（原作业贴）923托福写作29，口语栽了，先奉上独立写作总结，1014后再回来！

jeffery2541

大后天考G，来分享点东西，希望可以帮到大家。
下面是我的一个写作笔记~积极回复哈~


关于独立写作的所有内容都在这个文档中了，只是一个框架，羽毛需要大家自己来丰满。




最后再说一个最深的体会，写作要不断地refine！可以写的不多，但是一定要琢磨，写的精。
XDJM加油！



























8月19日

Do you agree or dis agree, the way a person dressed is a good indication of his/her personality or charactor?

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Have you ever seen some guy dressing in some smart suit and felt he is so optimistic? Have you ever met someone in the street wearing a dirty shirt that seems to be worn for years and wondered he must be very lazy and have a room in mass. I suppose you have and I always felt this way. Even though I can't judge a person from his/her appearance, I still can get to know something about his/her personality from what I've seen. So, I totally agree that the way a person dressed is a good indication of one's personality.

First and foremost, the appearance of people is how they perceive themselves, how they perceive life and how they perceive the world around them. A passionate person tends to dress himself with colorful clothes, cause he thinks that colorful clothes denote his personality and that he just don't want to be overlooked by the world. Obviously, we may meet one person with colorful clothes and feel his passion the moment we see him. On the contrary, if a person is always sad and gloom, and feel disappointed about the life he is living, chances are that he will never wear anything colorful and instead will wear some dark-colored clothes most of the time. As we can judge most of the time, people dressed such way may have a personality more negative. Since the way you perceive the life and the world help you develop various personalities, and the personality directly affects the way you dress yourself, I can simply learn about your personality by the way you dress yourself.

Moreover, the way how people dress themselves is the way how people tell others about themselves. Since most of us cannot always get a chance to go out for coffee and talk with each other about each other' personality, we simply obtain something about others' personality through what we see at the sight. As for officers, they want to be outstanding at work, so they just wear shirt and tie everyday, showing that they are professional and ready and also able to handle any tasks that have been handed over to them. Likewise, the actress always dress themselves with most newly designed fashions and shiny accessories by which they want to show the audiences that they care about the feelings of audiences and they want to be well prepared to perform perfectly. So, how you dress indicates what you want to show others about yourselves.

Last but not the least, the way people dress themselves contains crucial information they want express to others, and people care about the quality of information delivered to others. Since people with different personalities find distinct styles of clothes to match the information they wants to deliver, we receive various information rightly in accordance with their personalities. Whenever you see a police officer, he must be dressed with clean and tidy uniforms without any wrinkles, because he want you to receive the information he has delivered that he is serious and cautious about his job and ready to fight against any crimes. Totally, he wants to claim with what he dresses that he is the man of justice.

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532 words ；6 typos

超级无敌小鹤鹤

请在小分队占座，以便帮你安排同学互改

jeffery2541

请在小分队占座，以便帮你安排同学互改

-- by 会员 超级无敌小鹤鹤 (2012/8/19 22:56:17)

哦哦哦~~~在哪里占呢？
不好意思啦，第一次木有经验哦~~~

Suri在奋斗

jeffery我觉得你写的好好呀，我昨天也写过同样一篇
问一下你，你一般字数是多少啊，你这篇写了500多呢！！

jeffery2541

jeffery我觉得你写的好好呀，我昨天也写过同样一篇
问一下你，你一般字数是多少啊，你这篇写了500多呢！！

-- by 会员 Suri在奋斗 (2012/8/20 9:07:19)

谢谢suri鼓励哦~其实我好久没写了，平时写应该400字左右吧~
昨天是第一次写，所以超时了，索性写太多了。。。。

Suri在奋斗

jeffery我觉得你写的好好呀，我昨天也写过同样一篇
问一下你，你一般字数是多少啊，你这篇写了500多呢！！

-- by 会员 Suri在奋斗 (2012/8/20 9:07:19)

谢谢suri鼓励哦~其实我好久没写了，平时写应该400字左右吧~
昨天是第一次写，所以超时了，索性写太多了。。。。

-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/8/20 12:21:46)

我们老师给了一个句酷批改网，你百度搜下就ok，每次作文都会打分
我今天一看你写的吓死了，有些我实在写不出来呢

jeffery2541

jeffery我觉得你写的好好呀，我昨天也写过同样一篇
问一下你，你一般字数是多少啊，你这篇写了500多呢！！

-- by 会员 Suri在奋斗 (2012/8/20 9:07:19)

谢谢suri鼓励哦~其实我好久没写了，平时写应该400字左右吧~
昨天是第一次写，所以超时了，索性写太多了。。。。

-- by 会员 jeffery2541 (2012/8/20 12:21:46)

我们老师给了一个句酷批改网，你百度搜下就ok，每次作文都会打分
我今天一看你写的吓死了，有些我实在写不出来呢

-- by 会员 Suri在奋斗 (2012/8/20 18:18:40)

嗯嗯~~是嘛~我找找看哦~

jeffery2541

8月20日
Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.

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As the saying goes, we human beings are animals of society. Apparently, we live in a big society where we share a huge network that connects everybody. People live in the world, bothering to work hard, earn money, contact with others and seek progressive changes for the ultimate goal of happiness. We live, but we don't just live in a way as animals. Our life is a journey seeking for happiness. Job is part of our lives, and it surely brings us happiness. However, job is only one aspect of life, so I suppose that our social life has more effect on our happiness than our job does.

First and foremost, even though jobs can bring us not only economic merits but also satisfaction of self-fulfillment, their impact on our happiness is far weaker than that brought by our social life. Since happiness doesn't solely depend on the satisfaction of self-fulfillment, we may experience various kinds of happiness from our social life. For example, we share good news from our friends when they, let's say, welcome a new life into their family, and we express our best wishes to them and hope the same touching moment happen on ourselves one day. It is the case when we bring happiness to friends and receive even more from them. Even for strangers, your sweet smile hanging on your faces will drive the shadow over their heads away and make them feel the sunshine once more even no matter what the real weather is. It is the case when we generously give happiness and feel the same happiness stronger. If we bury ourselves in work and luckily achieve some sort of goals which make you feel happy somehow, we will certainly lose other kinds of happiness from social life, the happiness brought by your families, friends and even strangers, and will experience a strong sadness of being lost.

Moreover, the happiness obtained from jobs is dependent on the social life, or it is the your social life that helps you get the kind of happiness of satisfaction. One cannot get any kind of work done all by themselves. With the help of others, not only workmates but also friends, families and even strangers, one can accomplish a mission more easily and perfectly, thus acquiring stronger sense of happiness. Take artists for a example, creating is their job, and they obtain inspirations from anyone they see, they talk and they contact. The fact is they cannot gain inspirations from the study where they create but instead from the colorful society. On the contrary, working with solitary, one can only be driven away from happiness and no matter how hard he tries, he will neither feel any happy from work nor open heart to the happiness form elsewhere. Finding the truth, we understand that the social life is the source of happiness, and hence affects our happiness more profoundly.

Generally speaking, our social life is a journey of much happiness and contribute more to our pursuit of happiness than just our jobs do.

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508 words; 5 typos, including several "strongers"

Serena0710

As the saying goes, we human beings are animals of society（想表达的是社会性动物？我查了一下，social animals即可）. Apparently, we live in a big society where we share a huge network that connects everybody. People live in the world, bothering to work hard, earn money, contact with others and seek progressive changes for the ultimate goal of （此处of改用一个破折号—更好吧，你体会一下意思？）happiness. We live, but we don't just live in a way as animals. Our life is a journey seeking for happiness. Job is part of our lives, and it surely brings us happiness. However, job is only (用only意思不太合适，改成just感受一下？或改成：job is not the only one aspect of life) one aspect of life, so I suppose that our social life has more effect on our happiness than our job does.

First and foremost, even though jobs can bring us not only economic merits but also satisfaction of self-fulfillment, their impact on our happiness is far weaker than that brought by our social life. (好句！两处观点同时，用了比较并且还有一些很精彩的词汇) Since happiness doesn't solely depend on the satisfaction of self-fulfillment, we may experience various kinds of happiness from our social life. For example, we share good news from our friends when they, let's say, welcome a new life into their family, and we express our best wishes to them and （两个and有些重复，第二个and可以考虑换成as well as）hope the same touching moment happen on ourselves one day. It is the case when we bring happiness to friends and receive even more from them. Even for strangers, your sweet smile hanging on your faces will drive the shadow over their heads away and make them feel the sunshine once more even no matter what the real weather is（读起来这句话有点怪怪的哎~~再考虑一下吧~）. It is the case（又一个 it is the case? 童鞋请注意英文表达的多样性）when we generously give happiness and feel the same happiness stronger （这句话我懂你的意思，但我觉得表达的不是很明白，有点chinglish，改卷人能理解吗？再斟酌）. If we bury ourselves in work and luckily achieve some sort of goals which make you feel happy somehow, we will certainly lose other kinds of happiness from social life, the happiness brought by your families, friends and even strangers, and will experience a strong sadness of being lost. （此段说理过多，例子显得很单薄。而牛牛们说托福高分最需要的就是详实的例子呀！！！活生生的例子呀！！）

Moreover, the happiness obtained from jobs is dependent on the social life, or it is the your social life that helps you get the kind of happiness of satisfaction. One cannot get any kind of work done all by themselves. With the help of others, not only workmates but also friends, families and even strangers, one can accomplish a mission more easily and perfectly, thus acquiring stronger sense of happiness. Take artists for a （an注意细节） example,（此处需要句号） creating is their job, and they obtain inspirations from anyone they see, they talk and they contact. The fact is they cannot gain inspirations from the study where they create（这句还是有些表意不明，再考虑一下）but instead（but 不做连词的时候，不能和instead同时使用哦~~） from the colorful society. On the contrary, working with solitary, one can only be driven away from happiness and no matter how hard he tries, he will neither feel any happy from work nor open heart to the happiness form （from） elsewhere. Finding the truth, we understand that the social life is the source of happiness, and hence affects our happiness more profoundly.

Generally speaking, our social life is a journey of much happiness and contribute　（此处注意主谓一致）more to our pursuit of happiness than just our



总评

本文给出的论点很好，很多地方用词用句也很精彩。但是某些句子，多斟酌一下，更地道一些就perfect了~另外就是注意举例！例子很重要。第二段的例子就比第一段好很多。BUT！我还是觉得例子要多举身边的，你熟悉的咯~

jeffery2541

嗯嗯嗯~
首先，感谢serena的细心批改~如果是我自己看自己的作文，永远不知道哪里表述不清楚哪里可以变得更好。
其次，小总结一下我收获吧~
1·表达！表达！表达！不仅要地道，要追求完美。不确定的宁可不用，比如说animals of society。要追求语言表达的多样性，同义句改写啊！！！
2·注意细节。小地方错的太多了。P.S.:我总是纠结这个字数和内容之间的权衡，老想把字数码起来，这样就细节注意不到了，serena给提点建议吧~
3·学到了一个东西——破折号，以后要学着用，我感觉好出彩。
最后，再次表示感谢。

As the saying goes, we human beings are animals of society（想表达的是社会性动物？我查了一下，social animals即可）. Apparently, we live in a big society where we share a huge network that connects everybody. People live in the world, bothering to work hard, earn money, contact with others and seek progressive changes for the ultimate goal of （此处of改用一个破折号—更好吧，你体会一下意思？）happiness. We live, but we don't just live in a way as animals. Our life is a journey seeking for happiness. Job is part of our lives, and it surely brings us happiness. However, job is only (用only意思不太合适，改成just感受一下？或改成：job is not the only one aspect of life) one aspect of life, so I suppose that our social life has more effect on our happiness than our job does.

First and foremost, even though jobs can bring us not only economic merits but also satisfaction of self-fulfillment, their impact on our happiness is far weaker than that brought by our social life. (好句！两处观点同时，用了比较并且还有一些很精彩的词汇) Since happiness doesn't solely depend on the satisfaction of self-fulfillment, we may experience various kinds of happiness from our social life. For example, we share good news from our friends when they, let's say, welcome a new life into their family, and we express our best wishes to them and （两个and有些重复，第二个and可以考虑换成as well as）hope the same touching moment happen on ourselves one day. It is the case when we bring happiness to friends and receive even more from them. Even for strangers, your sweet smile hanging on your faces will drive the shadow over their heads away and make them feel the sunshine once more even no matter what the real weather is（读起来这句话有点怪怪的哎~~再考虑一下吧~）. It is the case（又一个 it is the case? 童鞋请注意英文表达的多样性）when we generously give happiness and feel the same happiness stronger （这句话我懂你的意思，但我觉得表达的不是很明白，有点chinglish，改卷人能理解吗？再斟酌）. If we bury ourselves in work and luckily achieve some sort of goals which make you feel happy somehow, we will certainly lose other kinds of happiness from social life, the happiness brought by your families, friends and even strangers, and will experience a strong sadness of being lost. （此段说理过多，例子显得很单薄。而牛牛们说托福高分最需要的就是详实的例子呀！！！活生生的例子呀！！）

Moreover, the happiness obtained from jobs is dependent on the social life, or it is the your social life that helps you get the kind of happiness of satisfaction. One cannot get any kind of work done all by themselves. With the help of others, not only workmates but also friends, families and even strangers, one can accomplish a mission more easily and perfectly, thus acquiring stronger sense of happiness. Take artists for a （an注意细节） example,（此处需要句号） creating is their job, and they obtain inspirations from anyone they see, they talk and they contact. The fact is they cannot gain inspirations from the study where they create（这句还是有些表意不明，再考虑一下）but instead（but 不做连词的时候，不能和instead同时使用哦~~） from the colorful society. On the contrary, working with solitary, one can only be driven away from happiness and no matter how hard he tries, he will neither feel any happy from work nor open heart to the happiness form （from） elsewhere. Finding the truth, we understand that the social life is the source of happiness, and hence affects our happiness more profoundly.

Generally speaking, our social life is a journey of much happiness and contribute　（此处注意主谓一致）more to our pursuit of happiness than just our



总评

本文给出的论点很好，很多地方用词用句也很精彩。但是某些句子，多斟酌一下，更地道一些就perfect了~另外就是注意举例！例子很重要。第二段的例子就比第一段好很多。BUT！我还是觉得例子要多举身边的，你熟悉的咯~

-- by 会员 Serena0710 (2012/8/21 17:26:09)