【写作小分队】sang的作文贴，求狠拍！

tyyhappy

紫色是建议，蓝色是疑问，黄色是高亮，红色是修改。最后是废话·····以我的水平提不出什么建议·····
Undeniably, our society develops at a rapid rate, and a majority of people hold the viewpoint that the experience and lessons in the past cannot benefit us anymore. However, from my perspective, when faced with problems of the present and the future, it is still necessary to review the past in order to come over (come over 是顺便，抓住的意思，come it over[俚语] 是“对…作威作福，称王称霸；对…摆威风；凌驾于…之上”的意思，用overcome吧) them in an efficient way.

Initially, an effective method of management, which led to a pleasing consequence in the past, can serve as a great example for present and future. For all the newly-grown industry or companies which intend to enlarge their service （加个ranges可好？）, the successful experience is of great value. An example of a well-known food company can best illustrate the idea. HDL, a company which is known for satisfied（satisfying） service for customers, attracts people all over the country despite that the food is not as tasteful as some typical ones（觉得用despite that 绕嘴，不如直接though）. People never get bored when they wait to get seated （+inside）because they are provided with various ways to kill time, such as chess, delicious snacks or nail-painting. Thus, it is never too exaggerated to assert that the success of HDL can serve as a classical example for all service industries which are eager to find （thirsty for。这么改是因为我读的时候to有点多，别扭。还有这个句子有点长啊） a perfect way to attract customers either in the present or the future. （这么讲好不好“Thus, it is never too exaggerated to assert that the success of HDL can serve as a classical example，either in the present or the future， for all service industries which are thirsty for a perfect way to attract customers.”）
(严谨有力的论证过程，稀罕。)

Furthermore, the failure of certain events is useful to warn people in the present or future to avoid making the same mistakes as well. In this way, they can achieve their goals without wasting large amounts of energy and money.（加个For instance,） A sport shop estimated its potential quantities of climbing products based on theory, rather than measurement. Consequently, (觉得用as 改成因果关系更好理解句子)the decline of economy brought less people than usual to the mountain areas, and that shop suffered from a huge, but unnecessary loss if they had taken more aspects into consideration（这个条件状语加在这里不通顺呀）. Obviously, the lesson of such sport shop is able to remind people in the present and future to make solution（solution解决方案，不合适哈） on research, not on theory.

Admittedly, with the development of science and technology, a multitude （of）new equipments （equipment） and new ways of management come out. People may thus indicate that the old methods are totally out of date. Nevertheless, the basic principals (principals) never change with the elapse of time, such as the theory ”Customer is god” and the regulation that ”Honesty is the bottom line ”. Every time people desire to make a different decision or try something new to solve a problem, review and stick to these classical rules（reviewing and sticking to these classical rules觉得应该用伴随）, it would definitely ensure them（they，ensure后面加n或者句子ensure sb do sth 很少见） act in an appropriate way.

In a nutshell, taken both warning and benefits of past events into account, I just arrive at the conclusion that it is imperative to review the past in order to solve today or future’s difficulties smoothly.

To sang。

很好的文，我只能鸡蛋里面挑骨头了····

词汇丰富，句式结构很好。论证思路很好。例子很好。

Crystaljoy

我来啦~~~让sang久等啦

Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently.

“What should we do when our children（are） confronted with problems and assignments? Are we supposed to help them figure out all the difficulties or just let them act in their own way?” Such are common concerns raised among (by) parents about the right way to educate their children. From my own perspective, encouraging children to do their work independently is definitely the most appropriate way for the following reasons.

To begin with, for one thing, only by finishing tasks without assistance from others can one form the ability to solve problems independently. For another, it is almost impossible to rely on parents during ones (one’s) whole lifetime. Therefore, developing ones (one’s) own skill and power to come over challenges and obstacles is necessary(主语太长，不符合美语表达习惯，建议it’s necessary to…的句型。). （For instance, 添上表示逻辑链条的指示）My sister was send (sent) to a boarding school at a very young age, where she did everything by herself, such as making her own schedule, arranging her monthly expense（budget） in an appropriate way and solving her difficulties at school by her own means. As a result, my sister becomes more mature than (other 比较) children of her age. Not only did her (she主语) reduce the concerns and pressure of her parents, but also equip herself with courage and ability to face whatever life brings to her.


Furthermore, letting children do their work by themselves offers them an opportunity to make mistakes and thus make progress. （This is because）People would never realize their weakness if they follow whatever parents told (tell) them. (Take my friend Amy for an example.) (后面举例的时态要统一，都用过去时或者都用现在时。)Amy was the apple of her parents’ eyes because she is (as简化) the only child of her family, and both teachers and neighbors speak highly of her well behaves（可以做N？hehavior） as well as perfect performance at school. Well commented as she is (it seems), she (is) never aware of her internal shortcoming. However,(前后是顺承，不是转折啊) during the military training at（in）the last year of elementary school, she has totally no idea of how to make up her own bed and how to deal with her dirty clothes without her parents doing everything for her（aside。感觉这句写的比较啰嗦呢）. In this way,（用这种方法？In that note,）it is never too exaggerated to assert that it is imperative to learn to finish one’s own task.（结论跟这段要论证的不太符合啊，最好是论点句的同意转换就好了）


Admittedly, children are too young to consider issues from various aspects and come up with a wonderful solution some times（all the time）. I would like to admit that,(跟第一个词重复。Actually，) under such circumstance, what parents should do is to encourage their children to make（grow up through感觉鼓励试错太。。。鼓励成长吧。） trial and error, rather than point them (out) a light, quick method（directly）. They may surprisely (有这个词么？Much to their surprise,)find that their children are（,in most cases,） able to solve a math equation in a more effective way, or come up with more creative and innovative ideas.


In a nutshell, as the saying goes (,)“Never let children be flowers in the warm room.” Struggling in a rough path is a more meaningful and impressive way to grow up. Therefore, I can come to the conclusion that parents should by every means encourage their children to work independently without hesitation.



基本的内容、结构都很完美啦。几点小建议：

语法错误比较多，时态、主语谓语等都是写作基本功，一定要尽量做到百分百正确，不然这种低级错误很影响考官对你作文的整体印象的。

句子有些散，建议多用些逻辑连接词，加强句子间的逻辑。

语言有种汉翻英的感觉，建议再多积累一些短的、地道的表达结构。

sang824

我来啦~~~让sang久等啦

Parents should help children to do their work or encourage children to do their work independently.

“What should we do when our children（are） confronted with problems and assignments? Are we supposed to help them figure out all the difficulties or just let them act in their own way?” Such are common concerns raised among (by) parents about the right way to educate their children. From my own perspective, encouraging children to do their work independently is definitely the most appropriate way for the following reasons.

To begin with, for one thing, only by finishing tasks without assistance from others can one form the ability to solve problems independently. For another, it is almost impossible to rely on parents during ones (one’s) whole lifetime. Therefore, developing ones (one’s) own skill and power to come over challenges and obstacles is necessary(主语太长，不符合美语表达习惯，建议it’s necessary to…的句型。). （For instance, 添上表示逻辑链条的指示）My sister was send (sent) to a boarding school at a very young age, where she did everything by herself, such as making her own schedule, arranging her monthly expense（budget） in an appropriate way and solving her difficulties at school by her own means. As a result, my sister becomes more mature than (other 比较) children of her age. Not only did her (she主语) reduce the concerns and pressure of her parents, but also equip herself with courage and ability to face whatever life brings to her.


Furthermore, letting children do their work by themselves offers them an opportunity to make mistakes and thus make progress. （This is because）People would never realize their weakness if they follow whatever parents told (tell) them. (Take my friend Amy for an example.) (后面举例的时态要统一，都用过去时或者都用现在时。)Amy was the apple of her parents’ eyes because she is (as简化) the only child of her family, and both teachers and neighbors speak highly of her well behaves（可以做N？hehavior） as well as perfect performance at school. Well commented as she is (it seems), she (is) never aware of her internal shortcoming. However,(前后是顺承，不是转折啊) during the military training at（in）the last year of elementary school, she has totally no idea of how to make up her own bed and how to deal with her dirty clothes without her parents doing everything for her（aside。感觉这句写的比较啰嗦呢）. In this way,（用这种方法？In that note,）it is never too exaggerated to assert that it is imperative to learn to finish one’s own task.（结论跟这段要论证的不太符合啊，最好是论点句的同意转换就好了）


Admittedly, children are too young to consider issues from various aspects and come up with a wonderful solution some times（all the time）. I would like to admit that,(跟第一个词重复。Actually，) under such circumstance, what parents should do is to encourage their children to make（grow up through感觉鼓励试错太。。。鼓励成长吧。） trial and error, rather than point them (out) a light, quick method（directly）. They may surprisely (有这个词么？Much to their surprise,)find that their children are（,in most cases,） able to solve a math equation in a more effective way, or come up with more creative and innovative ideas.


In a nutshell, as the saying goes (,)“Never let children be flowers in the warm room.” Struggling in a rough path is a more meaningful and impressive way to grow up. Therefore, I can come to the conclusion that parents should by every means encourage their children to work independently without hesitation.



基本的内容、结构都很完美啦。几点小建议：

语法错误比较多，时态、主语谓语等都是写作基本功，一定要尽量做到百分百正确，不然这种低级错误很影响考官对你作文的整体印象的。

句子有些散，建议多用些逻辑连接词，加强句子间的逻辑。

语言有种汉翻英的感觉，建议再多积累一些短的、地道的表达结构。

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/6/29 21:01:53)

谢谢鸟儿姐！！～～一下指明一条明路吖哈哈～
继续努力！

Crystaljoy

别急，还有个综合的小建议捏~

627 综合

Both reading and listening passage discuss（这样会不会生动一点？At hand is） the issue about literature. The reading passage asserts that the decreased number of people who read literature has（a） termendous negative impact. However, the professor casts doubt on such assertion in the following three aspects.


Initially, the professor considers it too general to state (that 后面是句子，不能丢) the decline of book reading leads people to miss out important benefits（这句中式表达啊，晕晕的。too hasty to blame A for B ）, as the reading passage claims. She indicated（时态） that other forms of books, such as scientific fiction, politic books and history works, are of high quality as well. They can be as creative as literature and improve people's imagination. Moreover, she also points out that literature is not the same as good book.（重听了一遍，应该是she also points out that someone who dose not read literature is not a proof that he/she dose not read a good book. ）？简化后是someone is not a proof


Furthermore, the reading passage declares that less people are fond of reading literature and that literature is replaced by other poorly works or other kinds of entertainment, which（G语法中which不能指代前面整句话,是就近指代。可以把后面的改成，resulting） results in a lower culture standard. In contradiction, the lecturer refutes (this statement) by illustrating that the replacement of other type of material does not mean a decline of culture standard. Music and movie (, however, 总觉得前后句子之间有点散) are both form of available cultural expression and even more close to the contemporary than literature does.


Finally, although admits the decline of support to literature, to disprove the statement（ in reading）that readers have contributed to the decrease of literature in reading passage, the professor mentions that it is authors' fault instead, because they are likely to write literature that is difficult for readers to understand.   （感觉这个句型太绕，而美国人喜欢直接说重点。）





内容我不确定，我看完的感觉主要是句型不够地道，就看的云里雾里。要注意学习范文的表达。

去下载昨天上传的那个TPO1-17范文+模版提取吧，我当时就是反复背诵里面的句子，收获很大呢。

sang824

别急，还有个综合的小建议捏~

627 综合

Both reading and listening passage discuss（这样会不会生动一点？At hand is） the issue about literature. The reading passage asserts that the decreased number of people who read literature has（a） termendous negative impact. However, the professor casts doubt on such assertion in the following three aspects.


Initially, the professor considers it too general to state (that 后面是句子，不能丢) the decline of book reading leads people to miss out important benefits（这句中式表达啊，晕晕的。too hasty to blame A for B ）, as the reading passage claims. She indicated（时态） that other forms of books, such as scientific fiction, politic books and history works, are of high quality as well. They can be as creative as literature and improve people's imagination. Moreover, she also points out that literature is not the same as good book.（重听了一遍，应该是she also points out that someone who dose not read literature is not a proof that he/she dose not read a good book. ）？简化后是someone is not a proof


Furthermore, the reading passage declares that less people are fond of reading literature and that literature is replaced by other poorly works or other kinds of entertainment, which（G语法中which不能指代前面整句话,是就近指代。可以把后面的改成，resulting） results in a lower culture standard. In contradiction, the lecturer refutes (this statement) by illustrating that the replacement of other type of material does not mean a decline of culture standard. Music and movie (, however, 总觉得前后句子之间有点散) are both form of available cultural expression and even more close to the contemporary than literature does.


Finally, although admits the decline of support to literature, to disprove the statement（ in reading）that readers have contributed to the decrease of literature in reading passage, the professor mentions that it is authors' fault instead, because they are likely to write literature that is difficult for readers to understand.   （感觉这个句型太绕，而美国人喜欢直接说重点。）





内容我不确定，我看完的感觉主要是句型不够地道，就看的云里雾里。要注意学习范文的表达。

去下载昨天上传的那个TPO1-17范文+模版提取吧，我当时就是反复背诵里面的句子，收获很大呢。

-- by 会员 Crystaljoy (2012/6/29 21:48:11)

明白！谢谢鸟儿姐，这次尝试了一个新的，简洁的对比表达，结果转型失败写的又罗嗦又四不像的，55

sang824

It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a newcountry because of the lose of old friends.
Nowadays, thereemerges a tendency that more and more people are moving to a new city or a newcountry for the cleanness atmosphere, the new, attractive life-style, as wellas different people with various of culture background. Although concerns aboutthe lose of old friends are considered as an negative consequence ofimmigration, In my perspective, the advantage of moving to a new area can completelyoverwhelm those concerns.
To begin with, afresh living condition provides people with a totally different feeling and thecuriosity of unknown things. Every experience is unique, wandering around agrand square which is full of people you’ve never seen before, entering theateror shopping mall during weekend time, a kind of entertainment you never enjoyedin the old rural area before, or just talking to native people about thehistory and costumer of the city. My friend Christine has moved to America withher parents at a very young age, difficult as it was at the very beginning, shesoon adapted to the new costumers and environment in her community. She alwaysgoes skating and climbing with her friends during the weekends and enjoys theparties hold by different families. ” You can never image how wonderful my newlife here is in America.” she writes me.
Moreover, whatcomes with the immigration is the opportunity of advancement or benefit of thewhole family. It is human nature that people change their living environmentsin searching for a better quality of life. For example, many mid-class peopleare wiling to sacrifice their current, well-paid job and move to big city justin order to guarantee their children an advanced education and insurance system.Under such circumstances, those young adults are more likely to be instructedby experienced professor, obtaining more opportunities to put their knowledgeinto practice or finding a satisfied occupation. Therefore, it is never tooexaggerated to assert that moving to a new area is a wise choice.
Admittedly, othersmay complain about losing their old, intimate friends and the difficulty toadjust to the new environment. However, with the development of science andtechnology, a multitude of residents are able to communicate through computerand cellphone. In this way, they never have to worry about losing contact withfriends. Furthermore, people are inclined to make new friends in theircommunity, with whom they can hang out or have fun together. Therefore, I definitelybelieve that the warmth of local people will make those new-comers feel at homeeven they are miles apart.
In a nutshell,although it is a little disappointed at the mere mention of losing friends whenmoving to a new city or country, people are more like to find a more colorfuland fantastic new life there and keep in touch with old friends with theassistance of computer or cellphone at the same time. As the reasons above, Ican come to the statement that it is a wonderful thing to move to new areawithout hesitation.
 

tyyhappy

Nowadays, there emerges a tendency that more and more people are moving to a new city or a new country for the cleanness atmosphere, the new, attractive life-style, as well as different people with various of（various可以直接用，不用of） culture background. Although concerns about the lose(loss) of old friends are considered as an(a) negative consequence of immigration, In my perspective, the advantage of moving to a new area can completely overwhelm those concerns.
To begin with, a fresh living condition provides people with a totally different feeling and the curiosity of unknown things. Every experience is unique, wandering around a grand square which is full of people you’ve never seen before, entering（visiting吧,enter强调动作） theater or shopping mall during weekend time, a kind of entertainment you never enjoyed in the old rural area before, or just talking to native people about the history and costumer of the city. My friend Christine has moved to America with her parents at a very young age, difficult as it was at the very beginning, (+but,和第一个句子并列了，少个连词)she soon adapted to the new costumers（customs） and environment in her community. She always goes skating and climbing with her friends during the weekends and enjoys the parties hold(held :hold held held) by different families. ” You can never image how wonderful my new life here is in America.” she writes (to) me.
Moreover, what comes with the immigration is the opportunity of advancement or benefit of the whole family. It is human nature that people change their living environments in searching for a better quality of life. For example, many mid-class people are wiling (willing) to sacrifice their current, well-paid job and move to big city(cities) just in order to guarantee their children an advanced education and insurance system. Under such circumstances, those young adults are more likely to be instructed by experienced professor, obtaining more opportunities to put their knowledge into practice or finding a satisfied (satisfying令人满意的)occupation. Therefore, it is never too exaggerated to assert that moving to a new area is a wise choice.
Admittedly, others may complain about losing their old, intimate friends and the difficulty to adjust to the new environment. However, with the development of science and technology, a multitude of residents are able to communicate through computer and cellphone. In this way, they never have to worry about losing contact with friends. Furthermore, people are inclined to make new friends in their community, with whom they can hang out or have fun together. Therefore, I definitely believe that the warmth of local people will make those new-comers feel at home even they are miles apart.
In a nutshell, although it is a little disappointed at the mere mention of losing friends when moving to a new city or country, people are more like to find a more colorful and fantastic new life there and keep in touch with old friends with the assistance of computer or cellphone at the same time. As(For) the reasons above, I can come to the statement that it is a wonderful thing to move to new area without hesitation.



很好的习作呢。

第一遍感受：结构很整齐，语句很通畅。错误较少。带我回头好好读读。

第二遍感受：其实全文基本都是优秀的亮点，但是，亮点多了，我就只标了一个。句子长短合适，读起来舒服。词汇丰富。

但是用词方面的错误较多，个人认为是有些是chinglish，有些是对词语的把握不准确。建议：用词的时候可以查一下例句，看看这个词一般怎么用。再一个，对于一些说法，可以去google下，如果结果不是很相似，就说明这样的用法是不地道的。

sang824

7月4日

Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement? In the past people eat more healthy food than what people havenowadays

Such a great concern that people nowadays are eating less healthy food than they did in past. With the constantly developmentof technology, enormous change happened to the food we eat today at the same time. Faced with such a serious issue, from my perspective, I have to admit that the food quality in present is inferior to it before.

The first and major reason contributes to such change is that more and more people are pursuing huge profits at the sacrifice of their morality. In order to obtain quantities of return and keep their products fresh as long as possible, they add chemical additives into food to make them tasty and full of nutrition. Consequently, side effects far exceed the benefits as their expectation. For instance, the tragedy of baby milk has exerted deep impression on public. Thousands of babies suffered from the serious negative influence owing to the chemical additives put in the milk,even a few of them lost their young life without gaining an opportunity to experience this colorful world. Condemned were those cruel milk producers, it is also undeniable that the security of food has become more and more obscure.


Furthermore, the process of environment deteoriation(deterioration) also cast some negative impact on the food qualities. The conditions where organism grows today are notas appropriate as they used to. For example, the soil standard and aircondition has been largely affected by global warming, they are unable tofurnish plants with sufficient nutrition and moisture. Unfortunetly(unfortunately), such consequence has a chain effect. Toxin accumulated as food goesforward to a higher level in food cycle, and human beings, who occupy the top of the cycle, are subjected to damage to the fullest.


Despite the fact that thanks to process of globalization and expansion of technology, people grasp the change to enjoy all kinds of food, whether local one or that imported from foreign countries.Eating food of various locations and cooking methods is obviously an exciting experience. However, it is not news that an increasing number of people are reported to suffer from food poisoning and physical disorder. With multiple choices of food types, we can hardly find out 100 percent healthy food anymore. Under such circumstances, it is never exaggerated that food today is notof identical quality as before.


In a nutshell, taking the severe consequences of environment problem and unavoidable human behavior, it is of great difficulty to assure food standard. Thus, I feel greatly sorry to arrive at the conclusion that food in past was superior to present.

DanielleZ

7.4 独立~
Sang MM（没叫错吧，看头像是个mm呢~）
文章里面有很多不错的词组，句子。我学习了不少呢。
文章结构，我觉得有两段的结论得出感觉有点欠缺，我已经标明了。
还有such的句式，用的比较多，建议可以换其他的表达方式试试。
还有个问题是，有的句子太长了，写了从句就忘记了主句。所以有点错误呢~我也已经标在文章中啦~如果我有什么考虑不周全的地方，你告诉，我们再讨论一下哈~
加油啦~
Such a great concern that people nowadays are eating less healthyfood than they did in past(这句话结构不对，建议加上半句has been widely discussedby the increasing number of people之类的补全啦). With theconstantly development of technology, enormous change(changes) happened to thefood we eat today at the same time. Faced with such a serious issue(我觉得这个结论说的不充分呢，因为前面只是food说有变化，也没说是好是坏， 然后得出这个结论感觉挺突然的), from my perspective,I have to admit that the food quality in present is inferior to it before.

The first and major reason contributes to such(已经有3个such了哦~) change is that more and more people are pursuing hugeprofits at the sacrifice of their morality. In order to obtain quantities ofreturn and keep their products fresh as long as possible, they add chemicaladditives into food to make them tasty and full of nutrition(这个理由感觉跟fresh关联不是很紧密). Consequently,side effects far exceedthe benefits as their expectation. For instance, the tragedy of baby milk hasexerted deep impression on public. Thousands of babies suffered from the serious negative influenceowing to the chemical additives put in the milk, even a few of them lost theiryoung life without gaining an opportunity to experience this colorful world.Condemned were those cruel milk producers, it is also undeniable that thesecurity of food has become more and more obscure.

Furthermore, the process of environment deteoriation(deterioration) also cast somenegative impact on the foodqualities. The conditions where organism grows today are notas appropriate asthey used to. For example, the soil standard and air condition has been largelyaffected by global warming; they are unable to furnish plants with sufficient nutrition andmoisture. Unfortunetly(unfortunately), such(又是such这个句式哦~) consequence has achain effect. (我觉得这还少句话，没有交代清楚。跟第一段差不多，少了nutrition和moisture为什么就会有很多toxin呢？)Toxin accumulated as food goes forward to a higher level infood cycle, and human beings, who occupy the top of the cycle, are subjected todamage to the fullest.

Despite the fact that thanks to process ofglobalization and expansion of technology, people grasp the change to enjoy allkinds of food, whether local one or that imported from foreign countries.(despite只连接了前半句，后半句不见了。是不是写的好长一句话，就把despite这个词忘记了啊？) Eating food of various locations and cooking methods is obviouslyan exciting experience. However, it is not news(new)that an increasing number of people arereported to suffer from food poisoning and physical disorder. With multiplechoices of food types, we can hardly find out 100 percent healthy food anymore.Under such circumstances, it is never exaggerated that food today is not ofidentical quality as before.(这段的主题不明确啊，从段首第一句话看应该是食物丰富了，但为什么后面又在说食品不安全了呢？)

In a nutshell, taking the severe consequences ofenvironment problems and unavoidable human behaviors, it is of greatdifficulty to assure food standard. Thus, I feel greatly sorry to arrive at theconclusion that food in past was superior to present.

DanielleZ

对了，我的作文，明天交。。。现在先睡觉了。。。