’s life. Especially in class, everyone will be confused by several questions on assorted subjects during their study（代词用得不对吧。。。）. And as the export  expert on some subjects in class, We have responsibilities to assist the classmates as much as possible. Because I am execl （？）at in 两个介词在一起。。。the subject . I ensure that I will confront the issues of other like mine even if the tutor can give them more official suggests and shortcut for some problems（我可以说这句我没看懂吗==）.
我觉得亲你的开头展开得有点突兀，我觉得没有很靠题，不过也许是我读得面太窄了

First of all , the relationship between me and student who got a problem are causal , we know each others well（这两个句子都有主谓，需要连词，或者变成主从句）  , so that make us to communicate very effective( therefore, the communication between us must be very effective).Maybe we are the deskmate, if a student have a Question in the subject and I believe he or she will ask you to help him or her to figure out the solution without hesitation(感觉句子结构好混乱，亲你要好好改改哦). （这里应该有个逻辑连接词吧，eg ：what's more）Thanks to the students question that you can review the knowledge you deeply understand by answer which would make you more official on this area（？没读懂。。。）. Nevertheless , research the problem together not only provide the correct answerfor tothe asker ,but also benefit the answerer. After all ，our friendship will be developed by asking each other over and over again.


On the other hand （是不是前面一段应该用 on the one hand啊。。。）, The tutor can not help the students who eager to know the answer for several question immediately. Because during the class ,the lessons are going on,（需要连接词链接两个句子） teachers will never stop their teaching and make the reply sudent's question carefully, try to imagine that if one students have a question will cost 5 minutes on the class ,what 5 students（这句话有问题，虽然具体怎么改我也不很清楚）? Even if the teacher get patience to answer those questions , undoubted to say , that will make other students know want to absorb more knowledges （亲，这句话你好好读一下啊，这个不应该啊。。。）very discontented. If waiting for class over , some student may forget what question want to ask to teacher and tutor and by that some of knowledges point will be neglected.Again , if your deskmate execl at inthis subject and for atthe moment you need to know the answer for some problem which make you to understand the rest of lessons, ask he or she as quickly as possible .and because your pretty good relationship , he or she will assist you by their best.亲，我觉得这个结构很混乱，你再好好修改一下吧，主要是改法可以很多，把句子的问题改掉就好
结构比较混乱，思维上的逻辑也不是很清楚


Finally , for all the difficult problems, even you are a expert there must have something you don’t know ,after all your knowledge can not be unmatched like teachers or tutors. The teacher and tutor will provide you more official lore . in a addition teacher will afford more appropriate study way than best student dose. For this point, Although your deckmate who good at in some subjects can help you , don’t forget to ask teacher or tutor for the most appropriate way to make the study more efficient.


In conclusion ,asking is one of best way to make the progress on your study ,when you form that habit that indicate you wish to figure out the truthfor of science .you will benefit by that after you going to study in high level institution . your classmates may help you a lot , but please combine the suggest by the teacher and tutor . nevertheless, you will be the perfect student like your deckmate.
亲，我觉得你一句话好长，有很多句子杂糅在一起。可以在句子的方面多花工夫，很多时候我其实不太能看懂你的意思，虽然你想表达的我大概猜到。。。
还有整篇的内容页不大有说服力，逻辑比较混乱

cooperdw

During the period we growing up , so many things we have to learn and so many positive behaviors we must cultivate .patience is one of the most significant behavior in our whole life and that is the key to success .Although behaviors factors like never give up or never submit until the last victory comes and work hard are also should be taken into account , have to say patient embody all the elements we talk about above. My reason will substantiate my prospective below.


First of all , communication with others needs patience . we will face a lot ofpeople everyday during your studing or working ,and every single one of persons have different behavior and personality , so we must use the different way or attitude to talk with them. For example , for your parents or who you know each other very well , the communication must be causal and they will not take care of your drawback on talking . but in the case that you face you boss or you customers, you can not do the same like face your parents and friend,you words need to be very carefully because one small mistake will affect your future in career or lost the contract . Now we focus on the second group peoples in this article , we always should be patient when we talk to the customers even if we know they will never make deal with us . sometimes the customer do not agree with you in the first time ,but it’s dosen’t means you will fall in second time , try it and try it with your enduring behavior , you will get fruitfull result.



Secondly , something could not be done at all without patience like some sports . for example ,most of people like to fishing , especially our parents or grandparents , as we know if you want lure the fishes eat your hook ,you must put something they like on it . and after that , a painful waiting on the bank , we only can catch the fishes when we detect the hook has a little vibrate, or you will get nothing but disappointment when you back to home .we always see other people gets a large number of fishes in their barrels ,that indicate they have a very patient behavior.



Finally , patience is most important factor in study , like we solve a mathmatics problem ,it totally have ten steps to do and we only score when we giving the answer step by step and each step get a extremely complicated process. Some students have no patience to do that , they just neglect all the process in the problem and only provide the final answer . undoubtedly they fall to solve the question and we still exemplify thousands case that like



From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that whatever we do , we can not keep going without patience . although execute something immediately worth to compliment , the patience must be made better in our life than any other factors.

麦田往事

During the period that we growing up , so many things we have to learn and so many positive behaviors we must cultivate .Patience is one of the most significant behavior in our whole life and that is the key to success .Although behaviors factors like never give up or never submit until the last victory comes and work hard are also should be taken into account, I have to say patient can embody all the elements we talk about above. My reason below will substantiate my prospective below.



First of all , communication with others needs patience . We will face这里用meet我觉得更好一些a lot of people every day during your studingstudying or working. 你这一句话太长，我想拆成两个句子可能更好一些andBut every single one of persons person have different behavior and personality , so we must use the different way or attitude to talkcommunicate with them. For example, for your parents or who you know each other very well, the communication must be causal and they will not take care of your drawback on talking. But in the case that you face you boss or you customers, you cannot do the same thing like face your parents and friend. You words need to be very carefully because one small mistake will affect your future in career or lost the contract. Now we focus on the second group peoples in this article , we always should be patient when we talk to the customers even if we know they will never make deal with us . sometimes the customer do not agree with you in the first time ,but it’s dosen’tnot means you will fall in second time , try it and try it with your enduring behavior , you will get fruitfull fruitful result. 你这一段论点很好，说的是与人沟通需要patient但是大量的篇幅都在强调与人交流需要不同情况不同对待。
Secondly , something could not be done at all without patience like举例用as 更好些some sports .（你这一段的开头不如直接点明 some sports could not be done at all without patience. 因为你三段的论点都是在讲述做一些事离不开patience） for example ,most of people like to fishing , especially our parents or grandparents. As we know if you want lure the fishes to eat your hook, you must put something they like on it. And then only after a painful waiting(痛苦的等待,呵呵，painful 这个词是不是有些极端？) on the bank , we only canmay catch the fishes when we detect the hook has a little vibrate. And also you willmay get nothing but disappointment when you back to home .we always see other people gets a large number of fishes in their barrels ,that indicate they have a very patient behavior.
Finally , patience is most important factor in study , like we solve a mathmaticsmathematics problem ,it totally have ten steps to do and we only score when we giving the answer step by step and each step get a extremely complicated process. Some students have no patience to do that , they just neglect all the process in the problem and only provide the final answer. Undoubtedly they fall fail to solve the question and we still can exemplify thousands case that like .
From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that whatever we do , we can notcannot keep going without patience . Although execute something immediately worth to compliment, the patience must be made better in our life than any other factors.

从交流，运动和学习三个角度去论证patient的重要性，你的逻辑思路很严谨的，很值得我去学习的。但是语法和单词拼写的一些小错误还是有一些的，留一些时间去检查就可以解决了。有些句子写的过于臃肿，可以适当的简化一些。

总体来说是一篇好文章，而且你能犀利的打出500多个字，崇拜啊。。。。

cooperdw

After the industrial innovation from Great Britain,new kinds of vehicles were brought in our life : motorcar , plane , train and so on . Nowadays , there is a growing concern about which vehicle have more effective influence on humans life, some commentators conclude that the aircraft are more powerful and more convenient for transportation .for my prospective is that the car may play the protagonist in our life. In this article, I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate my idea.


First of all, the motorcar will takes less cost than aircraft dose , as we all know , the price of aircraft ticket sometime worth 10 times as much as motorcar and probably more than that.Try to imagine,when we take a trip from Shanghai to Nanjing
,it’s 80 RMB for bus but we need 500 for flight,t is conceivable that the price is expensive for us.On no account can we ignore the commodity of motor vehicles .

Moreover , now let me tell a second story, not on illustrating the importance of cost , but one showing the subtlety of popular element . when we want to take airplane ,for most of time we need to arrive the airport and it is obviously that in most of cities the airport is constructed on outskirt. So reaching the airport first , then a lot of complex processed and programs or body-inspection waiting for there ,so harsh for ones ! unlike the airplane, everyone can drive a car to any where as long as they wish to do. No inspection , No register , and not only for traveling , we may going to work or have a date bydrive a motorcar everyday ,so most of people will prefer motorcar than aircraft .


Finally , the extensive application must be taken into account , sometime we may not only use vehicle to travel but use vehicle to carry to cargo and sort of the things, So the motorcar could assist us effectively . for example when we were obliged to moving house , we can employ the truck to carry all the furniture for us . that is what airplane can not be replaced.


Admittedly , the aircraft is also important for our life , when we plan to traveling a long distance just like from China to Unite states , the plane will solve all the problems. We have to take airplane even if it cost so much . before the airplane was invented , we have to use ship to travel far and spend nearly a month to do that.


From what has been discussed above , we may safely draw the conclusion that although the aircraft is a high efficient vehicles on the planet , definitely the motorcar is best choice for humans daily life.

cooperdw

Team-work, a familiar word in our life , a lot of job must be done by several people to works with each others well. Unlike the works which could be finished by individual , team-work get a high-level requirement for those people whose are the member of the team, they need to know what are other teammates do and to figure out how to work the part of their own well in order to fix with the teammates.Nowadays,there is growing concern about do we need to listen those suggestion in the teamwork , some commentators conclude that the reason why we shouldn’s follow the advise from others is that people like to stylize their own feature during the work .for my prospective is that listening is must more important for team-work .In this essay , I will analyze this issu and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate my idea.


First of all , As we know we may not be the first one who are the team-member , for most oftime we joining during the work going on . so there must be some mentors to teaches us how to get start and how to avoid the common problems of work , sometimes the shortcuts for job from them will bring more conveniences for us . not only they the things they teachs you but also you figure out and summarize the issue yourself , ask them directly will enhance you ability of work On no account can we ignore the importance of listen to those suggestions.


Moreover , Now let me tell a second story, not one illustrating the how our mentor affect us during the work,but one showing the sublety of the integration in the teamwork . In general , the reason why we should establish a team for work is that it’s obvious we cannot finish the work by single one.people A ‘s work load must be combine people B ‘s and so on in order to make sense during the work , so we must clear what are your teammates work and how their effort benefit yours , they were be oblige to let your know the purpose of their works or you will have no idea about how to start the work of your own .for that , listen to their suggestion is a integral part in your job .In this sense , listen to the those suggestion must be followed during your team-work .

Finally , listening those words from others will show your patience , manner and motivation throughout the work .that will make your colleague know your personality and feature during the work ,meanwhile ,are happy to working with you . In my opinion that ‘s the third reason to demonstrate why listening is so significant .


Admittedly, working by oneself unable to neglected in the work , sometimes we also need a ‘hero’ to let team more vibrant and original and that one must execl at in what he or her doing , knows a lot in other one ‘s domain . people with these ability could show the influence of individual .
From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that Although the importance of working by oneself can take some efforts for a teamwork abruptly , it is undoubted that listen to suggestion during your work will plays protagonist in the end.

45573asdasd

After the industrial innovation from Great Britain,new kinds of vehicleswere brought in our life : motorcar , plane , train and so on . Nowadays , there is a growing concern about which vehicle have more effectiveinfluence on humans life, some commentators conclude that the aircraft are more powerful（这个词不合适） and more convenient for transportation .for my prospective is that the car may play the protagonist in our life. In this article, I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate my idea.（整段都很不错的）


First of all, the motorcar will takes less cost than aircraft dose , as we all know , the price of aircraft ticket sometime worth 10 times as much as motorcar（price和motorcar不可比） and probably more than that.,it is conceivable that the (加个flight更清楚）price is expensive for us.On no account can we ignore the commodity of motor vehicles .

Moreover , now let me tell a second story, not on illustrating the importance of cost , but one showing the subtlety of popular element . when we want to take airplane ,for most of time we need to arrive the airport and it is obviously（要形容词吧） that in most of cities the airport is constructed on outskirt. So reaching the airport first , then a lot of complex processed and programs or body-inspection waiting for there,so harsh for ones（这句话看不懂，reaching的发出这是谁，waiting for THERE ） ! unlike the airplane, everyone can drive a car to any where as long as they wish to do. No inspection , No register , and not only（和他配对的but also 最好同时也出现） for traveling , we may going to work or have a date bydrive a motorcar everyday ,so most of people will prefer motorcar than aircraft .


Finally , the extensive application must be taken into account , sometime we may not only use vehicle to travel but use vehicle to carry to cargo and sort of the things, So the motorcar could assist us effectively . for example when we were obliged to moving house , we can employ the truck to carry all the furniture for us . that is what airplane can not be replaced（你这说成了飞机是不能被代替的）

Admittedly , the aircraft is also important for our life , when we plan to traveling a long distance just like from China to Unite states , the plane will solve all the problems. We have to take airplane even if it cost so much . before the airplane was invented , we have to use ship to travel far and spend nearly a month to do that.


From what has been discussed above , we may safely draw the conclusion that although the aircraft is a highly efficient vehicles on the planet , definitely the motorcar is best better choice for humans daily life
还是不错的。逻辑上没什么问题，就看你怎么把细小的地方弄好了。建议考前花27分钟写完，留三分钟过一遍检查细小错误，加油

cooperdw

After the industrial innovation from Great Britain,new kinds of vehicleswere brought in our life : motorcar , plane , train and so on . Nowadays , there is a growing concern about which vehicle have more effectiveinfluence on humans life, some commentators conclude that the aircraft are more powerful（这个词不合适） and more convenient for transportation .for my prospective is that the car may play the protagonist in our life. In this article, I will analyze this issue and come up with some effective reasons to demonstrate my idea.（整段都很不错的）


First of all, the motorcar will takes less cost than aircraft dose , as we all know , the price of aircraft ticket sometime worth 10 times as much as motorcar（price和motorcar不可比） and probably more than that.,it is conceivable that the (加个flight更清楚）price is expensive for us.On no account can we ignore the commodity of motor vehicles .

Moreover , now let me tell a second story, not on illustrating the importance of cost , but one showing the subtlety of popular element . when we want to take airplane ,for most of time we need to arrive the airport and it is obviously（要形容词吧） that in most of cities the airport is constructed on outskirt. So reaching the airport first , then a lot of complex processed and programs or body-inspection waiting for there,so harsh for ones（这句话看不懂，reaching的发出这是谁，waiting for THERE ） ! unlike the airplane, everyone can drive a car to any where as long as they wish to do. No inspection , No register , and not only（和他配对的but also 最好同时也出现） for traveling , we may going to work or have a date bydrive a motorcar everyday ,so most of people will prefer motorcar than aircraft .


Finally , the extensive application must be taken into account , sometime we may not only use vehicle to travel but use vehicle to carry to cargo and sort of the things, So the motorcar could assist us effectively . for example when we were obliged to moving house , we can employ the truck to carry all the furniture for us . that is what airplane can not be replaced（你这说成了飞机是不能被代替的）

Admittedly , the aircraft is also important for our life , when we plan to traveling a long distance just like from China to Unite states , the plane will solve all the problems. We have to take airplane even if it cost so much . before the airplane was invented , we have to use ship to travel far and spend nearly a month to do that.


From what has been discussed above , we may safely draw the conclusion that although the aircraft is a highly efficient vehicles on the planet , definitely the motorcar is best better choice for humans daily life
还是不错的。逻辑上没什么问题，就看你怎么把细小的地方弄好了。建议考前花27分钟写完，留三分钟过一遍检查细小错误，加油

-- by 会员 45573asdasd (2012/12/17 9:47:44)

1  that is what airplane can not be replaced  确实是个比较大的失误，提的好。这种错误必须避免
2  the price of aircraft ticket sometime worth 10 times as much as motorcar  不够精确 motorcar 可替换成bus ticket
3  So reaching the airport first , then a lot of complex processed and programs or body-inspection waiting for there,so harsh for ones
   我的原意是  之前因为说几场一般建设在郊区->首先要到达几场，然后还有一堆复杂手续，检查等等 程序在等待着，太麻烦了
4 此篇文章用时40分钟，因为总结出了模板，时间慢慢在缩短， 我认为模板可以继续精简 并提高打字速度，多谢体育兄的提醒

45573asdasd

共同努力！你的进步很明显。wait for something。但是wait for there意思是等那儿 直接waitthere吧
加油。字数是够了~