【写作小分队之Caecar降临！求拍砖，感激不尽！】

lcaecar

第一篇小试牛刀..

agree or disagree :in the past it is easier to identify a job whether it will lead to success.

Many people may believe that there a better life in the past than today, typically in choosing career or job which determine your future. In my opinion, finding an ideal job or career in the past was a hard work because of the lack of information. For instance, you probably never knew what exactly the job was. So it's little chance identifying which type of career or job which had a bright future.

To begin with, today, because of the information exploration, a large number of information which couldn't be presented in the past could be available to everyone who need it today, also it becomes more transparent and easier to be accessible to everyone with accuracy and timelessness than before. A very good example is that now people are able to surf on the internet freely and visit companies' websites to get the introductions or comments of companies or firms, those introductions tell us with more details.

Compared with the past, our society now is relatively fairer in any aspect. People obtain same opportunities to compete a job in spite of considering their private relation with their boss and manager, which considered as an unfair method in the past. The fairer a society is, the greater chance identifying how secure or success a job or career is.                                    .

There is no doubt that what we chose is of great risk, even we had identified that that was a good job. It is possible that the job against our will, it may lead to a terrible ending. Meanwhile, information we got from internet or others perhaps somehow should be misleading. In fact, risk also existed in the past, even more risky than today. Where there is a choice where there is a risk, they are compound and we couldn’t separate risk from choice.

From what I mentioned above, we definitely come to a conclusion--because of a fair, transparent and harmony environment, today it is easier to judge what the ideal job is to ourselves. A good job is a turning point of one's future, and today everyone start from the same starting line.

lcaecar

7.10 独立写作
Do you agree with the following statement that patience is usually not a good strategy, we should take action now rather than later


Each person would ask this question--patiencen is a good strategy? My answer is definately NO. Patience might help in most cases , however, it also means less efficiency most of time. While handling one thing, the vital problem stand in front of us always should be the limited time and  so is correction. Therefore taking action is nessesary_.

First of all, situation is an essential aspect we should take in to account. What kinds of situation we confront determine what kinds strategy we take. For instance, chosing a job is a controversary issue because it leaves many arguement. If we chose patiently to find out the most correct one, opportunity moves out, neither job offered to us. We should take action to get preparation of one, and it turns in to truth that sometimes the little different make little effert but we still spend plenty of time on it. Only take action now, will we be able to catch the opportunity.

Secondly, the time we waste in hesitation turn into our cost, so taking action as fast as possible bring good wealth. Nowadays time is equal to money, by fast dicision and efficient action we are able to finish more work at time same time than stay patiently. Meanwhile, when takeing action, people will have a clarified goal to chase, which push us to acomplish the work stressful in this case work got done not only in a short time, but also in high quality.

And thirdly, there is no doubt that being patient sometimes more stable access to correct solution. On the other hand, its not wealth just focus on this correct solution. One thing about my finalexam essay is a good example. My roomate and I were asked to write an essay about biology, which have a great effect on our grade. He immediately got down to write the eassay, but I still patiently searched information in the liberary and on the internet for proper materials. When it comes to an deadline, he reversioned his eassay for several times, but my eassay hadn't finished even it did not reach the half. That's the result of patinece. All in all, patience is usually not a good strategy, we should take action now rather than later.

sang824

红色修改，蓝色建议

Each person would ask this question--patiencen is(is patience疑问语序) a good strategy? My answer is definately NO. Patience might help in most cases , however, it also means less efficiency most of time. While handling one thing, the vital problem stand in front of us always should be the limited time and  so is correction.不是很明白.. Therefore taking action is nessesary.

First of all, situation is an essential aspect we should take in to account. What kinds of situation we confront determine what kinds strategy we take. For instance, chosing a job is a controversary(controversial) issue because it leaves many arguement. If we chose patiently to find out the most correct one, opportunity moves(moved时态一致) out, neither(none) job offered to us. We should take action to get preparation of one, and it turns in to truth that sometimes the little different make little effert but we still spend plenty of time on it.(这句话看的又不是很明白) Only take action now, will we be able to catch the opportunity.

Secondly, the time we waste in hesitation turn into our cost, so taking action as fast as possible bring good wealth. Nowadays time is equal to money, by fast dicision and efficient action we are able to finish more work at time the same time than stay patiently(不确定这个这个搭配). Meanwhile, when takeing action, people will have a clarified goal to chase, which push us to acomplish(accomplish) the work stressful(是想说stressful work么？) in(d大写开始新的一句) this case work got done not only in a short time, but also in high quality.

And thirdly, there is no doubt that being patient sometimes more stable access to correct solution.(主句缺谓语) On the other hand, its not wealth just focus on this correct solution. One thing about my finalexam essay is a good example. My roomate and I were asked to write an essay about biology, which have(has) a great effect on our grade. He immediately got down to write the essay, but I still patiently searched information in the liberary and on the internet for proper materials. When it comes to an deadline, he reversioned his eassay for several times, but my eassay hadn't finished even it did not reach the half. That's the result of patinece.

All in all, patience is usually not a good strategy, we should take action now rather than later. 建议把最后一句话作为结尾段，可以在丰富一下结尾。

LZ有很多长句，导致结构很不清晰，还有语法错误。ETS的要求是最简洁有效的表达
开头结尾有必要再注意一下，可以多看看经典表达
例子很不错，记着文中经常出现~
加油！

lcaecar

7.11独立作文
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement that it is good for children to have similar jobs with you.

Admittedly, in the past a son always should have similar job with his father, whatever peasant, doctor, officer or merchant. However, attribute to a fair community condition, we obtain more chance to chase our dream with great possibility. Thus, we should try our best follow our own mind to start our career, the same opportunity should also be given to our children.

First of all, as everyone today has obvious personality, people mostly intend to achieve their own goals, which bring them a sense of achievement. To myself, I would like to be a programmer of great computer skills because when I was young, always spend time playing online games and I eager to find out the principle of how game runs so I show an interest in code. In contrary, my father want me to be a accountant that he studied accounting in the college 20 years ago since nowadays accounting mayor graduates are easy to find out a job in the world. Finally he compressed and allowed me to study computer science. If I were studying accounting, I would also make an achievement; after all, it's not my own wills so I would regret I didn’t follow my dream. Base on the example above, my son will freely choose a job he wants.

Secondly, there is no doubt that without parents' protection, a fresh man would face more challenges and difficulties. On one hand, if my son has the similar jobs with me, he would be protecting well and a practiced father-like guide to success. On the other hand, after overcome difficulties, he learns much more than growing under my protection, confidence, responsibility, patience and courage.  A decent job can only teach him to be a obedient employee rather than a boss. Also, by choosing a job differed of mine, he can open eyes and widen his field, associate friends from diverse region; it can enrich his experience and result in a happy life.

All in all, my children's life defined by themselves, what I gave just only a warm family as well as a good education. When they grow up, I have to let them fly by their own wings, I desire they become eagles, flying above blue sky, succeed with great honor in their field, nor still a baby bird in the nest. Choosing a job by themselves not only is a way to their own success but a responsibility as a father.

十分感谢sang824的点评，我还需要提高，简洁的表达

花呀clear

Admittedly, in the past a son always should have similar job with his father, whatever peasant, doctor, officer or merchant. However, attribute to a fair community condition, we obtain more chance to chase our dream with great possibility. Thus, we should try our best to follow our own mind to start our career, the same opportunity should also be given to our children.

First of all, as everyone today has obvious(unique或者distinguished会不会比较好?) personality, people mostly intend to achieve their own goals, which bring them a sense of achievement. To myself, I would like to be a programmer of(with怎么样?) great computer skills because when I was young, I always spend time playing online games and I was eager to find out the principle of how game runs so I show an interest in code.(这段逻辑关系有点乱, 可以这样: I show an interest in code even when I was young. Back then, I always...)In contrary(总感觉however比较好), my father want me to be a accountant that he studied accounting in the college 20 years ago(可以换成 which he majored in college 20 years ago)since nowadays accounting mayor graduates are easy to find out(find即可 或者可用 attain; gain)a job in the world(labor market). Finally he compressed(妥协compromised) and allowed me to study computer science. If I were studying accounting, I would also make an achievement; after all(Nevertheless比较好), it's not my own wills so I would regret I didn’t follow my dream(可用heart 跟之前的wills对应).Base(Based) on the example(experience) above, my son will freely choose a job he wants.

Secondly, there is no doubt that without parents' protection, a fresh man would face more challenges and difficulties. On one hand, if my son has the similar jobs with me, he would be protecting(protected) well and a practiced father-like guide to success(这句有点乱阿...). On the other hand, after overcome difficulties, he learns much more than growing under my protection, (such as)confidence, responsibility, patience and courage. A decent job can only teach him to be a obedient employee rather than a boss. Also, by choosing a job differed of(different from) mine, he can open eyes and widen his field(可用widen his horizon), associate friends from diverse region; it can enrich his experience and result in a happy life.

All in all, my children's life (is) defined by themselves, what I gave(give) just only a warm family as well as a good education. When they grow up, I have to let them fly by their own wings, I desire they become eagles, flying above blue sky, succeed with great honor in their field, nor(rather than) still a baby bird in the nest. Choosing a job by themselves not only is a way to their own success but (is) a responsibility as a father.

LZ结构不是很清晰哎 感觉不是很有说服力的样子 写之前先123的列出个提纲吧
然后有的词用的不是很合适感觉

sang824

LZ 10号作文麻烦改一下谢谢 http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-712417-7-1.html

lcaecar

7.12
Education is still a fresh word to society nowadays. Since the start of 21st century, after the economy crisis, more and more universities and colleges in CHINA choose to spend more effort on career education rather than academic. It's kind of interest to find out the reason behind.

My elder brother is a good example. He recently graduate form university this year, he casted similar problem to me: "is there any necessity for college or university to offer more courses for students career live?" In fact, some students support the idea because as soon as they graduate, they have to apply for a job, with the benefit that enhance their ability to compete with other graduates, such courses is meaningful. On the other hand, like my brother, they disagree with the suggestion for the reason that they are preparing for GRE and the courses seem no sense. Furthermore, they also believe that many companies have already had their specific courses directly relating with such jobs, so it's a waste of education resource and budget.

Moreover, these courses offered by colleges or universities are lack of practical utility, indeed, such knowledge we learn from school just knowledge and mainly focus on theoretical rather than practical. For example, with the low level of practical utility, Chinese students mostly are good at theoretically. This fact means that the absence of practical practice lead to an tremendous waste of education resource.

Finally, overweight courses are kinds of burden to our students. Courses of diverse field no doubt offer an opportunity to access different social culture and interpersonal relation, in addition, plenty of possibility of one's future. However, it's too earlier to students to acquire, in this case, they should accumulate knowledge of art, such as literature, history and fine-art to broaden students horizon.

By the way, whether one take such courses or not has little effect on his career development. In conclusion, universities and colleges should pay more attention on academic for a better education environment.

花呀clear

LZ 我11号的作文你还没有改喔 http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-722793-2-1.html

huluhulufei

Education is still a fresh word to society nowadays. Since the start of 21st century, after the economy crisis, more and more universities and colleges in CHINA choose to spend more effort on career education rather than academic. It's kind of interest（应为interesting）to find out the reason behind. (why go to university 你懂得，很好地融会贯通了~)不过，第一段作者的观点到底是agree 还是disagree? 目前中国的教育都偏向职业教育而非学术，所以呢？　观点不明晰。　

My elder brother is a good example. （example什么？前文并无观点叙述。我confused）He recently graduate form university this year（与recently不重复吗？读着怪）, （两个谓语句子中用逗号隔开不行吧。。要加连接词，不可罗列）he casted similar problem to me: "is there any necessity for college or university to offer more courses for students career live?（什么意思？）" In fact, some students support the idea because as soon as they graduate, they have to apply for a job, with the benefit that enhance their ability to compete with other graduates（however　with　stronger　competitive　ability　among　fellow　studentｓ）, （此处与之前一样，多个谓语句不可罗列，加个连接词，therefore）such courses is meaningful. On the other hand, like my brother, they（指代什么？最好主语直接studentｓ） disagree with the suggestion for the reason that they are preparing for GRE and the courses seem no sense（两者有逻辑是什么？因为考Ｇ而courses无用？最好潜台词说出来）. Furthermore, they also believe that many companies have already had their specific courses directly relating with such jobs, so it's a waste of education resource and budget.

Moreover, these courses offered by colleges or universities are lack of practical utility, indeed, such knowledge we learn from school just knowledge and mainly focus on theoretical rather than practical（这句话indeed后边那些都是伴随语？大可精简，改为：due to their preference for theory area while no practice）. For example, with the low level of practical utility, Chinese students mostly are good at theoretically(语法，自己改). This fact means that the absence of practical practice lead to an（语法，自己改。）tremendous waste of education resource.

Finally, overweight courses are kinds of burden to our students. Courses of diverse field no doubt offer an opportunity to access different social culture and interpersonal relation, in addition（后一般接句子）, plenty of possibility(ies) of one's future. However, it's too earlier to students to acquire, in this case, they should accumulate knowledge of art, such as literature, history and fine-art to broaden students’ horizon.此段观点明确，不过最好展开一下，为何 hardly acquire，更具说服力。

By the way, whether one （加个should）take such courses or not has little effect on his(全文皆指代不明，LZ最好用students’ 代替) career development. In conclusion, universities and colleges should pay more attention on academic for a better education environment.结尾终于给出观点，不过最好有总结全文的点睛之笔，讲原因概括好罗列一下



通读全文发现作者观点，给出意见如下：

1 结构上很清晰，但最好在开篇给出观点，观点要明确。

2 希望LZ多加强语法和语感，句式简洁些。

3 LZ有很好的吸纳优秀文章的经验，望再接再厉，海纳百川！

lcaecar

谢谢huluhulufei 细致并且详细的批评！ 大有裨益啊！