（原作业贴）923托福写作29，口语栽了，先奉上独立写作总结，1014后再回来！

Serena0710

关于这个速度和细节，我也是很头疼。。。我到现在还没有按时去练文章，都是想起来写一点。。。。比以前进步的时，现在写作文的时候不会手贱去查字典了。。。

jeffery2541

关于这个速度和细节，我也是很头疼。。。我到现在还没有按时去练文章，都是想起来写一点。。。。比以前进步的时，现在写作文的时候不会手贱去查字典了。。。

-- by 会员 Serena0710 (2012/8/22 8:58:47)

嗯嗯嗯~懂得啦~

jeffery2541

8月22日
Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently.
---
What is the best way for parents to educate their children? Perhaps different people have various answers for this question. However, a more difficult problem comes into light that to what extent should parents help their children doing their homework. Since the accomplishment of the homework is not the ultimate goal of the homework, I suggest that parents shouldn't help their children do their homework and instead let themselves try and experience.
First and foremost, the journey to the accomplishment of the homework is much more crucial than just the homework itself, and what the children have experienced during the course is where the significance of homework lies in. Obstacles are inevitable during the journey, and it is the obstacles that make children grow and gain a better grasp of the knowledge. If parents just help the children out, the homework will lose most of its significance. I remember that when I was just a little boy, I often got stuck by some difficult math problems, and I always reached to my parents for some kind of "assistance"---the answer. Fortunately, I got what I had expected, the answer, most of the time, but abandoned much of the thinking work about the problems I met. Consequently, I still couldn't figure out similar questions and couldn't got full grades in math. The problem is obvious that they helped me too much, and I relied on them too much, contributing to less improvement on academic performance. So, in order to avoid the negative effects on the children and let the homework work, parents should let their children do their work all by themselves.
Moreover, parents' excess inappropriate aids in the process of children doing their homework will most of time lead to children's bad habbits of relying on others and seeking for intrinsic help when encountering a relatively difficult problem. It is true that children need help with their homework, but it doesn't mean parents should always offer help. Sometimes parents should just encourage children to be independent and subtly lead them to believe that they can do it, because children are always prone to be frightened by the appearance of the problems that they actually can figure out. It is not deniable that parents will always come to offer unqualified help whenever their children confront difficulties, but help has many ways. Correct conducting is better than simple solution. As a result, parents should lead their parents to perform independently and thereby let the light of homework shine through the course.
So, why don't parents let the children do their homework independently and encourage them to be responsible for themselves? I would definitely do so, if I were a parent of children.
---
450 words; 6 typos, most missing letters

iwbabg

红色为改动，蓝色为建议，黄色为好的表达

What is the best way for parents to educate their children? Perhaps different people have various answers for this question. However, a more difficult problem comes into light that to what extent shouldparents should help their children doing (do) their homework. Since the accomplishment of the homework is not the ultimate goal of the homework, I suggest that parents shouldn't help their children do their homework and instead let their children try and experience.



First and foremost, the journey to the accomplishment of the homework is much more crucial than just the homework itself, and what the children have experienced during the course is where the significance of homework lies in. Obstacles are inevitable during the journey, and it is the obstacles that make children grow and gain a better grasp of the knowledge. If parents simply just help their children out, the homework will lose most of its significance. I remember that when I was just a little boy, I often got stuck by (on?) some difficult math problems, and I always reached to (reach to一般为达到，够得上，向家长求助可以为turn to parents for help) my parents for some kind of "assistance"---the answer. Fortunately, I got what I had expected, the answer, most of the time, but abandoned much of the thinking work (思考的过程觉得用thinking process更好一点) about the problems I met. Consequently, I still couldn't figure out similar questions and couldn't got (get) full grades (full credit) in math (觉得这个句子可以用could not receive full credit for math). The problem is obvious that they helped me too much, and I relied on them too much, contributing to less improvement on academic performance. So (so在句首一般用于口语，Hence), in order to avoid the negative effects on the children and let the homework work, parents should let their children do their work all by themselves.



Moreover, parents' excess and inappropriate aids in the process of children doing their homework will most of time lead to children's bad habbits(habits) of relying on others and seeking for intrinsic help when encountering a relatively difficult problem. It is true that children need help with their homework, but it doesn't mean parents should always offer help. Sometimes parents should just encourage children to be independent and subtly lead them to believe that they can do it, because children are always prone to be frightened by the appearance of the problems that they actually can figure out. It is not deniable (undeniable) that parents will always come to offer unqualified help whenever their children confront difficulties, but help has many ways. Correct conducting is better than a simple solution. As a result, parents should lead their parents (children) to perform independently and thereby let the light of homework shine through the course.



So (Therefore), why don't parents let the children do their homework independently and encourage them to be responsible for themselves? I would definitely do so, if I were a parent of children.



格式方面，如果每段顶格写，最好每段之间空一行。虽然个别部分表达有一点口语化，但是有不少句子表达的很好，个人觉得如果能在长句中穿插一点短句会使文章的节奏更有变化。还是觉得观点一和观点二有点接近。

jeffery2541

谢谢iwbabg同学的细心批改咯~
这个格式问题谢谢提醒咯~发上来之后发现格式不对了，再改就改不了了。
节奏感的问题很好，谢谢提醒咯~

今天有点事刚回来，你的批改随后奉上~

红色为改动，蓝色为建议，黄色为好的表达

What is the best way for parents to educate their children? Perhaps different people have various answers for this question. However, a more difficult problem comes into light that to what extent shouldparents should help their children doing (do) their homework. Since the accomplishment of the homework is not the ultimate goal of the homework, I suggest that parents shouldn't help their children do their homework and instead let their children try and experience.



First and foremost, the journey to the accomplishment of the homework is much more crucial than just the homework itself, and what the children have experienced during the course is where the significance of homework lies in. Obstacles are inevitable during the journey, and it is the obstacles that make children grow and gain a better grasp of the knowledge. If parents simply just help their children out, the homework will lose most of its significance. I remember that when I was just a little boy, I often got stuck by (on?) some difficult math problems, and I always reached to (reach to一般为达到，够得上，向家长求助可以为turn to parents for help) my parents for some kind of "assistance"---the answer. Fortunately, I got what I had expected, the answer, most of the time, but abandoned much of the thinking work (思考的过程觉得用thinking process更好一点) about the problems I met. Consequently, I still couldn't figure out similar questions and couldn't got (get) full grades (full credit) in math (觉得这个句子可以用could not receive full credit for math). The problem is obvious that they helped me too much, and I relied on them too much, contributing to less improvement on academic performance. So (so在句首一般用于口语，Hence), in order to avoid the negative effects on the children and let the homework work, parents should let their children do their work all by themselves.



Moreover, parents' excess and inappropriate aids in the process of children doing their homework will most of time lead to children's bad habbits(habits) of relying on others and seeking for intrinsic help when encountering a relatively difficult problem. It is true that children need help with their homework, but it doesn't mean parents should always offer help. Sometimes parents should just encourage children to be independent and subtly lead them to believe that they can do it, because children are always prone to be frightened by the appearance of the problems that they actually can figure out. It is not deniable (undeniable) that parents will always come to offer unqualified help whenever their children confront difficulties, but help has many ways. Correct conducting is better than a simple solution. As a result, parents should lead their parents (children) to perform independently and thereby let the light of homework shine through the course.



So (Therefore), why don't parents let the children do their homework independently and encourage them to be responsible for themselves? I would definitely do so, if I were a parent of children.



格式方面，如果每段顶格写，最好每段之间空一行。虽然个别部分表达有一点口语化，但是有不少句子表达的很好，个人觉得如果能在长句中穿插一点短句会使文章的节奏更有变化。还是觉得观点一和观点二有点接近。

-- by 会员 iwbabg (2012/8/23 12:10:17)

jeffery2541

8月23日
For future career success, is relating well to other people more important than studying hard at school?
---
Future career success is perhaps the goal of most promising students. They are absorbed in studying at school to accumulate power for reaching the goal. However, turning the knowledge into success is not just about studying it hard. The skill of relating well to people, a more crucial one, is certainly required. Personally, I assert that relating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.

First and foremost, relating well to other people is essential for task to be done. As long as you want to achieve success in your career, you'd better be serious with every task that has been assigned to you. Not only should you accomplish them on time, but a higher quality is also demanded by your supervisors. Admittedly, certain knowledge that you have leaned at school is required, but in practice, the accomplishment of tasks is not all about using the knowledge. Relating well to people carries more weight than knowledge. For example, you are assigned to write a report about how the employees in your company think about the new policy that forbids faculty using cell phones during office hours. Certainly, the knowledge of how to conduct a survey is needed, but if you can't relate well to other people, other employees will not be frank to express their true opinions, or more pathetically you can't even find enough samples to prove the results of the survey, thereby disappointing your boss. You will surely feel a sense of failure and probably not get promoted. This is merely the easiest assignment you will confront, but the significance of relating to other people is obvious.

Moreover, even though studying hard at school is necessary for people to obtain enough professional knowledge about certain future career, it is the via relating well to other people that turn such knowledge useful and make such knowledge worthy, and relating well to other people is one important step towards performing cooperatively and the symbol of teamwork. As we all can see, people with good knowledge are prone to be much more independent and overly confident about themselves, leading to less communication with others and more arbitrary decisions. Once such people have presumed such behavior, they will face a not very satisfying outcome or even a total failure. Such is mostly being seen during the decision-making process. If one manager is the kind of person I described previously, he will surely miss significant information that could have been acquired through relating well to others and talk to them, and fail to consider compelling factors that may affect the issue. Thus, such decisions without careful examination will directly lead to negative results that they can't even imagine. The success of career is disappearing along with the rude decision.

Generally, to achieve future success, we'd better master the skill of relating well to others so that we can work cooperatively to make full use of our knowledge, since success is based on studying hard but accumulates with the cooperation of people you are relating well to.
---
507 words; 7 typos (always missing letters)

jeffery2541

8月24日
Movies and television have more negative effects than positive effects on the way young people behave.
---
Do you have ever seen a child lying in the couch, watching TV all day long and eating junk food at the same time? The picture is quite different from what we have expected: children are playing outside with fellows after finishing their homework. It is true that movies and television are not just way of entertainment but also certain approach for children to absorb information and knowledge. However, because of the bad self-discipline of children, both mental and physical problems brought by movies and television undoubtedly outweigh the merits brought by them.

First and foremost, certain content in the movies and programs on TV will surely have mentally negative effects on children. For example, some plots in the movie in relation to crime and violence may lead children to perform similar behaviors. Since curiosity is a key momentum of children to try new things, but correct judgment is obviously what the children cannot make before they try them. Thus children tend to imitate whatever they have watched and consequently do harm to others. More importantly, as long as children are attracted and become addicted to movies and televisions, the time children need to do their homework or play around with fellows will be squeezed out by such addiction. Lacking the time, there is no guarantee for good academic performance and such children will become isolated or even develop mental diseases.

Moreover, the more children watch movies and television, the less they want to be involved in exercise and the more they rely on junk food. I remember when I was just a little boy, I liked to watching movies and television very much and I spent a bunch of time watching TV and consumed much junk food. Even though I felt good about watching TV and eat junk food when I was doing it, the problem came latter that I had became fatter and fatter and gradually I couldn’t even climb up 5 floors to get home. My parents were so worried about my health and decided to forbid me watching TV and urge to me do morning exercises. With almost a whole year's successive exercise, I ultimately became fit again. When I regained my health, I thought that luckily I didn't impair my eye sight. My experience convinced me of the harm of watching TV and the significance of exercise. Even though I've learned much through TV, I still hold the opinion that children shouldn't watch TV excessively and gain knowledge via other approaches. People always regret about something harmful they have done, but preventing children from accumulating to bad health is certainly not one of them, since we already the harm and we just need to warn the children and keep an eye on them.

All in all, watching movies and television may bring knowledge and certain joy to children, but it is because of the nature of children that such joy can turn out to be some kind of sadness. The little knowledge obtained definitely can't make up the harm.
---
501 words; more typos than before

freddychan

Future career success is perhaps the goalof most promising students. They are absorbed in studying at school toaccumulate power for reaching the goal. However, turning the knowledge intosuccess is not just about studying it hard. The skill of relating well topeople, a more crucial one, is certainly required. Personally, I assert thatrelating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.
First and foremost, relating well to other people is essential for task to bedone. As long as you want to achieve success in your career, you'd better beserious with every task that has been（删掉这个表达更好点吧） assigned to you. Not only should you accomplish them on time, but ahigher quality is also demanded by your supervisors. Admittedly, certainknowledge that you have leaned at school is required，（；） but in practice, the accomplishment of tasks is not all about usingthe knowledge. Relating well to people carries more weight than knowledge. Forexample, you are assigned to write a report about how the employees in yourcompany think about the new policy that forbids faculty using cell phonesduring office hours. Certainly, the knowledge of how to conduct a survey isneeded, but if you can't relate well to other people, other employees will notbe frank to express their true opinions, or more pathetically you can't evenfind enough samples to prove the results of the survey, thereby disappointingyour boss. You will surely feel a sense of failure and probably not getpromoted. This is merely the easiest assignment you will confront, but thesignificance of relating to other people is obvious.
Moreover, even though studying hard at school is necessary for people to obtainenough professional knowledge about certain future career, it is the viarelating well to other people that turn such knowledge useful and make suchknowledge worthy, and relating well to other people is one important steptowards performing cooperatively and the symbol of teamwork. As we all can see,people with good knowledge are prone to be much more independent and overlyconfident about themselves, leading to less communication with others and morearbitrary decisions. Once such people have presumed such behavior, they willface a not very satisfying outcome or even a total failure. Such is mostlybeing seen during the decision-making process. If one manager is the kind ofperson I described previously, he will surely miss significant information thatcould have been acquired through relating well to others and talk to them, andfail to consider compelling factors that may affect the issue. Thus, suchdecisions without careful examination will directly lead to negative resultsthat they can't even imagine. The success of career is disappearing along withthe rude decision.
Generally, to achieve future success, we'd better master the skill of relatingwell to others so that we can work cooperatively to make full use of ourknowledge, since success is based on studying hardbut accumulates with the cooperation of people you are relating well to.(你想表达两者都要还是只需要accumulates,前者的话应该not only, but also， 后者的话也应该是not… but..)
楼主写的很好，结构清晰，错误很少，有些表达很精妙，有些我也不太清楚这样的表达是否合适，我都是通过中文来揣测意思，我水平有限，可能无法提供过多帮助，楼主可以请其他大牛来帮忙看看~~抱歉了~~
楼主加油哈~~

jeffery2541

Thanks anyway! 我们都是在学习的，要是都是大牛就不用这样练啦。

Future career success is perhaps the goalof most promising students. They are absorbed in studying at school toaccumulate power for reaching the goal. However, turning the knowledge intosuccess is not just about studying it hard. The skill of relating well topeople, a more crucial one, is certainly required. Personally, I assert thatrelating well to other people is more important than studying hard at school.
First and foremost, relating well to other people is essential for task to bedone. As long as you want to achieve success in your career, you'd better beserious with every task that has been（删掉这个表达更好点吧） assigned to you. Not only should you accomplish them on time, but ahigher quality is also demanded by your supervisors. Admittedly, certainknowledge that you have leaned at school is required，（；） but in practice, the accomplishment of tasks is not all about usingthe knowledge. Relating well to people carries more weight than knowledge. Forexample, you are assigned to write a report about how the employees in yourcompany think about the new policy that forbids faculty using cell phonesduring office hours. Certainly, the knowledge of how to conduct a survey isneeded, but if you can't relate well to other people, other employees will notbe frank to express their true opinions, or more pathetically you can't evenfind enough samples to prove the results of the survey, thereby disappointingyour boss. You will surely feel a sense of failure and probably not getpromoted. This is merely the easiest assignment you will confront, but thesignificance of relating to other people is obvious.
Moreover, even though studying hard at school is necessary for people to obtainenough professional knowledge about certain future career, it is the viarelating well to other people that turn such knowledge useful and make suchknowledge worthy, and relating well to other people is one important steptowards performing cooperatively and the symbol of teamwork. As we all can see,people with good knowledge are prone to be much more independent and overlyconfident about themselves, leading to less communication with others and morearbitrary decisions. Once such people have presumed such behavior, they willface a not very satisfying outcome or even a total failure. Such is mostlybeing seen during the decision-making process. If one manager is the kind ofperson I described previously, he will surely miss significant information thatcould have been acquired through relating well to others and talk to them, andfail to consider compelling factors that may affect the issue. Thus, suchdecisions without careful examination will directly lead to negative resultsthat they can't even imagine. The success of career is disappearing along withthe rude decision.
Generally, to achieve future success, we'd better master the skill of relatingwell to others so that we can work cooperatively to make full use of ourknowledge, since success is based on studying hardbut accumulates with the cooperation of people you are relating well to.(你想表达两者都要还是只需要accumulates,前者的话应该not only, but also，后者的话也应该是not… but..)
楼主写的很好，结构清晰，错误很少，有些表达很精妙，有些我也不太清楚这样的表达是否合适，我都是通过中文来揣测意思，我水平有限，可能无法提供过多帮助，楼主可以请其他大牛来帮忙看看~~抱歉了~~
楼主加油哈~~

-- by 会员 freddychan (2012/8/24 18:02:21)

iwbabg

Do you have (Have you) ever seen a child lying in the couch, watching TV all day long and eating junk food at the same time? The picture is quite different from what we have expected: children are playing outside with fellows after finishing their homework. It is true that movies and television are not just a way of entertainment but also an approach for children to absorb information and knowledge. However, because of the bad self-discipline of children, both mental and physical problems brought by movies and television undoubtedly outweigh the merits brought by them.

First and foremost, certain contents in the movies and programs on TV will surely have mentallynegative (mental) effects on children. For example, some plots in the movie in relation to (depicting) crime and violence may lead children to perform similar behaviors. Since curiosity is the key momentum (不可数名词) of children to try new things, but correct judgment is obviously what the children cannot make before they try them (觉得指代有点容易让人误解). Thus children tend to imitate whatever they have watched and consequently do harm to others. More importantly, as long as children are attracted and become addicted to movies and televisions, the time children need to do their homework or play around with fellows will be squeezed out by such addiction. Lacking the time, there is no guarantee for good academic performance and such children will become isolated or even develop mental diseases. (isolated or mental diseases 在前面的例子里没有提到，有点突然)

Moreover, the more children watch movies and television, the less they want to be involved in exercise and the more they rely on junk food. I remember when When I was just a little boy, I liked to watching movies and television very much and I spent a whole bunch of time watching TV and consumed much junk food. Even though I felt good about watching TV and eating junk food when I was doing it, the problem came latter (later) that I had became fatter and fatter and gradually I couldn’t even climb up 5 floors to get home. My parents were so worried about my health and decided to forbid me watching TV and urge (me) to me do morning exercises. With almost a whole year's successive exercise, I ultimately (eventually) became fit again. When I regained my health, I thought that luckily I didn't impair my eye sight. My experience convinced me of the harm of watching TV and the significance of exercise. Even though I've learned much through TV, I still hold the opinion that children shouldn't watch TV excessively and gain (but gaining) knowledge via other approaches. People always regret about something harmful they have done, but preventing children from accumulating to bad health is certainly not one of them(这句话有点奇怪), since (. Since)we already the harm (got harmed), we need to warn the children and keep an eye on them.

All in all, watching movies and television may bring knowledge and certain joy to children, but it is because of the nature of children that such joy can turn out to be some kind of sadness. The little knowledge (几乎没有知识?和上文获得了一些知识有点矛盾) obtained definitely can't make up the harm.

文章开头用问句是个不错的方法。观点很明确，俩个分论点照应手段的两个方面。部分句子个人觉得有点奇怪，或者可以再斟酌一下。