坚持好好练习写作，热烈欢迎各位拍砖~

Yeeisstrong

一定要好好写

chasedreamabc

欢迎加入写作小分队
http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-741014-1-1.html

Yeeisstrong

9月2日
it is better to relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise. Do you agree?
    
    Nowadays, all kinds of people have different press, for instance, children always complain they have too much homework, students maybe bore their bad friendship with their friends, adults feel they have so weight press from their children, parents and wife, old people often become sick so that they have to suffer terrible treat. So, press is coming, those people who must relax themselves, thus some people believe it is better relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical. However, physical exercise are the same important to us.
    
    Movie plays a very important role in my life. I remember that some time I was terrible so that I do not want to learn GMAT, I lost myself and think it is so difficult to me, there are so many wrong answers, I almost give up until watch a movie, Forest Gump, it tells me that life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to eat, you must persist to do it and like Forest Gump, finally your dream is come true. The movie help me through the bad time and relax my mind, I can learn GMAT better.

    But I try to exercise every day. I make it a point to take a long brisk along walk every day. Exercising regularly not only helps me to keep my weight in check but also help me get over stress. It has been proved that walking can help you relax. In fact , a walk in a park away from polluted areas is good for our lungs. After you finish your physical exercise, you feel you are relax and have a good mood. How a nice day!

    It is the same important to us doing physical exercise, reading and watch a movie. If you do all, you have not only a perfect mind but also a healthy body. No matter how difficult, there is no denying that problems will be solved, you will be a strong and success person.

fuzhengrui

9月2日
it is better to relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise. Do you agree?

   Nowadays, all kinds of people have different press, for instance, children always complain they have too much homework, students maybe bore their bad friendship with their friends, adults feel they have so weight press from their children, parents and wife, old people often become sick so that they have to suffer terrible treat. So, press is coming, those people who must relax themselves, thus some people believe it is better relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical. However, physical exercise are the same important to us.

   Movie plays a very important role in my life. I remember that some time I was terrible so that I do not want to learn GMAT, I lost myself and think it is so difficult to me, there are so many wrong answers, I almost give up until watch a movie, Forest Gump, it tells me that life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to eat, you must persist to do it and like Forest Gump, finally your dream is come true. The movie help me through the bad time and relax my mind, I can learn GMAT better.

   But I try to exercise every day. I make it a point to take a long brisk along walk every day. Exercising regularly not only helps me to keep my weight in check but also help me get over stress. It has been proved that walking can help you relax. In fact , a walk in a park away from polluted areas is good for our lungs. After you finish your physical exercise, you feel you are relax and have a good mood. How a nice day!

   It is the same important to us doing physical exercise, reading and watch a movie. If you do all, you have not only a perfect mind but also a healthy body. No matter how difficult, there is no denying that problems will be solved, you will be a strong and success person.

-- by 会员 Yeeisstrong (2012/9/2 19:30:17)

Yeeisstrong

改的很好，非常感谢，语法确实很糟糕，作文很烂。但是硬着头皮也得写啊，先把语言学好再去GMAT吧。

chasedreamabc

除了付图图给你说的语法外，大致看了一下。字数较少，少于很多高分同学的文章；论点展开不充分，文章的结构性和逻辑不是非常完备，提升空间很大
最后能说建议重写吗

vivian873921

红色~是修正的，黄色是亮点~蓝色是建议~蓝绿色是疑惑~颜色太多~都有点色盲了。。。。

Nowadays, all kinds of people have different press.（pressures）for instance(举例的短语), children always complain they have too much homework(homeworks to do), students maybe bore(get bored of) their bad friendships with their friends, （这里面好多个分句是不是用分号更好一些呢？个人想法~）adults feel they have so weight press (strong pressures which comes)  from their children, parents and wife, old people often become sick so that they have to suffer terrible treat. So,press（pressure） is coming(一个倒装的句子~要学习之~), those people who must relax themselves, thus some people believe it is better （to）relax by a movie or reading a book than doing physical. However, physical exercises are the same important to us（have the same importance to us）.

Movie plays a very important role in my life. I remember that some time I was terrible so that I do not want to learn GMAT, I lost myself and think it is so difficult to me, there are so many wrong answers, I almost give up until watch a movie, Forest Gump, it tells me that life was(这个是不是可以用is？) like a box of chocolates(一个很好的引用), you （will）never know what （kind of chocolates） you are  going to eat, you must persist to do it (貌似应该是persist in doing sth.)and like Forest Gump, finally your dream is （will） come true. The movie helps me (get) through the bad time and relax (refresh) my mind, (so that) I can learn GMAT better.

But I try to exercise every day. I make it a point to take a long brisk along walk every day. Exercising regularly not only helps me to（应该是help sb do sth.）keep my weight in check(这个木有看懂) but also helps me get over stress. It has been proved that walking can help you relax. In fact , a walk in a park away from polluted areas is good for our lungs. After you finish your physical exercise, you feel you are relax and have a good mood. How a nice day!

It is the same important to us doing physical exercises, reading and watch a movie. If you do all, you will have not only a perfect mind but also a healthy body. No matter how difficult (it is), there is no denying that problems will be solved, you will be a strong and success person.

个人觉得应该理由再充分一下，是不是可以先提出观点，然后再用例子支持一下。觉得观点的论述理由有一点少~互相学习~加油~

Yeeisstrong

9月3日
Do you agree that it is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.


    The world that we are living becomes more and more beautiful and colorful so that our life should be full of all kinds of brilliance and marvel. Thus we can spend some money on traveling and vocation, and then we go to enjoy your life or relax yourself. However, some people believe that if we spend money on traveling and vocation, we won’t save money for future. I feel that different people hold different idea about the topic. I agree that we should spend money in traveling and vocation. I have a number of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on my personal experience.

    Under the background of economic crisis and city explosion, we are highly competitive and have heavy pressure. We often can not go home on time because we should work hard and work overtime. An increasing number of people are depressed because they suffer too much pressure. All in all, we should spend money on traveling and vocation in order to relax ourselves and enjoy our beautiful life. We have a good mind, our job will be finished more efficiency and perfect.

    Although saving money also have a great influence on our life, our country are become more rich after the remove and opening-up, our social security system is more and more perfect. Those people who worry that their rest of life has no energy to make money are redundant. Our government will help and make sure the old man is healthy. Some people want to save money for their children to supply fee of education and to buy department for their children. In my view, government offers fee of students now. It is so terrible that parents give their children departments or houses, if they do, children maybe not study hard and work hard, they feel that life is so easy at a young age and will not do their almost to achieve their goal in life, but when they are become adult or more old, they find that they own a terrible life. Therefore, it is best way that we should spend money on us.

 Above all , in brief, our life belongs us. Spending money on amazing traveling and comfortable vocation is a great right decision. How a beautiful thing it is to enjoy life!

Yeeisstrong

谢谢你，我会重写一遍的。

shendang

Do you agree that it isbetter to spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.


   The world that we are livingbecomes more and more beautiful and colorful so that our life should be full ofall kinds of brilliance and marvel. Thuswe can spend some money on traveling and vocation（thus 前后貌似没有什么因果关系吧~）, and then we go to enjoy your life or relax yourself.However, some people believe that if we spend money on traveling and vocation,we won’t save money for future. （我大致明白你要表达的意思，可是这样写有点罗嗦）I feel that different people hold different idea about thetopic. I agree that we should spend money in traveling and vocation. I have anumber of reasons for feeling this way, and they are all based on my personalexperience.

   Under the background ofeconomic crisis and city explosion, weare highly competitive（这个意思是竞争变强？如果是，这个表达有误吧~） and have heavypressure. We often can not go home on time because we should work hard and workovertime. An increasing number of people are depressed because they suffer toomuch pressure. All in all（这边的all in all放得有点不对，前面只讲了现代人怎么样，还没说到花钱旅游有什么好，就马上来个总之，逻辑上不严谨）, we should spend money on traveling and vocation in orderto relax ourselves and enjoy our beautiful life. We have a good mind, our jobwill be finished more efficiency and perfect.

   Although saving money also havea great influence on our life, our country are become more rich after theremove and opening-up, our social security system is more and more perfect.Those people who worry that their rest of life has no energy to make money areredundant. Our government will help and make sure the old man is healthy. Somepeople want to save money for their children to supply fee of education and tobuy department for their children. In my view, government offers fee of students now. It is soterrible that parents give their children departments or houses, if they do, children maybe not studyhard and work hard, they feel that life is so easy at a young age and will notdo their almost to achieve their goal in life, but when they arebecome adult or more old, they will find that they own aterrible life. Therefore, it is best way that we should spend money on us.
这段观点很好，但是句式过于简单了。养儿防老和啃老族这两个都是在说要为未来省钱，我觉得前面那个例子比较贴切，而且一个观点也没必要两个例子吧。

Above all , in brief, our life belongs us.Spending money on amazing traveling and comfortable vocation is a great rightdecision. How a beautiful thing it is to enjoy life!