【写作小分队之Caecar降临！求拍砖，感激不尽！】

lcaecar

你好， 我改作文得水平很差， 请见谅。

关于你的作文，我觉得整体还可以，有自己得模板，这样在时间上和数量上能控制得很好。

但是，你的语言看起来很中国话，不是很通顺，如果是这样得话，我觉得反而不需要那些比较生僻的词。

不过如果，你觉得这样分数会低得话，建议你看看杨鹏难句什么的， 那个写起来会让人觉得很高深。

7.21

When we do some works in a team,(it comes to team work), The conflictsthat between one is unsatisfied with or another's work cannot be avoided. Somebelieve that whether a person accept criticism from one another in ateam or not will not affect his achievement. However, lacking the ability oftolerating or accept criticism means also lackingin ability of team collaboration, even worse it might influence other membersand fail in the project. Thus, accepting criticism is necessity of one'sspirit.

To begin with, working in one team means everyone shouldobserve team rules, and gives or accepts advice or criticism mutually. In mostcases, a team member should not only focus on his work, but also by givingsuggestions to other members to avoid mistakes. Team spirit is a crucial pointwhen members spare effort in pursuing goals, so the stability is used to determine if a team willachieve. 这句话看不懂，无法理解）Acceptingother's criticism helps team members to find out shortage of his work, and maintaincorrect （应该是帮助发现错误然后改正吧， maintain 我理解得意思是保持）it.Furthermore, it is a good way enhances cohesiverelationship between team members.

Besides, criticism is like a spur, it stimulate our mindto make sure our work correctly and efficiently. In addition, by acceptingcriticism, we will be able to figure out weakness of ourselves. Last semester,our teacher had assigned a presentation about global warming and we must workin group finding material in library. Xiao Ming, one of my team members, alwayscriticized about my work, and I did not accept his criticism at first. Then when it comes to we made final check of ourpresentation, it turned out those materials I collected were totally irrelevantto our topic, and Xiao Ming's was right. As a result I had to do thesame work again and apologized to him for ignoring his criticism. I learned alot from this event that no one is perfectly right and we everyone everybody make so many mistakes that could be avoidby there is necessary to detect them by acceptcriticism of others.

Undeniably , some peopleare more excellent than other anyone of us, and he makes great contribution to theteam. It seems that criticisms suggested by others are useless. However,without the rest of members' help, the goal couldn't be achieved, it’s not doesn't just the personal achievement mattersbut sense of the team honor. Or it’s the teamhonor matters rather than personal achievement.

According to the point I mentioned above, criticisms help us figure out our weakness and stimulate us to do work better,both of which are essential condition leading to success. Without team spirit,a man will never success.

-- by 会员 sherryzhangh (2012/7/22 15:33:14)

第一篇我也觉得写的很suck,麻烦帮检查一下第二篇怎么样..
虽然语法简单，但是还算通顺的吧..

lcaecar

7.22
When it comes to the topic of dreams and goals, some people believe achieving realistic goals is there best choice. Realistic goals afford them an opportunity to accomplish a task which matters time spending. In their view of ambitious dreams are not realistic and there is no one can reach the end of the goal. From my prospective, I believe dreams are the fuel of motivation, and it stimulates us to chase the goals. Even though it may not come true, but it is crucial that dreams prove that we had tried once, and had influence our whole life.

To begin with, dreams bring us a sense of honor. They also give us self-confidence and tenacity. During chasing the dream, we can overcome many obstacles which we are afraid of and once defeated in the very beginning. Furthermore, though they are unrealistic we still finish a certain amount of realistic goals during the trip. For example, one of my friends dreams that he can have a further education in America, because he likes electric engineering, and it is the fact that the study of electric engineering in America is the best all over the world. Actually he could not afford the study in America, so studying in America is an unrealistic goal for him. However, he still took a toefl test and applied some schools. Consequently, he was rejected by all which he wanted to study to, but by the improvement of his English, he got a perfect job in a international company. We can conclude from my friend that even if we fail to the ambitious dream, on the other hand we cultivate potential and prove ourselves.

Besides, ambitious dreams and goals give us more motivation than realistic goals. It gives us no reason for being lazy as well as boosts efficiency of doing everything. In most cases, people always excuse for their low efficiency due to lacking of motivation. Without ambitious dreams, everything seems hard to cope with. Because of such motivation, it push my friend to learn English, and English is the most difficult subject for him in the very beginning. If he had wanted to apply a job in an international company, he could not improve his English skills so well.

In addition, ambitious dream and goals come with enjoyment. Achieving realistic goals stands for fulfilling a task, so most of people are obliged for reaching those goals. None of them are intuitive, while those who have ambitious dreams and goals are in favor chasing there dream. Thus, it is obvious that dreams lie the foundation of success.

Admittedly, achieving realistic goals has its own merit. Generally speaking, following ambitious dreams and goals is rational and perhaps the best option which is supposed to focus on.

lcaecar

7.23


When it comes to the bad performance at school, most of parents think firstly that watching TV is the chief reason why their children do not like studying. However, we cannot criticize on watching TV, because watching TV not just provides junk information, on the other hand, they also are certain amount of benefits. Thus, we cannot attribute all those fault to TV program.

To begin with, students’ performance at school is no related to how much time they spent on TV. For example, one of my best friends is addicted to watching TV. Nevertheless, he also is the best student in our class. And we probably never believe that: “Is it true?". I will tell you that it is true. When watching TV, he never wastes his time on entertainment or comic movies or animations. He enjoys watching those programs which he can acquire knowledge from. By accumulation knowledge from such programs, he has learnt many things that teacher will not mention in the class, as result he becomes the most knowledgeable student among my friends.

Besides, in order to help students with their studying, parents should conduct their children to watch some that is useful, as my friend does. Some of those parents claim that their children waste time in watching TV and that is the TV's fault. However, they don't believe because they rarely tell to their children what program wealth is and what program trashy is. My friend's favorite TV program is DISCOVERY, which is a program that aims at spreading knowledge. He mostly costs in geology, and physics series, also he takes notes for memorizing. We can conclude that a good TV program help students to acquire knowledge.

In addition, watching TV is not the major factor that causing students’ bad performance. Other triggers such as Computer, Social network, etc. are all the factor push them out of knowledge. Students are victims of all those technological things.

In conclusion, watching TV is not the only factor that makes students perform bad at school, so there is no need for parents to limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV. From my prospective, they should conduct their children and transform the knowledge from TV into high marks at school.

huluhulufei

When it comes to the topic of dreams and goals, some people believe achieving realistic goals is there best choice. Realistic goals afford them an opportunity to accomplish a task which matters time spending. In their view of ambitious dreams are not realistic(their 指代不明，而且很有问题。上文说的是支持为梦想而奋斗的人，现在说的是认为梦想不现实的人，指的是一类人？而且，此句语法有误，应为：In their views, ambitious dreams are not realistic) and there is no one can reach the end of the goal. From my prospective, I believe dreams are the fuel of motivation(fuel 与 motivation 同意，因为： the source of motivation), and it stimulates us to chase the goals. Even though it may not come true, but it is crucial that dreams prove that we had tried once, and had influence our whole life.(首先， even though 和but能一起用吗？其次，it is crucial that dreams prove that we had tried once 的意思是：梦想证明我们试过因此是很关键的，这个与你原来的意思偏差了。楼主是不是想说，梦想证明我们曾经奋斗过？不过即使是这个意思，也偏离主题了)



开篇入题自然，不过指代的问题很让我confused，而且最后一句话不仅有语法问题，还偏离主题。论点鲜明。


To begin with, dreams bring us a sense of honor. They also give us self-confidence and tenacity. During chasing the dream, we can overcome many obstacles which we are afraid of and once defeated （加个us）in the very beginning. Furthermore, though they(指代不明！！应为： dreams)are unrealistic we still finish a certain amount of realistic goals during the trip. For example, one of my friends dreams that he can have a further education in America, because he likes electric engineering, and it is the fact that the study of electric engineering in America is the best all over the world. Actually he could not afford the study in America, so studying in America is an unrealistic goal for him. However, he still took(前后时态不一致) a toefl test and applied some schools. Consequently（从何处见得这个地方是‘因此’的逻辑关系？更何况前边有一个：however。此处应为： Unfortunately）, he was rejected by all(加个：universities)which(应为：where) he wanted to study to(应为：in), but by the improvement of his English, he got a perfect job in a(应为：an) international company. We can conclude from my friend that even if we fail to the ambitious dream, on the other hand we cultivate potential (什么意思？) and prove ourselves.
观点明确，例子扣题。
Besides, ambitious dreams and goals give us more motivation than realistic goals. It gives us no reason for being lazy as well as（应为：however. 否则你整个句子的意思就是：他没有给我们任何理由让我们偷懒，以及更有效率地做某事。这个逻辑关系楼主需要注意，是转折而不是并列！）boosts efficiency of doing everything. In most cases, people always excuse for their low efficiency due to lacking of motivation. Without ambitious dreams, everything seems hard to cope with. Because of such（指代？？？？） motivation, it pushes my friend to learn English（这句话有问题，应为： It is the motivation from ambitious dreams that pushes my friend to learn English）, and English is the most difficult subject for him in the very beginning. If he had wanted to apply a job in an international company, he could not improve his English skills so well.
观点明确。只是楼主的指代问题比较严重,而且对句子的掌控能力也不是很好。
In addition, ambitious dream and goals come with enjoyment. Achieving realistic goals stands for fulfilling a task, so most of people are obliged for（很感激？？什么意思？逻辑何在？） reaching those goals（这句话什么意思？）. None of them（指代。。。。这个them 指谁？？？） are intuitive（？？怎么突然就到这了？有点莫名其妙的感觉）, while those who have ambitious dreams and goals are in favor chasing there dream（their dreams）. Thus, it is obvious that dreams lie(lay) the foundation of success.

这段有点混乱啊，没看懂什么意思。。。
Admittedly, achieving realistic goals has its own merit. Generally speaking, following ambitious dreams and goals is rational and perhaps the best optionwhich is supposed to focus on.





1 我感觉楼主应该注意指代。全文多处出现指代问题，让人看了之后不明所以。没有任何铺垫，就出来they, such 之类的。感觉很困惑！

2 句子。楼主应该学会如何表达出自己想表达的意思。很多东西因为逻辑用词不准确就完全曲解了楼主本意。

3 文章内容，比如第三段就比较混乱，而且有些跑题。

4 用词。我感觉是这样，考试的时候，行云流水，语义通顺的文章是上佳的，楼主不必过分追求一些词汇。有些简单的词汇往往能起到四两拨千金的效果。应该先把句子和语法和逻辑的基础打好，这样写出来的文章要舒服，好看得多。



加油！！

lcaecar

抽象的话题一直是我的弱项，单词也是
be obliged to 是被迫的意思..
intuitive 那里是想打voluntary的，当初也不知道怎么打了intuitive。原意是那些只为了完成任务的人被迫去实现目标，但是他们都不是主动去做的，但是那些有梦想的人会主动追求目标，所以有梦想的人才会成功

谢谢feifei的深刻的批评，我会努力提升代词和词汇方面的水平的！

huluhulufei

Sorry, be obliged to 是被强迫的意思。。。我才疏学浅。。。
改文章的时候，我言辞可能凌厉了一些，只是把有问题的地方挑出来，其他好的地方都没有说。。。。见谅！！

lcaecar

有这样严厉的挑错才好~互相加油啊

kchszy061ban

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

When it comes to the bad performance at school, most of parents think firstly that watching TV is the chief reason why their children do not like studying（perform well？要不然就和上一部分不照应额）. However, we cannot criticize on watching TV, because watching TV not just provides junk information, on the other hand, they also are（have） certain amount of benefits. Thus, we cannot attribute all those faults to TV program（去掉）.

To begin with, students’ performance at school is no related to how much time they spent on （watching）TV. For example, one of my best friends is addicted to watching TV. Nevertheless, he also（与Nevertheless重复） is the best student in our class. And we probably never believe that: “Is it true?". I will tell you that it is true. When watching TV, he never wastes his time on entertainment or comic movies or animations. He enjoys watching those programs which he can acquire knowledge from. By accumulation knowledge from such programs, he has learnt many things that teacher will not mention in the class, as a result he becomes the most knowledgeable student（one） among my friends.

Besides, in order to help students with their studying, parents should conduct their children to watch some that is useful, as my friend does. Some of those parents claim that their children waste time in（on） watching TV and that is the TV's fault. However, they don't believe because they rarely tell to their children what program wealth is（is wealth） and what program trashy is(is trashy). My friend's favorite TV program is DISCOVERY, which is a program that aims at spreading knowledge. He mostly costs in geology, and physics series, also he takes notes for memorizing. We can conclude that a good TV program help students to acquire knowledge.

In addition, watching TV is not the major factor that causing students’ bad performance. Other triggers such as Computer, Social network, etc. are all the factors push them out of knowledge. Students are victims of all those technological things(facilities or equipments).

In conclusion, watching TV is not the only factor that makes students perform bad at school, so there is no need for parents to limit the hours that a child spends on watching TV. From my prospective, they should conduct their children and transform the knowledge from TV into(in order to help their children to achieve) high marks at school.
每一段都加例子的话就可以增加字数，
然后就是分论点不要重复。可以分为社会，家庭，个人。父母，孩子，校方来分别论述，这样就可以显得逻辑很好。
我晚些时候交作业额，写好了给你留言。嘿嘿，麻烦了！

lcaecar

7月25日110304NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.

When it comes to the question that will most important problems in today's world be solved in our life time? I guess most of people believe the most important problems cannot be solved after dacades, as people in the world mostly are trapping into economy crisis, wars, food crisis, etc. it seens no possible to haddle all of these problem in our life time, because they  are full of challenge, human will never fulfill the dream of solving all the problem. In fact, due to the technological development, we are able to solve those most important problems to some degree. My reasons are as follows.

To begin with, technological development is far more than peoople can imagine. For example, there is a research claim that cancer probably can be solved, since the advancement of biotechnology and medical. Scientist believe that before 2015, a new way to cure cancer can be put on the market and that would drimaticly reduce dead rate of cancer. It is the great news for those patients who suffer from cancer. This most important problem can be solved in our lifetime.

Besides, the environment problem will be solved. Environmental problem is the one of the most important problems in the world. Since there millions of people living in certain dirty areas, with decteriorated water, polluted air and shortage of water, all of this problem attribute to the decline of environment condition. However, many countries have focused on this big problem, and they signed great amount of committment to perserve the ecosystem, protect the environment. By this way, environment problem can be extinct after a few years and everyone in the world would enjoy the benefit comes from a better environment.

In addition, there still some problems that hard to cope with, for example, the War. Where there is human, there is wars. On the other hand, we can solve this problem by virtual wars, like information wars. In the future, people would fight in fiction world rather than real world.

Ademittedly, many problems newadays seen incredible to solve them all but if we human keep moving, alongside the technology development, I believe most important problems in today's world will be solved in our life time.

lcaecar

Nowadays, due to the international trade development the connection between countries are more strengthened than in the past. There is not any country can develop alone despite the global economy. With the high-speed development of technology and science, people can get a large number of information from diverse medium, such as TV, internet, magazine, newspaper, etc. However, there are a certain amount of information happened around the world that is unlikely related to our daily life. From my prospective, I believe it is good to know more about the world even if it does not have influence on our life.

First of all, the events happened abroad are mirrors, they reflect the result of certain determination. These events help us to avoid making the same mistake or to gain the similar profit from the events happened around the world. In most cases, when facing a problem, people probably tend to find out solutions that our ancestors had created. In modern society, things change rapidly, so we can learn something from the events happened in other country.

What's more, when people talks about these events happen around the world, it is undeniably beneficial to improve our social connection. Talking different events happened in different country are of importance for information exchange, and it will vastly promote social skills even though the events have nothing to do with our life.

Admittedly, knowing these events somewhat is wasting our precious time. On the other hand, we are living in a plant world, every country is connected in a whole big world. Every event happened in one country must have influenced others. For example, if China workers stop working for a week, the products of factory will not be finish, and it affects the global economy.

In conclusion, even events happening around the world are unlikely affect our daily life, the events have their own merit, they give information about how the world changing, they broaden our horizon. It seems irrelevant to our life, but they indeed influence us from many aspects which are invisible.