阿伦艾佛森的作文

阿伦艾弗森

6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out; people especially the young now like to spend time in playing games or chatting in social networking site through those inventions. They do not like to go outside and do some sports. From my perspective, I think taking exercise for younger people is as much important as for older people.

First of all, taking exercise for younger people can depress their working pressure. Nowadays the number of young people in sudden death in the world is increasing higher and higher and one same reason is that they face high working pressure and have less time to exercise and some of them even commit suicide. If they can have more time into exercising such as playing basketball or simply jogging, they may refresh their mind and have a better body condition to face tough problems they will meet both in their work and their life.
       
Secondly, some of the physical exercise can help younger people know how to cooperate with others which is important as an aspect in their life. Chinese people who born post 90s are lack of awareness of teamwork so by taking some physical exercise, they can share with others and receive not only good health but also better work. Such as the president of America- Obama who likes to play basketball after his onerous work.

Thirdly, younger people can get happiness and useful strategies in study by exercising. After the sweat runs down from face and body, people can feel their mind clearer than before and their body seems more energetic. It can help you relax and get a good mood; when your sporting skills reach a level, you may want to increase more. By gaining more confident in exercising, you may want to achieve same accomplishment in other field. For instance, I like to play basketball because it can always help me out when I meet some study problems. Basketball teaches me to practice many times and do never give up. I use this strategy in my study and finally I get good scores.

In conclusion, exercising is useful and important for younger people because it can depress working pressure, increase awareness of cooperating and gain happy and strategies.

perfectends

咦？你又回来了？

sherlock1992

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-16 19:03
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out; people espec ...

咱们写的话题好像有出入啊。。。好吧，就这样改吧

sherlock1992

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-16 19:03
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out; people espec ...

6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out;（这里的分号是表示语气停顿吗？赶脚逗号会比较好） people especially the young now like to spend time in playing games or chatting in social networking sites through those inventions. (句子之间要有连词）They do not like to go outside and do some sports. From my perspective, I think taking exercise for younger people is as much important as for older people.

First of all, taking exercise for younger people can depress their working pressure. Nowadays the number of young people in sudden death in the world is increasing higher and higher and one same reason is that they face high working pressure and have less time to exercise and some of them even commit suicide. If they can have more time into exercising such as playing basketball or simply jogging, they may refresh their mind and have a better body condition to face tough problems they will meet both in their work and their life. （语言很顺畅，但本人赶脚在最后总结一下分论点会更好）

Secondly, some of the physical exercise can help younger people know how to cooperate with others  ,which is important as an aspect in their life. Chinese people who born post(我查了下，post好像没有这样的用法，只是在表示词缀时有“后”的意思） 90s are lack of awareness of teamwork.(这里应该分开两句话吧？） So  by taking some physical exercise, they can share with others and receive not only good health but also better work. Such as the president of America- Obama who likes to play basketball after(after后要接句子） his onerous work.

Thirdly, younger people can get happiness and useful strategies in study by exercising. After the sweat runs down from face and body, people can feel their mind clearer than before and their body seems more energetic. It can help you relax and get a good mood; when your sporting skills reach a level, you may want to increase more. By gaining more confident in exercising, you may want to achieve same accomplishment in other field. For instance, I like to play basketball because it can always help me out when I meet some study problems. Basketball teaches me to practice many times and do never give up. I use this strategy in my study and finally I get good scores.

In conclusion, exercising is useful and important for younger people because it can depress working pressure, increase awareness of cooperating and gain happy and strategies.

1.首先赞一个，楼主全文结构很清晰。
2. 但中间的些许语法错误需要注意一下下。
3. 另，本文用词也稍显简单，，，
4.加油。

阿伦艾弗森

perfectends 发表于 2013-6-16 21:53
咦？你又回来了？

嗯哪、嘿嘿，7月有个入学考试，好久木有写作了。练练。哈哈！

阿伦艾弗森

sherlock1992 发表于 2013-6-17 08:58
6月16日独立
With electronic products such as panel computers and smart phones come out;（这里的分 ...

after好像有介词的用法。
or也可以当连词使用吧。。。
那个分号我用它是因为逗号不能连接句子。。。
辛苦啦。马上帮您改。~

sherlock1992

阿伦艾弗森 发表于 2013-6-17 15:30
after好像有介词的用法。
or也可以当连词使用吧。。。
那个分号我用它是因为逗号不能连接句子。。。

嗯，确实，after有介词用法，惭愧了。。。
至于分号，确实逗号不能连接句子，但with引导的从句与主句之间不需要什么连词吧？
不客气。

阿伦艾弗森

6月18日独立

Our society’s huge development is attributed by science improvement. We cannot live in a world without high-tech products now; however, some of the discoveries would bring bad effects to human. Should scientists be responsible for these influences? In my point of view, I think scientists should totally hold the responsibility for following reasons.

Firstly, scientists always can estimate the danger level of their science products before they invented them, such as nuclear weapon. They know that these weapons will pollute the environment and if terrorists know how to use these dangerous weapons, they may use them in appropriate ways so that leads human-being’s disaster.  Since scientists think those science products can bring benefits to human more than bad effects and governments keep giving scientists money into their study, they must take risks and take the whole responsibility of their discoveries.

Secondly, most of the discoveries are now so complicated and only by people who focus on studying them can find ways to solve problems which those products may bring us. Movies resident evil can be best examples for me. The company created virus weapon can know how to make the gene of virus unwinding which can decrease their speed of variation. For most of scientists have solutions to their fail of their studying discoveries, they are responsible for their failures.

Thirdly, many scientists now do not have that purely mind which is bring benefits to human by their discoveries. Many of them are now compelled by money and profit. Studying new discoveries and turning them to profit, scientists should know that they earn money from common people, they should be responsible for their products. By comforting consumers, we both can gain benefits from new discoveries and our society can step forward more quickly and safely.

In conclusion, by providing three reasons, I think scientists should be responsible for their discoveries because their anticipating, their smart solutions and mutual profits gained both scientists and consumers.

zengyuruo

Our society’s huge development is attributed by(一般都是attribute to吧，没见过attribute by呢) science(scientific) improvement.（建议：huge一般用于形容体积上的大，可以说huge development space(较大的进步空间)，但很少直接形容development的，建议换为great or considerable） We cannot live in a world without high-tech products now; however, some of the discoveries would bring bad effects to human. Should scientists be responsible for these influences? In my point of view, I think scientists should totally hold the responsibility for following reasons.（建议修改一下这样的表达，句意最好是univocal的，因为这句话可以理解为对reason负责，建议改为as discussed below之类）

Firstly, scientists always can estimate the danger level of their science (scientific) products before they invented them,（如果invent是过去的行为，那么can是否应该改为could） such as nuclear weapons. They know that these weapons will pollute the environment and if terrorists know how to use these dangerous weapons, they may use them in inappropriate ways so that (缺主语) leads human-being’s disaster.（亲，这句话的结构不太清晰哈。首先，使用了很多个they/them,指代不清楚。另外，你想表达的是两个fact【科学家知道污染】【恐怖分子利用武器】会导致disaster么？建议将句子组织得结构更清楚一些。） Since scientists think that those science products can bring benefits to human more than bad effects（建议改为bring more benefits rather than bad effects to human） and that governments would keep giving scientists money into their study, they must take risks(亲，这是冒险，不是承担风险哦，没有冒险的必然理由啊，逻辑上不对哈！) and take the whole responsibility of （for）their discoveries.

Secondly, most of the discoveries are now so complicated and only by people who focus on studying them can find ways to solve problems which those products may bring us.（该分句没有主语呢…） Movies resident evil can be the best examples for me. The company created（后置定语应该是主动的，creating，是company的主动行为） virus weapon（想表达的是生物武器？biological weapon，极少表达病毒武器的哈~~） can know how to make the gene of virus unwinding which can decrease their speed of variation. For most of scientists who have solutions to their fail of their studying discoveries, they are responsible for their failures.

Thirdly, many scientists now do not have that purely mind（pure mind？） which is bring benefits to human by their discoveries. Many of them are now compelled by money and profit. Studying new discoveries and turning them to（into） profit, scientists should know that they earn money from common people, they should be responsible for their products. By comforting consumers, we both can gain benefits from new discoveries and our society can step forward more quickly and safely.（按照both放的位置，应该是管着两个并列的行为，可是你之后接了一个can。。。，又接了另一个完整的句子，不是对称的结构。建议改成Not only can we… but also our society…类似的句式。）

In conclusion, by providing three reasons, I think scientists should be responsible for their discoveries because（because of接名词短语，because是连词，接句子…） their anticipating, their smart solutions and mutual profits gained both scientists and consumers.

第一次入队改作文，改得不好请见谅。

zengyuruo

总体感觉，文章的结构比较清楚。
提出三个原因：科学家能够事先知道他们研究的影响，专业知识限制了别人对科学研究负责，利益驱使。
但是个人感觉，每个分论点的展开都不是很充分，导致不足以让人信服你的观点。
个人小建议：
1. 科学家事先知道影响，应该说明你如何确定他们可以知道，比如他们有先进的设备、会经过无数次的反复试验等。
2. 专业知识段落，应该着重强调科学家是唯一可以承担责任的人。they can 并不等于 they are only。