（原作业贴）923托福写作29，口语栽了，先奉上独立写作总结，1014后再回来！

jeffery2541

Do you have (Have you) ever seen a child lying in the couch, watching TV all day long and eating junk food at the same time? The picture is quite different from what we have expected: children are playing outside with fellows after finishing their homework. It is true that movies and television are not just a way of entertainment but also an approach for children to absorb information and knowledge. However, because of the bad self-discipline of children, both mental and physical problems brought by movies and television undoubtedly outweigh the merits brought by them.

First and foremost, certain contents in the movies and programs on TV will surely have mentallynegative (mental) effects on children. For example, some plots in the movie in relation to (depicting) crime and violence may lead children to perform similar behaviors. Since curiosity is the key momentum (不可数名词) of children to try new things, but correct judgment is obviously what the children cannot make before they try them (觉得指代有点容易让人误解). Thus children tend to imitate whatever they have watched and consequently do harm to others. More importantly, as long as children are attracted and become addicted to movies and televisions, the time children need to do their homework or play around with fellows will be squeezed out by such addiction. Lacking the time, there is no guarantee for good academic performance and such children will become isolated or even develop mental diseases. (isolated or mental diseases 在前面的例子里没有提到，有点突然)

Moreover, the more children watch movies and television, the less they want to be involved in exercise and the more they rely on junk food. I remember when When I was just a little boy, I liked to watching movies and television very much and I spent a whole bunch of time watching TV and consumed much junk food. Even though I felt good about watching TV and eating junk food when I was doing it, the problem came latter (later) that I had became fatter and fatter and gradually I couldn’t even climb up 5 floors to get home. My parents were so worried about my health and decided to forbid me watching TV and urge (me) to me do morning exercises. With almost a whole year's successive exercise, I ultimately (eventually) became fit again. When I regained my health, I thought that luckily I didn't impair my eye sight. My experience convinced me of the harm of watching TV and the significance of exercise. Even though I've learned much through TV, I still hold the opinion that children shouldn't watch TV excessively and gain (but gaining) knowledge via other approaches. People always regret about something harmful they have done, but preventing children from accumulating to bad health is certainly not one of them(这句话有点奇怪), since (. Since)we already the harm (got harmed), we need to warn the children and keep an eye on them.

All in all, watching movies and television may bring knowledge and certain joy to children, but it is because of the nature of children that such joy can turn out to be some kind of sadness. The little knowledge (几乎没有知识?和上文获得了一些知识有点矛盾) obtained definitely can't make up the harm.

文章开头用问句是个不错的方法。观点很明确，俩个分论点照应手段的两个方面。部分句子个人觉得有点奇怪，或者可以再斟酌一下。

-- by 会员 iwbabg (2012/8/25 10:52:07)

我发现自己写的时候完全没有意思到句子很别扭，可后来一读就发现了，还是不是英语的思维啊~以后再加强啦！

jeffery2541

We can know a person from the type of friends that he has. Agree or disagree?
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People are social animals. Thus we need friends. The fact is that different people have different friends and one person may have various kinds of friends. Since we make friends out of various reasons and based on different reasons we make various kinds of friends, we can hardly know a person from the type of friends that he has. People will surely have different kinds of friends who can meet different kinds of need of them.

First and foremost, people need friends to help us relieve pressure. Everyone in the world get upset, stressed or unhappy every now and then. It is true that if we don't find a way to let go the negative emotions, we will live a uncomfortable life that seems to be the end of everything. Talking with friends who can understand us or who can just listen to whatever we have poured to them is a prevalent way to handle such negative emotions. Such friends may not have a similar characteristic, but they surely will help us release pressure somehow. For example, if you have a outgoing and humorous friend, he will probably turn you to the positive light and make you see the wonderfulness of life by firstly telling jokes to drive away the bad feelings. Or perhaps you have a friend who are not talkative but can listen to anything buried deep down in your heart and offer the most precious thing--- understanding, thus you will feel much relieved all the same. As you can see, different types of friends offer distinct kinds of comfort. Consequently, you can't know a person from the friends who can comfort him.

Moreover, people need friends who share the identical interest. People have all types of interests, some of them perhaps prefer playing chess, others fond of basketball. It is undeniable that people with different interests tend to be alike in character, but it is not always true. Perhaps when you hear about someone playing chess, you will come up with a picture that he sits there still with a hand supporting his chin and eyes fixating on the chess and think he must be a quiet guy. However, it is always not the whole story. He probably appears to be so because he is playing chess, and when he leaves the table, he could be as passionate and lively as the guys who are playing football. Likewise, we can't always say that a guy who is into playing football is loud and passionate. Let me put more straightforwrd, the interest of someone is not a definite indicator of his character, and consequently people who share the same interest don't necessarily have the identical character. As a result, we can hardly know a person from the friends who share the same interest with him.

As you can go along the line of reasoning I have presented above, we can learn that people need friends for immense number of reasons and not all the reasons have something to do with people's characters. Furthermore, the reason why two people become friends can also be various. Perhaps the two just happened to have lunch in the same restaurant and helped each other once in a while, which doesn't mean they are like each other in character. As a result, it is absolutely not wise to try to know a person from the type of friends he has.

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567 words; almost 10 typos with no same mistake appearing twice or more

追梦CY

改了一篇作文 相互交流

jeffery2541

改了一篇作文 相互交流

-- by 会员 追梦CY (2012/8/28 10:56:11)

嗯嗯~
十分感谢帮我批改作文哦~
你提到的问题我都明白了，关于长句的问题，我都是下意识的写出来了，可能写的时候比较紧，也没有太多注意这个问题，自己回来读的时候也注意到了，长句写的不好，表达并没有效果；还有一个例子的问题，我也知道了，其实我是直接开始写作文的，都已经一年没写过了，好多需要注意的地方都淡忘了，这么一练习问题就暴露出来的，谢谢提醒。

对了，如果你有时间，简单阅读以下我的827的独立吧~我就想看看有没有变化，不用帮我批改，就读一下，看看有没有变化吧~
我这两天在整以前的作文笔记，整理好就分享一下，我感觉很好~

还是谢谢你~

sherryzhangh

We can know a person from the type of friends that he has. Agree or disagree?
------

People are social animals. Thus we need friends. The fact is that different people have different friends and one person may have various kinds of friends. Since we make friends out of various reasons and based on different reasons we make various kinds of friends, we can hardly know a person from the type of friends that he has. People will surely have different kinds of friends who can meet different kinds of needforof them.

First and foremost, people need friends to help us relieve pressure. Everyone in the world get upset, stressed or unhappy every now and then. It is true that if we don't find a way to let go the negative emotions, we will live an uncomfortable life that seems to be the end of everything. Talking with friends who can understand us or who can just listen to whatever we have poured to them is a prevalent way to handle such negative emotions. Such friends may not have a similar characteristic, but they surely will help us release pressure somehow. For example, if you have an outgoing and humorous friend, he will probably turn you to the positive light and make you see the wonderfulness of life by firstly telling jokes to drive away the bad feelings. Or perhaps you have a friend who are not talkative but can listen to anything buried deep down in your heart and offer the most precious thing--- understanding, thus you will feel much relieved all the same( 感觉这句话太长了，这个all the same 是仍然的意思吗？这句话是什么意思呢？). As you can see, different types of friends offer distinct kinds of comfort. Consequently, you can't know a person from the friends who can comfort him. （这个有必然的因果关系吗？这个人的朋友们的安慰方式不同，所以我们就不能通过他的朋友了解这个个人？）

Moreover, people need friends who share the identical( identical 是一模一样的东西，基本上就是99.999%的相似性，比方说双胞胎。用在这个人感觉不合适) resemblance interest. People have all types of various interests; some of them perhaps prefer playing chess, others fond of basketball. It is undeniable that people with different interests tend to be alike in character, but it is not always true. Perhaps when you hear about someone playing chess, you will come up with a picture that he sits there still with a hand supporting his chin and eyes fixating on the chess and think he must be a quiet guy. However, it is always not the whole story. He probably appears to be so because he is playing chess, and when he leaves the table, he could be as passionate and lively as the guys who are playing football. Likewise, we can't always say that a guy who is into playing football is loud and passionate. Let me put more straightforward, the interest of someone is not a definite indicator of his character, and consequently people who share the same interest don't necessarily have the identical character. As a result, we can hardly know a person from the friends who share the same interest with him.

As you can go along the line of reasoning I have presented above, we can learn that people need friends for immense number of reasons and not all the reasons have something to do with people's characters. Furthermore, the reason why two people become friends can also be various. Perhaps the two just happened to have lunch in the same restaurant and helped each other once in a while, which doesn't mean they are like each other in character. As a result, it is absolutely not wise to try to know a person from the type of friends he has.
童鞋底子很不错，挑不出什么语法错误

就是a 和an 的用法要注意，元音和非元音之间的区别。

托福虽然不看逻辑，但是会看到论证论据是不是有利吧。第一段还是圆的稍微差一点。
加油!!
------

jeffery2541

嗯嗯嗯嗯嗯~谢谢啦~
一定吸取经验教训，再接再厉！
你的批改随后就到哦~

We can know a person from the type of friends that he has. Agree or disagree?
------

People are social animals. Thus we need friends. The fact is that different people have different friends and one person may have various kinds of friends. Since we make friends out of various reasons and based on different reasons we make various kinds of friends, we can hardly know a person from the type of friends that he has. People will surely have different kinds of friends who can meet different kinds of needforof them.

First and foremost, people need friends to help us relieve pressure. Everyone in the world get upset, stressed or unhappy every now and then. It is true that if we don't find a way to let go the negative emotions, we will live an uncomfortable life that seems to be the end of everything. Talking with friends who can understand us or who can just listen to whatever we have poured to them is a prevalent way to handle such negative emotions. Such friends may not have a similar characteristic, but they surely will help us release pressure somehow. For example, if you have an outgoing and humorous friend, he will probably turn you to the positive light and make you see the wonderfulness of life by firstly telling jokes to drive away the bad feelings. Or perhaps you have a friend who are not talkative but can listen to anything buried deep down in your heart and offer the most precious thing--- understanding, thus you will feel much relieved all the same( 感觉这句话太长了，这个all the same 是仍然的意思吗？这句话是什么意思呢？). As you can see, different types of friends offer distinct kinds of comfort. Consequently, you can't know a person from the friends who can comfort him. （这个有必然的因果关系吗？这个人的朋友们的安慰方式不同，所以我们就不能通过他的朋友了解这个个人？）

Moreover, people need friends who share the identical( identical 是一模一样的东西，基本上就是99.999%的相似性，比方说双胞胎。用在这个人感觉不合适) resemblance interest. People have all types of various interests; some of them perhaps prefer playing chess, others fond of basketball. It is undeniable that people with different interests tend to be alike in character, but it is not always true. Perhaps when you hear about someone playing chess, you will come up with a picture that he sits there still with a hand supporting his chin and eyes fixating on the chess and think he must be a quiet guy. However, it is always not the whole story. He probably appears to be so because he is playing chess, and when he leaves the table, he could be as passionate and lively as the guys who are playing football. Likewise, we can't always say that a guy who is into playing football is loud and passionate. Let me put more straightforward, the interest of someone is not a definite indicator of his character, and consequently people who share the same interest don't necessarily have the identical character. As a result, we can hardly know a person from the friends who share the same interest with him.

As you can go along the line of reasoning I have presented above, we can learn that people need friends for immense number of reasons and not all the reasons have something to do with people's characters. Furthermore, the reason why two people become friends can also be various. Perhaps the two just happened to have lunch in the same restaurant and helped each other once in a while, which doesn't mean they are like each other in character. As a result, it is absolutely not wise to try to know a person from the type of friends he has.
童鞋底子很不错，挑不出什么语法错误

就是a 和an 的用法要注意，元音和非元音之间的区别。

托福虽然不看逻辑，但是会看到论证论据是不是有利吧。第一段还是圆的稍微差一点。
加油!!
------

-- by 会员 sherryzhangh (2012/8/28 13:04:31)

追梦CY

感觉看得很痛苦 都没有错误 但是可能是想表达的意思太丰富了 句子写的特别拧巴
我给你一个不是特别好的建议 就是你找一个长句 然后用那个自动翻译的软件翻译成中文 你看一看是不是特别难理解就行了
虽然那种软件翻译的有很多地方可能不对 但是我觉得这个能一眼看出来你的从句什么的用的到底是好是坏
还有就是有点中式思维 简化一下试试吧

追梦CY

只改了一半 不好意思啊
你可以再改改再交流

jeffery2541

Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way, than be like others.

First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career, his agent worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth where it belonged and didn't fix. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do help you more to be successful.

Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.

To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating.  
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479 words

ykhjy

9.1  独立修改
蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议
Successful persons are somehow unique, and we can easily tell them from ordinary people. Every time we see president Obama on TV, we can recognize him from even his background [是不是想说总统这个身份？是的话，这个词不是很适当，用identity 之类的可能还好点，仅供参考哈] for his appropriate behavior. Even though he is like hundreds of Yale graduates, it is his distinctions that make him a successful president. Thus, if you want to succeed, you'd better be more different from others, in the good way [有这种用法么，好像有 in a good way可以讨论下],than be like others.【挺好的，立场明确】

First and foremost, being different from others means having a unique vision. A different vision directly leads to a different result. What you can see through the facts decides what you do about them. A unique vision is definitely of great help for you to be successful. In a particular situation, success means the ability to solve the problems that others can't solve. Always, the solution comes right after what you've seen through the unique vision. I still remember that my favorite comedian Jim Carrey has [注意时态]unfortunately broke one of his teeth in the middle into half in an car accident. For an actor, such damage to his appearance will certainly affect his acting career,[and] his agent [was] worried about this and his fans also concerned about him. However, he ultimately decided to keep the half teeth [这里是不是应该用tooth？]where it belonged and didn't fix [it]. What he saw from the accident and the half teeth is purely a chance for his career to take off again, because he considered the half teeth was rightly what a comedian needed, thus adding more fun to his movie and pushing his career to a new height. Conclusively, having a unique vision do[does] help you more to be successful.

Moreover, being distinct from others denotes thinking more about the world around us to find the buried chances leading you towards success. If you want to be successful, you'd better be familiar with the world you are dealing with. Our world is full of possibilities, but most of them are buried not under the ground but under the words of empiricists. If you want to know something about the world, asking for others' opinions is a choice, but to discover by yourself can work out a more suitable result. Back in the history, Marco Polo set on a journey to ancient China to see what on earth the other part of the world was rather than just heard about the folktales about the magic east. He is successful in that he have [has] seen a different world and brought spice, silk, china and most importantly noodles back to Europe, which has considerably changed Europeans' way of life. If he just stayed at home instead, he would never make a successful voyager.

To sum up, success calls for uniqueness of vision and behavior. Being similar to most people can only make you equally normal. Success is not about replicating and copying but creating and innovating. [这个总结非常好，感觉上建议replicating 等这几个动词改用名词形式。]  

【这篇文章立场明确，结构很清晰，每一段都有例子来论证自己的观点，非常好。用词也非常好，如果有些词像 can、you’d better do 之类的再多换另一些词就更好了，学习了。还要注意的就是一些简单的语法问题，主谓一致之类的。还有，从这篇文章的结构上来说，建议有第三点。
                              有问题可以来找我讨论o~~】