（原作业贴）923托福写作29，口语栽了，先奉上独立写作总结，1014后再回来！

jeffery2541

嘿嘿~~太谢谢啦！一觉醒来就看到啦~

那个background我用错了，其实我是想表达背影的，刚才又查了一下，可以是view of his back。
那个in the good way我是想说在好的方面，至于是the还是a当时我也犹豫了一下，不过感觉我写the能强调一下是好的方面不是不好的方面。
那些主谓一致错的好白痴啊~~~

还有那个关于结构的建议，我怎么看不到啊？

9.1  独立修改
蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议
Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background[是不是想说总统这个身份？是的话，这个词不是很适当，用identity 之类的可能还好点，仅供参考哈] for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way[有这种用法么，好像有 in a good way可以讨论下],than be like others.【挺好的，立场明确】

First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has[注意时态]unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career,[and] his agent [was] worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth[这里是不是应该用tooth？]where it belonged and didn't fix [it]. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do[does] help you more to be successful.

Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have[has] seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.

To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating.[这个总结非常好，感觉上建议replicating 等这几个动词改用名词形式。]  

【这篇文章立场明确，结构很清晰，每一段都有例子来论证自己的观点，非常好。用词也非常好，如果有些词像 can、you’d better do 之类的再多换另一些词就更好了，学习了。还要注意的就是一些简单的语法问题，主谓一致之类的。还有，从这篇文章的结构上来说，建议有第三点。
有问题可以来找我讨论o~~】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 13:24:43)

白冬冬

感觉Jeffery作文很不错哦~
加油加油~~！

ykhjy

哈哈，原来如此。关于结构，我的意思是整篇文章来看，一般都有1、2、3，三个point，其实你写的这俩段的确已经挺好了，加个第三段只是觉得更完整。

嘿嘿~~太谢谢啦！一觉醒来就看到啦~

那个background我用错了，其实我是想表达背影的，刚才又查了一下，可以是view of his back。
那个in the good way我是想说在好的方面，至于是the还是a当时我也犹豫了一下，不过感觉我写the能强调一下是好的方面不是不好的方面。
那些主谓一致错的好白痴啊~~~

还有那个关于结构的建议，我怎么看不到啊？

9.1  独立修改
蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议
Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background[是不是想说总统这个身份？是的话，这个词不是很适当，用identity 之类的可能还好点，仅供参考哈] for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way[有这种用法么，好像有 in a good way可以讨论下],than be like others.【挺好的，立场明确】

First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has[注意时态]unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career,[and] his agent [was] worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth[这里是不是应该用tooth？]where it belonged and didn't fix [it]. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do[does] help you more to be successful.

Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have[has] seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.

To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating.[这个总结非常好，感觉上建议replicating 等这几个动词改用名词形式。]  

【这篇文章立场明确，结构很清晰，每一段都有例子来论证自己的观点，非常好。用词也非常好，如果有些词像 can、you’d better do 之类的再多换另一些词就更好了，学习了。还要注意的就是一些简单的语法问题，主谓一致之类的。还有，从这篇文章的结构上来说，建议有第三点。
有问题可以来找我讨论o~~】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 13:24:43)

-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/9/2 13:48:25)

jeffery2541

嗯嗯~这样啊~我其实是没时间写了，最近总是subpoint形成障碍，也只想出了两点~还是谢谢指正啦~

哈哈，原来如此。关于结构，我的意思是整篇文章来看，一般都有1、2、3，三个point，其实你写的这俩段的确已经挺好了，加个第三段只是觉得更完整。

嘿嘿~~太谢谢啦！一觉醒来就看到啦~

那个background我用错了，其实我是想表达背影的，刚才又查了一下，可以是view of his back。
那个in the good way我是想说在好的方面，至于是the还是a当时我也犹豫了一下，不过感觉我写the能强调一下是好的方面不是不好的方面。
那些主谓一致错的好白痴啊~~~

还有那个关于结构的建议，我怎么看不到啊？

9.1  独立修改
蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议
Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background[是不是想说总统这个身份？是的话，这个词不是很适当，用identity 之类的可能还好点，仅供参考哈] for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way[有这种用法么，好像有 in a good way可以讨论下],than be like others.【挺好的，立场明确】

First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has[注意时态]unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career,[and] his agent [was] worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth[这里是不是应该用tooth？]where it belonged and didn't fix [it]. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do[does] help you more to be successful.

Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have[has] seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.

To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating.[这个总结非常好，感觉上建议replicating 等这几个动词改用名词形式。]  

【这篇文章立场明确，结构很清晰，每一段都有例子来论证自己的观点，非常好。用词也非常好，如果有些词像 can、you’d better do 之类的再多换另一些词就更好了，学习了。还要注意的就是一些简单的语法问题，主谓一致之类的。还有，从这篇文章的结构上来说，建议有第三点。
有问题可以来找我讨论o~~】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 13:24:43)

-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/9/2 13:48:25)

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/9/2 16:12:46)

jeffery2541

感觉Jeffery作文很不错哦~
加油加油~~！

-- by 会员 白冬冬 (2012/9/2 14:10:25)

谢谢夸奖哦~
还是需要更加努力呢~

zyq19911205

弱弱的问一下~你是在30分钟内写了500多字的么~膜拜一下~我撑死写到350啊·······

jeffery2541

弱弱的问一下~你是在30分钟内写了500多字的么~膜拜一下~我撑死写到350啊·······

-- by 会员 zyq19911205 (2012/9/3 0:30:32)

嘿嘿~写不到的呢~平时练习时间卡的不紧，基本上如果写三个论点就写不完，两个就能，400字左右吧~

jeffery2541

katrinac621

upup！！！！！！！！！！

jeffery2541

弱弱的问一下~你是在30分钟内写了500多字的么~膜拜一下~我撑死写到350啊·······

-- by 会员 zyq19911205 (2012/9/3 0:30:32)

我923的独立写作写了536词。。。。