求综合部分提高..Writing加油!!

陈喵喵holdon

8.18 独立

Many families with successful relatives are trying to help children achieve success. As a result, the last several years has witnessed a debate of whether it is a more important factor for families' help leading someone to success than in the past. Generally it is not an essential contributor, because of three main reasons discussed in the following essay.

Firstly, aid from the family is not an essential factor that results in someone's success. A recent study released by national education department states that less than 40% of young adults who have relatively high academic success or better career beginning have parents with high education level or superior family circumstances. Family background may be a basis or a sort of impetus rather than a determining factor, so someone can get basic support from his family as in the past.

Additionally, there is a phenomenon that many people may benefit from their relatives economically. For example, help to invest new business or get social identities. Nevertheless, a research conducted by Nanjing University students shows nearly two-thirds of persons who got succeeded mainly by economical aid from their relatives failed or faced a depression in their later lifetime. A conclusion which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success can be drawn.

Furthermore, fairness has been regarded as a more significant concept in the modern society. Compared to family help, the whole society, as well as most companies, thinks more of a person's abilities and personalities. National government has announced the punishment of institutions which give priority to staff with better family background. That will lead to fair competition atmosphere irrespective of family influences.

In conclusion, the increasing role of reaching success with the help of family lacks evidence. It is the personal capability factor that primarily determines.

margrate

Many families with successful relatives are trying to help children achieve success. As a result, the last several years has witnessed a debate of whether it is a more important factor for families' help leading someone to success than in the past. Generally it is not an essential contributor, because of three main reasons discussed in the following essay.

Firstly, aid from the family is not an essential factor that results in someone's success. A recent study released by national education department states that less than 40% of young adults who have relatively high academic success or better career beginning have parents with high education level or superior family circumstances.（这个例子好，这样子举例子更好！学习了！）Family background may be a basis or a sort of impetus rather than a determining factor, so someone can get basic support from his family as in the past.

Additionally, there is a phenomenon that many people may benefit from their relatives economically. For example, help to invest new business or get social identities.（这要是个句子吧，要么就用such as）Nevertheless, a research conducted by Nanjing University students shows nearly two-thirds of persons who got succeeded mainly by economical aid from their relatives failed or faced a depression in their later lifetime. A conclusion which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success can be drawn.(这里可以调整语序，主句太短，从句太长，A conclusion can be drawn which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success)

Furthermore, fairness has been regarded as a more significant concept in the modern society. Compared to family help, the whole society, as well as most companies, thinks more of a person's abilities and personalities. National government has announced the punishment of institutions which give priority to staff with better family background. That will lead to fair competition atmosphere irrespective of family influences.
(这段脱离主题了！)
In conclusion, the increasing role of reaching success with the help of family lacks evidence. It is the personal capability factor that primarily determines.

举例方式很好，学习了。
后面的论证脱离主题了

margrate

8.18 综合 TPO16

Evidence form a recent guideline has been offered by the professor, aiming to argue in the three aspects included in archaeology science stated by the reading passage. Instead of the rising of serious problems and limitations, the professor says there are improvements and opportunities.
（建议P1对三个problem做一下总结）
First of all, according to the professor, there will be examinations before every construction projects to determine whether there is artifact value. Generally, not only builders and construction officers, but also artifact experts will be gathered to make plans and release documents before the allowance of construction in a certain area. Consequently, no particular cultural artifacts will be lost as the reading passage claimed.

In addition, it is construction companies' responsibility to pay for the site examination rather than governments'. More work and plans will be done in a wider range compare （两个动词哦）to the past. However（换成therefore吧？）, the situation of inadequate financial support described in the reading passage will not exist.

Also, it （it的真正主语是什么？）is opposite as asserted in the reading passage, which means （which修饰的是谁？）there will be more paid work being provided（这个being provided在这里，谈不上错了，但是用being是很有风险的，在GMAT中，这样用是相当有风险的；而且这样是在表示“正有很多工作被提供”对吧？） at every stage of archaeology from examination artifacts' values, processing data to preservations. Because of the transition from zero job opportunities in the past to becoming the highest British professional workforce field（首先，这个because of相当于是一个adv， 它不是because，可以单独成句）, the professor can overthrow conclusions made in the reading passage.

-- by 会员 陈喵喵holdon (2012/8/18 16:57:33)

总体上，阐述蛮清晰的，用词很清新的感觉！读起来很舒服哦！稍稍有点太简炼，不够充实！

陈喵喵holdon

8.19综合 TPO17

According to the statement of declining US-birds population resulted by increasing population and more use of agricultural pesticides, the professor claims three promising factors instead of the three possible negative aspects from the reading passage.

To begin with, thought it is true that there is urban growth recently, developments of better and larger birds habitats of other types do exist. Consequently, birds population actually increases overall. In addition, the professor contends that some birds population may shrink, while others are growing on the contrary of the reading passage.

Moreover, less land is utilized by agriculture despite the fact that it is admittedly true for the growth of agriculture. Because of more new varieties of productive crops, relatively larger amounts of production per unit land can be achieved. In fact, there is no need to destroy rural areas as asserted by the reading passage.

Additionally, the professor does not deny the incorrect traditional use of pesticides which has been replaced by 2 positive changes. Awareness of negative consequences leads to these changes, which include fewer toxic pesticides and an increasing trend of pesticide-resistant crops. The reading passage failed to recognize these two alterations on the basis of genetic modified technology and less need for pesticides that result in less harm to birds.

陈喵喵holdon

Many families with successful relatives are trying to help children achieve success. As a result, the last several years has witnessed a debate of whether it is a more important factor for families' help leading someone to success than in the past.Generally it is not an essential contributor, because of three main reasons discussed in the following essay.

Firstly, aid from the family is not an essential factor that results in someone's success. A recent study released by national education department states that less than 40% of young adults who have relatively high academic success or better career beginning have parents with high education level or superior family circumstances.（这个例子好，这样子举例子更好！学习了！）Family background may be a basis or a sort of impetus rather than a determining factor, so someone can get basic support from his family as in the past.

Additionally, there is a phenomenon that many people may benefit from their relatives economically. For example, help to invest new business or get social identities.（这要是个句子吧，要么就用such as）Nevertheless, a research conducted by Nanjing University students shows nearly two-thirds of persons who got succeeded mainly by economical aid from their relatives failed or faced a depression in their later lifetime. A conclusion which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success can be drawn.(这里可以调整语序，主句太短，从句太长，A conclusion can be drawn which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success)

Furthermore, fairness has been regarded as a more significant concept in the modern society. Compared to family help, the whole society, as well as most companies, thinks more of a person's abilities and personalities. National government has announced the punishment of institutions which give priority to staff with better family background. That will lead to fair competition atmosphere irrespective of family influences.
(这段脱离主题了！)
In conclusion, the increasing role of reaching success with the help of family lacks evidence. It is the personal capability factor that primarily determines.

举例方式很好，学习了。
后面的论证脱离主题了

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/19 13:29:03)

关于第三段的脱离主题问题 其实我是真的真的想不出论点了...只有写个社会不允许家庭帮助这种不公正现象存在...哎..

margrate

Many families with successful relatives are trying to help children achieve success. As a result, the last several years has witnessed a debate of whether it is a more important factor for families' help leading someone to success than in the past.Generally it is not an essential contributor, because of three main reasons discussed in the following essay.

Firstly, aid from the family is not an essential factor that results in someone's success. A recent study released by national education department states that less than 40% of young adults who have relatively high academic success or better career beginning have parents with high education level or superior family circumstances.（这个例子好，这样子举例子更好！学习了！）Family background may be a basis or a sort of impetus rather than a determining factor, so someone can get basic support from his family as in the past.

Additionally, there is a phenomenon that many people may benefit from their relatives economically. For example, help to invest new business or get social identities.（这要是个句子吧，要么就用such as）Nevertheless, a research conducted by Nanjing University students shows nearly two-thirds of persons who got succeeded mainly by economical aid from their relatives failed or faced a depression in their later lifetime. A conclusion which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success can be drawn.(这里可以调整语序，主句太短，从句太长，A conclusion can be drawn which explains the role of family effect in a career's starting point rather than in the determination of final success)

Furthermore, fairness has been regarded as a more significant concept in the modern society. Compared to family help, the whole society, as well as most companies, thinks more of a person's abilities and personalities. National government has announced the punishment of institutions which give priority to staff with better family background. That will lead to fair competition atmosphere irrespective of family influences.
(这段脱离主题了！)
In conclusion, the increasing role of reaching success with the help of family lacks evidence. It is the personal capability factor that primarily determines.

举例方式很好，学习了。
后面的论证脱离主题了

-- by 会员 margrate (2012/8/19 13:29:03)

关于第三段的脱离主题问题 其实我是真的真的想不出论点了...只有写个社会不允许家庭帮助这种不公正现象存在...哎..

-- by 会员 陈喵喵holdon (2012/8/19 20:32:21)

我觉得实在写不出比较有利的例子，可以扩充你的前两个点

klllun

8.19综合 TPO17

According to the statement of decliningUS-birds population resulted by （result的用法只有result in 与result from.前者是表示导致了什么结果，后者是表示由什么原因表示，所以这里应该是用from会比较合适） increasing population and more use ofagricultural pesticides, the professor claims three promising factors insteadof the three possible negative aspects from the reading passage.（学到了，第一段喵喵所说的连接。用一个句子把文章内容与作者观点都涵盖到了，表意清晰）

To begin with, thought（though） it is true that there is urban growthrecently, developments of better and larger birds habitats of other types doexist. Consequently, birds population（用population ofbirds会更好，或者birds’ population） actually increases overall.In addition, the professor contends that some birds populationmay shrink, while others are growing on the contrary of the readingpassage. （这里喵喵同学说的对啊，我的确有点没有听清楚那几个动物的关系，还写了。。。⊙﹏⊙b汗）

Moreover, less land is utilized byagriculture despite the fact that it is admittedly true for the growth ofagriculture. Because of more new varieties of productive crops, relativelylarger amounts of production per unit land can be achieved. In fact, there is no needto destroy rural areas as asserted by the reading passage.

Additionally, the professor does not denythe incorrect traditional use of pesticides which has been replaced by 2positive changes. Awareness of negative consequences leads to these changes,which include fewer toxic pesticides and an increasing trend ofpesticide-resistant crops. The reading passage failed to recognize these twoalterations on the basis of genetic modified technology and less need forpesticides that result in less harm to birds.


语言表达很流畅，句式很多样。不错啊！听力内容很准确啊，特别是对于瀑布汗的虫子，听不懂还胡诌滴。。。只是还可以加入一些细节，听力中的例子写进去是可以有效提高level的。当然要准确了，这个还要多多练习的。

陈喵喵holdon

8.25 综合 TPO23

Althoughthe professor contends that the causes of the declining population of yellowcedar in northeastern America are unknown, the three factors which arementioned in the reading passage cannot be blamed to be main attributes.


Firstly,according to the professor, yellow cedars actually will not suffer from such alarge amount of damage from bettles, which are assumed to be primary killers ofyellow cedar tree species in the reading passage, as there are powerfulchemicals around this kind of trees to protect them from insect attacks.Additionally, bettles will damage themselves or even die in the cases of cedarattacks, so that it could not be fundamental bettle problem.

Inaddition, despite the fact that brown bears do eat yellow cedars to someextent, it cannot be an overall contributor on the basis of the professor'sstatement. Either the mainland or islands of North America has a decliningpopulation of brown bears, which will not set risk on yellow cedars, while thereading passage regards brown bears as a principal cause that absorbs cedars assugar. Anyway, it will not play a role even to weaken yellow cedars.

Furthermore,the reading passage forgets an important fact that more yellow cedars die inwarmer regions, which can overthrew its claim of the frozen weather reason, asthe professor claims. It is admitted that the root system may be sensitive tothe cold weather, but it will not kill the trees. As a consequence, thisclimate aspect is not adequate to explain the reasons behind the decliningphenomenon as well in professor's perspective.

ykhjy

8.25 综合 TPO23  修改蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议

【这里加上一个according to the lecture 会不会好点，否则总觉得有失客观】Although the professor contends that the causes of the declining population of yellow cedar in northeastern America are unknown, the three factors which are mentioned in the reading passage cannot be blamed to be main attributes [感觉这个词不太适当，用reasons把].


Firstly,according to the professor, yellow cedars actually will not suffer from such a large amount of damage from bettles, which are assumed to be primary killers of yellow cedar tree species in the reading passage, as there are powerful chemicals around this kind of trees to protect them from insect attacks.Additionally, bettles will damage themselves or even die in the cases of cedar attacks,[我听到的是有些受虫害的数本来就是病的，和bettles没啥关系，这里信息不太准确] so that it could not be fundamental bettle problem [这句话表达有点问题，要么说 bettle couldn't be the fundamental problem，要么说 it couldn't be the fundamental problem that it is bettle that....].

Inaddition, despite the fact that brown bears do eat [be able to damage 感觉eat 不恰当，我这里只是举个例子]yellow cedars to some extent, it cannot be an overall contributor on the basis of the professor's statement. Either the mainland or islands of North America has a declining population of brown bears[the yellow cedar] , which will not set risk on yellow cedars, while the reading passage regards brown bears as a principal cause that absorbs cedars assugar. 【这里的信息不对啦，应该是不管是mainland还是island的yellow cedar数量都在下降，而island是没有熊的，所以熊这个假设不对 】Anyway, it will not play a role even to weaken yellow cedars.


Furthermore,the reading passage forgets an important fact that more yellow cedars die in warmer regions, which can overthrew its claim of the frozen weather reason, as the professor claims. It is admitted that the root system may be sensitive tothe cold weather, but it [指代不明]will not kill the trees. 【虽然意思是有了，这里的细节还不够，最后能具体具体再具体，比如说more yellow cedars die in low elevation area 】As a consequence, this climate aspect is not adequate to explain the reasons behind the declining phenomenon as well in professor's perspective.


【总的来说，文章结构清晰，写作文采挺好的。
tips：1.有些地方用了另一种表达方式可能和文中意思就有差别了
       2. 一定要听清楚lecture中的point！ 搞错了就白写了
       3. 细节一定要很具体。
          加油加油
           有问题可以找我讨论o~】

陈喵喵holdon

8.25 综合 TPO23  修改蓝色good 黄色需修改 红色我改的 绿色批注建议

【这里加上一个according to the lecture 会不会好点，否则总觉得有失客观】Although the professor contends that the causes of the declining population of yellow cedar in northeastern America are unknown, the three factors which are mentioned in the reading passage cannot be blamed to be main attributes [感觉这个词不太适当，用reasons把].


Firstly,according to the professor, yellow cedars actually will not suffer from such a large amount of damage from bettles, which are assumed to be primary killers of yellow cedar tree species in the reading passage, as there are powerful chemicals around this kind of trees to protect them from insect attacks.Additionally, bettles will damage themselves or even die in the cases of cedar attacks,[我听到的是有些受虫害的数本来就是病的，和bettles没啥关系，这里信息不太准确] so that it could not be fundamental bettle problem [这句话表达有点问题，要么说 bettle couldn't be the fundamental problem，要么说 it couldn't be the fundamental problem that it is bettle that....].

Inaddition, despite the fact that brown bears do eat [be able to damage 感觉eat 不恰当，我这里只是举个例子]yellow cedars to some extent, it cannot be an overall contributor on the basis of the professor's statement. Either the mainland or islands of North America has a declining population of brown bears[the yellow cedar] , which will not set risk on yellow cedars, while the reading passage regards brown bears as a principal cause that absorbs cedars assugar. 【这里的信息不对啦，应该是不管是mainland还是island的yellow cedar数量都在下降，而island是没有熊的，所以熊这个假设不对 】Anyway, it will not play a role even to weaken yellow cedars.


Furthermore,the reading passage forgets an important fact that more yellow cedars die in warmer regions, which can overthrew its claim of the frozen weather reason, as the professor claims. It is admitted that the root system may be sensitive tothe cold weather, but it [指代不明]will not kill the trees. 【虽然意思是有了，这里的细节还不够，最后能具体具体再具体，比如说more yellow cedars die in low elevation area 】As a consequence, this climate aspect is not adequate to explain the reasons behind the declining phenomenon as well in professor's perspective.


【总的来说，文章结构清晰，写作文采挺好的。
tips：1.有些地方用了另一种表达方式可能和文中意思就有差别了
       2. 一定要听清楚lecture中的point！ 搞错了就白写了
       3. 细节一定要很具体。
          加油加油
           有问题可以找我讨论o~】

-- by 会员 ykhjy (2012/8/26 14:55:27)

说的很有道理啊！
一样觉得细节很重要！可是听力是我的硬伤，细节是在不确定不敢往上写，像这篇有几个细节也错了，所以非常苦恼啊！
你总结的逻辑+细节这两点很受用！