【写作小分队】艾粒丝的作文贴~

Crystaljoy

想问楼主，不需要用明显的例子嘛 ？

-- by 会员 honunu (2012/6/4 9:06:57)

你一说我才意识到 这篇确实没有用具体的例子 但是我寻思那些when开头的条件句也可以当例子看吧?
应该是不一定非得有具体的事例吧我想 当然有的问题举例子让论点更清晰 for example这些会比较好

-- by 会员 花呀clear (2012/6/4 9:35:27)

agreed

蝴蝶渡海

In only certain decades, way to communication has been updated. From letter to e-mail, from telephone to messages, modern people's problem seems to transfer from how to get connected to in which way to discuss. Especially, when it comes to upsetting or controversial problems(problem) to talk about, so many options there and a discussion is therefore raised(这句话有语法错误，and前后不太对称，缺少v，是想表达有太多的选择的而产生了对这个选择的讨论么？如果是option和a discussion对称则后面应当为are): which way would be the best. Some people advocate e-mail or text messaging--indirect way it is--on the grounds that people need to time to heal from（heal from？用法不太对换成recover且前面的to应当去掉） these troubles or to scrutinize the whole situation. Whereas people choose to use telephone or voice-messaging claim that the real and direct voice means sincerity. From my perspective, the key point in this problem lies in the type of people one need to talk with. In other words, it depends on types of the target people.

If one is proposed to talk over problems with his boss or a stranger, then indirect ways like e-mail would be the best. Issues that upset you might have nothing to do with others, in their views, probably. Plus（换成moreover感觉好点）, they are likely to have a bunch of stuff to deal with. In this case, brusque disturb is not a good choice. Instead e-mails or text messaging allow people with time to concern and handle. Moreover, people engaged in fluster are normally agitated and perplexed. Such a condition might be a chance to nourish（cultivate） a friendship, but one would never want to be in a fierce fight with his boss or people one even is unfamiliar to. Editing an e-mail or text-message enables people to organize words nicely and politely, therefore help avoid a debate.

However, when it comes to friends or family members, I would definitely call them immediately. Communications between friends or family members are casual and free, and there should not be any reserve. When one is upset and is vulnerable due to troubles, close people are always the ones to share and to gain some consolation. Direct voice exchanging will bring the maximum comfort. When two intimate people encounter problems, thorough discussion is the step one（first choice？）. Via text-massages or e-mail, words might be misunderstood and instant feedbacks are not guaranteed.

In a word, as I has(have) stated above, when deciding ways to communicate, one probably need to check type of the talking objects. When you are familiar（with him）, instant talking provides sufficient time and effective results. Yet when your target people are your supervisor or strangers, you might need to rethink and discuss through an indirect way.


总感觉作文结构写的很怪，有些字句用法有些高端，但是出错率也是蛮大的，大家一起努力！

花呀clear

谢谢斑竹大人Crystaljoy光临寒舍并给与支持哇...一起加油!!
谢谢蝴蝶的修改!

为嘛都说我结构怪....当初第一段还有句子没改完的作文好歹写了25艾玛.....
还是说我应该保持这种怪怪的风格从而别具一格?
哇哈哈 应该在措辞上跟内容上多下功夫啦
PS.I has 我竟然都写的出来真是要死...那句是最后在这里编辑的 没贴到word上再看真是一个错误....
PPS.今天看TED的一个视频http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMzg3NTI2MjQ0.html 有点跟这个话题相关咧~找时间再重写一下

花呀clear

6.4独立101203NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should encourage their children to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to do their schoolwork.


Your kid is working on a seemingly tough schoolwork. He frowned and is confused. After a while, he comes to you and says "Dad/Mom, can you help me solve this one?" What would you answer? As a parent, it appears that you are obligated to give a hand to your children. After all, these little ones are young, simple and innocent. For that matter, I am in favor of help from parents in some complicated situations that are truly out of children's reaches. Yet when it comes to educational matters, I would prefer to "leave the kids alone". State differently, encourage them to finish schoolwork independently.

The most delightful period through people's whole life would be the time from infancy to youth age. No one can deny that children's dominant duty is playing. Yet we can also not veto that this period is an essential period for people's development of characters. Among all the characters, Independence cannot be put more emphasis. Everyone need to learn how to live by themselves, how to deal with problems on their own. Various complex difficulties and intractable problems are waiting in the future; a kid who cannot complete his simply schoolwork alone would be stranded when facing those real troubles. Therefore, independence should be inspired by parents in daily life. Doing homework alone is an excellent chance to tell kids that "sometimes you have to be on your own."

Some might argue that dealing with untoward homework probably diminishes children's confidence, which is also a crucial character for people. Certain reasons will ease you up.First, most of teachers who assigned the homeworker are experienced; they are clear about their students' level. Normally, level of difficulty of homework is arranged at an average one so that majority of students could finish it neither too hard nor too easy. On some occasions homework might be a little more complicated, well, at that time children can just learn that things are not always relax to handle. Plus, it is also a good chance for the children to review what they have learned.

On the country, if a parent assists immediately, children might have the illusion that they master the knowledge, or even worse, produce dependence on their parents, whereas accomplishing problems solely will promote one to be more independent. Take myself as an example, when I was in elementary school, one day I asked my parents a math problem which confused me. Instead patient explanation, they just asked me to scrutinize the question and solve it myself. Frankly speaking, I was depressed even with a little bit resent. But when I finally worked it out, the rapturous feelings were incredible. First time in my life, I tasted the sweet of independence, and therefore shaped my whole person.

From what I have stated above, leaving kids alone with their homework would be a better choice for parents. After all, independence has a far-reaching effect on a person's life. Children ought to practice to be on their own from small things such as doing homework alone.

婷婷connie

6.4独立101203NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should encourage their children to do their schoolwork independently rather than help children to do their schoolwork.
帮鹤鹤过来挑错啦~~

红色错误，蓝色疑惑，高亮赞一个

Your kid is working on a seemingly tough schoolwork. He frowned(frowns) and is confused. After a while, he comes to you and says "Dad/Mom, can you help me solve this one?" What would you answer? As a parent, it appears thatyou are obligated to give a hand to your children（child除非是生了很多个呀）. After all, these little ones are young, simple and innocent. For that matter, I amin favor of（the）help from parents in some complicated situations that are truly out of children's reaches. Yet when it comes to educational matters, I would prefer to "leave the kids alone". State differently, encourage(encouraging)them to finish schoolwork independently.
感觉这个开始段很长，真要在考场上是不能发挥出来的。As a parent..out of children's reaches 可以省。


The most delightful period through people's whole life would be the time from infancy to youth age. No one can deny that children's dominant（dominantadj. 显性的；占优势的；支配的，统治的,用primary之类的吧）duty is playing. Yet we can also not veto that this period is an essential period for people's development of characters. Among all the characters, Independence(independence) cannot be put more emphasis. Everyone need(needs) to learn how to live by themselves, how to deal with problems on their own. Various complex difficulties and intractable problems are waiting in the future(around the corner也行哈); a kid who cannot complete his simply（simple） schoolwork alone would be stranded when facing those real troubles. Therefore, independence should be inspired by parents in daily life. Doing homework alone is an excellent chance to tell kids that "sometimes you have to be(go) on your own."

Some might argue that dealing with untoward homework probably diminishes children's confidence, which is also a crucial character for people. Certain reasons will ease you up.First(这一段没有明确的层次关系，不要用first), most of teachers who assigned the homeworker are experienced; they are clear about their students' level. Normally, level of difficulty of homework is arranged at an average one so that majority of students could finish it neither too hard nor too easy. On some occasions homework might be a little more complicated, well, at that time children can just learn that things are not always relax to handle. Plus, it is also a good chance for the children to review what they have learned.

On the country, if a parent assists immediately, children might have the illusion that they master（have mastered） the knowledge, or even worse, produce (great)dependence on their parents, whereas accomplishing problems solely will promote one to be more independent. Take myself as an example, when I was in elementary school, one day I asked my parents a math problem which confused me. Instead patient explanation, they just asked me to scrutinize the question and solve it （by）myself. Frankly speaking, I was depressed even with a little bit resent(resentment). But when I finally worked it out, the rapturousfeelings were incredible. First time in my life, I tasted the sweet of independence, and therefore shaped my whole person（personality）.

From what I have stated above, leaving kids alone with their homework would be a better choice for parents. After all, independence has a far-reaching effect on a person's life.(Therefore), Children ought to practice to be on their own from small things such as doing homework alone.


Conclusion:写的太棒了，撒花儿~

1.婷婷从里面学到好多单词，不过个别的词性要注意一下

2.篇幅有点长，要压缩，养成平时就像在考场上写文的习惯

3.第一个主段给一个ts，让人一眼就能知道这一段在写什么

花呀clear

7.11独立
Every graduation year would be a hard time for both graduates and their parents. Biggest problem the graduates face would be how to stretch their career paths. It is inevitable that some parents are willing to see their children step into the same career field like theirs. Nevertheless, side effects of this desire are criticized by the public as well. From my perspective, however, it is an excellent opportunities for the graduates. I will elaborate the reasons one by one.

Let's start from the hot spots in every newspaper during the graduation season. A number of graduates fail to find a job and the some of the "lucky ones" are just not that qualified for their position and therefore have a tough time. In these cases, the essential point is that the graduates do not familiar with this job or this career. They have no ideas what qualifications really matter or what skills they have to master to complete their assignments perfectly. With a parent that has similar job would be a key to these problems. Parent could coach or simply tell them what to do, thus these children could be well-prepared for their future job, and might get promotion way quicker than others.

Second advantage would be mature network. There is no doubt that in modern society network is an vital factor for the development of one's career. Generally, to build up an effective network from the very beginning, at least a couple of years are needed, whereas with Parent that engages in the same job, all the green hand need to do is to be introduced by their parents and to keep touch with these seniors once in a while. Plus, with parent in this circle, children are more likely to gain opportunities others hard to reach.
The last merit would be about relationship between parents and children. Many parents complain that the generation gap becomes larger ever since their children entering the market force which parents barely know about. It is awkward for both children and parents that have supper together but silently. However, job could be a fantastic topic if both occupy the similar job. Children could pour out the difficulties they encounter in their work, and parents could put forward some suggestions based on their fruitful experience. Correspondingly, relationship in a family will be more and more harmonious.

In a nutshell, it will benefit both the children themselves and the parents if they have the similar jobs. Admittedly, there might be some minor side effect such as hindering children's independence, but the advantages way outweigh the disadvantages. Compared the disadvantages, all of the merits mentioned above obviously have far-reaching effects for the graduates and their career paths as well.

芒果15号

Every graduation year would be a hard time for both graduates and their parents. The biggest problem the graduates face would be how to stretch their career paths. It is inevitable that some parents are willing to see their children step into the same career fields like(弱弱的问题下，这里用as可以吗？) theirs. Nevertheless, side effects of this desire are criticized by the public as well. From my perspective, however, it is an excellent opportunities for the graduates感觉这里还少点东西~~. I will elaborate the reasons one by one.

Let's start from the hot spots in every newspaper during the graduation season. A number of graduates fail to find a job and the some of the "lucky ones" are just not that qualified for their position and therefore have a tough time. In these cases, the essential point is that the graduates do not familiar with this job or this career.（后面有一个or的句式，这里用neither nor变换一下是不是会更好一点？。。） They have no ideas what qualifications really matter or what skills they have to master to complete their assignments perfectly. With a parent that has similar job would be a key to these problems. （这句话语法好像有点毛病呀） Parent could coach or simply tell them what to do, thus these children could be well-prepared for their future jobs, and might get promotion wayquicker than others.

Second advantage would be mature network. There is no doubt that in modern society network is an vital factor for the development of one's career. Generally, to build up an effective network from the very beginning, at least a couple of years are needed, whereas with Parent that engages in the same job, all the green hand need to do is to be introduced by their parents and to keep touch with these seniors once in a while. Plus, with parent in this circle, children are more likely to gain opportunities others hard to reach.

The last merit would be about relationship between parents and children. Many parents complain that the generation gap becomes larger ever since their children entering the market force which parents barely know about. It is awkward for both children and parents that have supper together but silently. However, job could be a fantastic topic if both occupy the similar job. Children could pour out the difficulties they encounter in their work, and parents could put forward some suggestions based on their fruitful experiences. Correspondingly, relationship in a family will be more and more harmonious.

In a nutshell, it will benefit both the children themselves and their parents if they have the similar jobs. Admittedly, there might be some minor side effect such as hindering children's independence, but the advantages way outweigh the disadvantages. Compared the disadvantages, all of the merits mentioned above obviously have far-reaching effects for the graduates and their career paths as well.

花儿的思路很清晰啊~也很有逻辑~~~学习拉~~
俺水平有限，只能挑些小错出来~~我也加入写作小分队啦~以后请多多指教哦~~

lcaecar

红色 修改
蓝色 建议
Every graduation year would be a hard time for both graduates and their parents. Biggest The biggest problem the graduates face would be how to stretch their career paths. It is inevitable that some parents are willing to see their children step into the same career field like theirs. Nevertheless, side effects of this desire are criticized by the public as well. From my perspective, however, it is an excellent opportunities for the graduates. I will elaborate the reasons one by one.

Let's start from the hot spots in every newspaper during the graduation season. A number of graduates fail to find a job and the some of the "lucky ones" are just not that qualified for their position and therefore have a tough time. (用 neither nor 的句型会比较好)In these cases, the essential point is that the graduates do not familiar with this job or this career. They have no ideas what qualifications really matter or what skills they have to master to complete their assignments perfectly. With a parent that has similar job would be a key to these problems. Parent They could coach or simply tell them what to do(give great instruction 会更好), thus these children could be well-prepared for their future job, and might get promotion way quicker than others.

Second advantage would be mature interpersonal network. 人际网络There is no doubt that in modern society network is an vital factor for the development of one's career. Generally, to build up an effective network from the very beginning, at least a couple of years are needed,中式表达了.. whereas with Parent that engages in the same job, all the green hand need to do is to be introduced by their parents and to keep touch with these seniors once in a while. Plus, with parent in this circle, children are more likely to gain opportunities others are hard to reach.
The last merit would be about relationship between parents and children. Many parents complain that the generation gap becomes larger ever since their children entering the market force which parents barely know about. It is awkward for both children and parents that have supper together but silently. However, job could be a fantastic topic if both occupy the similar job. Children could pour out the difficulties they encounter in their work, and parents could put forward some suggestions based on their fruitful experience. Correspondingly, relationship in a family will be more and more harmonious.

In a nutshell, it will benefit both the children themselves and the parents if they have the similar jobs. Admittedly, there might be some minor side effect such as hindering children's independence, but the advantages way outweigh the disadvantages. Compared the disadvantages, all of the merits mentioned above obviously have far-reaching effects for the graduates and their career paths as well.

逻辑性很强的文章
但是特定句式的痕迹很重...可以尝试改写一下自己的，advantages outweigh, mentioned above .. have far-reaching effects etc
可以放在中间的段落，相反中间的段落缺少development
继续加油一起努力~