坚持好好练习写作，热烈欢迎各位拍砖~

AnthonySummer

10.9

It's more important for the government to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational devices (such as swimming pool, playgrounds)

When we are discussing the issue that whether the government build art museums and music performance center is more significant than it build recreational devices, many people hold fast to their belief that art museums and music performance center play a more important role in their life, however, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite the opposite the point, and in modern society recreational devices have a great influence on people's life. There are several reasons for my view.

In modern society, people need to use recreational devices to release themselves and make their bodies stronger and health. Because it is obviously true that people always nowadays undergo great pressure that comes from various directions（感觉Chinese English）, doing some excises will contribute to their life and mind by recreational devices. They can play football in the football ground and swim in the pool. After doing these excuses people will feel that their pressure no longer so weight and on a stronger immunity and will have a good efficiency in work and study( good example！). What beautiful life it is!

Besides, recreational devices will get together people who have the same habits so that they make friends and build their team work sprint. The example of me matches my point of view perfectly, I always play football with other people in the playground, we begin not meet anyone, but after we play football a time, we understand each other and have a good match so that my team gets scores very easily. There is no denying that football help me make many good friends and learn how to make a team work.

Finally, the government builds the recreational device also contributed to GDP. Some expensive recreational devices should ask people pay to fees. In this way government will make a great profit to develop other aspects. In addition, business will be developed near the recreational devices. People need to purchase thing that about excise, like football, swimming clothes and so forth. It is necessary to people for eating and drinking before or after excising.（感觉museums 也可以 contribute to the GPD，如果反方向也举个列子就更好了）

All in all, for the reasons listed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the government building recreational devices is important to people very much.

全文结构简洁明朗，简单易懂，写的不错，再接再厉吧！

Yeeisstrong

13 December

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Communication skill is the most important character of those who are successful.





When we are discussing the relationship between success and communication skill, many people hold fast to their belief that communication skill plays the most important role in the successful characters. However, I amazed when I hear people say so, I do not share their point of view. Although communication skill is a contributing factor to success, a variety of successful characters are more important than communication skill, such as creativity, patient and faith.



To begin with, there is a definite link between creativity and success. The creative person who not only invent a wide range of new products, but also promote the development of science and technology. Take Steve Jobs for example, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed ipods, ipads and iphones, which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. The creative Jobs leads his creative team achieve their dream. The people of the world are enjoying these creative products and their life become more and more rich and colorful.



Besides, patient is the same important with communication skill. Successful person always use patient to solve the problem. In the key moment, the people who keep clam to think and insist to finish their job are very great, there is no doubt that teachers are best presents. Teachers have to show their patients when their students are making mistakes and they would let them know why they are wrong and how they are going to correct them more carefully. What

great teachers!



Finally, doing something is like playing football, you will never stop until you store a goal. Because the faith is the cornerstone of chasing dream. Everyone understand the story of the Rabbit and the Turtle. The turtle is competent since it knows, it has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite its handicap. As a result, the turtle persisted and got ahead, because the turtle who owns a strong belief persevered to reach the goal.





On the basis of the discussion, communication skill is not most important character in the success, creativity, patient and faith are important factors in determining success.

abbyseven

When we are discussing the relationship between success and communication skill, many people hold fast to their belief that communication skill plays the most important role in the successful characters which contributing to success. However, I amazed when I hear people say so, I do not share their point of view. Although communication skill is a contributing factor to success, a variety of successful characters are more important than communication skill, such as creativity, patient and faith. (开头觉得而很棒呢~)



To begin with, there is a definite link between creativity and success. The creative person who not only invent a wide range of new products, but also promote the development of（ the 必须加的）science and technology. Take Steve Jobs for example, after taking over a nearly bankrupt Apple, designed ipods, ipads and iphones, which hit it big across globe and set company back on top. The creative Jobs leads his creative team achieve their dream goal. The people of the world are enjoying these creative products and their life become more and more rich and colorful.  觉得 creative 用的有点多，可以换成同义词  innovative等，哈哈 我也词汇量不够


Besides, patient is the same important with communication skill.（as important as ） Successful person always use patient to solve the problem. (When successful people encountered obstacles and difficulties they always keep themselves calm down and try to deal with it with patience)In the key moment, the people who keep clam to think and insist to finish their job are very great, there is no doubt that teachers are best presents. Teachers have to show their patients when their students are making mistakes and they would let them know why they are wrong and how they are going to correct them more carefully. What great teachers! （这一段没有上一段好，哈哈~ 加油哈 蓝色表示有不理解的）



Finally, doing something is like playing football, you will never stop until you score a goal. Because the faith is the cornerstone of chasing dream. （这句话不错，但是我没有看懂为什么 和前句 有因果关系哈 ）Everyone understand the story of the Rabbit and the Turtle. The turtle is competent since it knows, it has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite its handicap. As a result, the turtle persisted and got ahead, because the turtle who owns a strong belief persevered to reach the goal.





On the basis of the discussion, communication skill is not （the） most important character （for a person who is on the way to success）in the success, （and） creativity, patient and faith are （more） important factors（ than communication skills） in determining success.


字数有点少了哈，嘿嘿，加油哈~ 共同进步 ！！

呃，我今天改在word 文档里了， 下次我注意哈，附了一个文档 嘿嘿

abbyseven

那个我的作文明天写了，你再帮我改好么，嘿嘿，好懒啊我 ，今天有点晚了，或者我写完再睡，啊啊啊~思考一下~ 反正明天10点前会写好，等着你去批哦~ 嘿嘿

Yeeisstrong

14 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Patient is usually not a good thing, we should take actions at once.



When we are talking about whether patient is usually a good thing, many people hold fast to their belief that taking actions at once is significant to us, and patient always is not a good thing. However, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my view is quite the opposite – patient is a key factor in determining success. There are several reasons for my point.



To begin with, patient plays a crucial role in competitions. The patient person always can full of willpower and insist to finish their mission perfectly. Take the story of the rabbits and the turtles for the example, the turtle is competent since he knows, he has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite his handicap, as a result the turtle persisted and got ahead because the patient help him persevere to reach the goal.



Besides, there is no doubt that patient is necessary to make a decision, however, the person who be supposed to take actions at once often make mistakes, because patient keeps intensive people calm down to think carefully and discuss each other peacefully, in the key moment, people who is patient always make a right choice. Taking actions at once, people who feel pretty pressure and ignore the careful thinking cause a worse outcome.



Finally, when we are communicating with other people and we have to meet a variety of arguements, patient goes along way reach agreement and promote the development of our relationship. For instance, my high school teacher who teach me math, she not only teach me academic knowledge but also explain the problems that I hardly understand again and again, just due to her patient, my teacher never give up aiding me so that I reach a good score.



On the basis of above discussion, doing something like playing football, you have to full of willpower and patient until you score a goal, therefore, whenever we should regard the patient turtle an role models, only in this way, we can achieve our dream. Patient is the cornerstone of success

45573asdasd

When we are talking about whether patient （题目其实都写错了patience）is usually a good thing, many people hold fast to their belief that taking actions at once is significant to us, and patient always is not a good thing. However, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my view is quite the opposite – patient is a key factor in determining success. There are several reasons for my point.



To begin with, patient plays a crucial role in competitions. The patient person always can full of willpower（？） and insist to finish their mission perfectly. Take the story of the rabbits and the turtles for theas an example, the turtle is competent（你是想说它赢了，但是你这样的表达意思是它有优势，有优势还还patient干嘛？侧面是削弱你的论点） since he knows, he has the mind-set of defeating the rabbit despite his handicap, 。as a result the turtle persisted and got ahead because the patient help him persevere to reach the goal.



Besides, there is no doubt that patient is necessary to make a decision, however, the person who be(is) supposed to take actions at once often make mistakes, because patient keeps intensive people calm down to think carefully and discuss each other peacefully, in the key moment, people who is patient always make a right choice(很不错的论证，注意逗号句号。一套主谓一个句号，不要用逗号). Taking actions at once, people who feel pretty pressure and ignore the careful thinking cause a worse outcome.



Finally, when we are communicating with other people and we have to meet a variety of arguements, patient goes along way reach agreement and promote the development of our relationship（go along way do sth我没见过，不是我错了就兄台用错了）. For instance, my high school teacher who teach me math, she not only teach me academic knowledge but also explain the problems that I hardly understand again and again, just due to her patient, my teacher never give up aiding me so that I reach a good score.



On the basis of above discussion, doing something like playing football, you have to full of willpower and patient until you score a goal, therefore, whenever we should regard the patient turtle an role models, only in this way, we can achieve our dream. Patient is the cornerstone of success

还是值得肯定的，简练的语言让人耳目一新，但是太少了。344字。综合写作都有可能比你这个长，虽然字数不是唯一标准，但是350左右你的论点肯定说服力不强。第一个例子也有点偏离。写成坚持不懈了。最好能把坚持和耐心的联系有一句话概括下。多看看范文，练练速度

Yeeisstrong

15 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Children should do similar jobs with parents?



When we are talking about whether children should so similar jobs with parents, many people hold fast to belief that children are supposed of choice the same jobs with their parents. However, I am amazed when I hear people say so, since my opinion is quite opposite – children who do their jobs should follow their personal detail situations to make right choice. There are several reasons following my point, such as different personality, different age of life and



To begin with, different people have different personality, which plays a key role in doing jobs. Parents’ personality may have a great difference with children, thus, parents fit for the job may not suit you. If parents have to ask their children to do similar job with them but children are not interested, as a result, children could not pursue their dream, attain their values and even make a terrible influence on relationship with parents.



Besides, in today fast changing world, a variety of jobs show us so that we have a large of choices to decide what we should do and how to do it and the standard of living are increasing lead to people will accept excellent education. But in the past there is no so much opportunity like nowadays, children often have to follow parents to learn some ability so that they can live in the world. Take my grandfather for example, he is almost a blind person in knowledge and never have chance go to school. In this way, my grandfather learns some carpenter’s skills from his father so that he can marry with my grandmother and bring up my father under the impoverished circumstance.



Last but not least, just image that children do the similar jobs with parents, they work in the same filed and even office. When children encounter some obstacles and difficulties, their parents take no effect to give a hand to children but children will lack ability to handle problems and thinking dependently. Children won’t bring up in the modern society that the dominant philosophy nowadays is “young man finish tasks by themselves” .



Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do strongly disagree that children should do same jobs with parents. Nevertheless, in this day and age children choose a right job by own ideal and values.

conanwang

15 December
Independent Writing: Agree or disagree? Children should do similar jobswith parents?



When we are talking about whether children should so[C1] similar jobs with parents, many people hold fast to belief that children aresupposed ofchoice[C2] the same jobs with their parents. However, I am amazed when I hear people sayso, since my opinion is quite opposite – children who do their jobs shouldfollow their personaldetail situations[C3] to make [C4] rightchoice. There are several reasons following my point, such as differentpersonality[C5] ,differentage of life [C6] and[C7]



To begin with, different people have different personality, which plays a keyrole in doing jobs. Parents’ personality may have a great difference withchildren, thus, parents fit for the job may not suit you. If parents have toask their children to do similar job with them but children are not interested,as a result, children could not pursue their dream, attain their values andeven make a terrible[C8] influenceon relationship[C9] with parents.



Besides, in today fast changing world, a variety of jobs show us so that wehave a large of choices to decide what we should do and how to do it and the standardof living are increasing lead to people will accept excellent education.[C10]  But in the past there is no so muchopportunity like nowadays, children often have to follow parents to learn someability so that they can live in the world. Take[C11]  my grandfather for example, he is almosta blind person in knowledge[C12]  and never have chance go to school[C13] . In this way, my grandfather learns somecarpenter’s skills from his father so that he can marry with[C14]  my grandmother and bring up[C15]  my father under the impoverished circumstance.[C16]  



Last but not least, just image that children do the similar jobs with parents,they work in the same filed and even office. When children encounter someobstacles and difficulties, their parents take no effect to give a hand tochildren but childrenwill lack ability to handle problems and thinking dependently[C17] . Children won’t bring up in the modern societythat the dominant philosophy nowadays is “young man finish tasks by themselves”.
[C18]


Generally speaking, taking into account of all these factors, I do stronglydisagree that children should do same jobs [C19] with parents. Nevertheless, in this day and age childrenchoose a right job by own ideal and values.[C20]



[C1]do


[C2]to choose


[C3]personal circumstances, personal details好像是指个人信息


[C4]a


[C5]加定冠词the


[C6]Different ages


[C7]And 什么？


[C8]Negative


[C9]The relationship


句子太长，不是很清楚这句话和那句话平行。如果是和 we have平行，建议在 and后加 that 。
[C10]the improving standard of living will enable people to acquirehigher education.


[C11]Taking


[C12]He is an illiterate person


[C13]An opportunity to attend school


[C14]Could get marry with


[C15]Brought up


[C16]Impoverished environment


[C17]原句似乎不平行
Children will lack the ability of handling problemsand thinking dependently [C17]


[C18]不太清楚原句的意思，不知这样改对不对
Children would less likely to grow up healthy in themodern society where the dominant philosophy nowadays is “young man finishtasks by themselves”.




[C19]The


[C20]Nevertheless,in this day and age children should be given the right to choose their future jobs.







总结：
1.语句间的衔接词用得不错
2.从句表达丰富，该有的基本都有了
3.连词使用也比较丰富

问题
1.有时会忘了写冠词。（我也有这个问题）
2.有些句子表达好像有问题。

总体挺不错的，从你的文章中还是学到了不少的。加油！

conanwang

Hi ，Yeeisstrong， 我今天占座迟了，没归队~T.T~
听队长说你也没分配好，能不能今天继续帮我改呢？

Yeeisstrong

没问题的，明天改呢~