『写作小分队』 求轰炸

margrate

ykh我盗用了你的例子哦！终于逼着自己写完了，这次写的真木有感觉，耗时太长！ 自我深刻检讨中。。。
Dependent:Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?

Lots of characteristics are treated as important attributes that a good political or business leader should possess, such as the ability to accommodate new concept, and take responsibility for mistakes and so on. However, in my opinion, the ability to analyze the situation and make good decisions plays the most important role to be a good political and business leader.

First, reviewing the situation in a particular way can guide a political or business leader to make unique and innovative decisions. What a leader should do is to make appropriate decisions responding to the current situation to lead the subordinates to moving forward at the right direction. For example, Steve Jobs, former leader of Apple Corporation and also an exceptional inventor, responding to the current situation in which diversified functions are needed to be realized on a smart phone which nobody has ever invented, invented the iPhone. If he was not able analyze the situation, he would not make good decision, and then get succeeded.

Second, it is the contextual intelligence for a political or business leader that not only increases the possibility of success, but also decreases the possibility of making mistakes. On the one hand, decisions are made by leaders according to his analysis of current changing situation. Moreover, the high ability to analyze the situation leads to good decisions. For example, the Great Cultural Revolution of China, initiated by Chairman Mao, lasted more than 10 years from 1966 to 1976. This revolution was initiated under the false judgment of Chairman Mao to the situation, which caused Chinese people and China itself into an unexpected dilemma. On the other hand, decision making corresponding to the changing situation tends to make it few mistakes. For example,

Finally, unlike the ability to scaling up the situation and make good decisions which is the most important characteristic of a good political or a business leader, the abilities either to accommodate various concepts or to take responsibility for mistakes are the basic attributes which everyone should acquire. In such a diversified and multi-conception world, whatever you do, you have to take great responsibility for mistakes. By contrast, as a leader, you can fail to accept all kinds of concepts, and fail to undertake the mistakes you make, however, you definitely cannot make decisions without considering situation, let alone you cannot make good decisions.

In conclusion, what makes a political or business leader successful is the ability to analyze the situation and make good decisions. Unique and innovative decisions will be made after considering the situations, high possibilities of success will appear as well as low possibilities of failure or mistakes will be achieved. The most important is it is such unique ability that shapes a successful political or business leader.

ykhjy

0817 独立  修改~
蓝色good  黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色总结
ykh我盗用了你的例子哦！终于逼着自己写完了，这次写的真木有感觉，耗时太长！ 自我深刻检讨中。。。额。。是ykhjy额。。
Dependent:Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?

Lots of characteristics are treated as important attributes that a good political or business leader should possess, such as the ability to accommodate new concept, and take responsibility for mistakes and so on. However, in my opinion, the ability to analyze the situation and make good decisions plays the most important role to be a good political and business leader.

First, reviewing the situation in a particular way can guide a political or business leader to make unique and innovative decisions. What a leader should do is to make appropriate decisions responding to the current situation to lead the subordinates to moving forward at the right direction. For example, Steve Jobs, former leader of Apple Corporation and also an exceptional inventor, responding to the current situation in which diversified functions are needed to be realized on a smart phone which nobody has ever invented, invented the iPhone. If he was not able to analyze the situation, he would not make a good decision, and then【这个感觉 用 let alone 会不会好点】 get succeeded.

Second, it is the contextual intelligence for a political or business leader that not only increases the possibility【可以用个chance】 of success, but also decreases the possibility of making mistakes. On the one hand, decisions are made by leaders according to his【their和前面leaders对应】 analysis of current changing situation. Moreover, the high ability to analyze the situation leads to good decisions. For example, the Great Cultural Revolution of China, initiated by Chairman Mao, lasted more than 10 years from 1966 to 1976. This revolution was initiated under the false judgment of Chairman Mao to the situation, which caused Chinese people and China itself into【我不知道有没有这个搭配？】 an unexpected dilemma. On the other hand, decision making corresponding to the changing situation tends to make it few mistakes【这里的it是代表啥？】. For example, ？

Finally, unlike the ability to scaling up the situation and make good decisions which is the most important characteristic of a good political or a business leader, the abilities either to accommodate various concepts or to take responsibility for mistakes are the basic attributes which everyone should acquire【good point！】. In such a diversified【这个词形容world不是那么恰当额。complex会不会适合点呢】 and multi-conception world, whatever you do, you have to take great responsibility for mistakes. By contrast, as a leader, you can fail to accept all kinds of concepts,【不要逗号】 and fail to undertake the mistakes you make, however, you definitely cannot make decisions without considering situation, let alone you cannot make good decisions【你想说更不必说能做一个好的决定？那应该用can，而且let alone 后面能直接加句子么？有点疑问。个人觉得这里用后果接得比较顺：or the decision might not be good】.

In conclusion, what makes a political or business leader successful is the ability to analyze the situation and make good decisions. Unique and innovative decisions will be made after considering the situations, high possibilities of success will appear as well as low possibilities of failure or mistakes will be achieved. The most important is it is such unique ability that shapes a successful political or business leader.


【总体来说，结构还蛮清楚的，用词变化也挺多，只是有个which 无处不在，可以偶尔用用that什么的，这方面你比我行。有些地方我不太确定可以讨论下。】

margrate

0817 独立  修改~
蓝色good  黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色总结
ykh我盗用了你的例子哦！终于逼着自己写完了，这次写的真木有感觉，耗时太长！ 自我深刻检讨中。。。额。。是ykhjy额。。
Dependent:Is the most important characteristic of a good political or business leader is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes?

Lots of characteristics are treated as important attributes that a good political or business leader should possess, such as the ability to accommodate new concept, andtake responsibility for mistakes and so on. However, in my opinion, the ability to analyze the situation and make good decisions plays the most important role to be a good political and business leader.

First, reviewing the situation in a particular way can guide a political or business leader to make unique and innovative decisions. What a leader should do is to make appropriate decisions responding to the current situation to lead the subordinates to moving forward at the right direction. For example, Steve Jobs, former leader of Apple Corporation and also an exceptional inventor, responding to the current situation in which diversified functions are needed to be realized on a smart phone which nobody has ever invented, invented the iPhone. If he was not able to analyze the situation, he would not make a good decision, and then【这个感觉 用 let alone 会不会好点】 get succeeded.

Second, it is the contextual intelligence for a political or business leader that not only increases the possibility【可以用个chance】 of success, but also decreases the possibility of making mistakes. On the one hand, decisions are made by leaders according to his【their和前面leaders对应】 analysis of current changing situation. Moreover, the high ability to analyze the situation leads to good decisions. For example, the Great Cultural Revolution of China, initiated by Chairman Mao, lastedmore than10 years from 1966 to 1976. This revolution was initiated under the false judgment of Chairman Mao to the situation, which caused Chinese people and China itself into【我不知道有没有这个搭配？】 an unexpected dilemma. On the other hand, decision making corresponding to the changing situation tends to make it few mistakes【这里的it是代表啥？】. For example, ？

Finally, unlike the ability to scaling up the situation and make good decisions which is the most important characteristic of a good political or a business leader, the abilities either to accommodate various concepts or to take responsibility for mistakes are the basic attributes which everyone should acquire【good point！】. In such a diversified【这个词形容world不是那么恰当额。complex会不会适合点呢】 and multi-conception world, whatever you do, you have to take great responsibility for mistakes. By contrast, as a leader, you can fail to accept all kinds of concepts,【不要逗号】and fail to undertake the mistakes you make, however, you definitely cannot make decisions without considering situation, let alone you cannot make good decisions【你想说更不必说能做一个好的决定？那应该用can，而且let alone 后面能直接加句子么？有点疑问。个人觉得这里用后果接得比较顺：or the decision might not be good】.

In conclusion, what makes a political or business leader successful is the ability to analyze the situation and make good decisions. Unique and innovative decisions will be made after considering the situations, high possibilities of success will appear as well as low possibilities of failure or mistakes will be achieved. The most important is it is such unique ability that shapes a successful political or business leader.


【总体来说，结构还蛮清楚的，用词变化也挺多，只是有个which 无处不在，可以偶尔用用that什么的，这方面你比我行。有些地方我不太确定可以讨论下。】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/8/18 22:39:40)

margrate

9818 独立The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries

The debate on which is the best way to improve the quality of education is hot in China in recent years. On the one hand, the quality of education in China is seriously challenged facing the problems like why there is no Chinese winning Nobel Prize, why students become indifferent to the society? Therefore, both the government and the people are aware of the significance of improving the quality. Some argue that increasing teachers’ salaries is the best way to improve the quality of education. However, as far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the opinion that converting the teaching methods is the best solution.

To begin with, improving the teaching method is superior to increasing teachers’ salaries to improve the quality of education. On the one hand, compared with American education, considered as a relative successful education in the world, China's education concentrates too much on the grades, on the percentage of the National Entrance Examination, on whether you have got a medal of Mathematical Olympiad and so on, which ignores the essence of education. Education is to help students to develop a healthy outlook on life, which conspicuously will not achieve by increasing teachers' salaries. On the other hand, the conversion of teaching method will significantly impact not only the traditional conception of education, but also the inveterately traditional conception of success of the Chinese people. As this conversion goes, the quality of education will continuously improve.

Finally, increasing the teachers' salaries is one of the methods to enhance the quality of education, but not the best. It is undeniable that as the teachers' salaries increase, the teacher will dedicate both more time and more energy to students and classes. However, it is also undeniable that even the teachers dedicate more than ever before, if they do not use an appropriate method to teach students, the improvement won't achieve as expected. For example, in recent year, teachers' salaries in China have doubled, even tripled as a couple years ago. Furthermore, under such a circumstance, the number of students who entry the universities does increase. However, the quality of students in China seems to be decreasing for some students become more and more indifferent than before, or become more selfish, which are really beyond our expectation.

In conclusion, it appears that, for China, figuring out what the real meaning of education, then converting the teaching method should be the best way to improve the quality of education. Increasing teachers’ salaries can temporarily improve the quality of education in the aspect of grade, percentage of National entrance examination and things like that, but it is neither the best nor permanent way to solve the problem.

margrate

The reading passage points out three serious problems impact archaeology in Britain, such as the loss of valuable artifacts in construction projects, the inadequate financial support for archaeological research, and the difficulty to have a career in archaeology. In the lecture, the professor introduces new guidelines adopted in Britain which have successfully addressed the three problems.

To begin with, the guidelines state that any constructions have to be examined by the archaeologists to confirm whether the construction site has interesting or valuable artifacts. If the answer is yes, then further preservation plan will be made by local government officials, archaeologists, and constructor. On the contrary, the concern in the passage that many valuable artifacts were lost to construction projects is unnecessary.

Second, the passage indicates that many archaeologists felt that the financial support for archaeological research was inadequate and changing government priorities brought about periodic reductions in funding. As a matter of fact, the Rules explicitly claim that the construction company has to pay for all the funds if the any archaeology researches are done on the construction site under the preservation plan, which guarantee the money resources for researches.

Finally, as mentioned in the passage, the position available for archaeologists is limited to the universities and government agencies. However, the guidelines actually provide more paid works than before. The increase jobs and career opportunities has increased professional archaeologists.

陈喵喵holdon

9818 独立The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries

The debate on which is the best way to improve the quality of education is hot in China in recent years. On the one hand(下文有on the other hand对应吗??), the quality of education in China is seriously challenged facing the problems like(like貌似有点口语化,书面的话用such as, for example之类的比较好)why there is no Chinese winning Nobel Prize, why students become indifferent to the society? Therefore, both the government and the people are aware of the significance of improving the quality. Some argue that increasing teachers’ salaries is the best way to improve the quality of education. However, as far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the opinion that converting the teaching methods is the best solution.

To begin with, improving the teaching method is superior to increasing teachers’ salaries to improve the quality of education. On the one hand, compared with American education, considered as a relative successful education in the world, China's education concentrates too much on the grades, on the percentage of the National Entrance Examination, on whether you have got a medal of Mathematical Olympiad and so on, which ignores the essence of education(好长的一个句子..我个人觉得句子太长会造成表意不明). Education is to help students to develop a healthy outlook on life, which conspicuously will not achieve(be achieved) by increasing teachers' salaries. On the other hand, the conversion of teaching method will significantly impact not only the traditional conception of education, but also the inveterately(划了红线..其实我不认识这个单词= =)traditional conception of success of the Chinese people. As this conversion goes, the quality of education will continuously improve(有个例子是不是更好?).

Finally, increasing the teachers' salaries is one of the methods to enhance the quality of education, but not the best. It is undeniable that as the teachers' salaries increase, the teacher will dedicate both more time and more energy to students and classes. However, it is also undeniable that even the teachers dedicate more than ever before, if they do not use an appropriate method to teach students, the improvement won't achieve as expected. For example, in recent year, teachers' salaries in China have doubled, even tripled as a couple years ago. Furthermore(感觉这里的句意好像是转折的?用furthermore不对吧), under such a circumstance, the number of students who entry the universities does increase. However, the quality of students in China seems to be decreasing for some students become(这个句子有两个谓语,become变成 becoming?)more and more indifferent than before(这个than before应该也包括了后面的selfish吧,还是放到selfish后面吧), or become more selfish, which are really beyond our expectation.

In conclusion, it appears that, for China, figuring out what the real meaning of education, then converting the teaching method should be the best way to improve the quality of education. Increasing teachers’ salaries can temporarily improve the quality of education in the aspect of grade, percentage of National entrance examination and things like that, but it is neither the best nor permanent way to solve the problem.

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/19 12:59:31)

句式和词汇用的很多,提个小意见,有些句子太长了,长句套短句,短句套从句,从句套短语,有点影响表达.可以断开一些句子再用不同句式,那样反而逻辑清楚.
例子太少,全文感觉说理是重头,下午刚看了个帖子说ETS很喜欢例子..
anyway,词汇方面还是向margrate学习哈,我老是很词穷..

陈喵喵holdon

The reading passage points out three serious problems impact(这个句子也有两个谓语, point和impact,后面用从句或者impacting?)archaeology in Britain, such as the loss of valuable artifacts in construction projects, the inadequate financial support for archaeological research, and the difficulty to have a career in archaeology. In the lecture, the professor introduces new guidelines adopted in Britain which have successfully addressed the three problems.

To begin with, the guidelines state that any constructions have to be examined by the archaeologists to confirm whether the construction site has interesting or valuable artifacts. If the answer is yes, then further preservation plan will be made by local government officials, archaeologists, and constructor. On the contrary, the concern in the passage that many valuable artifacts were lost to construction projects is unnecessary.

Second, the passage indicates that many archaeologists felt that the financial support for archaeological research was inadequate and changing government priorities brought about periodic reductions in funding. As a matter of fact, the Rules explicitly claim that the construction company has to pay for all the funds if the any archaeology researches are done on the construction site under the preservation plan, which guarantee the money resources for researches.

Finally, as mentioned in the passage, the position available for archaeologists is limited to the universities and government agencies. However, the guidelines actually provide more paid works than before. The increase jobs and career opportunities has increased professional archaeologists.

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/19 13:19:39)

最后一点是不是应该再稍微拓展下?具体提供的jobs什么的?
这篇语言明白很多,改不出什么错误哈..

margrate

9818 独立The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries

The debate on which is the best way to improve the quality of education is hot in China in recent years. On the one hand(下文有on the other hand对应吗??), the quality of education in China is seriously challenged facing the problems like(like貌似有点口语化,书面的话用such as, for example之类的比较好)why there is no Chinese winning Nobel Prize, why students become indifferent to the society? Therefore, both the government and the people are aware of the significance of improving the quality. Some argue that increasing teachers’ salaries is the best way to improve the quality of education. However, as far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the opinion that converting the teaching methods is the best solution.
这里的on the one hand，我后面把on the other hand 改了，就忘记改前面了，改打！
这里还有个问题：全文下来，举例的地方多，such as, for exmple用多了，我们举例还有其他的可以用的么？
To begin with, improving the teaching method is superior to increasing teachers’ salaries to improve the quality of education. On the one hand, compared with American education, considered as a relative successful education in the world, China's education concentrates too much on the grades, on the percentage of the National Entrance Examination, on whether you have got a medal of Mathematical Olympiad and so on, which ignores the essence of education(好长的一个句子..我个人觉得句子太长会造成表意不明). （我写英语作文的时候，这个习惯确实不太好，有了句子，就总是习惯顺手就套上了，回头把这个句子改改。）Education is to help students to develop a healthy outlook on life, which conspicuously will not achieve(be achieved) by increasing teachers' salaries. On the other hand, the conversion of teaching method will significantly impact not only the traditional conception of education, but also the inveterately(划了红线..其实我不认识这个单词= =根深蒂固嗒)traditional conception of success of the Chinese people. As this conversion goes, the quality of education will continuously improve(有个例子是不是更好?).

Finally, increasing the teachers' salaries is one of the methods to enhance the quality of education, but not the best. It is undeniable that as the teachers' salaries increase, the teacher will dedicate both more time and more energy to students and classes. However, it is also undeniable that even the teachers dedicate more than ever before, if they do not use an appropriate method to teach students, the improvement won't achieve as expected. For example, in recent year, teachers' salaries in China have doubled, even tripled as a couple years ago. Furthermore(感觉这里的句意好像是转折的?用furthermore不对吧，这里还没有转折，不过用furthermore确实有些欠缺，让我再想想看), under such a circumstance, the number of students who entry the universities does increase. However, the quality of students in China seems to be decreasing for some students become(这个句子有两个谓语,become变成 becoming?)more and more indifferent than before(这个than before应该也包括了后面的selfish吧,还是放到selfish后面吧，这个有道理), or become more selfish, which are really beyond our expectation.

In conclusion, it appears that, for China, figuring out what the real meaning of education, then converting the teaching method should be the best way to improve the quality of education. Increasing teachers’ salaries can temporarily improve the quality of education in the aspect of grade, percentage of National entrance examination and things like that, but it is neither the best nor permanent way to solve the problem.

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/19 12:59:31)

句式和词汇用的很多,提个小意见,有些句子太长了,长句套短句,短句套从句,从句套短语,有点影响表达.可以断开一些句子再用不同句式,那样反而逻辑清楚.
例子太少,全文感觉说理是重头,下午刚看了个帖子说ETS很喜欢例子..
anyway,词汇方面还是向margrate学习哈,我老是很词穷..

-- by 会员 陈喵喵holdon (2012/8/19 16:30:47)

句式这方面还是太欠缺了，看来我还得花些时间看一下185
我不光词穷，我例子也穷，写的时候就是想不起来要用些什么例子，我得多练练，顺便再去别家蹭些例子用！
辛苦喵喵了

margrate

The reading passage points out that three serious problems impact(这个句子也有两个谓语, point和impact,后面用从句或者impacting?) （point out 后面少加了that 了，该打！ ）archaeology in Britain, such as the loss of valuable artifacts in construction projects, the inadequate financial support for archaeological research, and the difficulty to have a career in archaeology. In the lecture, the professor introduces new guidelines adopted in Britain which have successfully addressed the three problems.

To begin with, the guidelines state that any constructions have to be examined by the archaeologists to confirm whether the construction site has interesting or valuable artifacts. If the answer is yes, then further preservation plan will be made by local government officials, archaeologists, and constructor. On the contrary, the concern in the passage that many valuable artifacts were lost to construction projects is unnecessary.

Second, the passage indicates that many archaeologists felt that the financial support for archaeological research was inadequate and changing government priorities brought about periodic reductions in funding. As a matter of fact, the Rules explicitly claim that the construction company has to pay for all the funds if the any archaeology researches are done on the construction site under the preservation plan, which guarantee the money resources for researches.

Finally, as mentioned in the passage, the position available for archaeologists is limited to the universities and government agencies. However, the guidelines actually provide more paid works than before. The increase jobs and career opportunities has increased professional archaeologists.

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/19 13:19:39)

最后一点是不是应该再稍微拓展下?具体提供的jobs什么的?
这篇语言明白很多,改不出什么错误哈..

-- by 会员 陈喵喵holdon (2012/8/19 16:36:13)

我后面Job没怎么听好，就忘记了，又觉得再写，字数就太多了。弱弱的问一下，字数太多扣分么？

陈喵喵holdon

举例的话除了for example, such as...这个....for instance?比方说这个意思我也想不出来别的了..有时候可以用As XXX实例... 或者 It can be illustrated/explained by ... 这种句式来举例??
其实我也想不出来例子,只能平时多留意下,然后就是临场编了..
字数在适当范围内多一些不会扣分的吧...可能会影响时间和检查错误..不要太多就行了..
我独立也总是写不多,写到三百字就扯不出来了..像你说的,我太简单了写的,不充实...很苦恼啊..还是脑子里墨水太少的缘故= =