kel 作文贴。。

婷婷connie

9.4综合修改
9.4 TPO9综合


The reading passage provides threeexplanations that the hydrogen-based fuel-cell engine will replace theinternal-combustion engine. The lecturer, however,这个位置放得很好~ holds on opposite view forthe fuel-cell engine has many disadvantages.


Firstly, hydrogen is not easily accessible.Although hydrogen can be produced by water and natural gas, it has to be usedas pure liquid state. This state is hard to produce and store artificiallybecause pure liquid hydrogen should be kept in rather cold condition, say, minus253 Celsius degree. Thus, it is not a substance that easy to get and use.


Secondly, the fuel-cell engine will notsolve the pollution problems. Even though the cars will not produce pollutedgas, the factories, which burn coals（coal跟后面的oil单复数一致） and oil to get energy for hydrogen fromwater and gas(这里为什么要提gas?), will produce（generate） pollution.


Finally, fuel-cell engines will not beeconomically(economic) since manufacturing these engines will contain a raw expensivematerial, platinum(帅，这个都听出来了~). Without this component, the mechanical reaction to get hydrogenwill not happen. However, trials using economical materials to produce hydrogen（貌似不是产生hydrogen，而是让它反应生成电，这点要注意一下）are all unsuccessful. Therefore, platinum is needed to manufacture theexpensive fuel-cell engines.



Conclusion：

1.简单，精炼~这点比婷婷做的好

2.第三点的细节还要再注意一下

3.整体上已经很好了，建议再提高语言哦

面具小姐

9.4 独立作文修改稿三
感谢兔兔发现我离题了~~
In this day and age, fierce competitions enlargethe effect of every minus decision. Thus, many leaders take the strategy to involveevery member in decision making in order to improve the accuracy of decisions.From my viewpoint, I cannot agree more.


With everyone in part of decision making,the solutions will be more comprehensive. People in different positions concernabout different aspects, therefore, the decision will be relatively perfectwith as many considerations as possible. For example, when the company iscollecting recommends from stuff, Officers will notice much more things aroundthe office than the security guards who focus more attention on the safetyprotection. The cleaner, however, will mostly suggest things about dirty placesin the building hall. Although these suggestions vary in aspects, they arebeneficial to employees’ working efficiency, directly or indirectly. Thus, thesesuggestions should all be taken into consideration when the leader is making adecision.


When members are taking part in decisiondiscussing, they can not only feel strong belongingness but learn a lot ofknowledge and experience. And if they make a proposal in the meeting which isconsidered great, they will feel confident and appreciate to the leaders andother members. Even though they do not propose anything, they can just listento and learn from others’ opinions. For example, there are many global conferencesin various fields every year, which involved a large amount of members. Noteveryone will address their opinions in the conference, however, they do learna lot by other’s speech. Hence, decision making can benefit both the companyand the employees in many ways beyond their imaginations.


Many efficient leaders will prefer to makedecisions on their own. In this way they may run the company in a good condition,but it will be bad for the future of the company for employees may be lazy laterand lack excitement as well as willingness to improve productivity.


Therefore, with so many merits, involvingeveryone in decision making will be a good strategy an efficient and wiseleader should follow.

小兔爱twins

In this day and age, fierce competitions en large the effect of every minus decision. （我没有读懂这句话额，，，）Thus, many leaders take the strategy to involve every member in decision making in order to improve the accuracy of decisions. From my viewpoint, I cannot agree more.（开头写因果+表达自己观点 这样写法蛮不错的~）


With everyone in part of decision making, the solutions will be more comprehensive. （可以用well-rounded来替换 你是要表达 全面的 这个意思吧 ）People in different positions concern about different aspects, therefore, the decision will be relatively perfect with as many considerations as possible. For example, when the company is collecting recommends from stuff, Officers will notice much more things around the office than the security guards who focus more attention on the safety protection. The cleaner, however, will mostly suggest things about dirty placesin the building hall. Although these suggestions vary in aspects, they are beneficial to employees’ working efficiency, directly or indirectly. （我不太清楚这边你用although让步的逻辑。。。 我觉得有说服的逻辑应该是 Suggestions from different perspectives are beneficial for working efficiency, directly or indirectly.）Thus, these suggestions should all be taken into consideration when the leader is making adecision.（看完第一个body感觉语言表述大部分无碍。。但是在逻辑上有点困乱 个人建议是 你能在写作前先列一个题干最好 让你自己清楚明白自己写作的逻辑 虽然托福不强调逻辑 但是 基本的逻辑我们还是做好能做到谨慎严密）


When members are taking part in decision discussing, they can not only feel strong belongingness but learn a lot ofknowledge and experience. And if they make a proposal in the meeting which isconsidered great, they will feel confident and appreciate to the leaders andother members. Even though they do not propose anything, they can just listento and learn from others’ opinions. For example, there are many global conferencesin various fields every year, which involved a large amount of members. Not everyone will address their opinions in the conference, however, they do learn a lot by other’s speech. Hence, decision making can benefit both the companyand the employees in many ways beyond their imaginations.  （你的主题句确实都点到 让每个人都感到他们参与到决策当中是一件好事 比如能增加归属感和获取更多经验， 但是你在论述展开时细节太薄弱。。逻辑不太经的起推敲。。还有结尾的总结 其实可以再跟主题靠近一点  ）

Many efficient leaders will prefer to makedecisions on their own. In this way they may run the company in a good condition,but it will be bad for the future of the company for employees may be lazy laterand lack excitement as well as willingness to improve productivity.


个人意见还是楼主在写作前列一个提纲